Worst Day Since Yesterday
There's a Light That Never Goes Out
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine. Chapter title came from Flogging Molly's song The Worst Day Since Yesterday.
He didn't want to wake up. He was having a much better time asleep. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a bad dream, you felt so relieved. Donghae woke up into a nightmare
He opened his eyes and there he was --at home in Mokpo.
Realization hit him like a gigantic wave of nausea and before he knew it, he was crying like a helpless child again. When did I become so weak?
"That's the thing about pain, you know, it demands to be felt." Donghae looked around and sure enough, Donghwa was sitting at the edge of his bed. He must have carried me here, the younger thought. His hyung looked so exhausted, he probably stayed up all night, the dark circles around his eyes were more evident than usual.
"You know I could more than understand if you're mad at me," he said conversationally "For not telling you until it was too late. But he t----"
"But he told you not to tell me." Donghae cut him off, a bit coldly "Yeah, I got that part. Anything else?"
Donghwa shook his head, surprisingly calm despite his dongseang's foul retort. "I'll be right outside when you're ready to talk." And he walked out of the room.
Donghae was glad for the alone time but he dread it at the same time: he is just a person who couldn't be alone. He tried to got up from bed but his head started spinning in the slightest movement. He was caught off-balance and had to grip to any random surface to prevent the fall. Unfortunately his hand landed on a small beagle figurine from the bedside table. It broke into a thousand pieces when it crashed on the floor.
He stared at it for quite a time. It was a gift from his appa when he was 8 or 9 years old on his birthday, he honestly couldn't remember when, but the details of that day ran through his mind like a flashback. His appa's smile, his umma's hug and and his hyungs's constant teasing. He loved that humble gift.
When he was younger, before he became a trainee, he would often talk to that small figurine. Yes, it does sound stupid but who didn't do any stupid things when they were younger? Besides, Donghae still does a lot of stupid things even at his age.
Suddenly his eyes began to water, the small brown beagle, and his appa... now all gone. He closed his eyes and images of that beagle filled his eyes; its brown fur and its mouth that was pulled into an O for a long howl. He loved his howl, which he could both hear and feel: long and plaintive, woebegone and heartsore, filled with yearning for what used to be and for what would never come again. At this point, Donghae was sobbing uncontrollably again.
The door burst open and a frantic Donhwa came into view. The sound of the broken figurine startled him so he rushed to the room. When he saw Donghae crying, he stopped on his tracks, unsure how to go on. He wished to comfort him but he felt that he also needed a time to be alone. Fighting his urge to leave, he went on to hug his dongsaeng.
Donghwa couldn't find the words to comfort the younger, after all he was hurting too. He also lost his father. But he knew that he had to remain strong for Hae and their umma.
They stayed that way for quite a time until exhaustion finally claimed Donghae. He was about to tuck him again when Hae finally spoke, "I'm so sorry hyung...I was just mad."
"I told you, I could understand if you're mad." as he reached for the blanket and covered the exhausted figure of his dongseang. "I would probably be mad too, if i were in your place."
"There are a lot of things I wish I have said to him..." Donghae sobbed again "I could have said goodbye. You know what he say, the most painful goodbyes are those never said and never explained."
"I know, appa's words. Sleep now fishy." he whispered before gently tapping his shoulder.
"Hyung?" Donghae called, with eyes close. "can you call Teukkie hyung? Can you tell him I can't come to the schedule today? Please."
"Of course." he replied as he reached for his phone and walked out of the room.
It isn't the goodbye that hurts, Donghae, but the flashbacks that follows.
--
Donhwa's message to Leeteuk went straight to voicemail. Probably because of their schedule again. Those poor kids, the older thought, they must be really exhausted (A/N: I'm not sure if Donghwa is older than Teukkie, it's just an assumption XD)
Leeteuk wasn't able to get the message until right after lunch, when the whole group was supposed to go on a radio interview. They were already in their van on the way to the radio station. He was about to call fishy for being late again when he noticed the vmail from Donghwa.
