~ The Second Movement ~
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Chapter Eleven - Farewell Sonata

It was hard for me to instantly change my life – back to the point when I had let go of my old self so many years ago.
Neither could I play violin with my whole heart anymore nor call my parents who still insisted on me coming back to them.
Byunghee was right – and I didn’t want to run away again,even though I didn’t want to face myself.
Yes, I was running away.
Moving to Seoul, leaving my parents behind – trying to justify everything with the fact that Jinhee moved here as well and that she started a new, better life.
But the truth was that it wasn’t better for me.
College held me busy with all the schedules, paperwork and studying – and I had to pay my household fees too.
Maybe I found a bit of distraction in working and studying – but it would be never a solution.
I couldn’t ignore all the calls of my parents forever – and when I was honest with myself I wasn’t so sure if I really was the old Sangmi like the one back in my hometown.
Normally I was the one cheering my friends up and caring for them but now it seemed like that I was only a nuisance – the one who actually needed to be cheered up.
Jinhee had her own life – and though I called her almost every day I felt like a bad friend.
I hadn’t told her anything yet – I didn’t tell her that I have been meeting Byunghee for several times now and I hadn’t told her that I was meeting with a guy in general.
She would be curious about things like that – any girl would be and to be honest I would like to hear from her that she had a guy she actually likes.
So was I really acting that strange now because I didn’t even want to tell my best friend about it?
I wanted to tell her a lot; not only this thing – but I couldn’t.
I couldn’t tell her or Byunghee what was really in my mind; what I was agonizing over.
There was no way that I could tell them that I felt like ending my life three years ago.
I was just one, single disappointment.

It was almost Tuesday evening and I still didn’t know when Byunghee wanted to visit me.
He had told me that he would be busy earlier this day and I could understand that – I even understood that he only texted me one single time per day.
Of course he was busy but he tried to apologize in his text messages about being unable to send it earlier anyway.
I really tried to not make him worry about me – and I really tried to keep some distance as well.
When I was sending a message to him I wrote it really simple and neutral without including my feelings for him.
I wouldn’t show him how much I needed him right now beside me – how much I needed his support to let go of my fading façade.
It wasn’t that good if I relied too much on him – first of all I started to be bothersome instead of acting like a good friend and the second thing was that he had enough to do with his work.
It was fine the way it was right now.

The magical and beautiful melody of Vivaldi’s third opus number ten was flowing in my whole apartment.
It was hard for me to play it on my own in my current state – but I really loved it to listen to the music of my childhood.
I opened my cupboard and pulled out a small bag with cookies – the last one being in there.
My fridge was almost empty too but I didn’t have the chance to go to the grocery store because of my work but on the way home I bought two pieces of strawberry cake.
I wasn’t sure if Byunghee liked strawberries or if he really liked cakes – but I couldn’t offer him more if he really paid me a visit.
Tuesday was a really busy day for me but at least I was able to finish reading texts for college and this was already a hard task.
I threw a glance to the clock which was hanging on the small kitchen wall – it was already past seven.
Maybe he still had to work – I didn’t know.
I prepared the two pieces of cake on two separated plates and put them back to the fridge, going back to my living room and checking if everything was completely clean.
The mess from my college homework which was normally on the small table was already safely stored in one shelf and tried to fill the room with some plants.
But I couldn’t help that this still didn’t feel like my home.

