I didn't even wait for Lu Han's parents to recover from the news. My feet moved immediately and since there was only one hospital in our neighborhood, I was pretty sure that was where my feet were taking me.

Lu Han turned out to be in an operating room and no one was allowed to go inside. Dread filled my whole being as I paced back and forth outside, waiting.

Lu Han's parents arrived moments later and it was only then when I realized that I was already crying. 

I sniffed as I rushed forward to hug her. I didn't know how long we were standing there, just crying on each other's shoulder. I didn't want to think about what was going on inside, but there was no way of denying it.

My heart squeezed with pain at the thought that there was a chance that I might never see him again, that there was a chance that I might never talk to him again and the worst of all, there was a chance that I might lose him.

The thought of it hurt me more when I remembered the last words that I said to him. How could I have told him that? Oh Lu Han, please wake up. I don't hate you, at least let me tell you that, I thought as I sobbed into his mother's arms.

When Lu Han's mom finally let go of me, her husband took her downstairs and I was left alone again in the hallway. As I stared into his room with glassy eyes, part of me believed that maybe this was all a prank and any moment now, Lu Han would come out and laugh at me for falling for it. But part of me knew this was the reality. Lu han, I didn't mean it. Wake up. Please, I thought again as my tears began to fall once more.

When we were finally allowed to see Lu Han, I stayed in his room like it was my second home. There was only one time when I left and that was to get all the things I needed at home. Three days after the accident, when Lu Han still didn't show any sign of waking up, the doctor finally conceded that he was in a coma.

And all I did was sunk to the floor and cry like I've never cried before.

I hated myself for being so selfish, I hated myself for being so foolish. I could have treated him better all those years had I been more observant to my surroundings and my feelings. How could I have wasted 7 years? But it was too late now. Too late to regret the things that I already did and failed to do in the past.

As I was crying, I heard the door creaked open. When I had the courage to turn around, I saw Hannah carrying a box.

"Jiyeon," was the only thing she said. She already knew no words were enough to lessen the pain that I was feeling now. "Um, I found this in your room last night when I was looking for some clothes to bring you," she said, holding up the box. "I think you might want to see it." She placed the box in the hospital table and without another word, she left.

I wiped my face with the back of my right hand as my left hand took the box. What was in it that Hannah had to bring it here?

As I took the lid off the box, tears began to stream down my face again.

In it was a scrapbook that looked so tattered and old and when I flipped it open, dozens of pictures of my childhood greeted my sight. Waking up, walking around my room with my bed hair, going to my first day in school, slipping off, and pictures of all those pranks Lu Han had pulled on me. It was only then that I realized how much alive I looked whenever Lu Han was around. And these pictures, I couldn't even imagine how much trouble he had gone through just to take these.

Even more tears followed when I picked up a torn transparent cellophane that lay next to the scrapbook. It looked so familiar, it made my heartache. This was the freaking sandwich wrapper from the sandwich he stole from me years ago. Why would he keep it? I thought as I hugged it.

And finally, my eyes laid on a piece of paper that held Lu Han's writing. I couldn't stop the tears anymore knowing these things were indeed from Lu Han. Was this the reason why he had stayed behind on our graduation day? To give this to me?

My heart constricted with guilt at the thought that it could be my fault why he was hurt. But it wasn't time for that now; I had to know what he wanted to tell me.

With trembling hands, I picked up the paper and began to read.

 

~~~

I don't know how to begin this, Yeon. You know how much I at expressing my feelings, but you need to know. There are a lot of things that I have been dying to tell you. Do you still remember the day we first met? I wouldn't be surprised if you had already forgotten. It was a terrible memory to you, after all. But to me, everything is still fresh as if it was just yesterday. I remembered the curious look in your eyes when you strolled into the lake and slowly took the surrounding in. It was actually what caught my attention that day, your eyes, how bright they were when you sat on the bench and watched me and my friends fish. My friends were starting to point you out because you were basically someone we hadn't seen before, and at that moment, call it competitiveness if you like, I had wanted to be the one that you would notice first. I tried to think of ways to approach you but my mind dismissed all the ideas it had thought of. I was selfish. I wanted to make a lasting impression on you so you wouldn't quickly forget me. You were new in town, after all, and first impression mattered the most if I wanted to stick out. Stealing your sandwich was the best way I had come up with. I know, it was stupid. But you couldn't blame me, I was just a twelve-year-old kid at that time whose thoughts were only about acting fast. I never regretted my actions that day though so I'm not going to ask for your forgiveness. I'm just sorry that you had to slip, that clearly wasn't part of the plan. And when you pushed me into the lake? I think that's what sealed the deal for me. Curiosity engulfed me and I wanted to get to know you then. I couldn't exactly approach you after that, thinking you