Bonds.
Love From Afar & Love Returned
I wrap my arms around him and sink into the embrace. I nuzzle his neck, breathe in his watery-citrus and let the moment wash over me. His body feels so warm against mine. It’s hard to believe that he’s not a part of my own. I open my mouth to say thanks. Thanks for what? I really don’t know. I just feel indebt to him. My voice doesn’t come out. It’s like my vocal cords were ripped out of my throat and replaced with useless flesh. Despite this, Lu Han understands. Without words, Lu Han understands. I close my eyes in a vain and desperate attempt to freeze time, so everything good and well will never end.
But, no matter how long it takes, everything must end.
It’s only a matter of whether or not you’re willing to let it.
~
“And, that’s a wrap guys! Thank you for being such good students.” Praises the dance instructor. Lu Han and I have just finished learning and perfecting the choreography for our teaser. Filming is tomorrow. “Now go on, rest. You guys look horrible.”
He takes his leave. As soon as the door clicks shut and we’re left alone, Lu Han approaches me.
“You okay? You look worn out.” His eyes cower with concern. I’ve never seen his eyes like this before. Ever since this morning, I’ve been discovering little things about Lu Han that I find incredibly fascinating. Like the way he glues his chin to his chest when he’s embarrassed, the way he always has one hand pressed on his chest when he’s trying to be polite while talking to elders, the way he shoves his hands in his jacket pockets whenever it’s cold outside. Just little observations.
“Yeap! I’m fine!” I chirp a little bit too eagerly. You see, every time I discover something new about him I get invigorated, filled with the electricity he generates himself to power me up.
“Right.” He drags out the whole word, like he’s having trouble processing my response. His eyebrows scrunch together and his mouth curled up. Eventually he turns around and heads to the couch to pack his things. Almost immediately I cover my face with my hands in shame. You’re such an idiot.
The door creaks open.
“You guys done?” peeps in our manager.
“Yeap!” I reply overexcitedly. Through the doorway, our manager gives me the quizzical brow.
And then I hear Lu Han softly mutter something behind me.
“Seriously, are you alright?”
Not when I’m with you, Lu Han.
“Yeap!”
~
“Ready for filming tomorrow?” asks our manager as he slurps on his noodles.
Both Lu Han and I nod, mouths stuffed with food.
We’re at the same noodle parlour as yesterday. It’s definitely a different atmosphere than before. The seating arrangements are the same, our manager on one side of the four seater and Lu Han and I on the other side sitting next to each other. But this time, there’s no empty space between us. There’s not a single particle of space that is not filled by Lu Han and I, not even a gap. Underneath the table, our knees are touching. It’s the slightest touch that can be called off as accidental, but it drives me completely insane. Every time I take a bite, I can’t help but think how our knees are slightly touching, slightly connected. How can something so slight have such a huge impact on me?
The three of us make idle small talk. I think our manager is glad Lu Han and I are on good terms now. He said he was really considering forcing us to go couple therapy. Of course, both of us fall silent and focus on the murky depths of our broth. In all honesty, I don’t know what we are anymore. We’re not exactly a couple and we’re definitely not friends. If we’re not any of the two, what are we?
~
When we walk through the door of our apartment, we catch Chan Yeol and Baek Hyun on the couch tangled in each other’s limbs. Lu Han immediately turns around and apologises, chin glued to his chest as per usual. I stare for a bit longer, discovering that they we’re only tickling each other and we didn’t walk in on anything private.
“Hyung, what are you doing?” I ask, lightly slapping him on the shoulder with the back of my hand.
“They were…” He whispers. He turns his head around slightly to sneak in a glance, before whipping away. “…you know, busy.”
