~ The Second Movement ~
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Chapter Twelve - Fortissimo Piano

I tried to prevent myself from repeating the kiss scene in my head all over again - but the strange, warm feelings inside of me just would not stop growing.
It wasn’t my first kiss– and even though our kiss didn’t last long it felt like it was my real first time of feeling someone’s lips on my own.
I could still feel his soft skin and sense his breathing on my cheeks like an illusion of my memories.
That evening, he just left me like that – having a gentle, small smile on his lips and patting my head carefully before he went away.
And as I saw him going, leaving me behind for the next weeks and without knowing what he was thinking about his kiss, my confusion just got bigger – because his affection towards me seemed to be sincere.
I stared at the empty spot he had left in my apartment and hoped that my heartbeat would slow down – but it wasn’t going to happen.


                                             “We will leave for Japan now. Take care~~!!!”


My fingertips slowly over the glowing display of my mobile phone when I had to leave for college the next day.
It was no surprise that I got a new message from Byunghee – his very last farewell.
Even though I knew that he was going to leave it still hurt me.
Not because he did something wrong – but only because I knew that I would be helpless for the next weeks.
But complaining about it wouldn’t change that I had an empty spot inside my heart.
I really wondered when I had become like this and had realized that my strong side was just a façade.

My head turned to the small window in my bedroom and I watched the blue, clear sky.
He would be only gone for three or four weeks – this would be alright.
It had to be alright.
I inwardly promised this to myself in order to not disappoint him in trying to become stronger from now on and trying to find my old self again.
After all what he had done for me... this was the only thing that I could do for him.


~*~

Seeing Jinhee’s happy face again gave me a small smile on my lips as well.
After Byunghee had left for Japan and leaving me behind in Korea I decided to be a good friend again and meet up with her – and it was really the right decision.
Her inviting, big apartment radiated a calm atmosphere which made me feel much better as soon as I entered it.
We had kept in touch via text messages or phone calls; but meeting up in person again was way better.
She even prepared a sweet fruit cake for us both – knowing, that I liked them.
I was really grateful that she was thinking about me and I wondered if she had noticed that I changed over the past weeks.
Maybe she did – because somehow she seemed to be really understanding.
I sat down at her cute, round table in her living room and stared at the small MBLAQ poster which was hanging on the opposite side of the wall.
Seeing Byunghee being there opened up a small hole inside of me again – but I immediately tried to fill it up with the sweet, gentle atmosphere in here.
It was only the second day and it already felt like I  haven't seen him for years now.
No messages. No calls. Nothing.
I knew he was busy but somehow I really wished that he would at least send me a text message even though it may be a bit selfish to ask for.
He kissed me, but the way he disappeared made me really wonder if I liked him more than he liked me.
It was pretty stupid to worry about such things but I couldn’t help to think about it.
However, I made a promise to myself and I wanted to keep it – like I always kept all my promises.

“You know, I told him that I would never be interested in someone who can’t even do a single assignment alone.”
Jinhee told her latest life experience with a jokingly voice, which made me almost laugh.
It was really common that guys started to like her and mostly they were just a bunch of idiots – at least that’s how we both saw it.
Somehow it made me jealous that Jinhee could be so popular among the guys but when I was honest with myself then I haven’t really looked at guys before.
Listening to Jinhee’s stories about meetings with guys was enough to amuse me mostly because I loved it to see her making jokes.
I speared one small piece of the fruitcake with my fork while looking at her funny face.
“Next time you should try to put some salt into his coffee. I bet he’ll like it”, I suggested with an evil smile before I took a bite.
It was really delicious.
“Only you could have come up with this idea, Sangmi”, she giggled and started to eat as well.
She was swinging her fork almost like a baton as if trying to banish my wild idea.
“You could put even more in it”, I added and stuffed my mouth with another piece of cake.
Talking with her cleared up my mind a bit – almost the same way it did when I was talking with Byunghee.
“No one should have you as their enemy.”
Jinhee’s words made me laugh – the first time I felt like laughing again since quite some time.

“So what were you doing before I disturbed your peaceful day?”, I asked her and ate my last piece.
“Nothing much. Today is my day off and I was mostly watching TV and looking through the internet.”
She shrugged and sipped at her cup of tea.
“I see.”
My fingertips tipped on my cup, trying to find a new topic.
But to be honest I knew what I wanted to tell her.
It was hard to find a beginning and as much as I tried to start speaking, it just wouldn’t slide out of my mouth.
My throat felt dry while thinking about my big secret of meeting with Byunghee.
I didn’t know how she would react – if she would be happy for me or if she would skeptically raising an eyebrow.
Because she was my best friend I really hoped that she would support my feelings – and I was afraid that our longterm relationship could break apart.
Was it unnecessary to be afraid about this kind of thing? I didn’t know.
Jinhee watched me with her friendly, big eyes almost like she was trying to encourage me to be open with her.
I didn’t want to lie to her – I wasn’t that kind of person who betrays the trust of other people.
There were times when I comforted her a lot – and now was the time she did the same for me.
“Jinhee, I have to tell you something”, I began slowly while carefully watching her now confused face.
Of course there were signs that something was strange lately – but I never had told her.
The last weeks were mostly puzzling, however there was one single thing I was sure about: I liked Byunghee.

