Haerin's

"This is so good~" I sang to myself as I stretched both of my arms wide, silently welcoming the beautiful and magnificent sunlight that shone towards me, as if God was trying to brighten my mood to ease down my tension earlier ago.

A faint smile played about the corner of my mouth as I felt the wind breeze caressed my cheeks that brushed through my hair since I had removed my blue ribbon that held my long auburn hair into a side ponytail and let it flowed freely and naturally towards my back. I started looking out for the trees, the adorable birds and the invincible crickets that offered to play me a soothing song that was music to my ear by creating a mini parade.

Feeling a little giddy inside, I then removed my bag pack from my back as I placed it on the ground. Before I laid my head against it, avoiding the impact between my head and the ground which covered stones, I then patted on the bag pack's surface flat before I plopped lazily.

Silently enjoying the scenery to myself, I then stared at the clouds that floated carefree-like above me. Reaching both of my hands towards it, I frowned as I captured the beauty which was one of the creation of our almighty God with both of my eyes. "What a waste. I should bring my camera along with me.."

I shut both of my eyes as I rested one of my arm underneath my head and the other laid flatly on the ground as scenario in the morning started to replay in mind. Dissatisfaction was clearly shown on my bare face.

"I am really falling for him.. Am I?"

-Flashback-

Everything was fine before I entered the classroom along with Yoseob who stayed next to me side by side laughing and teasing at each other until that very moment when I entered the classroom staring at an unknown yet beautiful girl who was around my age clinging onto Junhyung who was trying to push away that girl from him.

I paced forward a little with a slight frown on my face while Yoseob at the other hand, as his smile was melted into a disgusted frown.

I could hardly breathe at what I was currently staring at. Without a second thought, I then placed my belongings on one of my classmates' table as I turned around staring at a dumbfounded Yoseob.

Tugging onto his uniform sleeve, and trying hard to grab his attention, I then asked him whether that girl who was busy clinging onto Junhyung as if her future life depended on it was Hyorin whom everyone in the campus was talking about. He then nodded as an answer to my question.

I then gave him a look and walked away without turning back to look at him as I brought my belongings along with me.

Yes.

That was all I need to hear from Yoseob himself.

"Are they both a thing?"

"So, what those students in the campus said were all true?"

Tears started to wander around my eyelids, as I felt hot tears started to roll down from my eyelids towards my bare cheeks. I bit my lips, hard as I could taste the bitter red of my blood that sipped into my tongue. I looked down at the ground as I clutched my belongings towards me while created a barrier with my fringe to hid my redden eyes.

My heart hurt so badly. Of all time, why now?

Why can't that girl who built a bad reputation before I got transferred into this school with the name of Hyorin appeared right before I am here? I secretly thought to myself, "Oh father, are you playing a game with me?"

If only I did not sort out my feelings, if only I did not realize my feelings towards Junhyung himself, maybe, just maybe I could just stare right into his eyes and smile at him, but, sadly, right now, I could not and would not. My feeling towards him is falling deeper and deeper whenever I see him, in my dream or reality. For once, I hope this was a dream, but to my dismay, what I am currently facing was reality.

I heaved a sigh as I felt my heart turned heavy while I felt the time had turned slow as I walked towards my seat which was a few steps away from them. 

"Oppa? So I will meet you later, right?"

"Don't you have classes which you need to attend now?"

"Yeap, but I am heading back to class late, just for you~ Plus, I don't think the lecturer would start the class without me, you know? He did get something from me once in a while before~"

My eyes twitched a little. "What the hell? Yoseob oppa is right, so this is how Hyorin-shi is. Does she really need to betray her body like that?" I stared at her in disgust while I glanced around the classroom, spotted several guys were staring at her miniskirts that showed her slender long legs.

"Get away from me, will--" Junhyung stopped himself from talking as I accidentally stared back at him with cold eyes while I headed towards my seat. Placing my belongings on the table as I rested my head on my arms, trying hard to erase those mixed thoughts and feelings out of me.

