Disclaimer: The last time I checked, characters are not mine. That would be bad for their health. Chapter title came from Snow Patrol's song Somewhere a Clock is Ticking

Despite the pain and the choking feeling, Donghae realized at once what happened. He had tried to kill himself through a lethal overdose of crushed OxyContin, and someone had arrived in time to save him. It could have been one of the Suju members, their manager, someone delivering something one of the members had ordered. The fact is he had survived, and now hovering between life and death in a hospital.

--

Flashback [Super Junior's dormitory. Thursday 4:30am, September 2006]

It was the fourth time Donghae woke up before everyone else. He was in the kitchen, preparing breakfast while humming a soft tune for himself. 

"Smells great." a voice said, he turned around, it was Leeteuk hyung. His dimples were in a showing-off mood, even for that early in the morning. "What are you making?"

"Pancakes." Donghae said with a childish grin. He placed one pancake over the enormous pile in the table. "Go sit and eat, hyung. You have a schedule for this morning right? And you're not going anywhere without breakfast."

The older obliged, glad that the group's fishy was on the road to recovery. He couldn't deny that there were moments in the past that he feared that Donghae was sure to lose his head. Thankfully, that wasn't seem to be the case.

One by one, the sleepy members woke up to prepare for the day. Probably some were awaken by the sweet inviting smell of their breakfast. The past few mornings had been similar to that morning. It was like waking up to discover that it was the first day of a very long holiday. Everybody rounded to the table and ate heartily to their heart's content.

Yesung was the last one to wake up. Most likely he spent the previous night watching the members sleeping again. Nobody really questions it, though most find it strange.

--

Leeteuk, Heechul, Hangeng, Kangin, Yesung and Shindong made a beeline for the van after breakfast. They have the earliest schedules for the day. The rest of the members have schedules for late morning for some variety show recording.

The trip was mostly filled in silence since it was still rather early. Either that or everyone in the van were buried in deep thoughts. It was Yesung who first spoke.

"What do you think of Donghae?" he asked hesitantly to no-one in particular.

--

Flashback [ Super Junior's dormitory. Thursday 3:35pm, September 2006]

Siwon's, Kibum's, Ryeowook's and Kyuhyun's schedules wrapped up for the day.

But before they went home, they decided to stop in the market to buy ingredients for a small celebratory party. They went a little overboard with the shopping since they ended up buying quite enough to feed a small third world country. But no matter, they thought, they were just glad that the group's resident fishy was okay again.

They entered the dorm making as little noise as possible. They knew that Donghae's schedule ended earlier than theirs --he must be in his room sleeping. The four members wanted the party to be a surprise.

Siwon and Ryeowook worked in the kitchen communicating only through hand gestures, while Kibum and Kyuhyun went on with the decorations.

It was like Christmas, New Year, and Birthdays, all rolled into one. Each of the members determined to make Donghae feel he is love and he was never alone even in the time that he pushed everyone away.

--

Flashback [ Lee's residence, Mokpo. Thursday 4:10pm, September 2006]

Donghwa visited his umma for the second time that week. Since his own apartment is really close from their home, he made it a point to visit his mother as often as he could, especially now that his umma is all alone in that once happy haven.

He hasn't spoken to Donghae since the dongsaeng went back to Seoul. Aside from the occasional text messages, his brother hasn't said a word to him. For some reason too, Donghwa couldn't bring himself to initiate a talk with his younger brother. In his mind, he was scared that any contact with the younger would spark another bout of dysphoria. 

Occasionally, however, he would check on Jung-Su to ask about Donghae.

The house was dark and empty when he arrived. But a short note on the coffee table, written in neat but hurried scrawl, explained that his umma just went to the local chapel to pray.

She's been doing that a lot, these past few days, Donghwa thought. He wondered what brought the sudden unexplainable urge of his umma to be too spiritual in the past week. He thought, just maybe, Siwon has been calling his umma to strengthen her faith in the doleful period of her life.  

Donghwa wandered around the house and somehow, he ended up in Donghae's room. He the light and he was greeted by the melancholy atmosphere of the room. The week after his father's funeral replayed on his mind like an endless refrain --images of downcast Donghae filled his eyes. 