I grabbed my mobile phone and watched the display saying that there weren’t any messages of him.
“Stupid idiot”, I mumbled and sat down on my small couch, frustratingly zapping through the TV program.
After I zapped a few seconds through the TV program I finally found a good looking drama and grabbed a pillow to hug it and enjoy the show when suddenly the door bell rung.
I immediately jumped of the couch and put the pillow back from where I picked it up.
A glance to the clock told me that it was half past eight – Byunghee really took his time after I waited half of the day for him.
I crossed my arms in front of me and went really slowly to the door only to make him to wait longer.
Maybe it was too much to be angry about him – but at least he could have sent a message, couldn’t he?
But when I opened the door and I looked in his perfect face I couldn’t be angry anymore.
Byunghee didn’t wear any sunglasses this time and he didn’t wear anything to hold back his black hair.
He probably put them in the bag of his jacket when he entered the building after remembering that only families lived in here and they wouldn’t come out at a time like this anyway.
His clothing wasn’t black this time instead he wore a light blue T-shirt and blue jeans – but still, it really matched with his hair.
Byunghee put up a small smile on his lips when he saw me and I could recognize in his eyes that he was terribly sorry for being that late.
“Good evening, Sangmi – Sorry, but I was busy for longer than I expected”, he said with a soft, regretful voice and I just nodded.
“Please come in”, I simply said and waited for him to enter my apartment.

My old CD was still running and filling the room with gentle music and I could see it in his face that he noticed it right away.
“Oh, is that Vivaldi too?”, he asked me as soon as he sat down on the couch.
“It is”, I replied and sat down next to him.
“I really like this”, he said with another smile and his deep brown eyes focused on mine.
I got distracted by his sweet sounding voice and watched him with a confused expression.
“I can switch it off, if you want”, I offered him and stretched my arms to the cd-player on the shelf beside the couch to push the stop-button but he hold me back.
His gentle, warm hand wrapped around mine again and gave me almost the same feeling like the days back when he grabbed my hand before – but this time he simply stopped me for a second.
“You don’t have to stop it – I’m honest if I say I like it”, he added and pulled his hand back.
Even though he only touched me for a second my heart started beating loudly again.
“I’m sorry”, I told him and sighed.
Something was just odd.
“If you are listening to Vivaldi again – then are you playing your violin as well?”, he asked me out of curiosity and watched me closely.
Being watched by him made me feel safe – but at the same time it confused me even more.
“I didn’t dare to play yet”, I honestly replied and sighed again, trying to ignore the feeling of being bothersome again.
“Take your time, don’t push yourself too hard”, was the only thing he replied before he took a glance on the TV which was still running.

I looked at him how he was sitting there on my small couch, having his long legs wide open while his hands rested on his knees.
He really looked confident and somehow innocent how he was sitting there – like it would be his home.
Even though he asked me if he could visit me today because he had something to tell me he didn’t speak and watched TV instead; nodding with his head in agreement when the main protagonist did something right.
I noticed the small, dark rings around his eyes and I felt somehow bad for meeting up with him when he seemed to be extremely tired.
“Are you alright?”, I carefully asked him and he turned his head to me.
Byunghee really seemed to be confused about my question and he quickly over his lips.
“I’m alright – why do you ask?”
“Because you look really tired”, I replied to him and pointed with my fingertip to his eyes.
He touched his cheeks like he was trying to feel it while he looked at me with these innocent, round eyes.
“Oh that”, he mumbled while he was awkwardly sliding on the couch, “I was just busy with work. It’s nothing new, actually. It's always like that when a busy schedule is coming up.”
“If you are feeling too tired you can go, I won’t stop you”, I honestly offered him but he only shook his head.
“I wanted to meet you today – so it’s fine. Besides that, are you alright?”
I wasn’t sure what I should reply when he asked me if I was alright.
In fact I wasn’t – but I wouldn’t tell him.
“I am”, I lied as good as I could and tried to look into his eyes.
“That’s a lie.”
There was no way that he wouldn’t see that I was lying.
I was a bad liar – but besides that he already knew that it was too much for me right now.


