On Monday, school couldn’t end fast enough for me. All I could think about was meeting Jonghyun at the bus stop and talking to him again. I felt like I was becoming attached to Jonghyun, but I don’t think that it’s a bad thing. I mean, he’s my friend and I’m his friend; friends hang out with each other so it’s fine. I do feel bad for Taemin, however. I’ve avoided him all day today, but I just can’t seem to be around him. The fact that he can hear just makes me feel upset even if I try to be happy for my friend and it’s not that I’m upset at him; no I’m upset at myself because I know that I probably won’t ever be able to have what he has.

            As soon as my last class was over, I headed straight for my locker to put my things away before leaving the school. Taemin caught me outside of the school gates. He had a huge smile on his face as he waved me over and I knew there was really no way to avoid him now without seeming completely rude. So I walked over to Taemin and gave him a small smile back.

            “Hyung, where were you during lunch today?”

            “I had to work on a project so I skipped and worked in the library.” I answered him. I couldn’t just tell him that I was actually avoiding him.

            “Oh, well you should have told me hyung, I would have come with you. I had to sit all by myself today…it was lonely.” As soon as he signed those last few words I felt horrible. I knew that Taemin also didn’t have many friends and by me avoiding him it probably made it more apparent to him. The thing with Taemin is that he’s just naturally shy and likes to keep to himself, so it’s hard for him to go out and make friends. While with me, I could make friends if I wanted to but I also rather just keep to myself.

            “I’m sorry Taemin, next time I’ll tell you ok?”

            He nodded his head excitedly before hooking his arm with mine. We started walking to the bus stop where I always meet Jonghyun at like that in silence, because there was no other way to do it; at least until Taemin unhooked our arms to ask me where I was heading.

            “To the bus stop.”

            “Soohyun hyung lets you take the bus now?” he asked with a surprised look on his face. I shook my head before signing:

            “No, I’m meeting a friend here and plus don’t your parents let you take the bus all the time?”

            “Well yea, but I grew up here and know my way around, while you don’t. But anyway can I come to your house? Oh and I want to meet your friend too! Is it a girl? Do you have a girlfriend hyung?!”

            Taemin kept signing so quickly and excitedly that I had to put my hands up to stop him, before telling him to calm down.

            “It’s not a girl and he doesn’t go to our school so you won’t know him. Plus I don’t know if you can come over since I didn’t ask my cousin ahead of time.”

            “Oh come on hyung, your cousin loves me. He won’t care if I come over.” Taemin said and I couldn’t tell him that I simply didn’t want him coming to meet Jonghyun with me. That I wanted to keep Jonghyun to myself…but wait when did I start becoming possessive over him? We’re just friends and I guess it won’t matter if I introduce a friend of mine to him.

            “Fine, just let your parents know that you’re coming over.”

            “Kay I’ll text them right now!” Taemin said with the largest smile on his face before pulling out his phone and text his parents.

            Soon we were approaching the bus stop and I already saw Jonghyun sitting there with his phone out, probably texting someone. He didn’t notice me coming near him so I decided that I would sneak up on him. I quickly rushed to his side before covering his eyes with my hands. Jonghyun’s hands shot up to mine and I let him slowly take them off of his face before completely revealing myself to him. We both smiled at each other once he realized it was me and then I remembered that Taemin was with us and I had to introduce him.

            “Jonghyun this is Tae…” I started signing before remembering yet again that Jonghyun couldn’t understand me. So I sat down on the bench, pulled out a notebook from my backpack, and started writing down what I wanted to say. When I was finished I turned to Jonghyun getting ready to hand him the notebook until I saw that he and Taemin were already introducing themselves.

            I mean it made sense. Taemin could hear now so obviously he would just speak to Jonghyun and not have to use a notebook to convey his messages. So I just sat there and looked on at them having a conversation, trying to gauge where they had a break so that I could try and talk to Jonghyun. I didn’t want to be rude and interrupt so I just waited…and waited…and waited, until my cousin pulled up ready to take me home.

            I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t able to say, or write, one word to Jonghyun this whole time. He was so absorbed in Taemin and whatever they were talking about that he seemed to forget that I was even there and it made my heart ache. I mean I know Taemin is attractive and the fact that he can hear probably makes him more appealing to talk to, but I also thought Taemin was shy. Where did this newfound outgoing personality come from? I shook the thoughts away as I placed my book back in my bag and went over to Taemin to let him know that my cousin was here, since he wanted to come to my house.

            When I told him though his response was something that surprised me. He said: “Oh hyung, Jonghyun hyung is going to take me to watch him and his band practice. You should come to!” Taemin signed happily but I wasn’t happy with the situation at all. I mean I’ve known Jonghyun longer and he’s never invited me to see his band practice, but I guess it makes sense because why would he invite a deaf person to a band rehearsal. It’s not like I would be able to hear anything.

            “You go ahead I have a quiz tomorrow that I have to study for and a lot of homework. So I’ll just see you tomorrow,” I said before getting into Soohyun’s car and leaving those two behind. When we got home Soohyun asked me why Taemin didn’t come over.

            “Jonghyun invited him to see his band rehearse so Taemin went.”

            “Oh, did you not want to go?” he asked me and I just stared at him like he was stupid.

            “Well first off I wasn’t invited to and secondly why would I go? I mean what’s a deaf kid doing going to watch a band rehearsal? It’s not like I’ll be able to hear anything?” I signed somewhat pissed that Soohyun would even ask something like that.

