Chapter 9

     Aiden’s presence improves the atmosphere the following morning, but the pressure is bubbling away below the surface, threatening to burst through at any given time.

     We eat breakfast out on the terrace and look at the mountains cast in the morning sunlight. There’s a slight haze across them today. It probably means its going to be hot again today.

     I need to talk to Siwon about Donghae, but I feel like my lips are glued together. And the worst is Siwon is saying nothing. I mean, nothing at all. I can hear him crunching on his cereal as he stares up at the view. Aiden is beside me on his highchair, munching Honey stars, and he’s unusually quiet too.

     I push away my barely touched toast. I don’t have an appetite.

     “So,” Siwon starts, and I can hear sarcasm even in this one word. Well, what’s so weird about that? He often includes sarcasm when we speak nowadays, I have to get used to it sooner or later.

     “What exciting things have you got planned today?”

     “Siwon, please . . . ” I give him an imploring look.

He shoves in another spoonful of his cereal and munches angrily.

     I try to speak soothingly. “I wondered if you might find it easier if we go out”

     “We? As in, you and Aiden?” he asks jollily and doesn’t wait for my answer. “No, I don’t think so”

     I bite my lips and stay silent for a while. “Please, Siwon. Tell me what to do” I plead.

     “How about, don’t your boyfriend’s best friend? How about that? And if you absolutely must,” he says acidly, “then have him use a ing ”

     What should I reply? That’s ing hurt. It’s not like I intentionally do this to him. Oh God! Please help me! I fight the tears that are threatening to fall down.

     Aiden starts to rap his spoon noisily on the bar of his highchair. I catch up his hands and give him a cup of water.

     “Go out today” he says flatly. I wipe Aiden’s mouth with napkins and look at Siwon.  “I don’t want to see him again, anyway” He’s talking about Donghae of course.

I nod slowly. “Are you sure?”

     “Yes, but go soon, before I change my mind”

I wait until I’m in the car before I call Donghae. “We are on our way to you.” I say. “Just me and Aiden.”

“Okay” he replies with surprise. “Do you know where I’m staying?”

“Yes, Donghae” I say, sardonically. “You texted me the details two days ago, remember?”

“Oh, yes, yes I did. I forgot that, sorry” he says

“We’ll be there in an hour” I say.

“Alright then” I end up the call and throw my phone into my bag. Now I can concentrate on my driving.

Donghae is staying in a chateau in the hills, about forty five minutes west of Seoul. It takes me about an hour to get there on the mountain roads and by the time we arrive, it’s eleven o’clock and Aiden is fast asleep. I climb out of the car and look up at the beautiful grey-stoned castle surrounded by leafy green trees. I smile. I love this kind of place, as I love nature dearly.

     I manage to transfer Aiden to his buggy, but getting him across the gravel makes for a bumpy ride. I look around to see if there’s anyone who can help me carry the buggy up the steps, but the whole place seems deserted. I hump. I pull out my phone and text Donghae to tell him that we’re downstairs.

     Moments later, I see Donghae jogging down the spiral staircase. He pushes open the gothic doors and emerges into the daylight.

     “Hey, how’s it going?”

     I put my finger to my lips and indicate the buggy.

     “Is he asleep?” he whispers. He’s cute like that.

     “Yep. Help me carry him up the steps?”

I put my hands on the handles, but Donghae wraps his arms around the centre of the buggy and takes off with it.

     “Are you alright with that?” I whisper loudly after him. That buggy is a nightmare to carry on your own, I’ve tried it. And no, I don’t want to be sued for injuring the most expensive asset of South Korea.

     “Yep” he grunts, not bothering to put it down on the floor to cross the stone tiles to the staircase. I follow him up the winding stairs, trying not to look at his cool strong biceps. We eventually reach a long corridor and Donghae pushes open the first door he comes to.

     “No key?” I say wryly.

     “ Not valuables” he replies.

     “I’m not sure souvenir hunters would agree with that,” I say, looking around the spacious suite. The dark wood shutters are wide open, allowing sunlight to spill into the room, revealing walls of polished ochre and antique furniture.  I glance through to the next room to see a large four-poster king-sized bed, made up of a golden silk bedspread.

     “Nice room,” I comment.

     “It’s alright” he brushes me off. “Where do you want him?” he indicates Aiden.

     “Can I park him in the bedroom?”

     “Sure”

     “How long does he sleep for?” he asks when I come back through

     “Hopefully another hour” I tell him, sitting down on one of the sofas.

He sits down on the sofa opposite me and picks up the phone on the side table next to him. “Want a drink?”

“I wouldn’t mind a latte”

He dials a number and places an order for room service.

“It’s quiet here,” I say. “Have you got the whole place to yourself?”