When I was about to kept my mind busy to prevent thinking about Junhyung and that girl by reading my school notes, I jumped a little as I felt a hand wrapped around my wrist as the person pulled me up on my feet from my seat. I turned my head as I spotted Yoseob smiling sincerely as he released his hand that wrapped around my wrist.

"Stand back and watch." Yoseob whispered next to my ear as he winked at me. Believe me, most of the girls would die to earn a wink from this adorable dude here. How lucky am I?

“Oppa, where should we go later on? Hongdae?" Hyorin started to rub onto Junhyung's crotch area. My eyes bulged out while Yoseob at the other hand was dumbfounded. "What the hell? Please, can someone just tell me she did not do that!?" my eyes harden as I felt both of my cheeks flushed due to anger and embarrassment. Anger was because as a girl, she actually had the guts to rub onto his private area. Was she trying to pull down our pride? Was she really that thick skinned? Embarrassment was because I was actually staring at her doing that right in front of my face. I shook my head as I sighed, "This girl must be insane.."

"What the ?" Junhyung jerked away from her as his face turned red while he yelled at her.

"Oppa~" she started to throw a tantrum like a kid. "Don't you like it? I mean, you can come to my place or maybe I could go to yours?" she then scooted closer to him as she drew circles on his chest with her fingers while she raised one of her legs, which exposed her pink and yellow that caused those erted guys that were all aiming her underneath for some time to cheer among themselves. I could actually imagine all of them on both of their knees right now and kissed the ground as gratitude towards our almighty God that gave them such awesome treatment.

I was mentally singing a victory song to my own self when Junhyung pushed her away himself but at the same time was mentally cursing him for allowing such person to cling on him. I puffed my cheeks as I felt my inner self started to boil in anger, I won't be surprised if the baby volcano in me started to erupt. Even though I might looked awkward at the outside, but I felt the smile which I tried hard to force had melted into a displeased frown for some time. Plus, I am actually mentally shooting daggers and stars like a ninja to Hyorin. If looks could kill, she probably on her knees right now was begging me to spare her life. Besides, I could also imagined my duplicate self who was buff and strong to carry her up to the hill or maybe the mountain and placed here there all alone to starve her to death. I shook my head lightly as I frowned, felt as if I did a sin or maybe a crime for thinking that way. "What had gotten into me? I must be crazy, special thanks to that poker face king."

I then turned around as I muttered next to Yoseob's ear. "Oppa, what are we doing here?"

"Nothing much. Just watching how the almighty hyung handles his current situation." he smirked slyly.

"Ooooh.." I nodded my head with an ugly frown plastered on my bare face as I turned to the front while locked eyes with Junhyung himself.

"Oppa~"

I felt jealous of Hyorin, I wish I could have the guts to call Junhyung as my oppa.

My face fell as I felt it harden while I coldly stared at them, especially the way Hyorin clung on him while rubbing her s on his chest. "Is he enjoying?"

"Every guys would die to be his spot right now.."

"Forget it. I take back what I felt earlier ago. She deserves it, for me to think bad about her earlier ago." I puffed my cheeks as I mentally threw darts on her.

My eyes widen as I started to clench my hands into fists while I started to breathe hard and inhaled, exhaled slowly and quietly. I felt the whole world stopped. My heart hurt so badly while I felt both of my palms turned sticky and clammy wet. The way Junhyung wrapped his hands on one of Hyorin's hand and the way she squealed in delight. 

I stopped staring at them as I felt my heart started to break into several pieces as I could felt blood sipping into me again inside my mouth while gently used my tongue to dry on my bloody lips. "Fishy, I guess I bite my lips too hard.."

I am jealous. Very jealous.

This was my first time falling for someone and I really can't believe I am trying experiencing the pain by staring at that person who I am currently falling in love with was actually standing super close to another girl.

"Why did I fall in love at this time? Why can't they get a thing before I transferred or before I sorted out my feelings towards him? Why?"

"God.. What game are you trying to play with me?"

I could not believe my first love just ended up this way.

Then with a dark frown on my face, I turned around, facing my back towards them as the bell rang the second time, signifying class started and indirectly asking the students to get back to class immediately.

