“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could”

And I’m still alive. I actually thought that drowning myself in sleeping pills will really kill me, but it seems like it just gave me an excruciating headache and a totally crappy mood. Yes, I did try killing myself last night. I even asked the pharmacist to give me the strongest sleeping pill that they have and I took three tablets in a matter of two hours. I did fell asleep after that, but I was expecting to not wake up anymore. Oh well, it seems like God is not yet ready to take me in his kingdom once again.

Before, I’ve always loved mornings. I don’t know, but I feel like seeing the sun high above the sky while striking my pale skin gives me a good feeling. And now, I hate everything about it for the moment I opened my eyes, reality kicked in and it knocks me down, face first to the ground. Being me right now is totally ridiculous and living this life is extremely mind wrecking.

“AAHHH!” I shrieked when I tried lifting my head up.

“OH ! KILL ME NOW! PLEASE!” I shouted in annoyance.

This is how trash I am right now. I shout, I hurt, I am a mess in short, and all I want is to end all of this already. I cannot bring myself to smile or to move normally anymore for there’s no use to all of that. Why would I smile if I have no reasons to do it? Why would I even act like I’m normal and fine when I’m really not? This life and I have a feeling that I’d be seeing it in this way forever.

“Oh gosh!” Eon barged in my room, totally shocking me.

“What are you doing here? It’s still so early!” I told him and he pulled me out of bed.

“OH NO!” I shrieked and next thing I know it, I’m standing already.

“What is wrong with you?” I asked and was about to go back to bed when Eon grabbed my arm and dragged me out of my room.

“LET GO!” I keep on removing my arm, but his hold is too tight.

Yes, this is me ing and nobody can’t do anything about it coz once it strikes, it will stay longer than expected.

“Sit there and listen to me” he pushed me down to the couch.

“Eon…it’s still early for your sermon...I’m not even in the mood for any lectures or demands or whatever ” I said and was about to leave but he pushed me back to the couch.

“PLEASE!” I shouted and he sighed heavily.

“I’m telling you Ishi Shin…I will literally throw you out of that big window if you continue giving me that y attitude!” he said while pointing at the big glass window.

“I would love that…we’re on the 8th floor…right? If you’ll throw me out…I’d definitely die for sure” I said and he held me on both shoulders and looked straight into my eyes.

“ISHI…get your head back PLEASE!” he said while shaking me lightly “I know that you’re going through a lot right now…but seeing you ruining your life is a really painful sight” his eyes started tearing up and that’s when my heart felt something.

I actually thought that this heart of mine is not functioning already for no one is making it beat anymore. But it felt pain the moment Eon’s tears started rolling down his cheeks. I hate this! I hate being a burden to others and most especially, I hate it when the people that I love and care about are hurting because of me.

“I know that words cannot even make you feel good…but….this is not the solution to your problems…wanting to die and shutting the whole world isn’t going to take away your pain…in fact…you’re hurting yourself more” he continued and it finally hit me.

“You did something wrong….but it all happened out of consciousness…it’s not like you wanted it to happen….yes…you cannot bring the past back anymore…but you can still change the future…ruining your life will not even help you…it’ll worsen the pain”

“You don’t understand Eon…there’s no reason for me to live anymore…I’m done with this life…this world…the people in it and everything that runs it…I hate me…I hate my life…I hate everybody....I’m totally wrecked and I won’t be fixed anymore” I told him and he cried harder.

I don’t know why I’m not crying. I’m hurting, but it seems like my transparency has been lost already for I’m not even giving any emotions or reactions at all. All this time I sport a straight face that can sometimes be blank. Now I know what heartless people look like.

“Ishi…you need to eat” Eon said while putting food on my plate.

“All you ate yesterday is a piece of bread and that’s it! You didn’t even touch the food that I bought for you last night...look at you! It’s only been days and you’ve lost a lot of weight already” he said and started feeding me.

“Eon…you don’t have to do this…I mean…you’re just giving yourself a hard time…I’m gonna be fine…and thank you for all the things that you have done to me” I told him and he reached for my hand.

“Yaaa…I may just be your manager…but I’m also your brother…we didn’t go out from the same mother...but our innards are tied together already….your fight is mine since day one…so don’t tell me to stop caring for you…coz Ishi…I’ll be beside you all throughout and I’m not talking here” he said and smiled.

What did I do to deserve such good people, when I’m one troublemaker and a certified pain in the ? Oh well, I guess I’ve did something good in my past life.

In the end, Eon was able to make me eat even just a few bites of the franks that he cooked. I don’t know, but my appetite is really low right now. I guess, the impact of this whole thing is much worse than losing all your priced possessions.

“What time are we needed at the filming?” I asked while bumming in bed.

“Actually…you have to prepare already for our call time is in a few hours” he answered and I dragged myself out of bed.

“Do I really have to be there? Can’t he just say goodbye alone?” I asked and Eon chuckled.

“Yah! That would be the weirdest thing that WGM will ever do” he answered and I sighed.

“Eon…how can I even act when I know that things are crappy between us? Not only that…the whole team already knows that we are really married…it’s much harder now than before!” I told him and he sighed.

“Ishi Shin…this filming will be interesting…as a matter of fact…I wasn’t able to sleep last night coz I’m too giddy for it…I can’t wait to see whatever will happen later” he said and I just rolled my eyes.

“Nothing will happen …ah! Do I need to cry while saying goodbye?” I asked and he smirked.

“That’s a no brainer! You can even cry just by hearing his name” he answered and I faked a laugh.

“Truth is…I don’t have tears anymore…the water has run dry already” I said and he hissed.

“Why do I have a feeling that you’ll be breaking down later?” he asked and I looked at him weirdly.

“FYI…I’m not the kind of girl who’ll breakdown in front of a lot of people” I said and he chuckled.

“We never know” he said and sighed.

After an hour of preparations, Eon and I went to the filming site already with my heart beating so fast and nerves all shoot up. I don’t know what to do the moment he stands in front of me. I’m not even sure if I can take being in one room with him.

And I’m back in our apartment once again. The moment Eon pulled up, fans started running towards the car, making it hard for me to go out. This is actually the first time that the fans did this and it really freaked me out. I know that a