“Yes, Dena made it through.” Hmm. Maybe Dena is more skilled than I imagine. Maybe she’s better than me. Ouch, that jealousy strikes again. Oh Hyukjae.

     “How was Siwon last night?” he suddenly asks.

     “Not good.” I admit. “But I don’t want to talk about him”

     “Why not?”

     “It feels like I’m betraying him and I’ve done enough of that already”

There’s a gentle knock on the door, and Donghae gets up to answer that. A neatly dressed man comes in with a silver tray and places it on the coffee table between us.  Donghae pulls his wallet out of his pocket and hands him a note as he leaves.

     I get up and look out of the window. I’ve forgotten what it was like living in such luxury. Actually, that’s not true. You never forget it once you’ve experienced it, and I experienced it repeatedly during the eight months I worked for Donghae. Siwon is also considers as rich, but he doesn’t live in luxury like Donghae does.

     Surreal realisation hits me again. Lee Donghae is Aiden’s father. This changes everything. Life will never be normal again.

I turn around and watch him as he lifts up the silver colored coffee cup from the tray and blows at the hot liquid. Stream swirls away from him in a tiny cloud.  He’s clean-shaven and his hair looks brownish in the sunlight. He glances up at me and his beautiful light brown eyes meet mine. For a split second I feel like I’m falling and I must look shocked because his coffee cup freezes inches from his lips. Don’t act stupid, Hyukjae!

     “What?” he asks.

     “Nothing.” I avert my gaze and go to sit down. “What do you want to do today?” Try to act normal, for Gods’ sake. I take a sip of my latte.

     “It’s up to you. I wasn’t expecting you to come this way. Did you take the mountain roads or the motorway?”

     “Mountain”

     “Me too” he grins. “Awesome on the bike”

     “You brought your bike?” I ask

     “Yep” he smiles, sipping his drink.

I smile back at him, feeling strangely relaxed considering recent – and past – events. “So, today . . .”

     “There’s a spa here. Does Aiden like swimming?”

     “Mmm, he does, actually. But oh, we don’t have swimming gears”

     “We can sort that” He reaches for the phone again, dials a number and then speaks into the receiver. “I have companies, and we need to use the pool. Do you think you can reserve it for me? Yes, the whole place, in about an hour? Yes. And can you have someone bring up some swimming costumes?”

     I know from experience that the manager here will be pulling out all the stops to impress a client of Donghae’s stature. It may seem quiet, but you’d better believe that there are two or three times as many staff as usual buzzing around behind the scenes to make sure everything runs as smoothly as possible for their super prominent guest, like Donghae.

     “And swimming nappies . . .” I suddenly remember.

     “And swimming nappies,” he passes on. “For a one year old” Pause. “Size ten in UK, six in US. I don’t know how your sizing works over here” Pause. “Thanks.” He hangs up.

     I try to mask my surprise that Donghae remembers what size I am.

Within five minutes, there’s another knock at the door and we’re brought in a selection of designer swimming costume for me, from the long sleeves until the one piece, plus children swimming trunks and nappies for Aiden. I take the collection and go through to the bathroom, reeling slightly.

     When I emerge, my chosen swimming trunks on underneath my pants and top, Donghae is not in living room. I go through to the bedroom to see him perched on the end of the bed, gazing into the buggy. He glances up at me as I stand at the doorway. “Still asleep?” I whisper.

     He looks down again. “I thought I hear a noise” He gets up and walks towards me. I turn and lead the way back to the sofas.

     “Find the one you like?” he asks.

     “Yep.” I ping the strap poking out from underneath my shirt.

     “Black.” He notes.

     “I know. I’m boring.”I cast my eyes heavenwards and sit down.

     “Suits you.” He collapses onto the sofa opposite and rests his arm against the back of it. “Always did.”

Is he mocking me? Isn’t black for the boring ones? Aishh . . . Aiden lets out a sharp cry and I leap to my feet as I always d, even though there’s no rush.

     “Hello.” I say sweetly, peering into the buggy. He’s rubbing at his eyes and looks like he’s about to burst into tears. ‘Come on,” I unclick his buckles and lift him out. He sleepily buries his head into my neck as I carry him back through to Donghae, then he lifts his head and looks around before cuddling back into me. “It usually takes him a little while to wake up.” I explain to Donghae.

Donghae nods, lost for words. His face is that strange mix of emotions again and I notice that he’s sitting up a bit straighter.

     “Aiden baby, we’ve come to see Donghae.” I say in a high-pitched tone into my son’s ear. He doesn’t move from his snug position. “Do you want a biscuit?”