            “But Taemin’s deaf and he went, so why can’t you go?”      

            “Taemin was never fully deaf though hyung and plus he can hear now so that’s why Jonghyun would obviously rather hang out with him instead of with me,” I signed before walking away from Soohyun and into my room since I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, but Soohyun being himself followed me determined to finish the conversation.

            “What do you mean Taemin can hear? Since when?”

            “I don’t know; a couple of weeks ago. His parents got him the implants, but anyway I don’t want to talk about this anymore hyung so can you please leave? I have a lot of homework to do anyway.”

            Soohyun nodded his head before turning around to exit my room but he didn’t leave without letting me see the somewhat pained expression on his face. I knew he could tell that I was pushing him away but I just wanted to be by myself at the moment.

            I knew that I was acting childish in a way and that I really had no right to be jealous, for lack of a better word. I knew that Jonghyun probably had plenty of friends that weren’t me and he had every right to hang out with them and make new friends too. I knew all of that but that doesn’t mean that I liked the fact that Taemin basically took him away from me today. That Taemin was just so interesting that Jonghyun forgot that I was even there. No, I didn’t like any of that and what I didn’t like the most on top of all of that was that it seemed like I was being pushed to the side.

            I couldn’t keep thinking about it though, no; if I did I would probably drive myself insane. So I decided to take out my books and work on some homework until dinner was ready. That plan ended up working for the most part too. I was able to keep my mind off of Jonghyun and Taemin by doing work and now it was about 11pm and I was in bed playing a game on my phone since I wasn’t quite ready to fall asleep. That was until I received a text message from Jonghyun.

            I felt my eyes go wide as I sat up surprised that he texted me. I quickly opened his message only to have the smile, that unconsciously placed itself on my face, diminish as I read his message.

From Jonghyun

            Hey Kibum, that friend of yours Taemin is mad cool. I was surprised that he knew so much about music when I brought him with me. I even invited him to start hanging out at the bus stop with us from now on. I’m glad you introduced us because that kid sure is funny.

            I read the whole message, twice. Did he seriously just text me to brag about how much fun he and Taemin had? And he even invited Taemin to come sit with us now? Well…maybe it won’t be so bad. I mean it could be fun having Taemin join in on our conversations, right?

            At least that’s what I thought. I didn’t text him back that one time because I figured it didn’t really need a response but soon I noticed myself ignoring most of his texts since they seemed to mainly have to pertain to Taemin. The next few days were basically horrible for me.

            On Tuesday, I was completely ignored again as Taemin and Jonghyun talked about whatever it was they were talking about. Then that night when I thought Jonghyun was texting to apologize for ignoring me he instead was asking for Taemin’s number since he forgot to ask him in person. I refused to respond to that text because I figured if he wanted Taemin’s number so bad he could ask him himself.

            On Wednesday, I tried to my best to join their conversation, but after writing my message down all Jonghyun did was take the notebook from me, read what I wrote and just as he was about to respond Taemin obviously said something that distracted him and made him completely forget that I was there, again.

            Thursday, not only was I ignored for the fourth time this week but Jonghyun texted me to tell me that Taemin was going to their gig on Friday. At least in that text he asked me why I hadn’t been responding to his messages, but I decided if he couldn’t at least figure that out that I wouldn’t tell him.

            Finally Friday came, but on Friday instead of even going to the bus stop to be ignored again I texted Soohyun and told him that I would be waiting outside of the front gate for him to pick me up and it was no surprise that I didn’t receive a text from Jonghyun wondering where I was since he completely ignored my existence the whole week. It seemed like the only time he remembered me was at night when he wanted to text me to tell me about Taemin. Tonight wasn’t any different either. It was around 12:15am when I received his text. 

From Jonghyun

            Kibum, oh my God our show was so amazing tonight and Taemin, man he told me he could dance but I didn’t know that he could DANCE. He got on stage during one of our songs and started doing some real cool moves and the crowd went wild. We’re even considering making him our backup dancer or something. Anyway, text me back. I feel like I haven’t heard from you in forever.

            I felt my heart clench as I read that message over. Not only did I feel ignored but I felt forgotten, I was merely an afterthought in his message. He didn’t text to see how I was, no he texted to brag about how awesome Taemin was. The only thing that hurt worse than realizing I was being forgotten was me realizing the fact that I had gotten my hopes up to think that I could actually have a normal friend.

            I should’ve known that Jonghyun was going to grow tired of hanging around me when he could hang out with people that could actually hear him, people that he didn’t have to sit and write notes to back and forth just to communicate, people that he could actually call on the phone if he wanted and not just text. It was my own stupidity for thinking that he would actually enjoy hang around me, some handicapped kid. Jonghyun being introduced to Taemin just proved that to me sooner than I probably would have liked but I’m still grateful, at least I won’t delude myself any further. I thought all of this as I went to Jonghyun’s name in my phone and clicked the delete button.

            My phone asked me if I was sure and I hesitated for a moment before deciding that it was for the best to just end our friendship now. As I deleted every trace of him from my phone though I couldn’t understand why tears were slowly falling from my eyes. It’s not like we were best friends or anything, but still Jonghyun felt like someone that I wanted to be with me at all times.

            I guess this is truly what it feels like to be forgotten and abandoned. I thought to myself as I placed my phone back on my nightstand, fresh tears still falling from my eyes as I tried to forget Jonghyun and fall asleep.