He wanted go back

He would have liked to go dorms 

No, not the dorms

 Back home with his parents, or his grandparents back in the village 

Any of them

roll himself in blankets

And stay there

 

Now as he sat on the floor, He wanted to go back

Home, 

But  

More like back in time. 

 

But he remembered the morning. 

That very morning

 

So, he let himself hide

under the cap

under Jongin's neck

and under the pretense nothing happened

Nothing had changed

But when he looked at Chanyeol, for a moment, and saw his blinding smile, he remembered the first time he saw a bright smile aimed at him, that wasn’t family or a recruiter. He remembered the room where Tao had smiled at him like that.

Now,

He just remembers crying in each other's embrace while bleeding sweat and blood to make it.

Tears flowing

 

From the way Tao looked as he was leaving, to finally accepting he would not come back, the day passed in a blur for Kyungsoo. He realized every minute that Tao had left. 

When they started practicing without them. The choreography was adjusted to accommodate their absence, and he learned it. 

He learned the choreography, they learned the choreography, and practiced it.

Over and over again. 

He learned it like a reflex

Like he did not want to go to the boot camp, or the TV show, or any sort of punishment for not keeping up. 

He learned choreography that did not have his best friend, the first of his friends there. It hurt him, knowing they won’t be together from that day.

Thinking back, back when he was just new to this building.

 

Kyungsoo was assigned to Chinguline but he knew he truly belonged in the Maknae line. He found it easier to be with the maknaes than others.

Tao had a lot to do with that. 

Tao and he had practiced together since the beginning. It began with being in the same initiation and boot camp, they were placed in the same group.
 

So, when Tao dragged him, he went, Tao’s friends became his friends.  The only time they didn’t spend together was during vocal training for Kyungsoo and rap training for Tao. 

This continued even after they debuted.

When they first met at the initiation camp, Tao was tall. He was much taller than Kyungsoo and several others. On his own, Tao was an excellent performer, but because of the language barrier, he lagged behind.

Thinking back on that day, made Kyungsoo feel even more tears spill out.

 

Kyungsoo walked towards the backyard with his lunch, as usual. The backyard had few benches. They must have some purpose. but for Kyungsoo, it was to provide peace and tranquility as he ate lunch there. Since it was hot out, no one would bother to come out here. It was quite a long walk, from his session room to the backyard. But everyone was busy having lunch in air conditioned rooms.

Suddenly, he heard a thud from the room he had just passed. He looked back, just in time to see a tall boy stumble out in a hurry. He looked desperate, hiding his lunch under his shirt and looking around. Kyungsoo heard voices coming from the room saying, 

'Oh come on, you don’t even have to eat, the manager can get you anything you want! C’mon chinese boy!' 

'Heck yeah, give us your lunch' and stopped when the door closed. 

The boy looked terrified as he was still looking around. The place was new to everyone, the layout wasn't familiar to them yet. When he saw Kyungsoo looking at him, he flinched. But he flinched more when he heard the door open. He was close enough for Kyungsoo to see the panicked expression, even without his glasses.

Kyungsoo grabbed his hand and ran into the nearest room. It happened to be the vocal practice room where Kyungsoo practiced in the morning. His actions surprised not only him, but also the boy he had pulled.

 

“Are you okay?” Kyungsoo asked as he let go of the boy. He checked from the small glass pane, whether they were being followed.

“Ummm…Thank you,” the boy mumbled out in broken Korean, “ummm…I eat…um,” the boy fumbled, “eat...out?”

“You can eat here,” Kyungsoo told him in Mandarin. 

The boy stared at him with surprise on his face, “you can speak Mandarin??? how did you know I speak Mandarin??”

“There are only Mandarin trainees here besides the Korean ones,” Kyungsoo replied, adjusting his glasses. He looked around for a place to sit.

“Not true!!! There are Thai trainees as well!! But dude!!! You speak Mandarin!!” the boy jumped around him.

“Only the basics,” Kyungsoo replied.