    His head shot up. He might not be able to say the word, but he certainly knows what it means. I smile at Donghae as he comes closer and passes the biscuit to Aiden. Aiden takes the biscuit with his chubby fingers and has a small bite, before glancing with mild interest at Donghae.

     “Your mum thought you might like to go for a swim.” Donghae suggests, hopefully, mimicking my high-pitched tone. I try not to laugh, because he’s so cute like that. Oh Donghae!

     Aiden smiles while munching his biscuit.

     “Would you like that, baby?” I ask. He continues to munch his biscuit. Maybe he’s hungry. I glance at my watch. It’s after twelve. “Maybe we’ll have some lunch first. Shall we go downstairs for a change of scenery?” I ask Donghae before he can pick up the phone again.

     “Sure”

Fifteen minutes later, we’re downstairs in the sitting room. We’re seated at a table with Aiden between us in a highchair. I’ve started the messy business of feeding him. It’ll be interesting to see how Donghae copes with this.

     “How’s your working going on?” I ask Donghae.

     “It’s good, I think.” He replies, sometimes glancing at Aiden as we talk.

     “Are you writing at the moment?”

     “No. Haven’t written anything for a while.”

     “Too busy working and partying?” I ask wryly.

Aiden reaches across and tries to grab Donghae’s heavy metallic watch.

     “No, darling.” I say, catching his arms before he smears tune mayonnaise all over Donghae’s – platinum, probably – timepiece.

     “It’s okay.” Donghae says, shaking his arm so his watch jangles slightly. I flinch as Aiden’s small fingers grapple with their prize. Donghae unclasps the watch and hands it to him.

     “Do you like that? You can have it if you like”

     “No, baby, give it back to Donghae.” I insist, knowing it probably costs more than our car.

He pouted. Donghae, not Aiden, and I’m like ‘wow’, can I just hug him now? Stop acting so cute, Donghae!

     “Why?” Donghae whines. “It’s not like I can’t afford it. I want him to have something from me”

     “Buy him a teddy then, not some expensive metal” I say, and give the watch back to him. I give Aiden a plastic car to play with instead. Donghae sighs.

A waiter interrupts us with our orders. “Thank you,” I tell him.

When we’re alone again, I look across at Donghae. He’s distinctly unimpressed.

     “What?” I ask.

     “I don’t like it when he has to call me by my name”

I sigh, wearily.

     “I don’t.” he continues obstinately.

     “We can’t do anything about that now,” I say calmly. “It’s too soon. Anyway, it’s not like he can even say ‘Daddy’ yet”

     “But he will learn. Probably soon. And technically the term applies to me” Not Siwon, he refrains from adding.

     “Be patient, Donghae” I plead.

     “I don’t want to be patient” he bites back.

     “Well, of course not.” Sarcasm kicks in. “You’re used to getting everything you want, aren’t you? How could I forget that?”

     Aiden grizzles.

     “Sorry baby” I instantly come out of my mood. I know I’m being a . I glance at Donghae. “Sorry” I mouth.

He starts to cut up his toasted ham and cheese sandwich. “Not everything.” He murmurs.

     ‘What’s that suppose to mean?’

The chateau staffs clear the spa area in advance for us so we have the swimming pool all to ourselves. It’s in a beautiful ornate glasshouse and it’s heated to just the right temperature.

     Despite that Aiden is in my arms and consequently covering a large portion of my body, I feel self-conscious as I walk down the steps into the pool. Well, I decide to not wearing any shirt for my top, just my short tight pants as my swimming trunks. Donghae is already waiting inside the water, with his tight dark blue shorts. I mentally noted to myself that I should not stare at him.

     “Can he swim yet?” he asks me.

      I can’t help but laugh. “He can’t even walk properly”

     “Well, I don’t know.” He says defensively.

     “No, that’s true.” I try to keep a straight face. “Why would you?”

     “Exactly! I haven’t been around kids before”

     “You’re coping with this far better than I ever thought you would.” I find myself speaking frankly.

     He nods slightly, staring at Aiden. “I can’t believe how much he looks like me. When did you know?” He gives me an inquisitive look. “For sure”

     I take a deep breath. “When his eyes turn almond brown. It was about six months ago, maybe a bit longer. And later I ask the doctor for his blood type, and he’s an A. I know it from then, for sure.”

     “Oh God, Hyuk!” he breathes.

     I let out my guilty smile for him.

     “Can I hold him?” he asks, opening his arms.

     “You want to swim to Donghae?” I ask Aiden and I don’t wait for his answer before zooming him at breakneck speed around in a circle and over to his bio-dad. He’s giggling by the time reaches Donghae. Donghae repeats the action and zooms him back to me. It is very enjoyable I can say. It’s been so long since I really enjoy the moment I’m having. And now I’m having it, with my son and Donghae.

