♫ A Bitter Day

"A bitter day"

Both of us remember exactly that day.

It was Friday. The sun had set. It was a peaceful evening.

Until we just let everything slipped away.

"Even though the weather is great, my mood is not

I think you’re teasing me, and I get mad

I struggle because of these situations I can’t handle

The exact opposite of me, the world continues spinning as if nothing happened

You were living just fine

It’s not fair, this is unfair"

I heave a sigh, looking up to the blue sky above. The sun is shining so bright and the weather is just very nice to have an outing. However it's nothing good for me. Really.

Because I'm looking at her, running with little steps to catch the bus which just stopped right in front of me. With her favorite handbag, she rushes inside the bus without even bothering to give me a glance.

She takes a seat at front row while I take the farthest seat from her. I can see her giggling, exchanging greetings with Jihoon and Bomi, but, not even for a second, she gives me her time to look at me.

How could she do this? Is she trying to tell me that she's just fine without me, that her life will just keep going on as if nothing happened, while I am struggling with myself to get rid of this heartbreak? I know I'm not supposed to complaint when I'm the one who caused this but still.

This is not fair.

This is unfair, Yoon Yulshin.

"People who look at me while passing by pity me

Nothing goes right

I missed the place where I was supposed to get off at this morning

Because I suddenly thought of you, I got off at a lonesome station

Because it seemed lonely today of all days, tears just kept falling

I walked for a long time like that

I miss you, who I’ve been only hating, yet again

Because the days, when I was weak with no strength to hold onto you, were so pathetic"

He sits on the back again like always, trying to keep distance from me. Trying my best not to show what I really want, I continue my random discussions with my classmates.

Their eyes are not the same like before. I bet they know that he's there, on the very same bus with me. They are worried if I will cry so they entertain me with whatever they could.

Until they arrive at their stop.

Mine is two stops after them and the same goes for him.

After my friends get off, I plug earphones to my ears and play random songs just to make myself busy. Closing my eyes, ignoring everybody else around me, I don't realize that I have reached the last stop moments later.

I am the last person on the bus. The driver tells me politely and I decide to take off at the last stop, blocks away from the place where I was supposed to get off.

"What a fool...," I murmur, cursing myself for not paying attention of anything. Moreover his face just came across my mind again.

Why didn't he try to tell me that it's where we should take off?

We.

The word sounds so strange for me now.

And for a reason that I don't know, a tear just escapes, rolling down on my face. I'm supposed to wipe it off and just walk back to my place...

...but I don't.

Even after almost two months, my heart still betrays me.

I still miss him yet I hate him so much, especially when I remember how stupid I was to keep clinging on him when we're together.

Now look what happened to me.

"I hate you, Jung Ilhoon," I clench my fists. "I really hate you."

"No matter what I say, it will sound like an excuse

Even if I say that all of this was for you

Because you were too good for me

Because I was uncomfortable as if I were wearing clothes that didn’t match me

You’re beautiful, but you withered away from me

How do you think I felt while looking at that?"

She didn't step out from the bus yesterday. Does she hate me so much now that she wants to avoid me when we were finally on the same bus like how we used to be?

As much as I wanted to step inside and drag her, I know it would make her hate me even more.

So I just turned around, walking away in silence and anger towards myself.

Today she is just as beautiful as always, practicing dance moves on the outdoor field with Namjoo. I just stand as far as possible where I can see her, doing what she loves the best.

"Ilhoon?"

Jihoon notices that I'm watching over her. I was thinking about leaving without a word but he stops me, holding me by shoulder with a serious gaze on eyes, "Talk with her."

"There's nothing we need to talk about," I shrug his hand away, dropping my gaze to the ground. "I'm leaving."

"She loves you, Ilhoon," Jihoon states firmly. "Why did you even break up with her? She- Ilhoon!"

I ignore him, taking steps away, running away from the conversation that I couldn't argue for. Whatever I say would just counted as an excuse anyway for him.

She's too good for me. Too beautiful that I'm afraid I would ruin her one day.

If I kept her with me, what would she become? What should I do except locking the possibilty of that happen before it's too late?

"Yah, Jung Ilhoon," I remind myself. "Everything has its own price."

"We should have just never started

I shouldn’t have looked into your eyes that first time

I thought I would be carefree once I let you go, but that wasn’t the case

My mind understands that we’ve separated

But my heart doesn’t want to accept it"

Six months since we were officially a couple, he started to behave strangely whenever we're together, especially when there were others. It's like he didn't want them to see us together.

I asked him once, twice, thrice, but he kept saying that it's just me being overreacting. I let it slipped away until weeks later when we met up at the backyard of our campus.

I just got a notification letter that my application letter for Dance Division of Juilliard School, a performing arts conservatory in New York City, had been accepted. I would start there on the first week of July, three months after I received the notification letter.

Thinking that I wanted to tell him the good news, I rushed to find him standing under the tree where he asked me to be his girlfriend on my birthday.

He was there but there's no smile on his face.

"We should have just never started," those are the words he chose to give instead of a congratulation. "Let's break up."

The words hits me really hard. He said he didn't feel right at all, being with me. He said it would be so much better if we're not together, so he could be the carefree guy again, like before he knew me, the guy who would do everything he wanted without thinking of anyone and anything.

I wanted to scream at him, refuse to believe that he wanted to end our relationship but what could I do? He was suffering because of me and I just...

My mind understands but my heart doesn't want to accept it.

His words that day would never be forgotten by me.

"Sorry, Yulshin. Farewell."

"Missing you and trying to erase you, it repeats every day

I’ll be the one to take all the pain

I’d like it if you were just happy

So that the choice I make now doesn’t go to waste

So that I don’t regret it

I’ll always pray for you"

How does it feel when you're so in love with someone but the other people just hate you? Would you just stay or would you leave because of them?

