PLEASE READ:

This chapter is exactly the same as the one i posted on the 11/03/12, prior to the crash. It is Part One of two parts. This is Kai's POV, the next part will be Lu Han's POV. It will contain exactly the same events, the only difference being the narrator. Part two will be posted up in the coming days. HOWEVER, it will be a little different to Part one, as it will be EXTENDED (by one line of important dialogue). So please dont skip on it.

ENJOY.

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SORRY, (or Part One of a Half)

                A sudden feeling of falling jolts me awake.

                “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” a voice howls.

                “Ughh….” I groan.

                It’s morning and I’m lying face down on the cold-hard floor with a sore back and a bruised chin.

                “What the hell do you think you were doing!?” It’s the same voice resonating through my ears.

                I try to get up, struggling with the return of my aching back. I give up and lie back on the floor, cuddling up with myself to keep as warm as possible.

                “Don’t ignore me!” A foot lodges itself into my side. Pain cripples my ability to speak, and so I try to go back to sleep. “I said, don’t ignore me!”

                “Go away…”I mumble.

                “You…”

                This time, the same foot plants itself in my face.

                “What?!”

                “Don’t give me that tone!” It’s Lu Han, flushed with anger. “You’re the one in wrong. Don’t you dare act innocent,”

                “I didn’t do anything,” It’s way too early in the morning to be arguing. My mind is still hazy with sleep inertia. Even though my eyelids feel like dumbbells and my vision is blurry, I can still see his messy brown hair sticking up in angles I never knew existed. You don’t understand how much I want to touch it.
                Lu Han doesn’t say anything else, but he doesn’t have to. He’s glaring at me. His round eyes seethed into a cold stare. I’m sure many people would find the fire in his eyes to be intimidating, but I don’t. All I see is the darkness hidden behind a fake firewall, guarding something, protecting it until the last embers burn. His darkness is looking down on me, and I’m looking up at him. He’s angelic.

                “Sorry,”

                “Why did you do it?”

                “Because I couldn’t sleep,”

                “Is that so?”

                “No,”

                And then Lu Han left. To the bathroom, I presume.

                As soon as he leaves, I plump back down onto the bedroom floor. I try to get back to sleep, but it doesn’t work. I’m cold. I Crawl to Lu Han’s bed and slip myself in. It’s still warm with both our body heats. I hate feeling the warmth of others, especially sitting on warm chair, but this warmth feels comforting. I guess he’s special. I snuggle underneath his blanket, feeling exactly what I felt last night. I breathe in his intoxicating watery-citrusy scent lingering on his pillow. As I was too engorged in his warmth and scent, I miss the knock on the bedroom door.

                “Is everything alright?” I don’t need to look up to know that it’s Kris.

                “Ye-yeah!” I try to act normal, like I hadn’t been sniffing Lu Han’s pillow.

                “Why are you in Lu Han’s bed?” He sounds as if I did something illegal.

                “Uhh…” There really is no reasonable excuse for being in this position. Not even a plausible lie. “H-his bed is really nice,” Stupid, Jong-In.

                “Right….” He sounds downright confused and a little agitated? “Yeah, well Lu Han better not find you like this. I don’t want to handle his -fits right now,”

                “O-oh, yeah…” I quickly get out of his bed, feeling the cool air seep through every crevice of my body. I miss Lu Han’s warmth already. Now I’m standing in front of Kris, who is fully dressed to keep warm, with nothing but my pyjamas on. I might as well be stark . He glares at me. What’s up with him? “So… Um… anything planned for today?”

                “You have a teaser to film in the afternoon. The rest of us have dance practice,” He bluntly replies. He seems extra cold today, eyebrows crossed together. He’s damn scary.

                “Oh…” I can’t think of anything else to say. Fortunately, I think, Lu Han returns.

                “What are you doing here, Kris?” Lu Han asks accusingly.

                “Just came to see what all the commotion is about. Don’t want anyone being murdered,” he teases, tone devoid of any of the anger he had before with me.

                “If I was to kill Jong-In, it would be very, very quiet. Preferably in his sleep,” Ouch. That’s nice of him. “Now, both of you get out. I need to change.”

                “Yes, sir!” mockingly replies Kris. He doesn’t sound angry anymore. Before taking his leave, he lightly punches Lu Han’s shoulder and gives him a smirk. Who does he think he is, touching him like that?

                I stand still. “That means you too, Kai,” Lu Han teases. Honestly, it feels weird for him to call me ‘Kai’. Even though I’ve only heard him say my real name a few times, I feel as though it suits him to call me ‘Jong-In’. Maybe I just want him to call me by my real name and nothing else.

                “Yeah, yeah”

                “Don’t think that I haven’t forgotten what you did to me last night. That was a violation of my personal space,”

                I hang my head down low, partly from shame and partly from embarrassment, and walk out. Lu Han slams the door behind me, almost as if he shot me in the back with a gun. My back starts to ache.

