chapter eleven; 
                                 wound

It’s winter. Whenever it’s snowing, I remember her; small, pale and fragile. She was fragile and I was wrong to handle her roughly, to raise her roughly. How is she? Is she doing well? Six years had passed and I still can’t get over her. Life in the mercantile district has been the same as always. It bores me that I can’t do anything to distract me from all of this anymore. I seldom see blood anymore. I had stopped killing the moment she left me.

Her words had been embedded in my mind. She wished for me to live a peaceful life; to start again. I wondered how I can live again when I’ve been dead before. I am a walking corpse; running through my daily life and staying there, stagnant in time and my own world. I didn’t want to go into the palace to see her. I know she’s still disgusted in me. After all I’ve done, after all I’ve inflicted in her.

I’ve been trying to collect the rent of the stalls I now own now that she’s gone by my side. I miss her. I mind no dust, no noise when she was with me. She was a breathtaking sight to behold; a light amidst all of my darkness.

“Are you the youngest landlord in this district?”

A boy said taking me away from all my thoughts. He gently tugged on my clothes but I didn’t mind. My temper was its finest when it’s snowing. The boy was around four to five years old and was wearing clothes of good quality. Oddly enough, he looks familiar. I can’t point out why.

“Yes. Why are you asking?”

I smiled. His eyes were sparking innocently. He could be a son of a noble. Surely, his parents were looking for him, especially on this cold winter day.

“Do you want to bargain the price for your stall, young merchant?”

“No”

He poked his tongue in his cheek.

“I just wanted to find you.”

“Why?”

What is this child?

“I’m hungry...”

He tugged at my clothes again and I chuckled. This child has such pride, finding a landlord to buy him something to eat.

“Why are you telling me that little boy?”

I touched his face; pale and supple, glowing gently like the snow. It has been a while since I saw anything of this innocence. Why is this child so carefree? Have I missed my childhood?

“You’re the only one I know here.”

His eyes were beginning to form tears. Evidently, he wasn’t used to all of this; a child of a noble family. He was rubbing his eyes.

-

“Why are you looking for me?”

I asked him as he slowly ate the food served to him by the old lady. His table manners were flawless, definitely a son of a noble family.

“I needed to see you.”

He had put a piece of meat in his mouth, savouring it. Why does this boy keep on giving me vague answers? Eating comfortably in a stranger’s house, who is he? Does he really know me?

“Why?”

I asked again, hoping to know more. I had a sip of the liquor before me, warming my body.

“I want to know if the two of you really look alike. It turns out that the similarities are not that much.”

He continued eating.

“Who are you talking about?”

I asked another question. How many questions should there be until I understand this child? His mouth was filled with codes, codes I cannot decipher.

“My mother, isn’t she your sister?”

I was dumbfounded. Could this child be hers?

“Who was she?”

I asked again to confirm. My heart was beating. What is this? Is this fear?

“You are Roh Jihoon, aren’t you? If you are, then you’re my uncle, my mother’s twin brother.”

 He knows my name. I laughed out loud like a mad man. No wonder he looks familiar. He is my nephew, the son of my first love.

“Why are you laughing?”

It was his turn to ask questions. I filled my cup with the fiery liquid before taking another sip as another trace of warmth passed my body.

“You are just like her, well mannered but lack formality.”

This is just too good to be true. Destiny, you’re very cruel. You should only give a man what he can take. My heart still wasn’t healed of its wounds yet you shove the product of my sister’s love at my face! Are you insulting me?

“Tell me little one. Your mother, how is she?”

“Jihoon, do you remember me.”

A voice as smooth as velvet came to my ears. It was her, my sister. I was frozen.

“Mother!”

The child hugged his mother’s waist; burying himself in the fabrics of her skirt. She changed a lot. She didn’t seem so sad anymore. Her light was brighter than ever. My heart skipped a beat.

“Yun! I knew that you’d come here.”

She leaned down to look at the boy at relief.

“You know that you shouldn’t go to outside the palace right?”

“Yes.”

The boy guiltily pouted.

“Aren’t you contented with your cousin?”

“He always climbs trees, ommoni. I can’t climb trees. Besides, I want to know about him.”

Yun looked at me with almost watery eyes, guilt was washing over him.

“Okay. I know. But please, don’t do that again.”

She caressed the boy’s cheek and kissed it before forming a smile with her lips.

“Yun, can you go out and play with the ajjuma over there. I think she wants to give you sweets. You should taste her dried persimmons.”

