~ The Second Movement ~
                                                             __________________________________________
 

Chapter Five - Mezzo-Piano

The time flew by without letting me know.
First it was hours - then it was days.
I only had to blink and then the world had already changed.

My work was really stressful and stole almost any energy that I have.
Even though I was really tired and even with university which had started a few days ago, I still gave my best.
I had no other options left than trying.
My head was completely empty, filling me with vanishing memories.
Sometimes I really didn’t thought about anything else than working and studying – but then I remembered those dark moments which I kept locked away deep inside of me.
And I remembered my friends – especially Jinhee – who gave me strength.
But somehow I felt a distance between them and me.
I wasn’t used to live alone, to do everything on your own and working all day – and then I had those moments, when I just wanted to give up.
However there was almost something that held me back.

It was already two weeks when I sawJinhee for the last time – and I found myself in some kind of a hole.
A hole that I dug myself for the past few weeks.
I didn’t know why, but I still casually walked down the street, hoping for something to happen – but nothing ever happened.
I even hated myself for being like this – it was almost like everything wanted to remember me for these things that happened in my past.
And I really didn’t want to think about it.
My friends always called me strong and reliable – but actually I never was.
Even though I never was a whiny kid I was always weak inside.

I pressed my fingertips against the cold window of the café, looking to the customers inside.
It was strange – because I didn’t remember how I got there.
My feet walked on their own, leading the way after my tiring work.
The people were laughing, eating with smiling faces – giving me a somehow warm feeling inside, even though it was a rather cold day.
It made me feel like wanting to join them, feeling the warm air inside and sit down for a small piece of cake.
But at the same time I didn’t want to – because I’d feel that it would be hilarious.
Hilarious that I was there again; sitting all alone at one table without meeting anyone.
The waitress even began to pity me – I always saw that in her eyes.
And I didn’t want that pity.
I didn’t want anyone to see that I was weak.
It happened one time in my life – it should never happen again.

I removed my hand from the window, trying to cheer myself up.
It was really uncommon for me to be like this.
My friend knew me as the smiling, cheerful Sangmi when I was with them – it should better be this way all the time.
I sighed, pressing my hands together and rubbed them a bit for a small, warm feeling.
Even though the sun was shining the weather decided to send icy, cold wind, creating an unpleasant illusion of a warm spring day.
I arranged my rather thin jacket and forced myself to look away from the window.
This was just pathetic.

“Are you waiting for someone?”
The voice sounded familiar, but I wasn’t so sure about it.
I turned my head, trying to force myself to put up a smile – but when I saw the man standing behind me, my face expression disappeared.
It was the same man as before – the same man I accidentally meet over and over again for the past few weeks.
And the one I already know by his name.
It was G.O.
He wore his usual sunglasses again – even though he changed his baseball cap for a dark hoodie.
The cold wind didn’t even seem to bother him even though his hoodie was the only jacket he’s wearing.
I could bet that he only wore something short underneath it.
But there was no time to worry about that.

I actually had to look really silly because I didn’t know what face expression I should show to him.
A happy one?  Most likely not.
A grateful one? I was, but it wouldn’t fit the moment.
He smiled as reaction to my priceless face expression – at least this is what I thought.
“Maybe I’m inopportune? I’m sorry.”
His voice was gentle – and it even sounded a bit amused.

I didn’t know what to reply at first.
Something inside of me really wanted to thank him since long ago  – but being grateful for his kind words is probably really pathetic after all.
“You’re not”, I managed to say and sighed. “I just don’t know what I’m doing here.”
“Me neither.”
He still smiled, putting his hands into the pockets of his hoodie.
“I guess you are free then?” he suddenly asked without showing a different facial expression.
I was confused.
“I am – I just got off from work.”
“So you really found a work after all. Congratulations.”
It was strange.
He really seemed to be happy because of it – and it confused me even more.
“Thank you”, I simply replied and at the same time I felt really dumb.
“Do you still want to stand in front of that window or do you want to accompany me a bit?”
I needed sometime to realize his question.
Okay – this was probably the biggest mistake I’d ever made in my whole life.
Or more likely it was his biggest mistake.
At least I felt that way.
“Everything is fine with me right now – I’m freezing.”
“Alright, then let’s go”, he said with a soft voice, pointing into one direction.

