♫ Missing You

"There's no need for you to disappear

But it's not like you'll come back anyway"

Please. Be there for me.

It's all I want.

Is it you?

"I guess I mistook her for you

Because the back of her looked like you

When I see her, I keep thinking of you

Your smile flickers before me"

Forty nine days have passed and that's when I see her.

My best friend dragged me here as his attempt to cheer me up after weeks of gloomy days. It's futile. There's nothing could return the warmth I once had.

Not anymore.

And there she is, sitting with her back facing me. Her long black hair covers her back. She has a beautiful smile on her face while exchanging jokes with her friend, which happens to be my best friend's new girlfriend.

"This is Lee Byunghun, my best friend," my best friend introduces me to both of the girls. "He goes with 'Joe' as his nickname."

My attention is locked on the girl who reminds me of you. She introduces her name, Cho Sunyeon, a nineteen-year-old college student who takes modern art as her major.

Just like you.

"The way you talk that made me laugh

The perfume I gave to you

If I make her exactly like you and love her

Will I be able to forget you?"

"Byunghun?" Sunyeon calls my name sweetly. She tilts her head, giving me a cute smile that reminds me even more about you. "What is it? Looks like you have something in mind."

Today is her twentieth birthday. I come to her apartment, giving her a simple surprise with strawberry shortcake, your favorite cake. My best friend helped me to be alone with Sunyeon and I know perfectly why he did it for me.

He probably thought it's the perfect chance for me to move on from the past.

It's been a month since the first time I met Sunyeon and her smile eventually enchanted me somehow; it's so strange how she could remind me of you.

"Happy birthday," I smile and hand her a birthday present, wrapped in blue, your favorite color. "I hope you like it."

Sunyeon's face beams as she thanks me. She opens it to reveal a bottle of perfume, the exactly same one I gave to you on our first anniversary, the one you always used when we went out together.

"Thank you, Byunghun!" Sunyeon hugs me with excitement. She quickly pulls away with blushed cheeks, "A-Ah, I-I-I'm sorry! I just- I'm sorry, Byunghun, I didn't mea-"

I lean in to press my lips on hers. I close my eyes as memories of the past when I kissed you cross my mind.

Maybe I can forget you if I love Sunyeon.

"Because of my guilt over this crash of emotions

I can't look at you straight in the eyes

Even if I avoid your eyes, it's obvious

That you'll notice right away so I hurry and replace my eyes with truth-less eyes

I see her in you

I hate myself for being like this too but I can't help it"

I open my eyes and realize that I'm sleeping side by side with Sunyeon. I came to her apartment after a really tiring day of preparing the annual festival. Looks like she fell asleep next to me while holding my hand.

Glancing at her sleeping face, I feel guilty, just like what has happened to me for the past days whenever Sunyeon looks at me with her innocent eyes.

No matter how many times I avoid her questioning gaze, I know she notices that I'm hiding something from her.

But how can I tell her that she reminds me of you and nothing more?

I hate myself so much for being like this...

...but I can't help it.

"I still want her and not you

My love changes once again but it's not the right time yet

You met me and you loved me

But there's no truth in our love

The head is there but the heart isn't

Our relationship is like a donut without the jelly inside"

"Byunghun," Sunyeon calls me, snapping back to my senses. She rests her back against the wall while I'm pouring a cup of coffee for her.

"I told you to call me Joe, Sun," I mutter without bothering to look at her; you preferred to call me with my nickname. "What is it?"

Silence fills the air for seconds before she asks a question that I don't want her to ask since we started a relationship five weeks ago, "Who is in your mind right now?"

I almost drop the cup but I just keep silence as my defense. Slowly I lift my head to look at her in the eyes; she looks back at me with sadness, a look that I hate to see.

"What are you talking about?" I try to shrug away the awkward atmosphere. "You must be really tired. Here, have a cup of coffee first."

Sunyeon looks at the cup for seconds before taking it away and heaves a sigh, "You know that I don't like coffee, Byunghun..."

That's when a harsh reality strikes me: my head is here but my heart isn't.

This whole relationship is just nothing but a drama. Even though Sunyeon loves me but I don't feel the same for her.

What am I doing really?

"You still don't know

You can have my body but you can't have my heart

Our love song ain't got no soul

It's so cold, I give up, I'm sorry

Please understand me for not being able to say I love you, I'm sorry"

It's almost midnight when I just returned from releasing my stress by dancing at the college practice room. Everything is falling out of the pieces and I can barely smile lately.

"Sun?" my eyes widen in shock when I see Sunyeon standing in front of my apartment building. She is trembling due to coldness and her face is really pale. "What are you doing here?! Come on, let's go insi-"

She shakes her head and shrug my hand away, "I... Can I ask something, Byunghun?"

Afraid that she might collapse, I immediately answer, "Yes, of course. Anything. We can talk inside, okay?"

