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  F O U R T E E N  

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“,” Was the first thing I said when I stared at his bicep, the used bandage in my hand, rivulets of red covering his tanned skin. 

“They got you good,” I whispered, as I grabbed a bottle of water and poured it into a washbasin. Placing a towel in it, I waited for it to soak up the water as I inspected the area. The bullet was visible; a silver stone inside his flesh, and dried blood and pus was crusted against the wound. There was still some bleeding, as the bullet was blocking the cut from closing, but luckily it hadn’t become extremely infected yet. Grabbing the towel and placing it over the cut, Yong Guk hissed, but I continued wiping at the area with determination. His pale skin began showing again as I dabbed at it, and I rummaged in the bag for tweezers. I found a small silver pair and sterilized it with the rubbing alcohol, making sure that it was clean before I touched it to his skin.

“You’re not going to ing touch me with that.”

“I have to. Luckily, the wound isn’t infected yet, but if we leave the bullet in there-”

“No. Leave me alone,” He said, trying to push me away, but winced as he moved his wounded arm. I frowned at him and looked him straight in the eye, not once leaving his gaze. “It’s either this or the hospital, and I’m willing to make the call myself. Choose one,” I said, glaring furiously at him. He paused for a couple seconds before grabbing the tool in my hands. “I’ll do it myself,” He barked, preparing to pull the silver ball out, but I wrenched it from his hands. “Do you think you can do it in this condition? Stop arguing with me, or I will make this as painful as possible,” I snapped, yanking his shoulders so that they faced me. Looking carefully at the wound, I rinsed the area with alcohol as well before placing the tweezers in and gently nudging the bullet out.

Yong Guk bit his lip, closing his eyes from the pain.

I carefully pried at the silver, breathing sharply when I heard Yong Guk let out a small groan. As I plucked the piece out, I felt him shiver, and I quickly applied pressure to the cut as it bled.

There were a couple moments of silence before he spoke again.

“Why’d you try to shoot him?” He asked, sitting upright and leaning against the headboard. His tawny hair was mussed and he was breaking out in a sweat from the ordeal, but he still looked handsome as ever. There was a sadness etched on his face, however, every time he looked at me, which made me uncomfortable and twitchy.  His brown eyes constantly scanning mine, I broke the gaze and threw away the bloodied bandages. Preparing to dispose of the bullet as well, he suddenly grabbed my hand and pried the metal from my fingers. Rolling it his palm, he stared at it as he pressed on with his question. “Why’d you do something so stupid, Io?” He asked, his eyes not once leaving the bullet.  

“He deserved that for what he did to my brother,” I said, wanting to avoid the question.

“Yeah, he did,” Yong Guk said bitterly. 

“You- you think so?” I asked, looking at him in surprise. He agreed with me?

“He did. He’s a greedy, thieving mastermind. But did you even think twice about what you were going to do? Can you handle the guilt, the burden of taking responsibility for his life?” He asked harshly, his voice hard and angry now. “After you killed him, wouldn’t you be the same as him? Do you think you could continue living on normally knowing that you’d done that?” He was seething now, running his hands through his hair in frustration. “I didn’t let you into this group so that you could take revenge on someone, Io. I let you in because I thought you had the determination and bravery to do so. B.A.P isn’t a place for you to let your anger out – it’s just a rest stop. You can’t do this forever, and it was meant to be a place where you can think about what you want to become in the future. I allow you to use your physical abilities when you work with us – but I’ve never once given consent to shoot someone!” 

He shook his head at me in disbelief. I felt a pang of anger that he was reprimanding me when he had no right to. “I did it because of my brother,” I snapped, but he ignored any attempt at defense.

“That’s a lie. You still don’t understand, do you?” He asked, shaking his head.

“My brother’s dead, Yong Guk. My brother’s dead – how else can I make that bastard repent for what he’s done-”

“The dead don’t repent, Io!” Yong Guk snarled, his anger a fiery blaze, his words scorching me as he spat them out. “Had you killed him, you would have been a wanted convict forever. They would charge you and put you on trial for that. You need to be smarter next time, to know that this is just a trap. That bastard was more intelligent than you were – he had backup and used his mind, while you continued to use your feelings and dived into the fray headfirst! Do you think your brother would want that? If you had shot him, your only options in life would be your death or an eternity in prison. And that’s the trap that they’re setting up, Io, that’s what they want from you! Your life!” He snarled, grabbing my shoulders. Shaking them weakly, he lowered his head and breathed in deeply. “Nic doesn’t care about his life. He’s killed so many people that he barely remembers your brother. And that’s why we have to work together to overpower him not by killing him, but by bringing their gang to jail. We need to use the law against them, and not bring the law against us,” He said, giving my shoulders another shake.  

“We need to make them feel what we’ve gone through – a hundred times worse,” He said, looking for understanding in my face.

I looked at him, and he pressed my forehead to mine gently. “You have no idea how much responsibility I feel for you, do you?” He said, staring at me.

“I- I just-“

“Please. Promise me you won’t ever do that again,” he said, resting his head on my shoulder.

I froze, not knowing what to do with the sudden warmth of his body so close to mine.

“Please?” He asked, his cheek touching my neck.

I sighed, before brushing my hand across his hair.  “I don’t want to follow what you say. I want to kill him. I don’t want to ever see his face again because it already haunts me every night. And I don’t feel like the law will ever compensate for what he did to my brother – but I’ll wait. I’ll do what you want,” I said, looking at him silently, “but that’s only because I trust you.” 

“Then trust me forever,” He said, bringing his face up to mine again.

I looked away, my heart thumping in my chest. What the was he doing? I’m supposed to be a boy!  I said in my mind, even though I felt a sudden happiness in my chest as he looked at me.

“How can I?” I said hoarsely. “We won’t see each other for that long.”

“I know.” He said, leaning back now, a chill turning up at my skin once his body left mine. “Which is all the more reason why you should trust me now, Jung __________” he said, pulling the blankets over his head. I sat next to him, shocked at how he seemed to pull away from me immediately, and disappointed that he hadn’t wanted to be near me for longer. He’d put the walls around him again, surrounding himself with an impenetrable fortress that he used to protect others from him. I wondered what he was hiding, and how I could make him trust me instead, when a huge realization hit me.    

He’d just said my real name-

Even though I’d never told him what it was.