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E L E V E N  

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As I stepped into the casino, I coughed wildly as my vision blurred. Yong Guk didn’t seem to have such a hard time adjusting, but I couldn’t help it.

Above the noise and flashing lights, the first thing I could distinguish was the heady scent of smoke. 

It hovered over everything else in the room, and no matter how much perfume or the casino owners sprayed, they couldn’t get rid of it. It was like a blood stain on a carpet – no matter how hard you tried to mask the morbidity of it, it wouldn’t go away. My eyes watering slightly, I rubbed them dry as I stared around my surroundings and felt my heart drop. People were sitting in utter concentration, completely focused on trying to win money. There was such a maniac, primal look in their eyes that you could immediately tell most of these were people were addicts, hooked on the hope of winning something. It was almost as if the games at the casino were so fatal that playing them for the first time could mean a life of serving the machines themselves; while the owner of this casino looked on them,  laughing at their foolishness while he bathed in their wealth. 

Shaking my head in frustration, I bumped into a stranger and nearly toppled over.

“Damn, how am I supposed to work with such a clumsy partner?”

Yong Guk growled at me and sighed as I looked up at him in embarrassment. “Can’t be helped – you are a girl after all,” he said sighing, as he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me to his lean, muscular side. Angry that he’d used my gender against me, I pulled away from him in search of independence, but he clutched on to me instead of letting go. “You’re walking too far away from me. Get closer,” he said as he gripped my arm, maneuvering me across the hordes of people banging at the slot machines. “If I can’t see your annoying little rabbit face, then you’re too far away from me.”

“I don’thave an annoying little rabbit face-” I said, but he ruffled my hair.

“Just don’t get lost from me, alright?” He snapped, looking to the left.

I nodded sullenly, but felt a twinge of happiness that he was concerned. Sticking closer, I jumped as my track jacket touched his bare arm. I could feel his warmth, and felt my heart race as he looked down at me. Suddenly he seemed so tall, so much more powerful than I was, and instead of scaring me it made me feel like he was reliable, like he could protect me.  We looked at each other for a while before he turned away, rubbing at his neck self-consciously, while I blushed. I tucked a stray hair behind my ear nervously as I tried not to glance at him again.

What the hell was wrong with me?

We’re on a mission, ________, a mission.  My emotions were running at an erratic speed, and I attempted to slow them down as best as I could. Trying my best to focus, I scanned my surroundings until I saw him.

A huge crowd was gathered at a long, green table, most of the audience cheering on the players, while a selected handful wore masked expressions on their faces. Tapping the board impatiently as the dealer dealt the cards, even amongst such a huge crowd I could remember that face anywhere. Sleazy, designer clothes, with that sparkling watch mocking me as it glinted in my face. Rings studded with diamonds and rubies adorned his fingers, while his eyes looked greedily upon the poker chips in his hands. His haircut had changed since the last time I saw him, with a streak of red dyed at the bangs, but I knew right away who he was. I felt anger well up in me and bristled, wanting to take my hands and place them around his neck tightly. I would never let go, demanding his life before I could move on and find peace from my brother’s death. What he did couldn’t be allowed forgiveness, and I had promised myself and my brother that. My brother’s killer would never be given a second chance.

Looking at Yong Guk again, I saw him glance from me to the man.

“. Is that who I think he is?”  He asked, looking angry.  I noticed him bristling next to me, and remembered that he had some history with the gang. “He’s an old friend of mine,” I said to him nonchalantly.

“There’s no way you know Nic,” he said, frowning.

“Just let me say a little hello,” I said, weaving my way throughout the crowd.

