Pickup time for iheart25

Story Title : LOVE in Summer Camp

Author : iheart25

Reviewer : chichichi224

Title [3/5]

First of all, you don’t need to capitalize all letters on ‘Love’. Change it onto: ‘Love in Summer Camp’.

You also need chapter title~~ don’t just simply use “Chapter One” as a title, okay? :)

And for the title itself, I don’t find it alluring. It’s a pretty common title. It’s just another version of title like ‘Love in Paris’. We, readers, really like it when we read something and a question will pop out about what will happen.

And when I read your title, the first thought that came into my mind was, “Ah, it’s just another love story that started in summer camp.”

But that’s alright ^^

Appearance [4/5]

The poster is actually all right, but it will be perfect if the poster portraying that ‘summer feel’, since it’s about summer camp ^^

And it’d be great if you decorated it by putting a background so it doesn’t look that plain.

Foreword/ Description [6/10]

The description is all right… but still, I think it’s reveal too much. I don’t feel an urge to click the ‘next’ button. You can simply fix it onto something that will make your readers having tons of question inside their head about what will going to happen next ^^

The crucial part is, never put those character profile with their traits. It’s okay to put their pictures to let your readers know how they look like. But never put things such as, “She is quiet most of the time but her quirky side comes out when you are close with her already. The girl whom Jiyong and Key likes.” You already reveal half of your story by putting this thing.

And put those character pictures on the description while your author notes, credits, etc, you can put it on the foreword.

Originality [17/25]

I personally like this summer camp thingy, it’s like I read a written version of Camp Rock ^^

But beside that, it’s actually a pretty ordinary idea. It just like a same love story but you put it in summer way. There’s no surprise at all. I can already imagine how the ending will be. But it will be really great if you twist it and surprise me by making different ending~ ^w^

Spelling/ Punctuation [13/20]

I don’t find spelling errors. Maybe there are one or two, but it’s all can be considered as a typo ^^ It’s a good thing to not in a rush while writing~ so, good job!

BUT, please don’t use any weird Romanized Korean. You are writing in English, and not all people know what it means. So, if you already decided to write in English, just stick to it! Don’t put word such as ‘mianhe’ or ‘kamsa’. There are words like ‘sorry’ and ‘thanks’ in replace of those weird Romanization.

However, words that hardly translated in English such as ‘oppa’, ‘unnie’, ‘hyung’, etc, can be tolerated. Because those words sometime can indicated the politeness or the relationship they had; so I personally think those words are okay to be use ^^

Maybe you are good at spelling, but you still make me stops at some sentence because there are punctuation errors. I also need to stop in the middle to catch a breath because the sentence has no comma at the place where it meant to be.

Here’s the rule that you crossed:

Don’t bully your keyboard and our precious punctuation!

(1) “GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! PLEASE GET READY AND GO TO THE STAGE LATER AT 2:00 PM FOR THE WELCOME PARTY FOR THE NEWBIES” this is indeed bullying. I know this is sentence that comes from the super loud speaker. But besides bullying your caps lock, you can write: “Good morning everyone! Blah blah blah,” the speakers announced in a full blast. Or something similar.

(2) “ALRIGHT EVERYONE GO TO YOUR RESPECTIVE PLACES. AND LET CAPTURE THE FLAGE BEGIN!!!!” I’m not talking about caps lock bully again. But punctuation bully ^^ kkk~ you use too many exclamation (!) here. Just using one will do. Okay? ;)

Let your readers have a breath!

You will not like it if I write a sentence like what I write right now it’s because I don’t put any comma and period at where it needed and since I don’t put any comma or period maybe you read it without taking any breath and it’s so uncomfortable ^^ haha… do you realize these little things (, and .) importance? Here’s one of your paragraph, comma inside the brackets is the correction, and the red thingy is capitalization error:

1. Here it is, My parents decided to let me join a summer camp since they want my summer to be fun (.) but I was totally against to that decision (.) I mean computer is fun(,) right?
2. Lee Hongki started on calling the names of the newbies and the newbies started to introduce themselves(.) but the last one(,) the very last one(,) caught my attention.
3. Etc.

if you don’t know when you should put it, you can tried to read it out loud and you will find when you stops a while or stops a little longer. That’s when you should put comma or period ^^ I hope this helps!

Put the comma and period at their place!

This is the most commonly happens; the punctuation that should be put after the spoken sentence ends.

As we all know, a period used when we want to write a different sentence, and a comma used to give your reader breath and proper pause.

You cannot separate the word ‘said’ and its synonym with the spoken sentence, so you should put a comma in between. This is how you should write:

1. “Hi, my name is Rica,” I said nervously at the stage.
2. “Hi, my name is Rica.” I bowed quickly and left.
3. I nervously went to stage, but I successfully said my introduction, “Hi, my name is Rica.”

As you see, the first and last example has the word ‘said’ (or its synonym), so I put a comma to connect them. While the second example has no such word, so I put a period to separate them ^^

I also give the red color at letter ‘H’ in the last example. It’s because wherever you put the spoken sentence, you should capitalize the first letter.

Characterization [7/10]

The problem is, I still don’t see their character yet. You should make a stronger character. I don’t mean that it has to be boyish, like to fight, or whatsoever. I mean you should make people know that Rica is ‘this’ kind of girl, and that Jiyong is ‘this’ kind of boy, and so on :)

I know you can make it, so try harder!

Writing Style [8/10]

Since it’s written in someone POV, I don’t expect many descriptions. I suggest you to write it in your POV, where you can describe many things so you can make your readers can imagine how the places look like. But it sure going to be harder. It’s just suggestion, if you feel comfortable writing in Rica and Jiyong POV, just contimue with it ^^

And control the amount of enters you use. Just hit the ‘enter’ button once when you write a new paragraph. You can hit it twice when the place changes. It’s nothing big, though.

Enjoyment [8/10]

I dock two points because of punctuation errors and caps lock thingy~ beside that, I really enjoying reading your story ^^

Bonus [3/5]

To encourage you to work harder ^^

I can see potential in you. The thing you should look for is your punctuation :)

TOTAL: 69/100