     I’m by the pool, watching Donghae plays excitedly with Aiden, and I will always treasure that memory before me. It’s heartwarming. I smile. I hear Aiden keeps giggling when his father zooming him back and forth in the water. And I can’t believe my eyes when I see Donghae kisses Aiden’s cheek with joy when he glues to his neck when Donghae lets him go. I almost feel like crying.

     It’s not long after that when the guilt starts to kick in. It’s getting darker when I realise that I leave Siwon at home alone, for almost a day.

     I jump into the pool and swim to Donghae and Aiden. “It’s getting late. We should set off soon.” I say reluctantly.

Donghae’s face falls.  “You can’t stay a bit longer?”

     “I’m sorry, we should get back” I reply. I walk to the steps and climb out, feeling self-conscious again. I grab a towel and quickly wrap it around myself before tending to Aiden, who’s still clinging on Donghae. “Come on, baby” I wrap the towel around Aiden.

     “What are you doing tomorrow?” Donghae asks, reaching for a towel and patting himself dry. He doesn’t bother to cover up his body. He’s toned tanned and has been told time to time again that he’s one of the fittest guy on the planet, so he’s hardly lacking in self-confidence.

     “I don’t know yet. I actually have to talk to Siwon first. Let’s talk in the morning.”

Later, Donghae walks us out to the car. I put my nappy bag in the front passenger seat and turn around to see him trying to figure out the car seat. “I’ll do that”. I say.

He watches over my shoulder as I buckle in my son. “These things are a nightmare” I shut the car door and turn around to face him. “Donghae, I’m sorry for not telling you about him” I blurt out.

His almond brown eyes study mine for a moment, the smile gone from his lips. He nods abruptly and then pats the car roof with finality.

     “Let’s move on.”

     My nose starts to prickle. “Okay.” I climb in the car. Donghae raps on the back window and motions for me to put it down.

     “Bye Aiden” he says cheerfully. “See you tomorrow, okay, boy?”

It’s only when we’re driving away that I hear rattling sound and look back to see Aiden’s playing with Donghae’s watch. I smile and shake my head, then make a mental note to hide it in my nappy bag before Siwon sees it. It’s not worth enraging him anymore tonight.

The house is empty when we arrive home.I call Siwon to let him know that we’re back, but the phone goes straight to the voicemail. Hopefully he’s just out of reception. I leave a message and get on with Aiden’s dinner.

By the time Siwon’s key sound in the lock at ten o’clock that night, his shriveled-up dinner in the oven looks almost as bad as I feel.

     “Siwon?” I call him, anxiously, getting to my feet. I’ve been sitting in the living room fearing the worst. “I was worried something had happened to you”

He walks into the living hall wearily and stares at me. I look at him, trying to check if he’s drunk, but I don’t think he is. No liquor smells at all.

     “I can’t do this” he says.

     “Can’t do what?” I ask, confused.

     “I really can’t do this”

     “You can!” I implore, a lump forming in my throat.

He shakes his head. “I can’t, Hyuk. I wanted to. I wanted to do the right thing by Aiden. But I don’t have the strength. He won’t remember me -”

     “No!” I interrupt.

     “He won’t.” he continues. “Not when he’s older. Kids adapt very quickly, especially at this age. It’s better that I walk away now before it all gets confusing to him”

     “But I don’t want you to leave!” I wail. “Aiden doesn’t want you to leave!” I try to get through him, but he sounds so resolute, like he’s thought about this for too long. “Please, forgive me, Siwon” I beg him. “Can’t you forgive me? Please?”

     He looks at me and I see sorrow in his eyes. It pains me to see him like that. For a split second I have hope, but when his answer comes, I know that he means it.

     “No.”

My insides turn to stone.

“I’m going back to Japan tomorrow. I can’t delay my works any longer” he continues flatly. “I can’t up another important project” His tone becomes bitter for a moment before reverting to dull. “I’ll be away for at least a week. It will give you time to pack up.”

     “Please” I beg again, getting to my feet and going to his side.

He meets my gaze and the warmth that I usually see in those dark-brown eyes is gone. Totally gone.

     “I’m sorry, Hyuk, but I don’t love you” he says. “Not anymore. And never ever again.”

A/N: I’m so sorry I’m taking longer enough to update. I got too much thoughts keep running on my mind. And I don’t think I can update next week (??) because I have matters to handle. Going back, and settling things, all *sigh* But have all of you see Donghae’s weibo update?kkk, Eunhae’s in the shower ^^ Oh, and comment me, tell me what you really feel (the fact that i kick Siwon out, is not that cruel, isn't it??hhe) don’t make desperate anymore! I love you all ~