Every news station and gossip magazine for the next couple weeks were covered in nothing but Seunghyun’s scandal.  Jiyong watched day after day as people ripped the man he loved apart and it made his stomach churn, knowing that he could do nothing about it.

For some reason, when the news first hit, the reporter decided to hide who “Vick” was actually dating. The article only mentioned that Vick was in a secret relationship with man “J” and was accompanied with pictures of Seunghyun and himself, except all the pictures that were released had his image blurred out.

Apparently this reporter had been keeping track of them for months and knew that they had been together for just as long. There were images of them getting into taxies, going into Seunghyun’s apartment building, them at dinner, and even some from the Jeju trip.

But Jiyong knew that it was only a matter of time before people who had seen them together put two and two together. All it took was one little slip up from someone he worked with and his name would be plastered right up there with Seunghyun’s.

Through the first week Jiyong tried to busy himself with work, editing the pictures that were taken for the pictorial on Jeju. But his mind would wander and he would find himself thinking about the special moments him and Seunghyun had shared on the island.

By the middle of the second week Seungri was trying to get Jiyong more jobs to distract his boss and friend, but he could tell that his heart wasn’t in it any more. All his pictures weren’t coming out right and he was starting to snap more at people on sets, something that he has never done before.

After one particular fit of outrage by the photographer, Seungri walked up to him and got right in his face.

“If you don’t snap out of this right now, you might as well throw your whole career out the window. Your pictures look like and you’re acting like the biggest on the planet. This isn’t you. And once you realize this, you’ll thank me. I know you’re going through a lot right now but think of what Seunghyun would say if he saw you acting like this?”

Although he risked getting fired, he knew it was worth it if he could save his friend. And apparently the words were just what Jiyong needed to hear. The older man looked to his assistant with watery eyes as he whispered for only him to hear, “Seungri… I just need to know he’s ok.”

He brought his hand up and wiped away the tears from Jiyong’s eyes. “I know and even though you can’t see him right now, you should try and be strong for him.”

Jiyong nodded.

“Now lets finish up and I’ll drive you back home, ok?”

He took a deep breath and composed himself as he apologized to everyone and finished the shoot without any more out bursts.

However at the beginning of the third week, his named had finally made it into the news and it was like reopening a fresh wound. Everyone seemed to be talking about it more and more, now that they finally knew who Vick's secrest lover was. But by the end of that week he still hadn’t heard a single word from Seunghyun. It was like he dropped off the face of the earth and Jiyong wanted to drop off too. He told Seungri to cancel his appointments for the rest of the week, claiming he was sick but really he couldn’t concentrate on anything and everything he saw on a daily basis reminded him of his absent boyfriend.  

He just wanted to be shut off from the rest of the world and their slander about Seunghyun and him that still plagued headlines. So he decided to drown himself in alcohol one night, trying to numb the pain away because nothing else seemed to be working

He wanted to feel the warmth of Seunghyun’s body against his and taste the sweetness of his kiss but all he could feel now was the burn of liquor down his throat and the sting on his lips. And he knew that that was all he was going to be feeling for a long time to come.

Later that night, Jiyong felt his phone vibrate beside him on the bed. He didn’t want to even know what time it was, let alone know who as calling so he just ignored it and fell back asleep. But the vibrations continued and after what seemed like 5 missed calls, Jiyong decided to answer the 6^th.

“Hello…” he groaned into the device, still halfway asleep but very much drunk.

“Jiyong?”

Hearing the voice on the other end made him to sit upright very fast, the movement causing the alcohol induced headache to intensify.

“S-Seunghyun?” he hissed through the pain.

“Yeah… It’s me…”

There was an awkward silence. Jiyong’s mind was spinning, but he knew that it wasn’t all the alcohols fault. This was the first time in three weeks that he had heard Seunghyun’s voice and god it sound so good to hear it. His heart clenched and his eyes started to water at hearing the deep scruff of a voice that had been absent from his life.

“Jiyong… you still there?” He could hear an uneasiness in the older man’s voice.

“Yes,” he choked out. “Yes Seunghyun, I’m here.” He felt a tear roll down his cheek. His emotions were all over the place. He was thrilled to hear his boyfriends voice after so long, but it just reminded him of how long he hasn’t been able to see him, to touch him, to be there during all of this. He felt like the worst human possible for not being able to comfort Seunghyun in his most desperate time of need.