                Everyone else seems to awake, some left to go eat breakfast down the street. Se Hun rushed up towards me when I entered the kitchen and asked where I got my bruise from. I told him I accidently banged my chin on the door. He offered to rub some ointment on, but I refused. I ate cereal in front of the television alone, hoping that something interesting was on. Kris walks in and sits down the couch a few spaces beside me. We don’t say anything to each other. I can almost feel the physical tension permeate the air on the side he’s sitting on, like half my body is being slowly burned off. And then he breaks the silence and decides to engulf me in flames.

                “Are you gay?”

                “W-WHAT?!”

                He growls and proceeds to repeat, accenting each syllable. “I said, are you gay?”

                “N-no! I’m not!”

                He glares at me in disbelief. “Then stop messing around with Lu Han.”

                He gets up and takes his leave, leaving me a pile of ashes.

                I stare absently at the television. The morning cartoons are playing. Commercials flash past like cars on a highway. News update. Movies start and credits roll. By the time I get up, the unfinished cereal has hardened and the milk has started to stain the bowl.

                I’m a drone, washing up methodically, letting my body do the work. My mind is blank. A clinical white. I haven’t blinked. My eyes are strained with dryness. A whining voice comes from behind.

                “Kaiiiii, make me breakfast. Thanks,” It’s Lu Han. Something in me snaps and my mind is back.

                “DON’T CALL ME KAI!” I’m back in full control now, filled with rage. “Don’t you ever call me that!”

                I slam the cereal bowl breaking it in the sink, the crack silences the room. I stomp out of the kitchen, bumping into Lu Han’s shoulder and knocking him away. The sinks tap runs, the cracks remains.

                “W-what –“

                “Shut up!”

                I don’t look back.

                ~

                I’m in the bathroom. Before, I barged in while Chan Yeol was brushing his teeth. I pushed him out. He tried to protest, but I kept pushing. I pace around, fingernails scraping my forearms. My breathing is heavy, but shallow at the same time. It’s like I’m breathing in nothing. My chest beats erratically. Adrenaline courses through my veins, filling me with a drug. I clench my fists tight, the blood flow stops, but the drug is still there. I punch the wall. I punch it again. I punch it until my knuckles bleed. It doesn’t hurt. The door bangs. It’s him.

                “Jong-In” My name. “Are you okay!? Let me in!”

                I ignore him.

                “Oi!” the banging continues. It’s almost as loud as my chest. “Jong-In!”

                I open the door and see messy brown hair, wide starry eyes and sweat gleaming down.

                “Hey—“ he starts, but I push past him and head to our bedroom.

                Everyone starts to gather round. Se Hun runs up to me, but I ignore him. Lu Han just continues to stand still, staring into the now-empty bathroom, as if frozen in the river of stars and skies.

                ~

                I patch my hand up with a bandage. The cuts are not deep. After I slammed my bedroom door shut, no one tries to bother me. Not even Lu Han. I’m on my bed, lying face down. I didn’t mean to get angry. It’s just… I don’t even know. Everything happened too fast. Kris approaching me out of nowhere, Lu Han acting like nothing happened last night. I knew he was awake when I went into his bed. Don’t ask, but I knew. He let me sleep with him. I wanted to sleep with him. It’s the only way I can sleep.

                Lu Han. It’s all him. Everything is him and everything hurts. I’m not gay. I can’t be. But Lu Han... He’s everything now. He’s a boy too. I don’t know. Does it make me gay if I only like one guy and not guys in general? My chest aches. It’s a blunt pain, but one that’s deeper than flesh. Every time I think of him, it hurts, like someone’s gripping my heart until it pops blood and veins, like a black hole has formed in my centre and is everything dry. Hot tears start to form in the corners of my eyes. I check if it’s salt or blood. It’s salt, but it might as well be blood. Crying from the heart.

                I dry myself up, change and leave. I tread around the apartment lightly, totally unseen until I reached the door.

                “Jong-In?” It’s Chan Yeol. “Uh… where you going?”

                I know he wants to ask me what’s wrong, but refrains out of sheer awkwardness.

                “To the park,”

                “Mind if I join?”

                Yes. “No,”

                The elevator ride down to the lobby was silent. Chan Yeol trails behind, as we head to the park. I sit on the swings. The same one as Lu Han did a few days ago.

                “You okay?” Chan Yeol questions.

                “Yeah,”

                “Why are you angry at Lu Han-hyung?”

                “I’m not,” It’s the truth. I’m not angry at him.

                “Oh…”

                It’s silent. I pass the time swinging higher and higher. Chan Yeol sits on the bench, flipping through his phone. I need to apologise. I have to.

                Can you be forgiven for liking someone?

