Without Words.
Love From Afar & Love Returned“How was practice?” Kris asks once Jong-In and I arrived back home.
“It was fine.” I reply.
Kris stands tall a little awkwardly as I take my shoes off. Jong-In rushes off without a word, Chan Yeol trailing behind like a lap dog.
“Eaten yet?” he asks again to provoke some sort of conversation from me, but I don’t want to talk.
“Yeah.”
“Ahh…” And that’s all Kris can say. I guess it’s partially my fault for baiting him into an awkward moment, but he’s at fault.
Once I manage to pry my shoes off, I head to the kitchen and fetch a glass of water. Kris, of course, follows behind. He leans on the fridge as I skull down the rest of my water. It feels like coming back up again. I gag, my body lurches forward, stomach crawling in. Calmly, I head to the sink. I hang my head of it and breathe in deep.
“H-hey!” I hear Kris approach me. His hand pats me on the back reassuringly. “You alright?”
I know if I speak now, everything will just come back up. But I do so anyway.
“I’m fine. Just leave me –“ I vomit out all the water I had just drank, with bits of noodle and green clumps from dinner. Apparently, the vomit fest in the bathroom at the noodle parlour wasn’t enough.
“I’ll take you to a doctor.” Kris says being concerned and all. I never asked him to worry about me.
“I never asked you to worry about me.” I snap back while wiping my mouth. “I don’t need a doctor. Just ate too much, that’s all.”
“This isn’t the first time you’ve been like this.” He’s right. It’s not. Back at the diner, after Jong-In had that outburst, I puked my insides out. To think it was only a few days ago. It’s like my body is rejected me.
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Go away.”
“I won’t.” He rebuts, standing tall and indignant. “I never will.”
I look into his eyes and all I see is truth. Pure and unadulterated truth.
“Why are you being so nice to me? I don’t recall ever doing anything nice to you.”
A flash of hurt washes over his eyes, before quickly reforming a strong gaze.
“No reason.”
“Bull. Don’t lie-“
“Just stop asking questions!” He shouts. It’s the first time I’ve heard Kris raise his voice, and it’s directed at me. I’m stunned, but more than that, I’m confused. He takes a deep breath before starting back up again. “Come on, you need a shower, right? You stink.”
I nod in agreement. It’s the only thing I can do. I turn on the tap to wash down the vomit before turning around Kris. His back is turned to me.
“Why are you being like this to him?”
I already know who he’s talking about. Jong-In.
“I-I can’t say.” It’s the truth. I really can’t.
“If you like him, why do you-“
“It’s not as simple as that. I need-“
“You need to tell him you like him. He’s suffering more than you are.”
“And how would you know?” I ask.
“Because you already know he likes you. Jong-In, on the other hand doesn’t have a clue about your feelings for him. You keep on giving him mixed signals and it messes with his head.”
I watch Kris start walking out of the kitchen, towards my bedroom. Eventually, I follow like a drone.
Kris stops at the doorway and leans on it. I walk straight past him and drop my stuff on my bed. Chan Yeol is sitting on Jong-In’s bed, while the bed’s owner is lying on his stomach hiding his face in his pillow. I don’t blame him. If I had a choice, I would shove my head in my bag and just wait for everyone to leave me alone.
“Come on, Chan Yeol,” I hear Kris say as I blindly unpack my things. “I’m sleepy.”
Chan Yeol slowly gets up. “Goodnight, you two.”
We don’t say anything back.
For the next minute, I mindlessly pack and unpack the same things. I guess you can call it stalling for time. Time for what? I’m not quite sure. I just know that I can’t think straight with Jong-In here. I start to reach for a new set of clean clothes before Jong-In suddenly gets up, as if he’s run on a timer. He gathers his clothes and walks, almost runs, out of the room. I guess I lost my chance to shower first.
Feeling relaxed without Jong-In’s presence, I lay on my bed. I stare up to ceiling. I don’t know what to do. As much as I hate it, I have to admit that Kris is right. I am messing with Jong-In. But it’s not like I can help it. I slam my fist against the mattress. I hear the shower turn on. I should at least apologise. Right? Argh, I don’t know how to deal with people’s emotions. Actually, I think it’s more I don’t want to deal with people’s emotions. But Jong-In is different. His emotions are everything I have.
“Can we speak?” It’s Kris. He stands at the doorway just as before.
“I thought you said you were sleepy.”
“Well, I’m not anymore.” I force a laugh out. “Why can’t you tell him?”
I sigh, stay silent for a while and then sit up.
“Because I can’t.” I simply reply
This time, Kris sighs.
“You’re too guarded,” He states. “You know he likes you and you like him, why don’t you go for it? Is it because you’re in the same band? Or-“
“It has nothing to do with being in a band. Absolutely nothing. I-I just…” My voice starts to betray me.
“Is it your past?”
“My past? What makes you think that?!” The shout is involuntary. It just came out.
“Rumours. From back when we were trainees. They said that Lu Han the Beast had a bad past and that’s why he was lived along as a trainee and never made friends.”
I glare at Kris for good measure, to make sure he’s not lying. But there it is again. That pure, unadulterated truth in his eyes.
“Do you believe it? Those rumours?”
He looks into my eyes, unwavering and firm.
“Yes.”
