Disclaimer: Characters are MINE. Yes. That's right, believe me. And oh yeah, I'm a liar too. Chapter title came from a line from Ed Sheeran's song Lego House.
Cheers for the double update!
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When he opened his eyes, Donghae did not think, This must be heaven. Heaven would never use a fluorescent tube to light a room, and the pain -- which started a fraction of a second later -- was typical of the Earth. Ah, that Earth pain -- unique, unmistakable.
And heaven wouldn't smell like antiseptics and ethyl alcohol. He could also bet that Heaven would not have that annoying beeping sounds of a heart monitor.
He tried to move, and the pain increased. A series of bright dots appeared, but even so, Donghae knew that those dots were not the stars of paradise but the consequences of the intense pain he was feeling.
"He's coming to, he's coming to," he heard a man say. "You've landed a slap bang in hell, so you'd better make the most of it."
No, it couldn't be true; that voice was deceiving him. It wasn't hell. It couldn't be hell, because he felt really cold and he was aware of plastic tubes coming out of his nose and mouth. One of the tubes --the one stuck down his throat --made him feel as if he were choking.
"You're not in hell," said a different voice, also a man's. It was harsh and coarse, like he was crying for hours. Donghae could also tell that the voice's owner was a bit angry. "And you're not going anywhere, you understand? Or I'll follow you in the next life and kill you there personally. You know I don't joke about things like that."
Donghae felt frightened and comforted at the same time. That voice was his last conscious thought before he dozed off to blackness for the second time.
--
"It was all coming back again. You're relieving my worst nightmare." said another voice. He could not remember exactly how long has it been since his last encounter with a human voice, but it seemed like a very long time. But then again, when you are hovering between life and death, time is just a perspective. The voice was not like the first or the second one --it was calm and reassuring, but somehow he felt the heaviness in his tone, like he was chewing ice while nursing a bad flu. For some reason though, Donghae could not match a face with all these voices. "Another lifetime ago, I was also sitting in this same position: watching a very close friend lie there asking why on earth could she give up like that.
"She was the closest thing I have to a friend. You see, I'm not really good with all these making-friends stuff --people in general are not really my thing. You know that." he heaved a sigh, Donghae could actually feel him breathe. "She wanted to be a singer --no, a performer. You know, sing and dance and stuff. And she was really good, she really was. I went with her to every audition, I was her biggest fan.
What's all that got to do with me? thought Hae, unable to say anything.
"I lost count on how many auditions we went through, how many we'll call you again's I've heard and I could feel her enthusiasm emptying out. After a while, she stopped going into agency calls, though I tried my best to drag her into each one. She was laughing less, she was slipping into passivity. She was shutting out the entire world, including herself, including me.
"It was too late for me to realize that depression is her illness. By that time, she was already knee-deep into it. How could I not noticed that she stopped wearing sleeveless tops so she could cover her cuts? Or how thin her body gets after not sleeping for days? I should have...
Donghae could tell that the voice was in a wreck, his voice was barely audible and though he could not see it, he knew that the voice's body was shaking. Donghae tried but failed to move his head in the direction of the person speaking to him.
"I should have been there. I should have never left her side even for a second. I should have known and noticed things... I should have told her not to give up. Sometimes when I looked back, I guess I really saw these things, I just chose to deny it. Because, really, people are meant to survive and fight, right? Not to succumb and give up.
"Then one day, she was well again. She started living the life of the bestfriend that I knew. For a while, everything was okay until she told her family that she wanted to kill... herself.
"No one believed her. Then one morning she left a message on my phone, saying good-bye and she gassed herself. I listened to that message several times: I had never heard her sound so calm, so resigned to her fate. For the first time in what seemed like a long time, I thought she was happy again.
Donghae felt sorry for the man telling the story, for he seemed to be doing so in an attempt to understand his friend's death. In a world where everyone struggles to survive whatever the cost, how could one judge those people who decide to die?
No one can judge. Each person knows the extent of their own suffering or the total absence of meaning in their lives. Donghae wanted to explain that, but instead all he could do was choke silently on the tube that was inserted to his throat. He wanted to say to the man before him that maybe his friend did the right thing. After all, it's better to end the life while she still have the courage to do it, than to spend the rest of her days wallowing in despair.
"She was, she was the only one I have. I was so mad at her for giving up and leaving me just like that. She should have known that when she tried to kill herself... I would die too... maybe not right away, maybe not as painful as her death, but it would happen. No one could live very long without a heart...
The man went silent for a while, though his continuous sobbing filled up the whole room. That and the annoying beep of the heart monitor.
"I started to slip into the world she escaped in and there was nobody to pull me back. No one. Because she was supposed to do that. She was my friend. She, she should have k-known that she was the s-stronger one. If she couldn't do it, how could I? You see fishy, when I told you that I've been there, I meant in the both sides of the equation: here in this weeping chair and on that deathbed.
"I know how it feels when everyday feels like it should be your last. Take it from someone who's fallen, Donghae... it's a long way down."
This might seemed off but i wrote this chapter first before the previous one. I guess because the memories that transpired this chaptie are more fresh. Or because I gave most of my energy to forget the events that transpired the previous chap ("What are you willing to lose?")
I'm sorry if this is a bit chaotic and ooc... i promise to work harder on the next chapters..
But anyhow, please subscribe and comment! :D
saranghae! -maud
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