"Junsu? It's me Donhwa hyung. Hae asked me to tell you that he couldn't come to his schedule for today, probably until tomorrow and the day after that." he paused. Teukkie noticed that his voice was raspy, like he drank too much cold water in a single gulp. Teukkie's heart tighten. Something must have happened, though he had a vague idea --he didn't dare his mind wander to the thought. "Donghae is not feeling well. A-all of us are... appa has left us." It was followed by a long beep, and the message ended.
A single tear escaped Leeteuk's eye. He was close to Donghae's father, probably much closer than his own.
"Hyung? Hyung? what's wrong?" Hyukjae asked, concern etched on his handsome face. "Did something happen? What is it?" his voice was panicking now.
"Donghae.." he trailed off. He couldn't go on.
"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FISHY?" the younger bellowed causing everyone in the van to shut up and listen.
"His appa died."
Everyone hung their heads with disbelief. All of them knew Hae's father. He was like the rest of them, much to Donghae's chagrin, a lot of people say that he could be the 14th member of Super Junior. (A/N It's 2006 right? Henry and Zhou Mi aren't part of SuJu yet?)
"We need to go to Mokpo." It was Kangin who first spoke "We need to pay our respects"
All nodded in agreement, so Leeteuk called their manager hyung to cancel the interview. Unfortunately, commitment is commitment: the show woudn't be able to get any last minute guests. The manager however agreed to clear out all their schedule for the rest of the day.
--
The drive to Mokpo was uneventful and unusually quiet. Almost as if the funeral was happening inside the van. Once in a while, a random sob would escape from a member to be automatically followed by some words of comfort. All 11 of them -- since Heechul couldn't get out of his previous commitment but he promised to go right after the schedule -- were almost in the verge of breakdown.
The weather hasn't improved from the other day: it must also be mourning from their lost. When they parked the van near the Lee's house, nobody moved for a whole minute.
"I don't think I could go inside." Kibum spoke "I'm not very good with words, what if I hurt them more?"
"There are no right words in mourning," Leeteuk affirmed "and nothing we can do or say to hurt them more. We just need to be there for them."
--
To say that it was a surprise was a massive understatement. When 11 tearful young men walked through their door, Donghwa felt a huge knot on his chest --his appa is loved not only by his real family, but the family they made outside.
"We should've called," the oldest Leeteuk said "but for some reason, we couldn't. But we came here anyways."
"Come, come." Umma ushered them inside. One by one, the idols took turns in hugging umma and Donghwa, muttering some hushed words of comfort, although all of them sure need some dosage of comfort themselves.
"Where is he? How's Donghae holding up?" Hangeng asked, his eyes searching for the younger member.
"He's in his room." Donghwa replied "he hasn't eaten since he came yesterday. He's becoming worse every second."
"We'll try to talk to him," Eunhyuk piped in.
"He's not talking to anyone. He's been catatonic since he woke up this noon. I'm scared we'll lose him too."
--
There he was. Sitting in the dark. Silent as a stone. Unmoving as an oak.
But his eyes were a different story.
"Donghae-ah..." Kangin started. But the younger didn't move. Leeteuk the lights, but he wish he didn't.
He wasn't Donghae --the five year old grown-man kid. He was a different person. They could tell he hasn't eaten yet because his back was hunched a bit, he must've cried his eyes out because it was too swollen, his skin was also too pale.
"Hyung, snap out of it." Ryeowook went to his side and gave him a gentle shake. "We're here for you."
But he didn't move.
"Manager hyung said he'll give you a break..." Leeteuk spoke "Ample time to pull yourself together. But I say, take your time." his voice was breaking too "follow your pace, everyone will understand."
No response. Everyone got the feeling that they're talking to a stone. But still they patiently stayed with his side. Taking turns in holding his hand and offering words of comfort.
Suddenly, Donghwa appeared on the doorway. "Junsu, you've got to see this." he said with a hint of urgency in his voice. "Follow me, palli."
The leader followed the older and barely two minutes had passed when he came back running to Donghae's room.
"Just heard the news on TV." he said,his voice shaking "Heechul was involve in a traffic accident."
Took longer than expected. Sorry if the chapter is long and boring, but i gave my heart in it. So yeah.
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