Story Title : An Exotic Wish: Marry Me Baekhyun!

Story Writer : Chieeyul

Reviewer : chichichi24

Title [2/5]

Err... Sorry to say this, but the story title is super cliché. If I search it, there will be tons of similar title show up.

Appearance [5/5]

No complain ^^ it’s beautiful. Full marks!

Foreword/ Description [4/10]

There is actually no problem with your description except that there is spelling errors (I will mention it on spelling section) and the fact that it does not attract me. The words you choose are too plain. It doesn’t attract me at all.

And please oh please remove character description below there! It’s okay to put your characters picture to make your reader know what they look like, but never describe their personality! She is kind, she is cute, she is lovable, blah blah blah… you can show it how she is cute, how she is lovable throughout your story. So you don’t need to put the character description.

Originality [10/25]

There are lots of same story with same plot as yours there. I’ve read many stories like yours in the past, so I can sort of imagine what the ending will like. Twist and unexpected thing will make your story more unique on your own way.

Spelling/ Vocabulary/ Punctuation [9/20]

I am really sorry for giving you such a low score. But however, spelling and punctuation affect your readers’ enjoyment while reading your story.

Spelling. I found lots of mistakes in every chapter, from the description until the latest chapter so far, there are tons of spelling mistakes. My suggestion, please take your time while writing your story. I can see you are in rush because most of mistake you made can be considered as typo. After writing a chapter, spare five minutes to proof-read to ensure there weren’t any mistakes.

These were some mistakes I found:

• Buisness should be business.
• Queit should be quite. Also make sure about the difference between quite and quiet.
• Fullfilled should be fulfilled.
• The other 16 years old teenagers nowadays may thing ‘Marry at a Young age’ is ridiculous. I supposed it should be ‘think’ since it didn’t match with the sentence.
• Sweettalker should be separated: sweet talker.
• Gigled should be giggled.
• Gnored should be ignored.
• Immidiately should be immediately.
• Busket should be basket.
• And many more.

As you can see, most of them were typos. BTW, Ms. Word really helped a lot, you know? Try to write at Ms. Word first before posting it online :3

Lastly, never put those strange emoticon between your story, okay?

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Punctuation. These things called punctuation marks really help a lot to make your reader enjoying this story of yours. But you don’t make use of them really often.

Period (.): Put them in the end of sentence. Your mistakes:

Ellipsis (…): If you want to use ellipsis, make sure you use all the three dots. Ellipsis consists of three dots. Not just two. And also, there is time where you should use comma beside ellipsis.

Exclamation (!) and question mark (?): Just put one. You abused your keyboard if you put too many like this, “What???”  or “Baekhyun!!!!!”

Comma (,): This is the most mistakes that authors made. It mostly happened at spoken sentence. Example:

• “This is my wife,” he said as he smiled.
• “This is my wife.” He held the girl’s hand tightly.

Put comma if there is word said and its synonym. But put period if there is just an action after the spoken sentence. Look at the capitalization difference also.

Capitalization:

• Capitalize the first word of quoted sentence wherever it placed.
• Capitalize proper noun. You often unnecessarily capitalized random word which doesn’t need to be capitalized.
• Capitalize the first word of a sentence.
• Capitalize the word ‘I’

Some of your mistakes (since you used the name format, so this will be written with my account name):

• Hey im chichichi24. im 16 years old and im married. To this guy that sleep beside me. you wont believe it but.. yeah~~ Correction: Hey I’m chichichi24. I’m 16 years old and I’m married (remove the period) to this guy that sleep beside me. You won’t believe it but… yeah~
• “Omg.. How can i pass these Monster??” You thought Correction: ‘OMG/Oh my God… How can I pass these monsters?’ You thought. (you can use (‘) to stated a thought or simply italicized the sentence)
• “I want to marry you Byun Baekhyun.. even im 16” You said to him correction: “I want to marry you Byun Baekhyun… even I’m 16,” you said to him.
• “Yes, You can wait at EXO room :)” He said with a smile Correction: “Yes, you can wait at EXO room (remove smile),” he said with a smile.
• The other 16 years old teenagers nowadays may thing ‘Marry at a Young age’ is ridiculous. Correction: The other 16 years old teenagers nowadays may think marry at a young age (remove both of (‘)) is ridiculous.
• Etc.

Characterization [3/10]

No stable or strong character for each character you made. Especially if I connect it with character profile you put at the front, its turn out to be the opposite.

Let’s take an example of Baekhyun. You said at your character profile that he is really picky when it comes to a girl, that’s why he is still single. But in the later chapter, he is easily said that he will marry her? Isn’t that really the opposite character?

Characterization, however, still needed to write a story. But you don’t need to publish it to all over the world. You can keep it as a note for yourself, this note will really help you when you forget how your characters looks like so s/he will not turn to ‘someone else’.

Writing Style [4/10]

I don’t really like your way putting a picture in the middle of story. If it’s really necessary, you can describe it. It will be easier to describe it since you already have the picture, right?

Please don’t write your author notes in the middle of your story.

Example: “Hhaahhahaah.. I cant imagine if chichichi24 and Baekhyun fight like that” Kai said while texting with Mantien <---- My Active subbie (commented twice) XPP is that necessary? It isn’t. There is lots of A/N in the middle of story that distracted me. You can write an author note below your story.

And I also don’t like your way putting strange name accounts that are your subscribers’. I know you maybe want to connect with your subscribers, but that isn’t the way. But if you really like it that way, you can ask your subbers’ nickname and put it instead of their account.

Example:

You wrote: Lay gave candies to HaeNi24.

Let’s assume that HaeNi24’s nickname is Hani, so you can write it this way: Lay gave a bag full of candies to this tall girl next to me named Hani.

Beside that all, I think that your chapter content is too short. Your readers want to read more than three minutes, you know? Make it longer :)

Enjoyment [3/10]

Like I said before, spelling and punctuation errors, and author notes in the middle of story make me not enjoying your story. Don’t forget about those emoticons!

Plus, I personally think your story pace are too fast and too forced. They met, they make love, and in one day they look like they already know for a long period, they are all lovey dovey beside the fact that they are just met. It’s all too forced.

Bonus [1/5]

For working hard to keep in touch with your subbers ^^ I think it’s a good thing.

TOTAL: 41/100