I slumped my shoulder forward as I rested my head on my folded arms that place comfortably on my table. "Forget it. Forget it. Forget it." I mentally sang to myself.

-End of flashback-

I took in everything slowly as I stared at the sky that turned from shades of bright blue to a lighter one.

Silently enjoying the scenery myself, I then counted the clouds that bypassed by my sight one by one.

I chuckled to myself when I spotted a cloud that looked like a pig.

"Silly me~"

I closed both of my eyes for a short while, wanting to take a quick nap before heading back home since school just ended earlier ago.

Pushing away thoughts that related to Junhyung.

I hesitated for a second as I shook my head, remembered someone once said, 'Home is where you belong and home is where your body needs to be.' As years went by, I found that saying was amusing and funny. Not trying to be offensive, but living in such kind of environment where you could not spent most of your time with your mother who most of the time was busy, I just can't understand that saying since I felt unwanted and I can't felt the love ever since my dad passed away, surrendered his dear life to our beloved God. I really once thought home was the motivation to keep on living life because, no matter what happens, family members will always stay by your side. They will either give you support or walk with you, side by side throughout the path of your life. For now, my dad was the only motivation to move on. Up till now, I still secretly believed he was my guardian angel, or perhaps our guardian angel.

I smiled sadly as images of my father appeared in mind like a flash. I miss him. I really do.

I gently rested both of my hands, flat on my stomach as I laid under the tree lazily, with my bag pack as my pillow below my head. The tree as my little shelter of the day, the sunlight that shone around me as an energy to keep me to go on, the wind breeze as my relaxation source and the mini parade as my entertainment.

Silent and peace were both what I needed for now.

Several minutes of thinking and sorting out some stuff in my mind back and forth, my mind had set down and finally surrendered as both of my eyelids started to turn heavy. Soon, I just dozed off towards dreamland.

----------

"What are you doing here?" a voice appeared out of nowhere.

I groaned while both of my eyebrows furrowed as I turned the other way round, facing to my right, getting totally annoyed since someone just invaded my space and disturbed me from my beauty sleep.

Without even bothering to give that person a chance to talk, I then continued taking my nap, totally ignoring the whole world including that person since the only thing that was currently in my mind was just my nap and me.

To my disappointment, that person seemed not able to get my message, he or maybe she scooted closer to me as he reached out his hands and shook my shoulders gently, trying to wake me up from my slumber. "Should not you be home by now?"

Feeling puzzled and skeptical. 

Both of my eyes slowly twitched open as I rubbed on it lightly with my the back of my palm. My vision was slightly blurred as my brain was working a little slow due to my sleep earlier ago. 

A pair of legs had appeared in front of me out of nowhere as he just remained standing right in front of me, shading me along with the tree from the sun as he stared at me from above.

"So, it was a guy after all. Why did he bother to wake me up anyway? I don't remember hiring anyone to be my alarm of the day!"

I yawned softly as I continued staring this pair of unknown legs. It always takes me a few minutes to process my life or maybe current situation.

"Eermm.." I croaked gingerly.

I could hardly opened both of my eyes to look up at him, special thanks to those sunlight but the heat that surrounded the both of us comforted me a little, and it somehow made me felt warm.

Without a single word, he then kneed down on his knees and placed both of his hands right above my eyes, blocking my vision from the sun ray that made me felt uncomfortable. 

"Are you alright?" he asked softly.

Both of my eyes widen as I thought to myself, "Junhyung? Why is he here? Wasn't he supposed to be in Hongdae with Hyorin?"

"I must be dreaming!! Wake up!!"

My heart raced in a rapid pace even though all he did was just a minor action, but, to me, everything he does or did made my heart skipped a beat or maybe flipped. "He is being so gentleman." I secretly smiled at my thoughts. "This dream is not that bad after all, how I wish this is reality.."

I gave him a small smile, as gratitude towards him. He just nodded his head as he took out both of his hands, signifying me to hold onto him so I could sit up easily from my current position since I am still lying on the ground with my bag pack below my head. 

I raised my eyebrows, staring at his hands and back to that gorgeous face of his weirdly. Everything was in silence as I pressed on my lips into a firm line, until he broke it as he nudged me by moving both of his hands once in a while.

