"See you there, See you later
I miss you so much but I’ll hold it in"

19 April 2016.

I look at the date on my phone screen.

Then my eyes stop at the message notifications I haven't read since yesterday night. 6 new messages.

Hesitating, my finger freeze just when it's only an inch away from the screen. I don't want to read them but it's not something that I can hide from forever.

So I start to read them.

"Yeah, it’s true, I miss you right now
Strangely, my love keeps growing, oh no
Without knowing, I keep looking out for you
Although sometimes, I think of random things"

First message: It's okay to miss the moments. The love stays.

He is waiting for me under the blossoming tree. I stop my steps, wondering if I'm even ready to be here. Before I can turn around, he notices my presence.

"Ah," he straightens his body and approaches me. A gentle smile is formed on his lips. "You're here. I know you'll come here."

Our eyes meet and he knows that I can't say a single word. He looks up at the tree, "You remember when we all here, right? The fanmeeting with-"

"-with hundreds of fans," I continue his words, remembering the moment vividly. "I remember."

He heaves a soft sigh and pats my head like an older brother, even though he is the youngest among the six, "I will miss that moment. So will you. We can always come to wheverer it is when you miss the moment."

"Let the moment lives forever."

"If only I can turn back time to when we were happy
What can I do?
If I could turn back time, I’d just stay right here
Because if I did, I’d just lose you again"

Second message: Never turn back the time. The happiness and togetherness are real.

A bouquet of roses greets me when I step in the cafe. Hiding his face behind the flowers, I can hear him humming a familiar song.

It's a song that made me cried for two days in a row months ago at the concert. I remember how hard it was for me to take pictures of them because I couldn't control my tears.

"It reminds you of me who cried so hard that even me, the main vocal, couldn't sing, doesn't it?" he shifts the bouquet a little so that we can look at each other. "Do you regret it? Crying because of us?"

He is smiling but I can't even force the simple curve on my face. I shake my head, "No, I don't..."

"Never once in my life I want to turn back the time," he cups my left cheek with his free hand, sending warmth. "Being together with everyone is a moment I will treasure forever."

"What we had is all real."

"I think I learned how to cry on the inside
Even when I think of you so much that I can’t take it, oh no
So even if we meet again, you won’t get blurry with my tears"

Third message: Don't cry. Think of it and smile. Don't cry.

If there is one place where moments are stored for us, it is this recording studio. I find him working behind the laptop, wearing the headphone with his back facing me.

Taking a seat silently, I watch him writing down some notes on paper. When I am wondering if he is really busy and I shouldn't disturb him, he spins his chair and lands his gaze on me.

"You think a lot about us," he takes off his headphone. "But, you know, our music can always bring you back to us, whenever you need it."

I frown, "Even if I will cry because I miss you too much?"

He tilts his head, smiling genuinely, "If you need to cry, it's alright, but remember when you look at our pictures. We want you to enjoy our music."

"So smile for us."

"Just wait a little bit more
Throw away all the images of me giving you a hard time
Only fill yourself up with the images of me loving you
I’ll make you happier than anyone else in the world
So everyone can be jealous of you"

Fourth message: Be happier than anyone else in the world.

The dance practice studio is empty today.

I sit at the corner of room, letting my phone to play a soft song to fill the silence. Closing my eyes, I remember how two of them performed this song and my feeling wavers again.

"Does the song give you a hard time? You look like you're going to cry," a voice asks me. I open up my eyes to find him giving his usual smile. He takes a seat next to me, staring straight into my eyes. "It's been 5 years since this song is released."

I nod, "I like it. Do you still like this song?"

"Of course I do! It's the only song where I perform as a duo with him," he laughs. As he notices that I don't respond, he pokes my nose with his finger. "You know what keep us singing, right?"

"Because we want you to be the happiest."

"Maybe that day will never come
Even if it doesn’t
Although I won’t know ahead of time
Instead of filling up your empty spot with drinks
I like myself as I am right now"

Fifth message: Love the moments we have right now.

I look up at the sign of the building. The blue-colored symbol that has been so familiar for me to remember.

At the front door, he is already waiting for me with hands in pocket. Since I stand still, he takes steps closer to me, greeting me calmly, "Are you ready?"

Instead of giving him an answer, I drop my gaze to the ground. Will I ever be ready? No matter what they say, my heart knows it's not that easy to cope with the sudden separation.

"Hey," he snaps me back to my senses. "I have been the leader since almost seven years now and you know that I will not say things that I shouldn't say but... You see, we've been through so much together and we're happy."

"We'll be happy as long as you promise us that you will, just like how we always did."

"At that place we first met
At that place we used to be happy
Not as the guy you dumped
But as the greatest guy in the world
I’ll wait for you, baby
I’ll love you more, baby
I’ll go first and wait for you
So it won’t take long"

Sixth message: I'll be there at that place. So don't worry.

There he is.

He stands on the stage with pride. I look at him from afar as he looks up at nothing as if he's trying to remember all the things that ever happened here.

"Do you like it?" he suddenly asks. He takes off his cap, "Although it's empty right now, I still can hear the fanchants when I close my eyes."

I clench my fists, afraid that my wall will eventually break down and the tears will overtake my calmness.

"The gray ocean, our names spoken with love and encouragement, the lyrics sung together. They are all so precious," he gives me a sign to join him on stage. "Don't you think so?"

"I don't want you to leave."

Those are the words I tell him once I stand in front of him. Of all other words I can choose, I state that sentence to him like a childish one.

"But I'm not leaving you," he retorts calmly. "I'll always be there at the place you want me to be. Thank you for always being together with me."

"I'm just taking a different flight from the others, but we're still flying up there."

"See you there, See you later
I’ll become a greater man
See you there, See you later
I wanna go to you right now but"

19 April 2016.

I look up at him with tears threatening to fall but I don't let them roll down.

Because this is not a farewell.

As he pulls me for a hug, I smile and tell him the words I have been holding back.

"See you there, Hyunseung."

And he whispers softly to me.

"See you later."

"See you there, See you later
At that place we first met"

* * * * *

This story is based on "At That Place" by BEAST.

for everything, thank you, Hyunseung.

my feelings have been poured in here.