                Eventually, our manager gathers everyone into the lobby. Everyone’s quiet. I see Lu Han standing behind Kris. He seems to be hiding himself from me.

                “Did something happen?”

                Everyone but he and I shake our heads. I want to go up to him and apologise, but I don’t. Instead, I stand there like an idiot, not even listening to what the manager is instructing us to do.

                “Kai, follow me,” And so I do.

                ~

                Filming the teaser was a drainer. It took over thirty takes because I kept getting out of sync with the music. They didn’t ask what happened to my hand. They just covered it with an invisible bandage and make-up. It was an easy minute routine I had to crash-course learn the past few days. My manager took me out to eat dinner. He asked how I’ve been fitting in with the other members. I told him everything was fine. He asked if Lu Han and I had been fighting a lot. I lied and said no.

                “I’ve got a surprise for you, by the way,” my manager adds while we wait for the bill. “It’s already at your apartment,”

                Surprise? The only surprise that I would enjoy would be being allowed to go home, or time travel back to the past, where I first met Lu Han. So I could start anew. Become friends. And then stop time, so we can’t ruin each other in the future.

                There’s a commotion in the living room, once I return home. Everyone’s crowded around something, blocking my view. And then I hear a familiar bark.

                “Mongu?”

                I hear a woof in reply and run through the crowd of bandmates and see my dog in Lu Han’s arms. Lu Han avoids my eyes and let’s go of Mongu. With little legs, the brown mutt dashes towards me.

                “What are you doing here?” he jumps into my arms and I hug him. He squirms delightfully in my arms. Even though it hasn’t been a week, it feels like we’ve been reunited after years. “God, how I’ve missed you,”

                Everyone pets him while he’s in my arms. Mongu is so damn happy and it’s infectious. It makes everyone, including me, elated with joy. I even momentarily forget about him. Speaking of him, where is he? I drop Mongu down and everyone lunges at him like he’s food. I poke my head in the crowd and see no sight of Lu Han. I heard the bathroom door close. Found him. While everyone is distracted with Mongu, I escape unnoticed to the bathroom door. I stand there, unsure of what I should do. Apologise? Explain to him why I lashed out at him? But that would require me to say things I never ever want to say. I still don’t know why I was so angry. I should at least apologise for this morning

                “Hyung…” I say while knocking on the door. “Hyung, can I speak to you?”

                There’s no reply. I try to turn the doorknob. It’s locked.

                “Please, Hyung,” I plea.

                I knew he was going to act this way. He’ll never forgive me, but I can’t stop. No matter how much he hates me, I have to do something. I hear the door click. I pause for a moment, thinking that he’ll come out. He doesn’t. So I enter.

                He’s facing away from me, leaning on the window. I close the door behind me. We stand there for a bit. Silent and waiting. Waiting for what the other will do next.

                “You have a nice dog,” Lu Han starts.

                “Y-yeah…”

                I still can’t see his face, what he’s feeling right now. I walk up closer, hoping to get a better look.

                “What do you want?” he snaps. I stop moving. In fact, my body and mind freezes. I can’t think. What am I supposed to do? And then everything just floods my mind and leaks out of my mouth.

                “I’m sorry. Sorry for shouting at you. I am. I really am. I can’t say why I did it. I’m not sure of it myself. I’m sorry for being so stupid and cold. I’m sorry for sleeping with you yesterday. I’m sorry for calling you cute. I’m sorry for liking you hair messy. I’m sorry for crying on you. I’m sorry for being such an . I’m sorry –“

                My voice cracks. Hot tears well up. I’m crying again. No. You have to compose yourself.

                “H-hey, it’s okay—“

                “I’m sorry for liking you,” There, I said it. “I’m sorry for almost kissing you. I’m sorry for watching you sleep, for staring into your eyes, for wanting to touch your face, your hair and you. You. I’m sorry.”

                Now I’m in a puddle of my own mess. I just poured out everything. Poured my tear, my thoughts, my emotions, my confusion. I can’t lift my head up from my chest. It’s too heavy. Even though I just dumped all my thoughts onto Lu Han, my head feels so heavy. I want to drop to my knees, melt into the bathroom tiles, become part of the mortar that glues them together.

                Lu Han walks up to me.

                Lu Han’s expression is full of emotions I can’t read.

                Lu Han’s eyes are trained on me.

                Lu Han stops right in front of me.

                I look into his dark eyes. He looks into mine.

                Eyes locked.

                We face each other with nothing but empty space between us.

                He opens his mouth to speak.

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SUSPENSE. what will LU han's answer be? The story is getting darker and darker, and I kinda like it. LOL.

sorry it lacks all the cuteness and fluffyness.

PART TWO will be posted in the coming days. Please continue to love this story, and i will continue to love you (more than i do already).

PS: forgive me if you do not like it when i rehash a chapter in the other person's perspective. It WILL be the last time.