“Yes, mother.”

He smiled; his eyes sparkling. He was indeed like his mother.

She closed the doors, leaving the two of us in the room. I don’t have a good feeling about this. The last time this happened, I took advantage of her. I hurt her and the look of disgust had been painted over her face. The wound she gave me at that time wasn’t as bad as the one I’ve inflicted on her after. My greed to possess her had damaged her. She was my porcelain doll of a sister; beautiful and fragile. I made her shatter. I had harboured the darkness that lied within her shell. I broke her from the inside. I had ruined my only precious possession.

“Brother, why are you crying?”

She asked me as she wiped a wet spot in my face using her warm hands. Her hands, were they this warm before?

“Aren’t you disgusted in me?”

I harshly shoved her hands. It pained me. I wanted her touch so much.

“I can’t do that. I would never do that.”

She smiled at me. I felt like I would melt.

“I feared you though.”

“Do you know that I still love you?”

I took a hold of her shoulders as I look her in the eye.

“I know.”

Her expression never changed. There was no fear. It was as if that she didn’t remember anything.

“I love you too but not to the degree that you had wanted before. Did you make friends? Did you expand your world while I was gone? It must be hard for you, wasn’t it? I wanted to see you smile genuinely again.”

“Genuine? What is genuine when everything around me is just a delusion?”

I shook her gently trying to shove all those daydreams in her head.

“Jieun, you’re the only one I ever really had.”

“In this life, there is no reality but only our perception. This delusion... it’s all in your mind. Try to close your eyes and open them. How can you see the beauty of this world if your eyes remain closed forever; remaining in your own world?”

She was right. I feared the world the moment I opened my eyes. It was not a pretty sight to see. I was afraid to look. In my world, I was neither happy nor sad nor am I content but lost. I was lost for words. I was paralyzed.

-

Spring was making its way as the warm rays of the sun hit my eyes that were too lazy to open themselves. I got up and wore the clothes that the old lady had put out the night before; putting them on top of my white inner garments. I breathed as the new air had filled my lungs. Finally, the cruel winter had ended. My mind became at ease.

“Young lord, it’s a message for you.”

She gave me the letter wrapped in golden silk. It was thick and had consisted of a series of pages. I opened it and was surprised that it was written by my sister.

My dear brother, I was hoping that you would read this on the first day of spring after our faithful reunion. I am deeply sorry that I didn’t let you have your time with Yun before he had the chance to find you. He was curious about you and I really wanted you to meet him but he was not allowed to go out of the palace gates but he fortunately got out.

I didn’t see you in my wedding before. Ajumma told me that you couldn’t come then and I supposed that you didn’t want to see my face. Do I remind you of so much painful memories? Don’t be afraid of the past, my dear brother. Whatever hurt may had happened in our past, let’s not forget it but learn from it. Does that last sentence sound familiar to you? Do you still remember that it was you who said those very words to me while we were practicing our swords together?

I had received a lot of wounds from you but I learned from all of them. I still remember that it was you that told me to think of these wounds as lessons and to stop whining about them. The scars that I have now were the proof of those lessons; forever etched in my skin and forever in my mind.

I know that you didn’t receive much of those scars but I know that you had been keeping them inside your heart for a while now. The scars you had, the scars in your heart, aren’t they the more hurtful ones? I know that you had been hurting. You too are in need of your own cure, your own salvation.

I cannot use complicated herbs to help you cure those as I am no nurse. Expose those wounds. Be truthful. It may hurt in your first try but it will help to speed up your recovery.

Lastly, learn to love other people, my brother. It’s the most confusing thing out there but surely it will be wonderful. I realized that you had purposely given me your heart because there were no other people you know of. I cannot accept it as I already gave my heart to someone else and accepting yours would be unfair to you as I already had no heart to give.

Yifan healed my wounds and erased my fears. Fear doesn’t exist when you love someone, my dear brother. Promise me that you will learn to love. When you found her, let me be the first one to meet her.

My heart ached. I felt as if there was a spot that was emptied. It was a special place in my heart that could never be replaced, a special spot owned by my sister. I felt heavy. I felt weak.

 AUTHOR'S NOTES

I hope Jihoon's heart will recover. I hope my imagination had given him much justice since the last time I wrote about him.

God, I am into angst these days? Must be because of Anterograde Tomorrow... Haven't checked it out yet? Please do! I envy the writer's style.

Are you excited for the next story? Who's a Yeollie biased here? Raise your hands people!

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