Story: The Charged by deductionmaniac
Reviewed by: Curione
Finished: 2/11/13

Title

What can I say? The title is The Charged, which usually means someone charged of a crime. Aron is the person being charged of a crime, and the title is a bit ironic because it didn't say the 'guilty' as 'charged' just 'charged' which already gives us a clue that the person who isn't being 'charged' might not be guilty.

Good title I would say. I wouldn't say eye-catching but it's good.

Characters

Characters well suit their role. I like that you had a lot of different and colourful characters inside your story. However, that is also the problem I have with your characters.

There are too many of them.

I just felt that there was no need to include Jaejoong and Minki inside the story. It's a short plot - why the need for so many characters? Heechul as the detective would have been enough and I just felt that with only him and Aron, the interaction would have been much more intense and interesting than with so many people popping in. If you see many detective series on TV, whenever it comes to questioning the suspect, it's usually only the head detective which talks unless they're doing a good cop, bad cop thing. Why? Because it's so much more intense. As it is, with so much interruptions, I just felt the second part was a bit meandering and fell a little flat.

I do admit it makes the story a little comedic with so many interesting people popping in - but again. Short plot. Why the need? Honestly this feels like the set-up chapter for a long story in which the same set of detectives solve case after case after case (- suggestion there). But it's not - it's a one shot. Instead of having so many detectives, I would spend maybe more time developing 1) the writing, or 2) the main character, or 3) combining all those eccentric characters into just Heechul instead. I mean, Heechul could be the sarcastic when he starts, then serious when he comes to questioning Aron, and then swing back to sarcastic again making Aron question whether this detective is bi-polar or something. I mean, I can easily see Heechul introducing himself and spouting Minki's line about not being gay. And if you need people to come in and give him information, they can just remain nameless characters.

So yes, that's my take. But like I first said, the characters, although I feel are far too many for this short story, are written well in their own rights.

Plot

I like the plot twist. I like the hint that you gave us when Lime commented about how she hated Nana because her real love was Minhyun.

And then, I love, love, love, the way that you had that open ending because the force of the mistake that the police department has just made is just so well encapsulated with that one word Heechul utters: .

However, I do have to point out a few things that I found hard to swallow even with my high threshold for strange things.

First, Minki's line:  “Why would someone kill a beautiful soul like her? I don’t understand.” Minki sighed. 

Really, Minki? Someone who seems to perfect too be good couldn't have any enemies huh. Even if you're young, I'm sure you've seen enough to realize that people are often quite touched in the head. And it's not even comic relief. Like, Heechul, who's only, sarcastic and probably sharp enough could have butted in sarcastically about it. Like, "Uhuh, yeah... why would anyone not be jealous of someone too perfect to be true?" Sort of thing.

Secondly, I just don't think that the police would have let Lime gone away if they'd arrived before she left. She's connected to the suspect, they would have detained her as well - doesn't make sense to let her go. She should have left before the police had come.

You can modify this with just one simple change. Instead of 'The police were already behind Aron putting the handcuffs on him and all he could say was  “!”' you could change it to 'Aron was in a daze. He wanted to chase after her but he couldn't move. And by the time he thought to do so, the police were already behind Aron, putting the handcuffs on him and all he could say was  “!”' Although, if you don't want to it's fine. It's not that big a problem since I think most people won't feel too picky on this.

Third part is just something I feel a little uncomfortable with. It's just a line that Minki says. This part:

“If you don’t mind my asking, what are you?” Aron asked which made the detective burst out in soft chuckle.

“I assume you’re thinking I’m gay but no, I’m actually this pretty.” Minki answered for himself and winked at the guy who responded with a disgusted face.

When Aron asks 'what are you', he more seems to be asking if Minki is a girl - but that can't be since Heechul said 'he' is a detective. But Minki responds with you're thinking I'm gay, but no he's pretty.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being a little oversensitive but it seems a little rude because it's insinuating that when people see pretty guys they immediately think the guy is gay, but I don't think that's true right? Also, it seems to insinuate that being gay is a bad thing. Anyway, even then, the conversation still flows very strangely and just doesn't make sense to me.

I would prefer it is Minki responded with something like “I assume you’re thinking I’m a hermophrodite, but no, I’m actually just this pretty.” Minki answered for himself and winked at the guy who responded with a disgusted face. Hermophrodite means someone who has both es.

Or better yet, Aron can just go something like:

"He?" Aron asked, which made the detective burst out into a soft chuckle.

"Yes. He. Why? Interested in what you see? Too bad, I'm not gay - just pretty." Minki answered for himself and winked at the guy who responded with a disgusted face.

This way, the 'gay' part makes a lot more sense. Since Minki is trying to tease Aron by suggesting that he might be interested in Minki because he looks like a girl.