"Hurry up and hold on to me. My hands can't stay this way for long because my hands will be worn off soon." he mumbled while looking at the other side as he cleared his throat awkwardly. "Wait, this really is reality.."

I hesitated a little before I held out my hands and placed on his lightly, he then intertwined with mine almost immediately.

The sudden contact between the both of us at that very moment when he wrapped his hands around mine, a swarm of butterflies seemed to appear out of nowhere inside the pit of my stomach as they started to peck here and there.

With his help, I sat straight up right away as I laid lazily against the tree.

"Still feeling sleepy?" Junhyung chuckled lightly while shaking his head as he patted the ground a few times before he sat on the empty spot which was right in front of me.

Silence had overtook the atmosphere since I was too busy observing his features and everything and he was too busy adjusting his sitting position since he was trying to block my vision from the sun.

Believe me, I found him doing that a sweet gesture.

"Your girlfriend would be so lucky to have you by their side.." I thought as I felt jealousy crept into me as picture Hyorin started to click into my mind.

"Thanks.." I mumbled shyly as I started to fumble my fingers nervously.

I guessed he heard me since he just nodded his head without saying a single word.

"So--" I stared at the small gap between the both of us and started playing and arranging the dried leaves that felled gently from the tree, making a nature traces around the ground. "--what are you doing here?"

He just kept quiet for a short moment and continued with a husky voice of his. "I just need to clear up my mind a little. So, here I am."

I nodded my head. "Should not you be in Hongdae right now? I mean you can't leave that girl hanging.."

He raised one of his eyebrows strangely as he continued staring at me. 

"She seemed really interested in you, I mean, why don't you give it a shot?" I started to babbler. 

"What the hell are you trying to say, you idiot!" I mentally scolded myself.

"You moron! What are you trying a do? Asking him to try to give both of them a shot? Are you freaking insane?" 

He just kept quiet while he stared at elsewhere.

"Who am I talking to? Of course he would not want to talk about his relationship problems to people like me.."

I sighed, as I planned to leave him alone at the rooftop to sort out his problems. When I was about to stand up and head towards the rooftop, his hand jerked up and within a second, a hand wrapped around my wrist, pulling me down to prevent me from standing. 

I stared right into his eyes that at the same time looking into mine. Our face was so closed till I felt both of my cheeks redden, he might not noticed our distance but ..I did.

"I should be going now, I mean, you need some time alone, right?" I whispered slowly as I hid my face behind my fringes as a barrier to my wounded eyes. It hurts so bad when I seemed like a nobody to him since he chose not to talk about it, but at the same time, I bet it hurts deep down if he started talking or sharing about his love life to me. "What have you done to me.."

I wiggled off his grasp as I turned around, heading towards the door without even bother to turn around to wave him goodbye.

"Stay."

"Stay' was what he only said as he continued sitting there while he brushed his fingers through his hair.

I was absolutely stunned as I dared not move a single step towards the door as his voice sounded soft but commanding.

My back was still facing his as he cleared his throat, "Turn around and have a seat."

I gulped mouthful of saliva as I slowly turned around, walking quietly towards the spot right in front of him and hurriedly sat on it. I stared down at my shoes that caught my sudden attention. "Why did he stops me anyway if he did not intent to talk?" my mouth immediately melted into a frown.

"So, why are you still here? Should not you be home by now?" he clucked his tongue as he asked while tilted his head to the side.

"Finally you chose to break the silence.. Yay!" I mentally cheered to myself in a sarcastic way while imagine myself holding a baby blue pom-pom.

I heaved a sigh as numerous of thoughts kept on floating in mind. "What should I say to him?"

"Oh, my mother left me alone for months due to hectic job in overseas." I secretly thought to myself in a sarcastic way.

"My mother is busy, so she ended up leaving me alone at home right after we moved in because her boss wanted to her to tag along with him since there is a huge project waiting for them in some country." I pressed my lips in a firm line.

"Maybe I could say she is heading home late tonight, so, here am I?" I frowned. "Wait, that is lying.."