"Can you...," Sunyeon looks straight at me. "Please tell me that you love me."

It feels like someone just locks my lips with imaginary lock. I can't say it. I can't say the words I don't feel for her.

I know why she suddenly asks me this question. I become distant with her ever since she noticed all the signs that I always treat her like someone else.

Like you.

"You can't do it, right?" Sunyeon smiles bitterly and drops her gaze. "I knew it."

She walks pass me after whispering the words with tremble voice; I don't know if it's because of the cold or because she is holding back her tears.

"I'm sorry, Byunghun."

"Every time I miss you, I want to find her

I know I'm selfish but what can I do?

Every time I miss your scent, I want to be hugged by her

I know I'm selfish but what can I do?"

Our picture at the amusement park is still set as my phone wallpaper. Sunyeon never intrudes my privacy by checking my phone. She doesn't bother to ask my past or demands me to answer all her answer.

She is a really nice girl.

I raise my hand and knock the door thrice, waiting for Sunyeon to open it for me. For an unknown reason, I actually have a faith that she will not avoid me even after the conversation we had last week.

And I'm right.

"Byunghun?" Sunyeon doesn't hide her surprise when she sees me but she gives me a small smile. "Can I help you?"

I take a step forward and hug her tight. She flinches slightly but doesn't push me away. I inhale her scent and kiss her hair in silence.

How selfish I am to come here all of a sudden just because I miss you. I miss you so much that I know coming to Sunyeon will ease this feeling somehow.

But, tell me, what can I do?

"She can't be the same as you because I'll keep thinking about you

But I still can't help it, it's too hard being on my own

Without you, I want to die"

"Here," Sunyeon gives me a glass of hot chocolate. She sits next to me, still having the genuine smile on her face. "Drink it. It will make you feel better."

She is not the same with you. You never prepared chocolate for me. You would just hug me and say that you would always stay with me. How could I love her back when I always think about you all the time.

But I can't think of anything else. I feel like I could die if I'm all by myself; I felt it during the forty nine days before I met Sunyeon.

"Do you know why I apologized to you, Byunghun?" she breaks the ice, looking at me and, as usual, without demanding tone.

"Because...," I frown and blurt out whatever I have in mind, "...I didn't say I love you?"

Sunyeon chuckles softly and shakes her head, "I know you can't tell me that you love me when you don't feel like one."

Her words make my heart beats faster. What does she mean?

"It's the one-hundredth-days since her death, isn't it?"

"Because she's not you

I guess I wanted to make her into you

Because I miss you

I guess I wanted to make her resemble you more"

I felt like the world had collapsed when I got the news, when the doctor told me and your parents that you lost too much blood on your way to hospital after the terrible car crash accident.

It's not possible, I thought. We were so happy. We just celebrated our second anniversarry and then you're gone. You left me with only half of my heart so how could I go on with my life?

Then I met Sunyeon, the one who reminds me with you, the one I want to make her exactly like you, the one that can resemble you more than other girls.

"I knew about you, Byunghun. More than you think I might know," Sunyeon clenches her fists. "Besides, I'm her cousin. I was there on her funeral ceremony but, of course, you would never notice me."

What?

"I saw you. Your sadness. Your grief. I... I wanted to meet you, to know you, to help my cousin's beloved one... But I never thought I would fall for you," a tear escapes her eyes. "And I never thought it would hurt so bad to know you never see me as myself."

She knew it all along.

That I only see you in her. That I only love the side of her which reminds me of you. That I never want a real relationship with her. That I just want you and not her.

That I just want her because she reminds me of you.

"Just one more night, just one more night

I want to find you in her

I'm really sorry, I'm really sorry

I hope she can replace you"

"I thought just one more day...," Sunyeon wipes her tears, forcing herself to talk. "Just one more night and let him to understand, to remember that she would never come back again... But all I found that you just want her back..."

As if I can't control myself, tears start to roll down on my cheeks. Is it because she just spoke out what my heart feels or is it because she just confessed how hurt she is because of me?

She stops and stares at the floor, not able to say another word. She grips her shirt as if she wants to rip out her heart, "I'm sorry that I can't be her..."

"I...," I walk to her and reach out my hand to touch her wet cheek. "I'm sorry..."

I'm sorry that I still hope she can replace you.

"Even if she can replace you

Even if there is someone who can replace you

That person can't be you"

I just sit there on her bed, watching Sunyeon who fell asleep after crying for hours. I slip out my hand of hers and stand up, heading out from her apartment.

Before I close the door, I stop and look back to where she is sleeping. Her warmth still lingers but it's not enough to make me love her like how I love you.

Her tears tell everything.

She knows that she will never, ever can replace you. She knows that I will never love her. She knows that this will be the last night I come to her apartment.

Because no one can ever replace your place in my heart.

No one can stop me from missing you.

Because that person can't be you.