The sofa behind them was littered with personal belongings and several bottles of water. He chose to sit on the floor next to the door. That way, he could intervene if someone came in. He gestured to the boy to sit on the sofa. But the boy was too excited to do that. He was now smiling ear to ear. 

“You can understand me, right? When I talk? What am I talking about?” he asked as he sat right in front of him.

Kyungsoo looked up, hoping his glare would scare him. But the boy continued smiling. And he dropped his head, like those fancy hip hop dances, to look at  Kyungsoo.

“I can understand what you are saying,” Kyungsoo said as he unpacked his lunch. The boy followed his actions. They laid out their packed lunches, each removing what they didn't like and asking through gestures to exchange those.

“That’s fine Dude!! I am so glad there’s someone besides the manager-ssi that speaks Mandarin!!! It was killing me not to talk to anyone!! Like literally anyone! And having to wait for everything to be translated is such a pain! I can't even start at the same time as others!!! I am always a step behind!!! I mean, I can understand the steps, get the rhythm of the dance, and sing as well!! But Korean is not easy! Plus they want me to learn English as well!! Do you know how difficult that language is?” not that he waited for Kyungsoo to answer, “it is incredibly difficult!!! I can’t believe how difficult this is then the sports camp I went to last year!!! The manager said that there are Chinese trainees as well but I haven’t met them yet. Have you met them? This kimbap needs more spice!”

Kyungsoo nodded at that, the kimbap was too dry and mild.

“So do you know anyone other than me from China?” The boy asked.

“No,” Kyungsoo replied.

“Yeah, even the Thai trainees are having trouble with learning Korean but they have their own group, I guess.  How come they did not pair me up with you? You clearly know Mandarin,” asked the boy with his mouth full and immediately looking for something to wipe his mouth with.

“They don’t know that I know,” he replied, as he passed a few spare tissues from his pocket.

“Thanks!!” the boy smiled, “they don’t know you know Mandarine???” he asked with a frown, “How come??”

He gave him a candy in exchange, which Kyungsoo accepted with a small thanks and said,“I did not tell them.”

“Did you fill up the same form as I did? They clearly ask for languages you speak,” asked. He got up and gestured towards his empty water bottle, Kyungsoo nodded. The boy got more than necessary bottles for the two of them.

“I can understand, not speak,” Kyungsoo explained the loophole and accepted the bottle with a nod conveying his thanks.

“Ahh! Got it! By the way, I am Tao. Wait wait wait,” he sat up straight and said,

“'Hello, I am Tao, nice to meet you!!' How was that?” he asked excitedly as he sat down.

“That was good,” Kyungsoo said, surprised how neutral it sounded. Tao laughed at his face and said,

“Thanks!! I still cannot believe I found you!! More like you found me!!! But whatever!!! Now we can totally talk more often!! What a great day!!!!”

“You mean, you will talk,” Kyungsoo said.

Tao threw his head back to laugh out loud. Kyungsoo was worried he would snap his head. He continued talking at a non stop speed to Kyungsoo about everything under the sun.
Starting with how similar yet different everything was, how people here were nice but he did not understand it, how he wanted to explore but got scared since he lost his way back on the first day, and so on. They finished their lunch and switched their juice boxes by the time the bell for the next session rang. Kyungsoo got up, as did Tao.

Tao gestured towards Kyungsoo's hands. Kyungsoo frowned. 

“I can throw them away for you, you know, as a thanks for talking to me.”

“Listening to you,” Kyungsoo corrected.

“Yeah, that! So can I?” Tao pleaded with a small smile and raised eyebrows.

“No,” said Kyungsoo as he neatly arranged the trash bag.

“Please??! Let me! You have no idea how thankful I am to be able to talk, just…” Tao said, moving closer to him.

“No,”  Kyungsoo said, putting his bag behind him so that Tao couldn't take it from him. Tao pouted at him, so he said, “let’s do it together.”

Tao dropped his pout immediately. But he did not smile, like Kyungsoo expected. Kyungsoo felt as if he had said something wrong. But suddenly Tao hugged him. Tightly, and all Kyungsoo could do was awkwardly pat his back. Kyungsoo could hear silent sniffles, but said nothing. 