"Haerin?" he spotted me looking dazed and he gently shook me a little, trying to avert my attention back to him. "Haerin-ah!"

"W-what!?" my gazed immediately turned to him as I spotted how close his face to mine. I can felt his mint breath lingered around me.

He sat back, placing both of his hands behind his back coolly as he continued staring at me. "I am still waiting~"

"What are you waiting for?" I turned around, scanning through our surroundings, searching for someone mysterious around the both of us. “Perhaps he invited Hyorin to join him and at the same time asked me to be her replacement for a short while until she is here? How nice of him.." I frowned at that thought of mine.

He lightly pressed his index finger on my forehead and pushed my head backwards. "What is this mind of yours wandered to? Why are you here? Should not you be home by now? Be glad I am having a good mood for now to repeat my question twice."

I gave him a look. "Good mood? Right, Hyorin is basically mainly the reason for that good mood of yours.."

He stared closely at me as one of his eyebrows rose, "What is with that ugly frown of yours?"

I blew a raspberry, harshly. Feeling a little mad, "No one would welcome me whenever I reach to the door steps. So, what for heading back early if I need to face cold air hitting on my face to welcome me whenever I am the door steps?" I looked straightly at him with anger written all over my face as I answered.

I felt tears lingered around my eyelids as I bit my lips once again, forbidding those tears to crawl down freely. "Please, not now, why can't you just wait when I am all alone to fall!"

There was no way I am crying right in front of his face.

Sadness started to rush into me as I thought of that empty home of mine that lack of love and harmony.

He rose his eyebrows, looking totally confused as he stared at me. "What do you mean?"

I shook my head a little, signifying I am alright. "It is not his even fault, Haerin-ah, why are you throwing your temper out of him?"

I ended up smiled sadly at him as a respond for his question while I shook my head lightly and hummed.

"Just tell me. What is wrong? You don't look good and it is like.." he paused for a short while and continued in a pleading way. "..you are about to tear up anytime from now."

"Nothing, really.." I cooed as I fidgeted my fingers while staring at his shoes, avoiding his gaze.

Our atmosphere was quiet, not even a single pin or maybe needle was heard, and what I didn't know was he was mad. 

My stomach twitched, feeling slightly uncomfortable as I felt a weird aura, I looked up and saw him clenching onto his fist tight. "What is going on with him.."

He stood up, staring down at me, and both of his eyes fuming in anger.

"Seriously, just tell me about it! Why do you want to hide everything to yourself? Do you really think that small heart of yours could actually withstand all those problems of yours?" he suddenly spoke up while his gaze shot through mine.

Anger and furious were all written on his face. 

"W-wha--" I looked at him, feeling totally dumbfounded.

"Just stop it and keep your mouth shut for now! All you have to do is sit back and listen to me whether you like it or not!" he growled.

"What is he talking about?"

"B-bu-t.." I continued but ended up getting interfered by him.

"Don't but me, Haerin! You think I don't know?" "What should you know?"

I stared back at him with my poker face on. I noted to myself as I continued staring at his fuming face, "Remember not to make him mad, but, why is he furious all of a sudden? I don't remember mentioning any sensitive topics that would tick off the timer bomb in him."

I just kept quiet, staring at him, confused.

"I know, our relationship is not as good as yours with your Yoseob OPPA or Gikwang OPPA. We don't talk much, but that doesn’t means that I could not read through your expression! Remember the other day when all of us were asking you to head home on your first day of school? That expression of yours.." he emphasized the 'oppa' and his expression changed immediately as he raised up his voice.

"Did I sense jealousy here?" I tilted my head to the side.

"Junhyung-shi.."

"!" he cursed.

I winched.

He took a deep breath before looking at me, eyes full of pain and hurt.

Inhaling deeply, he then continued, "I am ing sick of it, do you know that? Junhyung-shi! Junhyung-shi! Till when are you planning to stop calling me that? Huh? Huh?"

He stared sadly at me, a flash of hurt appeared at his mesmerizing eyes. "Am I really not that worthwhile for you to call me that?"

