♫ Look At Me Now

"Baby, look at me now, look at me now"

"Yoseob, can I ask you something?"

I dare myself to ask him the question I have been holding back for months already.

No. It's been years already. 2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, 4 days, to be exact.

I wonder about the reason why I remember the day when I realized why I started to see him in different light. Is it because of my amazing memory that I can recall almost everything I see or is it just because of him?

"Sure," he responds with a smile, still with his finger on the camera, checking the picture he took this week. "What is it, Sora?"

As usual. He doesn't even bother to look up from his camera and look at me.

I really don't understand why I fall in love with this person.

"Can you please look at me now?"

"The moon that shines on me brighter tonight (Alright)
I wear the sweet scent all over my body
I’m waiting for you, candle light (So nice)
It resembles my heart, it’s burning up"

I saw him for the first time during my very first fansigning event. I just debuted a month ago as an idol and, there he was, standing with a camera in his hand.

He wasn't standing in the queue line for my signature. He just stood metres away, taking pictures and, once in a while, he would look at the results and smiled warmly.

It was his smile that won my full attention.

"Can I take a picture of you?"

That's his first line he said to me. Apparently he's a professional photographer and he got an offer from my company to work along with me. Marketing strategy, my manager told me.

His name was Yang Yoseob. He was older than me by almost two years. His hobby was, of course, photography. He also loved to read books during his free time.

Yoseob was a very good listener. I wasn't an extrovert, meaning I didn't talk much either but, for an unknown reason, when I was with him, it's like he could make me talk about almost everything.

"You look beautiful tonight, Sora."

That sincere compliment from him made my world to spin a little bit faster. It's on my first anniversary party since my debut. I wore a white gown and, without any hesitation, he told me that when he saw me.

Little did he know that I even used a new perfume with rose scent because he once said he liked roses...

...and little did I know that my heart was already burnt for the love I felt for him.

"Between us is the wall of friendship
But by tomorrow all the snow would have melted it away
Holding your hand, holding you in my embrace
I want to sing for you all night"

As an idol, living a normal life wasn't as easy as I imagined.

Busy schedule, avoiding scandal, lack of sleep, being a good role model. Everything was on my to-do-list.

"You look tired," Yoseob commented, checking every picture of me he took with his camera. He's in the middle of selecting the pictures he should pick for my photobook. "It must be hard on you, Sora."

I liked it when he held the camera. I liked it when I knew he's taking pictures of me. I liked it when he smiled while looking at my photos. I liked it when he said I looked perfect for the photoshoot.

Yet I couldn't remember him telling me so while looking at me.

"Can I ask you something?" I tried to ignore the doubt I felt in heart, too curious for knowing how he actually saw me. "Promise me to be honest."

"Of course," Yoseob replied calmly. "Why would I lie to my best friend?"

Best friend?

Was that how he pictured me? Was that all?

"What is it that you want to ask, Sora?" he looked at me but, that time, it was me who looked away. I didn't want him to see how tears started to well up.

My world shook somehow, knowing that I had been holding for one-sided love all this time.

How could I melt his heart like the other guys who tried everything to get closer to me? Of all men around me, I only wanted to sing for him...

...but he didn't look at me the same way I did at him.

"Don’t look too far, there is a person now
Who wants you like perfectly fitting clothes and that person is me"

Day by day, week by week, month by month, although I tried to avoid Yoseob, I just couldn't.

First of all, I was a professional and how could I walk away from him whenever we needed to work together? Besides he kept treating me like usual, being the sweet and caring Yoseob he always was.

"Thank you very much, Sora," he thanked me when I decided to give him a box of chocolate on Valentine's Day. It took me a month to decide it but I gave him anyway. "I can't ask for a sweeter Valentine's gift!"

I bit my bottom lip, feeling that my heart beat faster because of his genuine smile, "Is there anything you expect on Valentine's Day?"

He put a finger under his chin, frowning to think of an answer, "Hmm... I don't think so. As long as I have someone to share the day with, it's perfect."

How could I tell him that it's the exact thing I had in mind? He didn't need to look too far. There was a person who wanted him already, to share the Valentine's Day with.

It's me.

"As for now...," Yoseob took his camera and snapped a picture of my chocolate, "...it's a perfect night already."

If only he looked at me while saying so, it could be even more perfect.

"The cold wind that blows just right (Alright)
It will probably make you even lonelier today
My lips from blowing balloons all night (Oh ma)
Like my heart, it puffs up"

"Happy birthday, Sora!" Yoseob clicked on the button of his camera, taking a picture of me with the birthday cake he prepared for me. "Once again. Smile!"

It was a cold night but we were at my apartment during midnight. He gave me a little surprise since he needed to leave the city in the morning for another project.

A best friend should do his best, he said. It didn't make me feel any better actually. It made me felt even lonelier, remembering that he just saw me as a best friend.

Why couldn't I just erase this feeling I had for him?

"What is it?" I asked him when he smiled, looking at his camera.

He shook his head gently, "Nothing. I just wonder why your smile always looks somewhat different compared to the smile you show on photoshoot."

Because I smiled for you.

Why couldn't you understand it?

"I’m gonna give you what you need
If you want it, I will get you anything
Hold on to my hand, hold me in your arms
Sing to me all night"

Finally.

He looks at me in the eyes.

"Yes?" Yoseob gives me his angelic smile, putting down the camera on table. "It's the first time you asked me that. What is it, Sora?"

Suddenly all the words I wanted to say just disappeared to nowhere. I open my mouth, close it again, and open it to say nothing.

Out of my control, I look away. What is wrong with me really?

Don't I want him to look at me like what he did just now? Now that he already looked at me, why do I look away?

"I don't understand...," I murmur, still avoiding eye contact with him. "I don't understand myself when I'm near with you."

"I want you to smile at me. I want you to tell me everything. I want you to see me like how I see you. I want what I never want from other men. I want-"

I shut my mouth, realizing that I just blurt out the most random statements I ever did. Did I just sound like a spoiled brat? Something is definitely wrong with me.

Silence.

Awkward silence.

Before I can say another word, Yoseob suddenly reaches out his hand to touch mine. I flinch a little when he intertwines our fingers together.

"Now that I remember, I haven't asked for my birthday present," he says. "Can you hold on to my hand while giving me a present, Sora?"

"Look at me now."

"Now I have nothing more to give to you
You already took away all of me"

Slowly, I turn my head around, facing Yoseob who doesn't wipe away his smile. He takes a step closer to me, holding my hand gently, "You don't know how long I've been waiting for this time."

"For you to look at me like this. For me to hold your hand. For me to stand this close to you as a man. For you to tell me what you really feel."

He plants a kiss on my forehead, whispering softly, "You already take away my everything, Sora."

"I needed time to gather my courage just to look at you. You always shine so bright that I'm afraid I would take away your light. When you looked away from me, I thought you just treated me as professional. I tried my best so, at least, you'd treat me like a best friend."

"You never said much when we're with the others but I always love the moments when we're alone. You tell me everything except what you really feel and why you always look away when I try to look at you."

"I made a vow for myself," Yoseob lifts up my chin with his finger, making our eyes to meet. "When we finally look at each other like this, I'll tell you this."