When Tao finally dislodged himself, the boys smiled at each other as they made their way out. They threw out trash and bottles in recycle bins, and headed back, all the while Tao tried all the Korean he had learned. Before they split for joining their respective group, he asked Kyungsoo, 

“By the way, what is your name?”

That was the first time, in a very long time, that Kyungsoo could not speak because a laugh escaped from him. He continued to laugh without answering Tao and soon the rush of trainees forced them to go their own ways.

When they met again (more like Tao found him by peeking in every room), Tao crossed his arms and demanded to know his name. He wasn't pleased when Kyungsoo laughed again.

But he did crack a smile before joining in the laughter. Once the laughter had died down, Kyungsoo replied, “Kyungsoo, Doh Kyungsoo. Nice to meet you Tao.”

From then on, Tao and Kyungsoo practiced together during their free time. On Tao’s request, they were bunked together for the rest of boot camp and the initiation as well. They found that they had a lot in common, more than they themselves expected.

They both were martial art students, both had been signed up for multiple practices in the boot camp, both were head hunted by the company, they both had similar food preferences, and so on. In their free time, they often spend it by improving each others’ language, martial arts practice, singing for Tao and dance for Kyungsoo, and generally making plans to visit food eateries nearby. 

Tao did find another boy from China, Lu Han. He would meet up with them occasionally. By the time they were done with the boot camp and final initiation exams, Tao and Kyungsoo were inseparable.

If they were worried about being put in rival groups, they didn't show it. Back in the city center, both were added to the same practice hall and group. Kyungsoo could feel hesitancy from others in approaching him. He wasn't allowed to wear glasses here, so to see better, he had to squint his eyes. Tao did tell him that that made him look scary, but he would openly just laugh at him anytime Kyungsoo glared.

Tao was more free spirited here. Kyungsoo was just as reluctant as ever.

In the city, having more Mandarin speaking trainees and instructors boosted his confidence. He was able to make close friends with not only those from China but also several Korean trainees. They would have soccer practices,  go shopping in markets that catered food like their homes, and simply enjoyed being himself. Kyungsoo couldn't really fault him for being out so often, this was Tao’s reward for staying put for such a long time. Tao still made sure to help Kyungsoo practice dance and his language, only this time Lu Han and others also joined him.

 

Chanyeol was one of the firsts to spend time with Kyungsoo without Tao's pushiness. Minseok Hyung and Sehun were incredibly patient while teaching him choreography, even when others picked up instructions quicker than Kyungsoo. Vocal training was easier to interpret, but with Baekhyun and Jongdae’s company it was more eventful. The three had joined the group as vocalist together, it became inevitable that they leaned on each other. They would often pull him in to harmonize together, long after practice was over. They also joined him in language practices. As they learned from other trainees, and tried to survive the hell, he felt himself growing closer to the group.

They had all worked hard, with each other, and for each other. For some reasons, the competitive streak didn't come in when they were working together. Only when they were playing games, they were at each other's throats. But when they were together, they didn't see each other as rivals, and more like friends. Which was surprising since they were still competing against each other in every goddamn category. 

When they were assigned a dedicated room for dance and vocal room, they knew they had made it! With Junmyeon Hyung as the possible leader and all twelve of them in the same group, Tao and he had searched for each other and hugged tight. It was like a dream come true for both of them.

Post debut, they were even more busier, and incredibly tired but it felt like it was all worth it. The stage, the camaraderie, the audience, the cheers, singing his heart out, and to do it all over again, made Kyungsoo happy.

 

And today

 

But today

 

Today, he saw Tao with his big bag. It was odd considering the practice was in the afternoon. It was odd that his bag appeared fuller than usual. It was odd that he was looking out the gate. It was odd that he didn't turn at Kyungsoo’s call. Kyungsoo ran to him. 