I sat there, totally dumbfounded. I never thought that I would face such conversation like that. I didn't know what I should say.

"Why did he out-burst all of a sudden, and of all things, how did he know what am I feeling whenever anyone or everyone mentions about hime?"

'Should I walk up to him to comfort him or should I just sit back and stare at him?" Several questions kept on appeared in mind in a flash. I just wanted to crawl to him so badly.

My lips was chapped as I on it while biting down lightly.

"Why was he mad?"

"Why did his eyes showed pain and hurt when he mentioned about me calling him Junhyung-shi all this while?"

"I thought everything is fine.."

I sighed. "..or maybe not.."

I just stared back, as I remained quiet while looking at him with his head hung low, facing his back towards me.

I then pressed my lips into a firm line. He just kept quiet but I could heard him sniffling to himself silently, probably hoping I could not heard about it as he tried to cover it by hanging his head low while staring at the floor.

I stood up, clearing my throat as I walked towards him. 

"J-Junhyung--" I stuttered as I placed my hand on his back.

I stopped all of a sudden since I am nervous especially when he suddenly turned around and glanced up at me. I really had no idea whether I should continue calling him Junhyung-shi or maybe like others, and started calling him Junhyung oppa?

I knew he was anticipating something, but when he noticed the silent, he took a deep breath.

By the look of it, I guess he knew I am not calling him for now.

I saw tears b around his eyelids earlier ago. He then shook his head as he used his thumb to wipe it off gently. "Did he just cry?"

My heart started to bleed as I felt that heart of mine torn apart into millions, billions of pieces.

"Is calling me oppa really that hard?" he said in a tone of sadness as he tried to remain his poker face but sadly, his eyes betrayed him by showing a hint or hurt, sadness and pain. He laughed sadly as he waved me off.

I clenched both of my fists tight and placed my hands side by side as I continued staring at him. A single word could hardly play around my lips.

"Forget it." he spat as he swiftly turned around, facing his back at him. I saw him raised up his arms towards his face, wiping off something, perhaps, tears?

I frowned at the thought of Junhyung crying, as I felt a sudden cut and ache through my heart. My eyes twitched, in a bad way.

"Sorry, I guess I am too tired. I am going now." he then left me alone without turning around to wave goodbye.

My heart ached at that very moment, I could hardly breathe when he stood up and left without turning back to look at me.

I felt hot tears started to crawl down from my eyelids towards my cheeks as I clutched both of my hands towards my chest.

I laughed as I thought to myself. "You had finally given up by suppressing your tears?"

I shook my head lightly. "Why am I crying?"

"Why am I hurting?"

"This is not the first time people walk out your life, leaving you behind. You should get used to it by now. You should not break down that easily." I shook my head slightly, trying to erase those thoughts about him.

Is he really that important to me, I might not know the answer before but now? I think I knew..

I only met him for months, but when he left me behind, those feeling of betrayed and hurt which I had once went through few years back came back to me all of a sudden.

"Who are you to me?"

"Do you really think I would not want to call you that too?" I silently mumbled to myself as I stared at the hazy and dark sky from far. The sky seemed to understand my current situation which I had faced earlier ago as shades of purple and blue started to color the once bright sky.

I stared at the dark sky that accompany me with a heavy heart and allowed sadness to swallow me up.

I sighed as I used my thumb to wipe off those tear stains of mine. "Junhyung--"

I took a deep breath before I continued, "--oppa.."

I smiled sadly. "If only I have the guts to do so earlier ago, do you think you will still walk away without turning back as you leave me alone?"

----------

Junhyung's

"What the hell is wrong with me?" I slumped on the coach of my penthouse as I stared at the television blankly.

I closed both of my eyes for a short while as the scene which I walked out and left her sitting alone at the rooftop rewind in mind again and again, it seemed like a broken radio player that not planning to stop any further.

I heaved a sigh while I looked at my reflection through the television.

"Is she safely home?"

"Did I do the right thing..?"

I felt bad for leaving her alone. I sighed to my lonely soul, "But other than that, what can I do?"

"Is this one sided after all?"

----------

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Last updated : 24th of February  2013