I would stay. I really would stay. So it's not the reason why I chose to break up with her. It's not because her parents dislike me. It's not because her older brother despises me. It's not because those random students spread gossips that I was nothing compared to her.

It's not them. It's just me.

She's different. She's special. She didn't care how rude I was towards her when I refused to join the Music Festival. Actually she persuaded me with everything she could, even waiting for me under the heavy rain until midnight.

And that's what I would do for her. I would do everything to make her happy. Even if it means I should leave her side.

I'll take all the pain if she could be happy. If she's happy, then my decision is right.

Even though I keep missing her, trying to forget our love, repeating the thought every day, I would do them for her.

If only she knows how much I want to say this to her.

Please, Yulshin, hate me and just be happy.

"You said we’d be together forever

In the end, we’re the same as others"

He's not the best guy out there. I knew that even before my friends told me. He was infamous for being the troublemaker even though his score was fantastic. However, it's his voice that made me attracted to him first.

I heard him rapping to himself during our way back on a bus. I didn't know who he was at the time but, even though he didn't notice that I was listening to him, he kept rapping while listening to the music by himself.

Ignoring how harsh his words were, I kept bugging him until he finally agreed to join the Music Festival, telling me that he actually wanted to become a professional rapper but thought it was impossible.

Slowly but sure, we got even more closer than just friends. I fell for him and, no matter what others said, he's just perfect for me.

Yet, now, everything is like a dream. We're just like strangers.

Together forever is just a fairytale.

In the very end, Jung Ilhoon and Yoon Yulshin are not together.

"It’ll be forgotten little by little

When time passes, I’ll be able to smile and reminisce

Instead of that common saying that time heals everything

Tell me something that actually works

You can receive so much more love than what you got from me

You’re as beautiful as ever"

Time doesn't heal everything. It still leaves the scar somehow. I know it for sure.

Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, but I keep torturing myself with the thought of returning back to my old self.

I want to be a professional rapper but I don't have enough ambition. Unlike her who shows her passion to the world, challenging herself to the top of everything.

I was extremely happy to know that she would get the chance to study overseas but the pieces of happiness collided when I heard what the lecturers said about her. About us.

"She is definitely the best student to be chosen but, you know, she once said that she would ask her boyfriend first."

"Her boyfriend? You mean Jung Ilhoon? Oh my, what a silly girl. She would never be a better dancer if they stick together. That boy has no intention of a better future."

"I agree. He is just a non-experienced gardener, trying to take care of a high quality rose. Such a pity. Perhaps we should think of another name for the candidate."

At first I didn't put it in thought for long but rumors spread with no time. I never let them grasped me before but, this one, just tangled me totally. I was torn inside.

She didn't give a damn about the rumor, kept showering me with love. It was when she said that she would even throw the chance of going to Juilliard, the place of her dream, for me.

I knew she was joking but it enraged me somehow. It got us to our very first fight. She cried and I apologized. I thought it would just slip away but it didn't.

In fact my mind became a mess. I started to draw distance with her. I kept blaming myself whenever she randomly wondered why the lecturers had not called her back for the application.

She could receive so much more but I was probably the one who tied her. They're right. I never thought of the future. I just lived like what I wanted to. I...

I just want her to stay beautiful under the brightest spotlight that she deserves.

"It will all get erased like this

It will all be forgotten someday"

The graduation day.

I am in New York. Faraway from Seoul. Faraway from him. Perhaps it will make my heart to be far from the heartbreaking memories of us as well.

Our memories will be just nothing but the unwanted past. I will forget him someday, the way he will definitely forget me too. Maybe it's not now but, someday, it will.

It will all be forgotten someday.

"I might smile when the time comes

But I guess I can’t help it right now"

The graduation day.

She's not here. She's in New York, continuing her study like what she's always dreaming of. I don't care about the ceremony anyway.

I just sit down under the tree, which has became a witness of my confession towards her, our break up moment, and the only deaf and mute listener of my true intention.

"It's almost two years now. Are you alright? You should be. Have you forgotten me? You should have. But I haven't, Yulshin. Will I ever be able to forget you one day?"

I cross my hands, putting them on my knees. I rest my forehead against them, clenching my fists tightly.

"I will smile if that day comes...," I mutter to no one. "I will but, sorry, I just can't help it right now..."

Then, for the first time after I broke up with her, I cry.

"I can't do anything

Even though I’m sad because I’m thinking of you again right now

Even though it will be difficult, I’ll keep trying to erase you"

"Back to your hometown, eh, Yulshin?" Kevin, my dance team leader, teases me with a wide grin. "Anyone special you want to meet, eh?"

I just give a smile, not knowing what to say. I returned to Seoul at least two times a year but I never let myself to find him. Sadness haunted me and I kept trying to forget him from my mind.

And, here I am now, back to Seoul after becoming the permanent member of the famous dance team. We are recruited by an entertainment agency to become the official dance crews.

Our first project is to be the best companion of a new idol group consists of seven members. I haven't received the whole information yet but we will be introduced directly to the members.

When I enter the dance practice room, there are only six guys, practicing randomly to the song. They immediately stop when I enter with the rest of dance crews.

"Seo Eunkwang," the oldest member of seven introduces himself. "Ah, we're short of one member. He just went outside. He should be back soon. Our main rapper is just a troublemaker."

Main rapper?

We turn around due to the opened door. A guy steps inside with a can of cola in his hand. He pulls down his hood and, I don't know how, his eyes just meet mine first.

"Ah, there he is!" Eunkwang exclaims. "Yo, Ilhoon!"

After three years, we finally meet again.

We have changed a little but, just through the eyes, I know that there's one thing that hasn't changed about us.

We still remember the bitter day.