Walking over to the table, I watched as the man laughed and scooped up a pile of poker chips into his arms. Having won, he hoarded his money, infatuated with delight at his jackpot. Although the guilty and regretful faces surrounding him already displayed their loss, he kept showing it off by rubbing it in the faces of the other players. “Well, I suppose no one does have a poker face quite like mine,” he chided, as one man seethed in anger, clutching his fingers into a tight fist. Victory displayed on his face, I walked nearby and grabbed one of his poker chips, turning it around the table slowly. Suddenly, the eyes of the crowd were all on me, and I saw Yong Guk as well, shaking his head in what seemed to be a signal for “don’t do it.” Smirking, I flicked the poker chip, and it landed at the tip of his chin before he glared at me. “Hey, little boy, what the are you-”

“Haven’t we met before?” I asked him, as he glared at me.

“I don’t have time for nasty delinquents like you. off and learn to play, or get away from my money,” He snarled, glaring at me.

“I always thought the proper way to greet someone was hello, especially with old friends like us,” I said, shrugging, as I leaned one hand on the table. “But I guess you’ve never learned your manners, haven’t you?”

“This kid” he said, laughing nervously, as the poker players looked at me with sudden interest.

“How sad,” I said, as I took off my hat and flung it to the ground. “That you don’t remember me.”

He glared at me contemptuously. “SECURITY!” He yelled in anger. “THIS KID IS TRYING TO TAKE AWAY MY WINNINGS!” He bellowed, although it was to no avail. The poker dealer was looking at me with bemusement, waiting for a fight to happen and interrupt his boring day of staring at cards and chips. The audience was already riled from the game before and couldn’t wait for this sudden plot twist to happen. And although people were what brought in money for the casino, it was also its disadvantage - the large hordes made it difficult for any security to hear the cries or pay attention to any of the players. The casino had suddenly become my playing ground, and instead of earning chips, I’d get the sweet success of revenge towards my brother’s killer. I’d planned and thought of this day for years, and only mere days after joining B.A.P, I was in a position to kill him. I smiled, realizing that I’d done the right thing by joining this gang.

“Are you scared right now? Good. Because that emotion that makes you scared – that’s what I felt a year ago. But I hardened my heart. I stopped feeling. And now I’m here to finish you off.” I said, smiling at him wickedly.

“SECURITY!” He blared again, as I stepped closer to his face. He looked weak.

“You can’t fight when you’re not drunk, huh?” I asked, smirking at him.

He sat in a stunned silence.

And that’s when I knew- I wanted him to drop dead, not later, but right now.

“One year ago,” I said, my shaking as I felt the extent as to what I was about to do. I felt the knife in my pocket and I felt the gun hidden in the ankle of my sneakers. A precaution, Yong Guk had said, but I knew better – they were tools that would bring justice to my brother. A sudden quiet lingered in the atmosphere, telling me that the audience had now hushed, and I realized that I wasn’t scared anymore. I felt my anger fuelling me, telling me to finish him off so that I’d never have to think about him again. Years of pain and bitterness would disappear once I disposed of him and brought revenge for my brother. “One year ago, you killed my brother,”

The poker dealer’s eyes widened, while the audience gasped.

“Jung Kwang Su. Isn’t that name familiar to you? You killed him as he tried to protect me. You tried to touch me, so my brother protected me.”

He suddenly laughed mirthlessly, a vicious laugh that cut my soul.

“Children these days have such large imaginations-”

“Children? You call me a child? I watched my brother die, something that most adults can’t even begin to comprehend. I waited, and I suffered until I turned the legal age of an adult this year. Do you know how much I wished to die, wished to kill myself – while all this time, you were laughing, not even thinking about how you took away someone’s life?”

He stared at me coldly now, hissing at me.

“You ing , are you now accusing me of being a murderer?”

“That’s why I hate you. My brother was saving me because you assaulted me, and in the end we got punished and you didn’t. You ran away with a clean slate while I remained without any members of my family – and that’s why I remind you - that although you escaped the law, you’ll never be able to escape from me. My memories repeat to me daily what I already know in my heart, that my brother’s dead and he’ll never come back. And because you killed him so mercilessly, I’ve come back to kill you the way you killed him.”

Smiling at him evilly, I pulled out my loaded gun and heard the satisfying click of it as I put my thumb on the trigger.