Other than those few things which bugged me, the plot works fine. And I did like the fact that you hinted at the twist so that in the second part I was motivated to read because I wanted to see if the dumb police would eventually figure out what I did in a split second.

Grammar

A few minor grammar mistakes. Nothing that impedes the reading of the story, but I just thought I would point them out.

"...Hasta mañana, Aron."

"... ¡Hasta la vista!, Aron."

Because I google searched this and Hasta mañana means 'see you tomorrow', which doesn't make sense since she's not intending to see him again. Unless, of course. There's actually a future instalment to this where she does come back and only the astute reader would spot this and go hmmm...

“Don’t you dare accuse me like that or I’ll ing kill you!” Aron stood up and yelled but eventually calmed down and sitted back down.

 - “Don’t you dare accuse me like that or I’ll ing kill you!” Aron stood up and yelled but eventually calmed []and sat back down.

Past tense of 'sit' is 'sat'. No such thing as 'sitted'. Taking out the 'down' is optional, but I feel that since the sentence can do without the 'down', I would rather remove it. Having it there makes the sentence chunky.

And just then, all of their attention were stolen by Heechul’s ringing phone.

- And just then, all of their attention was stolen by Heechul’s ringing phone.

'Their attention' is singular because you're referring to 'attention' which can't be quantified, so the following verb is 'is' and changed to past tense is 'was'.

Few other even more minor mistakes here and there I think but I didn't note them down. But other than that, the writing was fine. However I do have a few comments about the way everything was written, which I will cover in the next section instead.

Style

I have no big issues with it, but I just feel that with a simple plot like this, you could have taken the chance to explore a little and push your writing skill a little bit.

One way to do this would to be a little more descriptive. For example, your first paragraph:

Aron slammed the door behind him and sat down on the couch beside his girlfriend who has been waiting for him the whole day. He wondered why the girl was quiet and seemed as if she lacked sleep.

I personally would try to describe the situation a bit more. Maybe:

When Aron came home, he slammed the door behind him like he always did. He threw his keys into the container he had beside the door, and taking off his shoes, he didn't bother to arrange them neatly either. Spotting his girlfriend, he sat down on the familiar, worn-out couch beside her. It was all as it usually was.

At least, that was what Aron thought at first. But after a few moments, he realized that his girlfriend was being unusually quiet - that was odd. She had been waiting for him the whole day and would normally be nagging at him for not paying attention to her. Did she lack sleep or something?

You see what I did was set up the situation later so that there would be more impact. I first stated that everything seemed to be like normal when later as we find out it is not. And then in the second paragraph I start to suggest so, sort of like, teasing the reader - letting a little doubt creep into the reader's mind.

So yes, while there wasn't anything wrong with the writing style, I just personally thought that you could do more.

That said, I do like the way the ending passage was written:

Heechul froze with the realisation of something. He leaned his palms on the desk which made Aron and Minki look at him in doubt.

“Listen  Aron, if you’re not the killer we’re trying to find here, how did you know about the murder weapon?”

Minki and Jaejoong looked at each other. “Right. We haven’t revealed that to the public yet.” Jaejoong nodded.

Aron stared at Heechul for a few moments before he answered. “My girlfriend.”

Heechul’s eyes tightened as he stared into Aron’s. “.”

Like I said earlier - tight, smart delivery of the story's twist. Very nice. Very well done.

One last point I have to make. Usually, I state that all that I mention are just personal opinions which you don't need to follow. But the following thing I beg you to follow my advice:

CHANGE YOUR DESCRIPTION AND FOREWORD.

Your description makes absolutely no sense. The quote while interesting, has no relation to the story. There's nothing about this about being at sea, not even anything insinuating getting eternal life or power or anything like that. Find something else. A suggestion I have would be putting down the dictionary explanation for the word 'charged'.

Your foreword actually had me worried there before I heaved a huge sigh of relief when I realized that, thank the seven saints, the fic wasn't in script form. When looking for fics, I personally don't depend on just the description and foreword to make a judgement, but click on the first chapter and read that first instead. However, a lot of people don't which might result in people skipping your story out of fear because of the script form in your foreword.

I don't even understand why you did it. You could have just copy pasted a quote from your story. That's entirely fine. Like:

Lime looked at him sadly. “The police are coming to get you hon. They said you killed someone!” she yelled looking away.

“What?” was the only word that came out of Aron’s mouth.

“They said you killed someone! You and Baekho and etcetera of your bull buddies!” Lime yelled again, this time standing up looking down on Aron.

And that is the exact same thing you have in your foreword actually. Just post this there and you're set.

Overall, I rather enjoyed this story. Sure, the plot could have been tighter, the writing stronger, but it was a good quick read and I did quite enjoy it. Refreshing also, with the departure from the usual romance-related things you usually find on AFF. I recommend anyone who sees this review to give it a whirl. It won't take long and way the ending is written just makes it really satisfying when you get to the end.