Pickup time for vicheko

Written By : vicheko

Reviewed By : chichichi24

Title [5/5]

Full marks! Woo-hoo~!

When silverline send me your request, I was playing games on my laptop. And usually I will ignore anything and focused on my game. But seeing your story title, I cannot help it but to click your story immediately ^^ *curious* well, no capitalization error, not cliché, nice choice, good job!

Appearance [4/5]

Err… you make your own poster, right? Well, it’s beautiful. But I think it doesn’t represent your story. From what I’ve seen, your story is kind of cute. And also, from what I’ve seen, your poster will match better with angst theme―just look at their expression, they look like they will apart.

Suggestion from me, make it more ‘happy’, and maybe to make it represent your story, you can add…underwear or underwear shop as a background? I am not a graphic artist, though. So if my suggestion looks horrible, just do it your own way ^^

Foreword/ Description [10/10]

It’s decorated beautifully! You make use of your graphic skill well, eh? ^^ I love the last picture~

Originality [20/25]

Since there is only one chapter, I cannot judge the originality well. But the beginning when they met is definitely unique and not cliché like another story when they make their characters bump to each other. Still, I can see the usual plot story many authors use.

Spelling/ Punctuation [16/20]

Not many spelling errors, it also can be considered as typos.

“…it can’t be all to bad.” : I supposed you mean it to be ‘too’.

“…it was obvious that this was the most iest of them all.” : There is no word such as ‘iest’. However, ‘most’ with ‘-est’ has the same meaning. So there is double-usage. You can write it this way: ‘the most y of them all’.

I found you often use wrong ellipsis. The correct ellipsis consist of three dots (…) and you write just two (..). It’s a simple mistake, though.

This happen really often, spoken sentence. Problems with placing comma, full stop, and capitalization.

Well, basically, there are four way to write it.

“Yes, my Majesty,” the man said as he bowed.
“Yes, my Majesty.” The man bowed deeply to the queen before he left the palace.
The man bowed deeply before leaving the palace as he said, “Yes, my Majesty.”
The man stand before the queen as he listen to what the queen told him carefully until her last word. “Yes, my Majesty.”

Do you see the difference where I put comma, full stop, and capitalizing?

Since the word ‘said’ (or its synonym) is related to the spoken sentence, and it cannot stand alone, you should connect them with a comma.
It’s the opposite from first sentence, there is no such a word. There is just an action at the end. An action can stand alone without spoken sentence, right? So you don’t need to connect them. Just separate them with a full stop.

The third and fourth sentence is pretty much the same with those two~:3 just, you still need capitalize the beginning of quoted/spoken sentence even they are in that position.

[ERRORS]

“Yeah. Only a few more hours of hell.” I muttered under my breath. (Change full stop with a comma.)

I started to walk towards the exit, but paused and turned around, “My real home.” (Change comma with a full stop.)

my father wiped some sweat of his forehead with a rag from his pocket and smiled, “Honey, they’ll be living with us.. kind of like a dorm room.” (Change comma with a full stop.)

“I found it first.”, a deep voice rumbled. (Err… you know what to do, right?)

“Isabella! Who in the world taught you to curse like that. (Change it with question mark since it’s a question or an exclamation mark since she sounds angry.)

If you look again, there will be lots of comma-full stop mistakes.

I really am terrible at explaining -___-

Characterization [9/10]

Though it’s still one chapter, I can feel Isabella’s strong character that you create. I just hope that character will not fade away.

Writing Style [10/10]

I like it how you describe everything well ^^ nothing to be commented on.

Enjoyment [9/10]

I really am enjoying reading your fic. Keep improving, okay?

Bonus [5/5]

For make me liking your story even it’s about exo (I don’t say I hate them. But… yeah…)I believe you have potential ^^ keep writing! I will looking forward to the next chapter~

TOTAL: 88/100