A chesty laugh comes out. Another thing I have noticed about him. Lu Han get's crazy-shy whenever the topic of or anything ual comes up. I still remember that time I changed in front of him. I was barely shirtless, and he flipped out and hid underneath his blanket. I leave Lu Han to be foolishly embarrassed and I start walking to our bedroom, ignoring the frozen red faces of Chan Yeol and Baek Hyun. I hear Chan Yeol desperately trying to explain to Lu Han the misunderstanding.
By the time I flip the lights on, Lu Han has caught up.
“Oi!” he shouts. “You could have told me, . Left me standing there with my back faced to them like an idiot.”
“Not my fault. You’re the one who thought ersely.” I chide.
“ you.” He punches me hard in the shoulder. He really knows how to throw a punch.
We unpack our things in silence. It’s awkward now that we’re alone. I don’t really know how to act. Maybe it’s because I don’t even know where the two of us stand, what we are, what both of us want. Lu Han acts normal, at least what I think is normal for him. Ever since I met him, I’ve never actually known what he’s like normally. We’ve always had something going on between us that creates too much tension for normality. I guess there must be that type of tension now, because I’m definitely not acting normally. But who am I to judge what normal is?
Lu Han gathers up his pyjamas, walks out and, soon after, the bathroom door clicks shut. I lie in my bed and hope the sinking of my chest will dissipate. It doesn’t. It only makes it worse knowing that avoiding this problem will make it worse.
A knock on the door breaks me out of my reverie.
“Hey.” It’s Kris.
“H-hey!” I stutter as I sit up.
Kris walks in, takes a good scan around the room.
“Lu Han-hyung's taking a shower,” I inform him somewhat awkwardly.
“I’m not looking for him. I’m actually hoping to talk to you, alone.” He looks around for a place to sit. The only other place is either my bed, or Lu Han’s. He decides to stand. “How are you two?” he breathes out.
I stay silent for a while, unsure of how to answer. I nibble on my index finger in hopes that something, even a complete lie, would come up.
“Good.” I reply. Is that a lie? I’m not sure.
Kris’ gaze questions me. He’s like a teacher trying to squeeze information out of me after something goes down in the playground.
“I’m not trying to interrogate you, so relax,” That doesn’t relax me at all. “I’m only checking up on how you two are going.”
“I know…” I lie back down in bed and curl up into a foetus.
“You two shouldn’t be obvious, okay?”
“Obvious?”
“Yeah, that whole display with you two this morning can create misunderstandings. Who knows what people would think about two male idols dating –“
“I’m not gay!” I shout out in defence.
“What?! Then what the hell are you?” Kris shouts. His face is painted with shock, eyes bulging out. It’s probably the most expressive face I've seen from him.
“I’m straight.” I answer truthfully.
“You’re joking, right?” Kris exasperates, falling back on Lu Han’s bed. Now he supports his head with his hands as he mulls in frustration. “So, you don’t like him?”
“No, no. I do.” I answer truthfully once again.
Kris’ head shoots up and he just stares at me. His dark eyes squint at me, as if he would know if I’m lying or not. Well, I’m not. I’m not gay.
“You are aware that Lu Han is a guy?”
I nod. “But, just because I like a guy, doesn’t make me gay.”
“What are you, in primary school? Seriously…” His head bows down in frustration yet again.
“It’s not like I’m attracted to the male species as a –“
“You’ve gotten hard over Lu Han, right?” he interrupts and I’m immediately taken back to yesterday. How Lu Han and I were on the couch, kissing and touching and grinding and and…A blush creeps up onto my face so I hide it with my hands. “I take that as a ‘yes’.”
“T-that doesn’t mean anything.” I shout in defence of my uality. I’m not against gays, I just…I’ve never thought of being one.
“It means a whole lot more than you think.” There’s silence, partially because I’m too busy sulking over the fact that I might be a flaming homoual. “As long as you like him back, it’s all fine.” I can hear pain in his voice, that little croak when he said ‘it’s all fine’.
“What do you mean, back?” I ask, truthfully.
“You really are an idiot.”
