Story: Insanely Insane by kim_kyuhyunELF13 
Reviewed by: E
Finished: 3/3/2013
R/N: I am sorry this took so long to do a review. And the sad thing is that I didn't even read all the way. I have only read up to chapter two and half, but it is because it needs a lot of reshaping and... You'll see in your review soon enough.

Title:
Before: Upon reading the title of this story, it appears to, of course be a story on Insanity and being crazy. There are two generic themes and plotlines that can go along with this title. One being young and crazy and all the mishaps of being young, a light theme that has to do with a slice of life. Or the true psychosis of being insane, which is a much darker theme. However, from what I could tell from the beginning and light view that you bring from the moment the reader looks at the “cover,” also known as your foreword, the story is going to be on a much lighter note. But not in the way one would think, it absolutely does not look like a slice of life type of story and actually appears to be so much more adolescent and immature. Themes and plotlines can go in different ways, but looking your cover, it would make some readers cringe and look away from the story. Now, usually, I don’t judge a book by it’s cover, but note that the title is also immature with the play on repetition of words that have immediately turned me off as a reader.

There doesn’t seem to be any true meaning to the title besides it just being a title.

After: The only thing that is insane about this story is the whole situation, so yes, it matches. And it’s predictable how insane it will be. Minki is insane for making Jieun his “slave” and Jieun is insane for allowing it to happen.

Character(s):
Jieun: Okay, she is the main character. Smart, lives with her older sister, has never had a friend, and is poor. For a smart character, she sounds stupid. First comes with her waking up at four in the morning. It would be a bit more understandable for her to wake up so early if: she is known to be unable to sleep well in the first place, doesn’t know how to fix herself up well, has homework to finish before school starts, or has a busy morning ahead of her and needs to get ready early to start her day early. None of these options have appeared, and she knows how to fix herself well enough to not have to get up so early. There is so much wrong with this; a shower typically last thirty minutes. Blow drying is maybe ten to twenty minutes. Make up, since she goes to a prestigious school, heavy makeup is most likely not allowed (unless she’s rich where she could get away with it if she wanted to, but as it is stated in the first chapter, she is not) so her putting on makeup should take just a good ten minutes since it’s only a light application. The most time she would spend putting on makeup is a good hour and thirty minutes (since I forgot to include changing clothes). A “smart person” would have been able to calculate how long it will take to actually get ready.

There is so much wrong with how you made Jieun. This is an alternate universe, and of course, changing who she is in personality is completely fine. It’s not fine when you make her a character that had so many qualities of a Mary-sue. That’s right, a Mary-Sue. The qualities you make with your character must coincide with each other. If she’s smart, observe the qualities of an average “smart” person. Sure, a person like Jieun exists, smart in books, but dumb in social interactions, norms, and mannerisms. But the way she was betrayed is all wrong. And majority of it also has to do with your style in writing.

Jieun is supposed be a smart girl, and a smart girl doesn’t do for anyone. Especially when the boy has nothing on her.

Another note; please explain why when Minki calls her a and she gets angry for a second when she suddenly asks if he’s gay. I don’t understand.

Minki: Too much . When depicting the villain of a story, there is a reason behind what he does. It doesn’t make sense to me why he’s making Jieun do this. Except that he will grant her one wish. Now, I also have an issue with the whole slave thing. By slave, means hard labor, doing whatever the master tells them to do, and even applies to forced . The two make slavery a joke. Through your characters, you make the time in our history, where this has caused humanity one of the worst sufferings, a joke. Slavery is not a joke. Please remember that.
 

Plot: In this story, it absolutely makes no sense. So, the plot is basically Jieun becomes the slave of Ren. Very original. Note the extreme sarcasm there. This sort of plot has been used so many times that it’s ridiculous. Especially including that it happened with a bet. That’s great. If you are to use an overused plot, the best way to use it is by making it special. Get creative instead of using scenes from dramas, books, or other stories you were influenced by. And waking up early in the morning to start her first day of school is definitely something completely unoriginal.

Grammar: Great amount of misspelled words, run ons, emoticons. Sorry, I’m not a grammar Nazi so this is not my strongest department.

Style: Emoticons. I cannot stress enough how much emoticons are the worst thing to write in a story. There is so much lack of context in every scene. How did Jieun get into the school? Where’s her sister? What does the scene look like? I did not want to get too into the context due to it being in first person, where the context all has to do with the main character herself and whether or not she chooses to provide it. In this case, it seems as though her not providing was the reason, but more the writer’s fault in the lack of context.

You also have the tendencies to add acronyms to your story’s body like “LOL.” You must absolutely avoid doing so unless she is sending a text to someone that includes those acronyms.
 

Overall: In my opinion, you had no idea what you were doing. Scenes that don’t make sense. Attitudes that would make Jieun look like some kind of psycho, especially in Korean culture. Please research, plan, and adjust your character and plot into something more acceptable. To check if your character is a Mary-sue, please look up a litmus test for determination. It may not be completely accurate, but it will tell you enough for you to make adjustments. I highly recommend seeing us again for a one on one session, or someone you absolutely trust for feedback, or anything that you believe will help you. Your characters need great adjustments and your style needs to be re-edited.

Your issues is within the Mary-Sue Characters, the unoriginality of the story, and the style that includes emoticons, acronyms, and lack of context.