When he was a child, all of Donghae's problems had ended with a single word from his appa. A smile from him was sunshine, his scowl a bolt of thunder. He was smart, and generous, and honorable without fail. He could exile a trespasser, check his math homework, and fix the leaky bathroom sink, all before dinner. For the longest time, he thought he was invincible. Above the petty problems that plagued normal people.

And now his appa was gone and in a few odd days, he will be too.

Still, though things may not end up like how he dreamt it to be, he had learned to embrace it. He originally liked it to be silent and sudden instead of gaudy and slow. This kind of dying is an odd mixture of cruel and kind, he thought. Time is his enemy here. He would have liked to leave like his appa, without proper goodbye.

He had learned not to be picky in farewells. They were not guaranteed nor promised. You were lucky, more than blessed, if you got a good-bye at all.

With Donghae, the present was all he has, and eternity is continually shifting, flowing. This very second is his life. And when it is gone it is dead. He had leaped and was judged. It’s like quicksand…hopeless from the start. A story, a picture that in time will fade along with all the hurt, pain and tears. Nothings is real now except the present, and already, he feel the weight of centuries smothering him. Some guy a hundred years ago once lived as he did. And he is dead. I am the present, but I know I, too, will pass.

It is not an expiration date, it is nothing but a second chance. He might as well make use of it.

--

The unending paradox is that we do learn through pain.

He could still remember when, less than a year ago, Kyuhyun joined Super Junior. ‘Unwelcome’ and ‘hated’ were just some of the subtle words to describe the addition of the newest member.

Back then, they were still called the Super Junior ’05, a rotating boy group that “…would experience line-up changes annually”, hence the suffix ’05. The concept was new but not basically unheard off. Naturally, Kyuhyun’s joining the group caused severe internal clash in the SuJu – someone will be replaced on account of the new member. The maknae had been perceive as a threat, a peril. Someone who must be eliminated before the management decided who will be replaced.

They fairly made Kyuhyun’s life, to put it mildly, a living hell. They knew it wasn’t his fault but they were grasping straws and desperate. They all worked hard to reach wherever they were only to be in constant fear of being expelled. And in an almost unspoken rule: it has become a dog-eat-dog world.

Kyuhyun was a terrible dancer, it was obvious right away. He couldn’t make the simplest steps and he was even worse than Heechul and Kibum. As expected, they took every chance to remind Kyu of that fact.

But when they heard him sing, the tables had been turned.

The kid is irreplaceable, they all thought. His singing voice was almost comparable to Yesung. As much as they wanted to admire and applaud the ‘new’ maknae, they all knew that the deal has been set; one of them must go.

The moment Donghae heard Kyu sing, he immediately called his appa. Fishy was tearful and scared, the new kid has more talent than him.

Their conversation was short but it did not go to the direction Donghae was gunning for. Instead of consoling the snivelling son, his appa practically scolded Donghae for the things the members had done to the youngest. Hae tried to explain that they only did it because they were scared and anxious, they did not want to lose.

“…and in doing so, you all already lose the battle.” His appa said. “His arrival was meant to bring out the best in all of you but the anxiety went to your heads and you all let out the worst in you.”

That made Donghae stopped and think. Appa is right, we’re fighting a losing battle, his inner voice said. What we need is a second chance to prove our worth.

The next few weeks were like a reminiscent of their trainee days. They worked hard to the last bits of their strength and eventually they gained more support from their fans: each member became so popular that the management realized that dropping one of them would be a bad idea. The suffix ’05 was dropped and they became Super Junior -- A non-rotational boy group concept.

“Things have worked out...” Donghae could not contain his happiness upon his next call to his appa.

“Everybody won, right?” his appa replied “Things might seem bad at first but it is always a matter of perspective. It is not the end… it’s always a second chance.”

--

Second chance.

The very moment he thought of these, he noticed a sharp pain in his chest, and his arm went numb. Donghae felt his head spinning. It felt like someone had invaded his chest suddenly and squeezed all the juice out of his heart until it was a tiny dry sponge.

He entered a kind of euphoric state, as if death had freed him from fear of dying. From fear of all things that concerns the present. He could not believe it was happening now. Now.

So it was all over…

He tried to picture his hyungs’ and dongseangs’ and umma’s faces. He wanted that to be the last images he gets to see. He did not know how long he was sitting in that bench when the pain came but there’s one thing he was absolutely sure of: the day hasn’t started yet and no one will come for him this time.

He might still experience some pain, but what were five minutes of agony in exchange of an eternity of peace? The only response was to close his eyes: In films the thing he most hated to see were dead people with staring eyes.

But the heart attack was different from what he had imagined; his breathing suddenly became laboured, and Donghae was horrified to realize that he was about to experience the worst of his fears: suffocation. He was going to die as if he being buried alive or had suddenly been plunged into the depths of the sea.

He stumbled, fell, felt a sharp blow on his face, continued making heroic efforts to breathe, but the air wouldn’t go in. He felt as if his body has stopped functioning, all voluntary and involuntary measures have seized, while being entirely conscious. Seconds dragged into minutes and Donghae was suffering the worst kind of death imaginable.

He felt someone touch him and turn him over, but now he had lost control of his eye movements and his eyes were flickering wildly, sending hundreds of different images to his brain, combining the feeling of suffocation with a sense of complete visual confusion.

After a while the images became distant too, and just when the agony reached its peak, the air rushed into his lungs, making a tremendous noise that left Donghae completely paralyzed with fear.

He did not get his second chance.

And he could have sworn that the blackness swallowed him whole.

Nice try Sunri. ;p

i'm never really good at this.