Disclaimer:  Characters are not mine. But they can own me if they want to. 

"Please don't die." Ryeowook told Donghae directly, yet softly with honest sincerity. "Because you know what, you're like a real brother to me," he admitted solemnly, "except we look nothing alike and your version of brotherly advice is how to get girls." he continued, intending to make a light-hearted joke. A very awkward silence hovered when he didn't get a reply from his hyung.

The helium on the balloons already leaked so the nurses or the members removed all those from the private room. But the banners, cards and the pictures remained so the festive-depressing air was still present. Donghae wondered how long exactly was he staying in the hospital.

It was late afternoon, as far as he could tell from the color of the sky through the solitary window, and Hyukjae just left for a scheduled rap lesson. Fishy really feel bad because their parting was not at all nice; they ended their conversation with tearful words and heavy hearts.

"They're still pretty, you know." Ryeowook muttered quietly when Donghae failed to answer. "The flowers, I mean. I picked them up myself." Fishy half-glanced to the flowers in question. It's true, he had to admit, they're pretty. A little dried on the edges, but still pretty. Unfortunately, he wasn't such a big fan of anything pretty at the moment. He felt grumpy and irate. It was taking all his self-control not to burst into a yelling fit. It wasn't poor Wookie's fault, he told himself for what seemed like a hundredth time.

"I know you'd like to be alone but..." the younger hesitated. He was tweedling his thumbs and his eyes kept on darting from side to side-- tell-tale signs when he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing. "but manager hyung and Donghwa hyung said that you cannot be alone at any given time. And everyone else has some schedule to do except me, so you're stuck with me." he trailed off, his tone has a hint of unmistakable apology in it.

Donghae sighed. He felt that he should be the one feeling sorry, not for himself, but for everyone else. He meant for everything to become better. He knew that if he died, people will cry, mourn and eventually move on. He didn't mean for all these to happen --he actually tried his best to spare his love ones all the unnecessary sufferings.

"Hyung?" Ryeowook started again. Donghae didn't respond but he nodded his head slightly, indicating that he was listening. "Did you... did you really want to die?"

"No," he replied evenly without looking at his dongseang. "I don't think anyone commits suicide because they wanted to die."

"But why did they do it?"

"Because they want to stop the pain." he answered after a long pause. That was the sincere truth, according to Hae. It all boils down to the suffocating pain. If he was going to be more honest with himself, he knew that he doesn't really want to die, because dying means leaving and he doesn't want to go. Yet. Not before his time. Unfortunately, the pain was so blinding that all rational thoughts all went down to drain.

"That's what I thought." Ryeowook grumbled to himself, intending for the statement not to be heard by his hyung.

Donghae's head snapped back to their eternal maknae. What does he know? "You've thought of s------?"

"I think everyone has, at least at some point in their lives." 

Fishy could only stare at his dongseang as if words already failed him. Ryeowook, their precious eternal maknae, have been hurt before. He was hurt so much that he thought death would be a more acceptable consequence. Yesung hyung, Yesung hyung's friend, and Ryeowook, they've been through this labyrinth before.

"I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable." Wookie whispered suddenly. "Don't worry, Sungmin hyung is coming, any minute now. I'll go to the dorms as soon as they come."

"You're not making me uncomfortable." Donghae countered, feeling some sort of panic in his chest.  "I like you here. Please stay." He scolded himself mentally. No one deserved to be guilty, except him.

"Okay," Ryeowook smiled brightly, as if Hae's words were a sort of tangible gold medal or something "Go to sleep now, I'll stay here. I'm not going anywhere."

Donghae closed his eyes, a memory of the younger's smile implanted on his thoughts. Then suddenly, "Hyung?"

"Hmmm?" 

"You're appa was a good man, I'm sure he's playing poker with God now."

--

The sky was already a color of a painful bruise by the time that Donghae opened his eyes. The peaceful sleeping figure of Wookie was the first thing he saw. I'll stay here, I'm not going anywhere, Donghae smiled at the memory.

"How are you feeling?" Donghae did not notice the person occupying the chair that Ryeowook was sitting earlier. It was Sungmin "Yes, I know. That kid hasn't slept well lately. I did not notice it before but he was so light. When I carried him there, to that little couch, I felt like I'm carrying a little girl. But don't tell him that, I'm sure he'll throw a fit and he won't cook for us anymore." he sniggered a little.

"I don't think I could still worry about Wookie's cooking anymore, at my state." Donghae said "I'm not sure I'll be around when that time comes."

Heavy silence enveloped the two. The silence was almost tangible that the only sound came from Wookie's even breathing. The hospital halls that were normally filled with hospital noise also seemed to tone down that very minute.

"Miracles happen. It happens all the time." Sungmin muttered suddenly after a very long pause. "People getting cured from terminal cancer. Patients waking up after a coma." he sighed, unsure how to go on. He sounded a bit desperate, like he was grasping straws with every word. "You'll be fine. You'll be bette-" 

"But I'm not going to be better." Donghae said angrily "The fact that I'm going to die any minute, the fact that I feel guilty because I should have done m--------"

"Facts are just pitiful consequences." Sungmin snapped back, raising his voice a little, all traces of aegyo bunny evaporated "Your guilt does not reside in your acts but in your intention. Intentions that give rise to your act. Everything turns on the intentions.

"Hae, stop punishing yourself." Minnie said afterwards, slightly calmer "I know why you did this and I could only imagine what you're going through right now but please pull yourself together. This thing will end----"

"But this is not how I wanted it to end." a single tear rolled in the corner of Donghae's eye. He turned to his side, his back facing Sungmin. He tried to tone down his sobs but he was failing every second.

Sungmin tried to continue the conversation, but Donghae pretended to be asleep. It did not take long before Hae heard a pair of heavy footsteps as Minnie dragged himself away from the room. 

Donghae tried to name which of the deadly seven might apply, and when he failed he decided to append an eighth, regret.

I had so much fun writing Ryeowook! I should have done it sooner. :D But my brain said, "Bleh! You can't even write Yesung's thoughts right." 

Shamelss advert again: Please check out this fic, A Hazy Shade of Winter. It's kinda different from everything I've written so far. Aaand no, it's not related to Fifty Shades of Gray. That's ... I can't even write even if my life depended on it.  And this little fic, i asked you to check last time, Everyday is a Sunday evening. It's a two-shot now. :D

PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME AND MOCHI!~ SARANGHAE MY KPOP TWIN!~ 

You're so gyeopta. If I ever see you, I'm going to cuddle the hell out of you. 

Seriously tho, we're born on the same day but what the hellicopter... i swear i don't look this young.

Okay. I don't look 23 too but still...

sorry for all the rant and very long a/n... it's not everyday that mochi and I turn 23. (or 24 in korean age)

Gaaah! I'm old.