“I just needed to call you,” Seunghyun started. “To see how you’re doing…”

“See how I’m doing?” Jiyong’s voiced reached another octave due to the emotions running through him. “Who cares about me! How are you doing?” You’re the one going through all of this.”

He heard a shaky breath on the other end. He could see Seunghyun probably sitting on the couch, with feet on the edge as he rested his head on his knees. What he would do to be there right now.

“Seunghyun talk to me.” Jiyong heard what sounded like a sniffle. “Please… talk to me.”

After a few moments Seunghyun spoke in a broken voice, “I just… it’s… it’s all so hard…”

His voice cracked and Jiyong knew that he was crying, just like he was. He wiped some of the tears from his own eyes wishing he could do the same for Seunghyun right now.

“Shh… I know it is.” It took all his will power to not drop the phone and go to him, even if it was 3 o’clock in the morning. Hearing how broken his boyfriend was had shattered every fiber of his being.

“I’m just mad at myself for letting this happen. I should have been more careful, we should have been more careful. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m tired and worn out. All I want to do is stay locked up.”

“It’s ok… everything is going to be fine…”

“Don’t tell me everything is going to be fine,” Seunghyun shot back. “This will never be fine… at least not like this.”

“Just come over. Come over to my place.”

“I can’t… I can’t see you right now.”

“Why is it because of Daesung? Does he not want you to leave your house?”

“No… I-I can’t face you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“How am I supposed to face the world if I can’t even face you. I can’t bear to see you look at me with sympathy and sorrow. You of all people…”

“Seunghyun I wouldn’t-“

“You say that now, but I know you would. You probably do every time you see my picture on TV. I just can’t handle it right now.”

“Seunghyun-“

“See right there, I can even hear it in your voice. I feel like I’m a disappointment to everyone around me. I can’t go out of the house anymore because people keep looking at me and saying things under their breath and its driving me insane. They all have disgust in their eyes and it makes me feel like I am disgusting. I feel like . And I just want this all to end…”

“Seunghyun, please don’t shut me out.”

“I just… need some time away… to sort through things.” He released a deep breath. “I need to take a break.”

“You’ve been gone for weeks, isn’t that enough of a break? Or are you saying that you want a break from us…” Jiyong paused. “Are you ending our relationship?  Just because people finally know about us?” Anger started to creep up into Jiyong’s voice.

“No that’s not-“

“So you were fine doing everything we did as long as no one knew about it. I was just a secret that you wanted to hide?”

“You know that’s not how it is and plus Daesung and Seungri both knew.”

“They had already known for years what our ual preference was and they’ve been by our side all along.”

“But I’m not like you, I just need time!”

“Time for what? To go back to hiding me? Our relationship and who you really are?”

“No that’s not it-“

“Are you ashamed of me?”

“Jiyong! I’ve nev-”

“Seunghyun if this is who you really are… a coward… then I don’t think we should continue this…”

“Jiyong please no, that not what I meant-“

“I have to go.” He choked out as he hung up the phone.

He collapsed back onto his bed with tears streaming down his face. He knew what he was saying and he knew that it would hurt both him and Seunghyun, but for some reason he couldn’t stop saying it. He wanted to say that the liquor was twisting his words, but really, it was making all his hidden insecurities come out. He never told Seunghyun how much he actually wanted their relationship to be public.

No matter how much he wanted believe that fate had brought them together, he didn’t want it to be fate that pulled them apart. They were finally out to everyone, but Jiyong never wanted it to happen like this. Anything but this…

He rolled onto side and wrapped his arms around himself, trying to hold himself together, but it wasn’t working. Screaming in to the darkness he cursed the world and himself for making Seunghyun go through so much pain.

The alcohol churned in his stomach and he tried to fight the nausea, but with all these emotions running through him, they were starting to physically affect him, and the liquor decided to make itself known once again.

He quickly got up and ran to the bathroom to empty his stomach, wanting some sort of release form this agony. Once he finished throwing up, he crumpled onto the cool tile with nothing left inside of him except for an emptiness in his heart.  

It was the first time in years that Jiyong had cried himself to sleep. And when he woke up the next morning his head was pounding, his throat sore and he found that he was still sprawled out on the bathroom floor. When he stood, last night’s events came rushing back to him.

How he drank every possible alcoholic substance in his house.
How Seunghyun had called him.
What he had said to him…

And he regretted every damn syllable.