Story Title: I Was A Person

Author: WhynterSnow

Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/194732

Title (4/5)

Great title! It doesn't reveal too much of your plot, and makes the readers question, "So are you a creature? a monster? a murderer?" We don't know anything about the main characters, and we can't judge anything based from the title. 

Appearance (5/5)

You have no poster or background, so I excluded these two from the score. Your appearance is fine. There's no distracting colors or any unnecessary look. Full points!

Description/Foreword (11/15)

Your description is great! The background information really puts the readers on the story's shoes. The only problem is that it's long, and some readers don't like to read long descriptions. A description should be a summary of your story, but doesn't reveal too much of it. The background information could've gone in your foreword as an author's note, which is the perfect place to put informations like this. 

As for your foreword, I have nothing to complain about. The teaser isn't too long to spoil anything, nor is it too short to make the readers go, "What the heck?" 

Plot (18/25)

To be honest, I was a bit hesitant to read this. I'm not a yuri reader, but I understood that some of the girls (like Miyoung) were guys. However, I was a bit unsure of some parts of the story. For an example, is Miyoung naturally a girl who is disguising herself as a guy or is she really a guy? I had to go over this story twice, and it's either that I missed a very important part of the story or that I'm just confused.

On the other hand, I love your plot! I like how this historical fiction story isn't focused on war, which is what most historical fiction stories have. It's rare to see historical stories on AFF, so this was a pleasant story to read. The twist of the genders is also a great hook, too. You wouldn't expect a real life character to become the opposite gender, so I was taken aback. 

Characters (8/15)

Like I previously stated, I was confused on the genders of the people. It is clear to me that Jessica is a girl, but I'm not so sure about the others. Are they in disguise, or are they really boys? Therefore, I can't really say much in this section. 

But I do like the gender twist. It really caught be off guard and I didn't expect to see this, even though I saw the "gender bender" tag.

Writing (Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation) (15/20)

You had a few grammatical errors and punctuation errors, but I feel like they can easily be fixed if you looked over your writing. However, sometimes I was confused on who was speaking which quote, and I had to go back and look over and see who was speaking what. If you fix that, the story would be much easier to read. One other thing. When the character is interrupted, you use two dashes (--) instead of three (---).

Chapter 1

Incorrect:

"Fool, Miss Jung, of course, she's the only real woman around here," Sunmer beat me lightly on the head.

I simply stated, "there is no proof."

Correct:

"Fool. Miss Jung, of course. She's the only real woman around here." Sunmer beat me lightly on the head.

I simply stated, "There is no proof."

Chapter 7

Incorrect:

"Eh, I cannot help it, friend, my energy is in leaps and bounds, just like my growth."

"Sleep, that is what what you shall do now.," I demanded.

He raised his arms up mockingly, "ay, I say yes to a woman's dignity."

Correct:

"Eh. I cannot help it, friend. My energy is in leaps and bounds, just like my growth."

"Sleep. That is what you shall do now," I demanded.

He raised his arms up mockingly. "Ay, I say yes to a woman's dignity."

Flow (5/5)

The flow is fine as how it is. It's not too fast, nor is it too slow. Good job!

Overall Enjoyment (7/10)

Although the plot is original and so, for some reason I wasn't interested in it. It might be because of my lack of interest in history (I have a B+ in that class!) or maybe it was because I was confused of the characters. Nevertheless, I will applaud you for your amazing plot and the change in the character's original gender.

Total Marks: 73/100

Review Done By: 500sunny500

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