“It will take some time until I recover, but I can do that – so please don’t be worried about me”, I said with a soft tone and tried to put up a small smile.
“This may be true, but even though…”
Byunghee sighed and he looked somehow really frustrated.
“What is it?”, I asked him, still confused about how he was acting right now.
Since he had entered my apartment he was somehow different from before – and I knew that there had to be a meaning behind it.
It was obvious that he was tired; that he had a busy day behind him and that he needed some rest – but still, he had decided to pay me a visit only to comfort me.
“Sangmi, you know…”, he began slowly, turning his body a bit more in my direction and looked deeply in my eyes that my heart almost skipped, “I really want to make sure that you are alright.”
I wasn’t sure what he was trying to say so I just nodded.
“I know.”
“No - you don’t. There is something I wanted to tell you, so I came to you personally today. And I actually don’t have a lot time to tell you this before I have to leave.”
The climate of our conversation suddenly changed and I was confused about it.
“What do you mean?”, I asked him and my voice was almost a whisper.
“I won’t be here starting tomorrow. We will fly to Japan for a few days, right after that we will head to the U.S – and after that we have plans on visiting Thailand. I won’t have any time for at least the next three weeks.”
So that was what he wanted to tell me.
It almost felt like my heart stopped beating – and I felt left alone.
I knew that something like that would come sooner or later – that he wouldn’t be around.
It also explained why he was that incredibly busy the past days and why he couldn’t contact me as much as he had before.
“I know it’s pretty hard for you at the moment but I can’t be there for you in the following time. I’ll try to call you from time to time but it will be really hard because of the different time zones and our tight schedules. So I came over to make sure you are really alright. I don’t want to leave you here in Korea while I know that you need me.”

I knew that he was honest about what he had said.
I still haven’t understood why he was so worried about me all the time or why he even started to like me a bit – but I was glad that he was around.
But knowing that everything would change – I was so used to to having his text messages showing up on my display for the past weeks.
I was used that he tried to comfort me while knowing nothing about me or my past.
And yet he would leave me alone.
Even though I tried not to cling too much on him I already did it.
My only option was lying.
I couldn’t hold him back anyway.

“It’s fine you don’t have to be worried about me. It can’t be helped because it’s your work after all.”
I tried my best to sound neutral again; the way I should sound while talking to friend but something inside me knew that I didn’t sound like that.
That I simply wasn’t able to be like that.
“You are such a bad liar Sangmi”, he said with a gentle smile and suddenly patted my head. “That’s why I came over instead of texting you – only so that I could comfort you a bit.”
His intention was really sweet and I was happy that he did that for me – but at the same time I felt my heart breaking.
I couldn’t hold my feelings back; couldn’t hold back that I needed him here.
It has to be written all over my face – and I knew he saw it.
“You started liking me, didn’t you?”, he said calmly, still patting my head.
I blushed after I heard what he said and pulled back my head so that he was unable to touch me.
Of course he had to notice it – I was really stupid.
He seemed rather surprised and looked at me with this innocent, confused face expression.
“Did I say something wrong? I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to hurt you.”
“You didn’t.”
I turned my head, trying not to look at his face anymore.

This was just awkward.
Byunghee remained silent and even though I couldn’t see him I was sure that he watched me.
I only wished for a normal meeting with him – but I guessed this would never happen.
“I’ll have to leave now”, he suddenly said and I felt that he was standing up from the couch.
I couldn’t help to look at the clock which told me that it was nine.
So he really didn’t have any time after all…
“It’s alright. Japan is really nice, I guess”, I said and stood up as well. “And I’m sure you are going to be happy during the next weeks.”
I bit my lip after I realized again that I wouldn’t see him for at least three weeks and went to the door.
“I will have fun for you too”, he said and followed me close by.
I opened the door for him and turned around, to see his face for the last time.
“I wish you a nice trip.”
I tried to be strong, but I didn’t know how long it would last.

Byunghee just stepped beside me but instead of leaving he grabbed my wrist.
Before I could stop him he already pressed his soft, warm lips on mine and my heart instantly started skipping beats once again.
There wasn’t any air anymore and I felt the heat in our small kiss.
It didn’t last long.
As suddenly as he started the kiss he ended it again, looking deeply into my eyes and giving me a small, gently smile while his fingertips over the back of my hand.
“I’ll come back safely – I promise.”