“So what is it?”, Jinhee asked me comfortingly.
“There is someone I like”, I said with a small voice, trying to look at her face.
Surprisingly a small smile appeared on her lips, almost like she already knew it.
“This is nice – I hope he is better than your last boyfriend.”
Her smile started to become a grin and somehow I want to jokingly pinch her cheeks for that.
My former boyfriend didn’t have anything in common with Byunghee – and I didn’t even know if I really liked him.
“You know that it isn’t the same”, I stated and playfully pouted, “I knew him since I was really small and only because he was a pretty good pianist.”
“There you have it – he only wanted to take advantage of you. But you never wanted to believe it.”
I sighed and started to regret bringing up that topic – I didn’t like remembering about him.
“I was young then”, I started but Jinhee throw a skeptical glare towards me.
“It was only four years ago – and when you had realized that he is an eyesore you already had quit playing”, she corrected me with a rigorous face before her face expressions became softer once again.
I knew that she only cared for me and I was thankful for that.
“Sometimes you can be so clueless – so tell me how you’ve met him. What is his name, by the way?”
She started to be really curious and I couldn’t deny her request of some details.
“His name is Byunghee and I’ve met him in the sweet café at the main street. You know which one I mean.”
Jinhee was nodding and I was relieved that she didn’t think that it was strange.
I didn’t tell her lies – and I would never.
“Come on, don’t spare the details”, Jinhee begged and started at me.
I wasn’t sure how to reply and which meeting I should count as our first meeting – but I got the strange feeling that everything began several weeks ago when I’ve just had moved to Seoul.
Only because I told him that he was being noisy I was able to receive his message at the fanmeeting – and wasn’t it the reason why he spoke with me when we’ve met in the café again?
Suddenly everything became clearer.
I was wondering about Byunghee’s intention back then but couldn’t it only be that he tried to find a new friend?
Someone who wasn’t interested in his work or that he was famous – just someone who respected him the way he was?

I didn’t realize that I starred for quite some time into the air and Jinhee had already began to wave with her hands.
“Hey, Sangmi! Don’t drift into your dreamworld before you have told me all the details!”
“I’m sorry”, I mumbled and ignored my heart which started to beat loudly once again.
I grabbed the cup of tea and sipped on it to span over the silence.
“It’s just that I yelled at him that he was acting noisy. And then somehow we’ve met at the café again and we started to talk. It’s really nothing special.”
Jinhee didn’t seem to be satisfied over my answer but she noticed my long silence as well.
“But something is bothering you, isn’t it”, she noticed and bowed her head a bit.
I nodded and bit my lip.
“When I’m with him I feel somehow really strange – it was never like that before.”
Admitting it was kind of embarrassing but Jinhee was the only person I could tell about it.
“Oh, wow. You really like him after all.”
I unintentionally blushed a bit and started to sip on my cup again.
“So what’s the problem?”, Jinhee asked curiously.
“He left for a few weeks because of his work. And before he has left he even kissed me – but even though we did that I’m not sure about his feelings. As for me I already miss him a lot.”
“This must be though.”
Jinhee nodded knowingly, without realizing about whom I was talking about.
Maybe it was a good thing - right now I would never been able to explain it properly to her if she’d find out that the guy I like was G.O.
“But if he kissed you then he must really like you. I mean – you are going out, aren’t you?”
“ We are, kind of…”
“Then don’t worry too much about it. A bit of a distance is good from time to time. Besides that if you really miss him that much isn't it just a proof that your feelings are honest towards him. That’s a good sign, if you ask me.”

She was right.
Byunghee never gave me a reason to doubt his affection – more likely he tried to protect me.
Wasn’t this enough?
When he was coming back after all these weeks and my feelings haven't change until then I would confess to him.
Confessing how much I needed him – and how much he disturbed my heart only by knowing him nearby.
But I already knew that my feelings towards him wouldn’t change – and I hoped it would apply for him as well.

I wouldn’t be wimpy from now on.

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Author-Note: End of the wimpy chapters for the time being OTL The next ones will be different.