~
The bathroom door clicks back open. I count how many seconds it takes for Lu Han to return. Thirty-three seconds. When he walks in his hair is dripping wet and a damp towel wraps around his neck. I wonder if he smells nice. I sneak behind him, rip the towel off his neck and give him a surprise hug.
“W-what are you doing?!” he screeches while struggling to get out of my grasp. A light pink dusts his clean cheeks.
I breathe in deep, inhaling everything that he is. He smells of the soap and shampoo we all share, but I can still smell his watery-citrus. It’s like my nose is trained to isolate his scent. I nuzzle my nose into his wet hair, getting my whole face wet in the process. Eventually, Lu Han manages to get is way out of my embrace.
“You made me dirty again, .” He punches me in the same spot as before. He cleverly obstructs my view of his pinkish-cute face by picking up the towel and drying his hair with his back facing me.
“I did no such thing.” I say in mock defence.
Lu Han turns around and punches me, again.
“Piss off.”
~
Warm water washes me down to the core. All the sweat and the daily grime easily slip off when I lather in all the soaps and shampoos. I look down at the drain of the shower, watching all the bubbles and suds disappear without a trace. I think of the water that’s down the drain, how all my dirt is mixed in a sludge of other’s dirt. More recently, Lu Han’s. I think of how we’re somehow bonded by this dirty cocktail of our sweat, how it almost seems like more than a coincidence that, through our sweat, the two of us are connected. And then I laugh at how stupid I sound. Bonds are not solidified through mixtures sweat or blood pacts - that’s all superficial. Bonds are created through mutual feelings and understanding.
Makes me wonder whether or not Lu Han and I have a bond.
What we have now is a physical bond, like that of sweat and blood. It’s not binding, it’s not real. It’s all superficial. Sure, we hug and kiss and whisper little nothings into each other’s ears, but that doesn’t mean anything. That’s physical, meaningless in the whole scheme of things. It’s like marriage. When you’re married, you have rings and a binding marriage document that ‘legalises’ your new found bond. Of course, no matter how big the diamond is or whether the diamond is real or not, a ring has nothing to do with your bond. It has nothing to do with how you act with one another.
A knock on the door jolts me back to reality.
“Can you hurry up? I need to pee!” Chan Yeol shouts.
“Got it!”
~
I dump my sweat-drenched clothing into the laundry basket and head back to my room. The lights are off, the door is slightly open. I don't even need the lights to be to know that he’s already in my bed, keeping it warm, waiting for me to jump in, to join him in a sleepless wonder of whispers. I want to run, run straight to my bed, straight to him and join him in warmth. But of course, I hold back. I don’t want to seem needy. As I stand at the doorway, Lu Han mutters something even I’m too embarrassed to acknowledge.
“Hurry up. I’m cold.”
And I do. I let all my restraints and limits and suppressors go and run to him. I throw the blanket up to the ceiling and launch myself beside him. Once I’m settled, the blanket falls right back on us, keeping our warmth in and mixed.
I stare into his eyes and he stares into mine.We swim in the depths of each other’s pupils.
I grab his body and pull it towards mine. His corporal body is hot, it burns my skin, but it feel so good.
I press my lips on his forehead and nuzzle into his damp hair. My palms are on his back, mapping every contour and every gradient it has to offer.
I throw all those nagging thoughts about bonds and what we are away, because all that matters now is now. Being in bed and keeping each other warm and accompanied.
"Goodnight." he says.
"Night."
Nothing matters besides Lu Han.
He’s everything and nothing less.
____________________
This is kinda a chapter is kinda a set-up for the next one. Sorry guys. I'm writing my one-shot alongside this, and it's taking it's time, especially since I'm back at school.
I have a Twitter now! So if any of you guys have it, follow me!
https://twitter.com/#!/Hellkeeper_
You can treat it like a Q&A type of thing, and just ask me questions about anything. I'm fine with that.
Hope you enjoy.
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