“NO!” I heard a loud yell from Yong Guk as I stared at Nic, seconds away from shooting.

I tried my best to ignore him. A loud bang echoed throughout the casino with a crack, and the crowd began to disperse, yells and cries of anguish ringing in my ears. Instead of feeling satisfaction at having murdered Nic, however, I felt strange and unsettled, as if I weren’t human. It was like I was floating – I had murdered the twisted criminal, but something felt wrong. Glancing around me, I couldn’t hear anything – the gun had tuned off my hearing for a while, leaving me deaf. And that was when I realized that there was no blood in front of me as I’d expected. I saw the flash of a white suit disappear through the crowd, a trademark symbol of Nic, and stood in shock. Looking behind me in horror, I saw Yong Guk gripping his arm, his face contorted in agony as blood flowed from his wound. Two shiny bullets were encased in his flesh, and he cried out in pain as another shot rang out and stabbed his leg. Frozen and unable to help, I saw someone pointing a sniper at him and lunged at him, trying to pack a punch until I saw Himchan dislocate his shoulder from behind. Jong Up had a furious look on his face, but was already in action, slamming another of Nic’s recruits into the wall.

“Yong Guk-ah-” I said, as I felt a hot, burning sensation begin to form at the back of my throat. My words were being brought into sentences as I stared at the scene in front of me.  Choking on my words, my hands reached at the ground, trying to get near him.

"Yong Guk- ah, YONG GUK AH!"  

My knees having fallen to the floor, I crawled to his side, where his eyes were half-lidded and he looked dazed, his blood sinking into the red of the felt carpet. Grabbing on to his shoulders, I wanted to tell him to wake up, to move, but I didn't want to hurt him. Flashes of the scene with my brother, when there was blood around everything and people were screaming and the chaos that had ensued sped through my mind, my nightmare having become real once again. And that was when I felt it, a drop on my cheek, and I knew that I was crying. "I got you, Yong Guk, stay with me buddy," I said out loud, to no one, as I ripped off a part of my shirt, tying it around his wounds. I cradled his leg wound, his blood covering my fingers thickly, and suddenly I was scared. I didn't want him to die. He didn't deserve to die. Nic did.

Why was everyone that I loved getting hurt? 

And what had I just done? 

Placing him in a sitting position, and leaning him against me, I cried into his chest. “I’m so, so sorry-”

He smiled weakly at me.

“It's okay, I promised to protect you,” he said, closing his eyes as he fainted. 

“YONG GUK AH!” I screamed, as Young Jae glared at me.

“You ,” he snapped, as he hoisted Yong Guk’s shoulder over his. Jong Up quickly did the same with his other side, but I clung to Yong Guk as waves of pain overcame me. “Please, don’t take me from him – please,” I begged, but Young Jae kicked my leg and I cried out.

“Get away from us,” He snapped, and I fell to the ground, sobbing loudly.

"NO, PLEASE - YONG GUK!" I screamed, deranged, as I felt someone touch my shoulder. I lashed out, missing Yong Guk's warmth, his blood sticky on my hands and my heart feeling crushed. "GET AWAY FROM ME! YONG GUK! YONG GUK-AH!" I yelled in desperation. 

Suddenly, strong arms wrapped around me, cradling me tightly against their chest, as I gripped onto the owner’s shirt and cried. “Don’t you ing talk to her like that!” Himchan yelled at Young Jae as he held on to me tightly, my hair. “Shhh,” He said, his lips brushing over my forehead, trying to reassure me. “You’ll be okay, you’ll be okay,” He said as he held me to him. “It wasn’t your fault, baby. It wasn’t,” He said, as I clutched on to him, feeling helpless and worthless. The tears wouldn’t stop, and I felt sick and messy. I felt disgusting, as if I were a disease to myself, and I kept repeating the vision of Yong Guk in my mind.

“I hate myself, Himchan,” I whispered, as I closed my eyes, sobbing.