At first I just followed him, but then we walked beside each other.
But we were both silent.
I rubbed my hands from time to time, inwardly cursing the cold wind and tried to think about a good topic.
Actually, I had loads of things to talk about – first of all I wanted to know why he was there.
Secondly, I really wanted to know why he suddenly wanted me to accompany him.
But it was hard for me to ask.
We walked like this for quite some time.
“May I ask if you’re having a hard time right now?” he asked out of the blue and I turned my head to him.
It really is obvious that I was a little depressed the past few days.
Normally I never talked with other people about something like this – but he was different.
He was a stranger, but I had the feeling that I could talk to him.
Maybe because I started to trust him a bit ever since he encouraged me a few weeks ago – but I still don’t know why he did that.
“I have”, I admitted with an honest voice, “I just got here a bit than a month ago and everything is so new. My work is consuming a lot of time and I still have to visit university.”
While I’m speaking, I felt really dumb and hilarious – the world is just like that.
What did I expect when I moved here?
Silly me.
“It’s really hard to describe that”, I instantly added, trying not to sound weird.
But he didn’t laugh – and I was sure that he didn’t think that I was silly.
“It feels like you lose the floor under your feet, am I right?” he asked again.
I could already feel his stare on me, even though he’s wearing sunglasses.
But he was right again.
“That’s true”, I admitted again.
“I often feel like that too.” G.O replied with honesty.

The longer we walked, the more I feel that I could trust him.
Of course I still don’t know anything about him, or why he even took his time to talk about my problems – but I was grateful for that.
Again I was grateful that he somehow cared for me.

“Oh, I’m sorry – you probably wanted to go home, right? Maybe we should change the direction”, he suggested and I was pretty sure to see a somehow worried face.

“It’s fine with me”, I said, “My home isn’t that far away.”
“Oh, that’s good”, he said, relieved about it. “I just wanted to leave the place because it’s not that good if I show up too often at the same place.”
This made sense – and I fully understand him.
It would become really troublesome if people started to recognize him.
“You were there that often already?”, I just asked, picking a topic.
“Almost daily for the past few weeks.”
He looked at me again, as if he’s waiting for something.
But I didn’t know what he wanted.
“Oh. That’s how you got a bit chubby”, I jokingly said, poking him in his side.
He smiled again, but he didn’t reply.

Somehow we started to talk a bit more now – it was nothing special.
There weren’t that many people around us and no one looking at us either.
Everything was perfectly quiet and no one disturbed us.
I talked a bit about my work, telling him about my awful boss and how I really wanted to kick his after the first day.
This made him laugh even more.
He listened to everything I said – and I was really thankful for that.
Somehow my day got better because I could talk about my troubles.
This feeling was great – but at the same time I felt sorry for him to listen to everything.
But he never complained about it.

Suddenly he stopped walking.
“Do you feel better now?” he asked after I finished a longer monologue of swearing against some customers.
His lips formed a beautiful smile and somehow I really felt better than before.
“Yes. Thank you.”
I nodded and then I bowed a bit.
“It’s good that I could help you. You don’t have to be grateful for that.”
“But I still wanted to thank you for it. I didn’t want to bother my friends with it.”
“You can always talk to me if you ever feel like talking to someone.”
His voice sounded honest again, but I needed a few seconds to realize what he’d said.
“I don’t have that much time – but if you want you can still contact me. I’m giving you my phone number.”
He stretched his hand towards me, waiting for me to hand him over my mobile phone.
I fished it out of my handbag without thinking and gave it to him.
He simply saved his number and gave it back.
“By the way, you can call me Byunghee, Jinhee.”
He smiled again – and something inside me changed.
“Jinhee is not my name”, I said a bit shy now, “It’s the name of a friend. She wanted me to get her autographs. My name is Sangmi.”
It was really stupid how I explained it, but he just put up his hand to his mouth, trying not to laugh.
“Ah, that’s cute”,  he said, still trying to restrain his laughter.
“Don’t laugh like said!”
I boxed him in his side again, making him laugh even more.
“Alright, I won’t laugh from now on.”
He still grinned, but at least he didn’t laugh.
“I’m sorry Sangmi. But I have to go now.”

I rubbed my hands again because they began to freeze, forcing myself not to bow again.
He did a lot for me today and I was really grateful for his offer to contact him anytime I wanted.
“You’re really cold, aren’t you?”, he said with a worried voice, pulling me out of my daydreams.
“What?”, I said with a confused voice.
“You’re rubbing your hands the whole time now. You should wear a warmer jacket when it’s this cold.”
I wanted to tell him that it was alright – even though it wasn’t – but he already pulled out his hoodie.
As I expected he wore only a T-shirt under it, but I didn’t have much time to take a look on his muscular arms.
He wrapped me inside his big hoodie and patted my head.
“Take good care of yourself and don’t catch a cold. See you later then.”
He waved at me and then left with a smile.

I just stood there with his warm hoodie wrapping around me, wondering what he was up to.