On the floor, he noticed the fragments of beagle figurine that Donghae broke in the second day of his father's wake. Donghwa and their umma couldn't seem to find the courage to throw the pieces away --it was appa's gift after all. 

Suddenly, Donghwa had a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. Like when you're swimming and you want to put your feet down on something solid, but the water's deeper than you think and there's nothing there. That kind of doomed feeling.

Still, he contented himself to stare at the broken glass, unable to make ends of that horrible knot forming in his stomach.

He reached for his phone and dialled the number he knew so well.

--

Flashback [Super Junior's dormitory. Thursday 4:30pm, September 2006]

He did not stop to take a breath.

Eunhyuk ran as fast as humanly possible that everything around him slowly faded into a blur. Either that, or he was just tearing up uncontrollably on his way to the dorm.

He did not bothered flagging down a cab since he knew it would be exponentially slower with the traffic at this hour. He ignored the various 'watch it, punk's' , 'hey's' and curious glances he was collecting as he sprinted with all his might from the SM building to their dormitory. 

Seven minutes ago, he was rehearsing for a dance routine in one of the SM practice rooms. He was alone in that room since Shindong, Leeteuk and Sungmin were off to another schedule, probably a variety show guesting; while he decided to practice some more. He was so preoccupied that he failed to hear his phone ringing.

Only then after he finished the second round of dance routine that he finally decided to rest and check out his phone for any messages.

There was only one though --from Donghae.

Smiling slightly to himself, Eunhyuk opened the voicemail excitedly expecting that his fishy bestfriend was calling for a late afternoon strawberry ice cream treat or a sunset stroll in the Han river --things both of them enjoyed in the past few days, when Donghae seemed to recover from his depressive lethargic trance.

"Yoboseo? When you get this, it's probably too late so please don't do anything. And yeah, it's me your favorite fish. I, uh, I don;'t want to hurt you or anyone. I don't want to keep hurting you. Especially you. So please just forget about me. Just try. Find yourself a better bestfriend."

He did not believe it. He would not believe it. He listened to the message twice more, unwilling for the words to sink in. He was half-praying for all those words to be just an evil joke. The other half of him, though, felt the bittertaste of truthfulness in Donghae's voice.

He sounded so calm and resigned. Almost as if he was reading from a pre-made script that he wrote himself. Eunhyuk could almost imagine Donghae speaking on the phone --emotionless and composed-- far from the giddy fishy that prepared their breakfast for days in a row.

But Donghae was better... his inner voice retaliated. He tried calling him again but Donghae's phone was turned off. Tears were now streaming freely on his defined cheekbones but he still wouldn't give up. He tried calling the group's leader but he was shaking too much. He dropped his phone and it broke into several irrepairable pieces.

--

He was close to passing out when he reached the door. His lips were turning into a violent shade of lavender from fear and exhaustion, his whole body was covered in thin layer of shiny moist as if he just got out from the shower, and if his muscles could talk he was sure that every working fiber of him was cursing him to hell. He punched in the key code furiously with shaking hand. I'm going to make it... I need to make it... Please God, what I wouldn't give for everything to be just a joke... 

"DONGHAE!!" he bellowed to the dorm, oblivious to the four shocked faces of the members who were silently working in the dorm when he came barging in. Eunhyuk's shiny skin from sweat, tear-strained cheeks and his messy hair from too much frustration gave the four youngest members quite a fright. It was pitiful and frightening, to say the least. 'WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS HE!?! DONGHAE!?!" he screamed, still frantically as he sped up to fishy's room.

The other four followed, confusion and anxiety were drawn on their faces. No one expected what they would find inside.

I'm sorry for the very long chapter. I just felt that Donghae's transformation needed a bit of explaining to do...^^ I was told to steer clear of any angsty/sad fics (see my blog entry for reference) but i couldn't resist updating this.. kekeke

Aaand I'm also sorry for the errors. I didn't actually proofread this one so yeah, I'm sorry for the headaches it might cause you... >.<

Anyhow, hope to hear your thoughts :D

PS. Thanks to those who subscribed and commented. You have no idea how that lifted up my spirits.  Gomawo :*