Story: Fragility by Chenyeol
Reviewed by: E
Finished: 1/12/13
 

Title:
The title is simple and short. Some people might not find it powerful enough to read. But more for people who are simpleminded would take a look. It’s effective because it goes along with the boys in the story, (Sehun and Jongin).

Character:
Sehun: He’s an introvert, one who doesn’t express his emotions well, and belongs to quite an unloving family by the looks of it. He’s not on the side of mysterious, just very quiet. And I like that he doesn’t suddenly stand up to his father, but is more subtly rebellious by caring for Jongin after he got beat.

Jongin: I feel as though  he is the real character of Fragility. By that, I mean, the one who was supposed to be the more upbeat and happy “good” character becomes the most sensitive one. You show his true emotions, his fear sticking out like a sore thumb for the readers, but not for the people around him.

Tiffany: The epitome of the spoiled little . She’s conniving, she’s a horrible person, and she has managed to deceive her parents and everyone around her of her true colors, excluding the three kids living under the roof.

Seohyun: a lackey of Tiffany, her true colors so far are not shown, and it’s a mystery whether or not she is as bad as Tiffany.

Overall: You have set the characters perfectly. You have defined their situation and position, and created the conflict through a character. The pain, the satisfaction, the tense atmosphere. You portrayed it through these characters. Good job.

Plot:
So far, a pretty good plot. Hopefully, Tiffany will continue to create more trouble for Kai and Sehun, the growing relationship between Kai and Sehun is slow, which is better than it being completely rushed.

Grammar:
As far as I’ve seen, nothing bad, a few misspelled words, but not distracting enough to ruin the reading that would make me want to divert my eyes.

Style:
Very simple, separated and not blocked into heavy paragraphs. (Although, that maybe just the illusion since AFF tends to have stories spread out, depending on the screen.)  Anyway, it’s very easy to read and flows very smoothly.

Great job on the writing of your story! I enjoyed reading and getting really irritated with Tiffany being her role.  Now, I’m not sure how you want to portray your story to the readers since it has only been a few chapters, so this critique may be a bit ineffective in what you need help on. So, I say that keep doing what you’re doing so far. Maybe have a beta reader, just in case. Also, on a side note, I’m sorry for not submitting this as quickly as I usually do. I’ve been having horrific brain farts for everything else except a story I’ve been trying to write myself. That shouldn’t be an excuse why I’m late, but it is an explanation. Good luck and I really hope for a feature in your story!