“Tao,” he said. He placed his hand on Tao’s bicep when he felt Tao flinch at the touch, “sorry didn't mean to startle you. What are you doing here? I didn't see you for breakfast.”

Tao looked at him and looked away to say, “I am going back, Kyungsoo.”

“Going back?” Kyungsoo asked as he finally realized what suitcases next to him meant. He looked at the tall boy again, “Tao?”

Tao looked at him for a brief second and then looked away again. Kyungsoo could see his eyes were puffy, his grip on the clutch was tightened and he was now struggling with bags around his neck, “Back home.”

“Okay?” Kyungsoo asked and took the bags from his neck and held them. “When will you be back?” 

“I don't think I will be back,” sniffed Tao.

“What do you mean?” Kyungsoo looked at Tao with widened eyes.

“I am going back because they don’t treat us the same way they do you!!!” sputtered Tao, “and I am tired of pretending it is fine or they will change the way they treat us!!” 

“What? Us and you?” Kyungsoo asked. He felt his heart descend slightly towards his stomach. Maybe Tao did notice things Kyungsoo and others were trying to hide.

“Don’t pretend you don’t know!” blasted Tao with tears streaming down his face, “I know you were one of those who filed a complaint against the manager to the company. I know because I just came back from the meeting! You know they never treat us the same!!!”

“Tao, I am sorry,” Kyungsoo said with his own eyes blinking rapidly, “but they promised they would do something about it! Even Kris Hyung said...”

“Kris Hyung has already left the company, Kyungsoo,” Tao said as he tried to wipe his face. But tears didn't really stop, “He left before the meeting in the morning. Lu Han, and I are leaving today as well. I can’t keep hoping things will get better, when they haven’t changed a bit since the boot-camp. It seems to go on forever now!” he paused and looked at Kyungsoo, tears b both their eyes, “I miss my family Kyungsoo. I miss being in a city I know!! Speaking a language I know! Talking to people without waiting for someone to translate it!!! They won’t even let us go back to visit. I am just tired, Kyungsoo! I just… I just…. I just want to go home, I am just so…” he let out a wail.

Kyungsoo dropped the bag and tugged Tao in for a hug. Tao let go of his clutches and hugged him back just as tightly. Like holding on to sand in one's hand.

Tao had injured himself badly in the last event, and they still expected him to perform. Hyungs had tried to take the dance load off of him, but someone interfered, which is why he was to go for a survival show, even with his injured foot.

It really wasn’t fair.

“Tao, I am sorry. I am really sorry.” Kyungsoo said as he cried into Tao’s shoulder.

“It is not on you,” Tao mumbled between sobs, “it is not about anyone but the company.” 

The next words Kyungsoo whispered “I can…we will…Tao…please…don’t go…” Only to be interrupted by Lu Han wheeling in luggage with a somber expression. Tao raised his head. He stood holding on to Kyungsoo’s shoulder as Lu Han fetched his clutches from the ground. 

Tao saw the blotched face of Kyungsoo and wiped his tears before his own.  Lu Han hugged and nodded at Kyungsoo, before walking to arrange the luggage in the taxi waiting at the gate. Lu Han walked back and forth until the last bag was lifted from Kyungsoo and deposited to the back of the taxi. Lu Han came back to hug Kyungsoo one more time and rushed out to sit in the taxi. Kyungsoo could see the shaking of the shoulders even from a distance.

Tao turned to him and gestured to help him. Kyungsoo held his back as he walked towards the taxi, as Tao’s hand grabbed his shoulder. Once inside, Tao turned to hims and said,

“Bye, my friend, I’ll see you soon,” Tao said, all choked up but still with a smile.

 “I’ll see you soon, my friend,” Kyungsoo said back, ‘more like my best friend ever.’

Tao smiled and hiccuped a cross between a sob and a laugh. Tao swapped him in for one last hug, an apology and a smile on his lips as he closed the door.

The taxi left.

And with that Tao left.

With Kyungsoo standing there, watching as it pulled away.

 

And when he saw Chanyeol’s smile, Tao’s face came to his mind.