~
The moment the bathroom door opens, I launch myself out of the room, carrying my clean clothes, a pen and my journal. I don’t look Jong-In in the eyes and walk straight past him. The smell of soap overpowers the cinnamon-rain. Once I get in, I lock the door and turn the lights on. The room is still warm from Jong-In’s shower, the air still steamy. I open the window to air it out. Not because the feels uncomfortable and weird, but because it feels comfortable and normal. I sit myself down and open my journal. I grab a pen, but it doesn’t move. I have no idea what to write. I start by recounting the day, but all I can think of is how Jong-In and I made out on the couch. It was so close to turning something more, but I had to stop. In the end, the only thing I can muster out to write is the date and the letter “I”. I feel stupid being unable to articulate myself. Sighing, strain myself to get up. I take one last look in the mirror, noticing how my hair is surprisingly messy today, and jump into the shower. Maybe a shower will help clear my head.
It smells of Jong-In.
~
Here I am lying in Jong-In’s bed, waiting for him to come back. I don’t know why I’m here. I guess it was all subconsciously. His bed really is more comfortable than mine. I hear Kris’ voice travel through the hallways. He’s talking to Jong-In. I don’t know what about, but it doesn’t matter. I already know it’s about me. After Kris returns to his bedroom, I eventually hear Jong-In come in. He pauses at the doorway after noticing his bed being occupied. He sighs and hops into my empty bed.
There’s silence, nothing but a cold silence that needs warming up.
“I don’t like him.”I speak up.
“Who?” he asks coldly.
“Kris. I don’t like Kris.”
I get out of the warmth of Jong-In’s bed and slip into my own. I carefully move myself so as to not touch him. He curls up into a ball trying to avoid me. I stare at his clothed back. I wish he had no shirt on. So I could see his star. But it doesn’t matter. I know where it is. Slowly, I ease my forehead on his star. The warmth of his skin tingles my own sparking so many sensations and relaxing me to the core.
Suddenly, Jong-In turns around. His face in front of mine. Our breaths mix. I breathe in his breath, and he breathes in mine. There’s an indescribable look in his eyes. Slowly, he rests his forehead against mine.
I observe his face like a stargazer. His nose, his eyelashes, his lips. Everything is a star to me and I gaze at them. But unlike normal star gazers, who are grounded and unable to touch the, I can feel them with my fingers and my lips.
My eyes flutter close.
My breath gets shallow.
I lean in.
I kiss him once on the lips.
It’s a soft chaste kiss, like a kiss on the cheek or a kiss on the forehead
I kiss him again, the same kiss. He his lips. They glisten with his saliva.
Instead of kissing me back on the lips, he leans onto my forehead and plants one right in the middle. I can feel a trillion sensations, all emanating from Jong-In’s lips.
I breathe out a long breath of relief and bury myself in Jong-In’s chest. I breathe in his cinnamon rain like oxygen. Jong-In embraces me in tight hug, nuzzling his nose deep into towel dry hair. Our legs intertwine and our bodies mesh together, fitting in place together better than gears do in machines.
Without words we fall asleep in each other’s arms.
~
When I wake up, I feel warm. I smell cinnamon-rain. I bury myself a little deeper into the source of both the warmth and scent. Jong-In’s body radiates an ethereal warmth that I just can’t get enough of.
“ughm…” Jong-In groans. Must have woken the kid up. Good, I need someone to make me breakfast.
“Breakfast. Now.” I murmur in his chest.
“Rack off.” he chides while nuzzling a little deeper in my hair. I jab him hard in the gut. “Ow! What was that for?!”
“The lack of breakfast in my stomach.” I huff.
“Well, how about you make us breakfast.”
I jab him in the gut again, but with a little more force. “Fat chance of that. I can’t cook for –“
The door slams open. It’s Kris. His eyes are wide, his mouth slightly agape. I think he’s stopped breathing. He just stares at us. I quickly push Jong-In away leaving a bit of space between us.
“Uhh… T-the manager. He’s –“
The manager pushes past Kris, snapping him out of his stare. He gives Jong-In and I a quizzical brow before smirking.
“I see you two have made up quite well,” he says slightly sardonically. “Come on, we’re leaving in ten.”
Red pushes up in both our cheeks. Jong-In shifts uncomfortably further away from me, lifting the blanket up to cover his body. I launch myself out of bed and fold the creases of my pyjamas, chin glued to my chest in embarrassment. Our manager leaves without a word. Kris stands in the doorway for a little longer, just staring at the floor. We lock eyes for a moment. I can’t read what he’s feeling, what the meaning of his stare is. He nods, before leaving without a word. I start to find a fresh set of clothes for practice before I hear bed sheets rustling.
From behind, Jong-In’s arms wrap around my waist.
They ensnare me like snakes.
His chin rest on my shoulder.
Without a word, I know what he’s saying.
Thank you.
He arms snake out of my waist.
I’m meant to feel elated.
But all I feel is my heart drop and fear sink in.
_________________________
Without Words refers to many things in this chapter. How Jong-In and Lu Han reciprocate their affections, Kris' devotion to Lu Han, and more. I don't really want to go into too much textual analysis, I get enough of it at school.
Umm, I put in a little fluff! It's so awkward writing fluff after all that angst. But yes, the angst is drawing to near again. I promise the next few chapters will have more fluff.
SORRY ABOUT BEING A DAY LATE! Since it's the holidays i always think i have enough time for things, but i never get anything done. Don't worry. School starts next week, and i have no exam this term, only a few assessments here and there. So, the updates will have a bit more substance and definately be longer.
I've noticed that when I write as either Jong-In or Lu Han, I have a different style (?). Jong-In is a little bit more poetic and metaphorical, while Lu Han just evokes characteristic snark. Of course my base fluency runs deep through both the characters, but I just get the feeling that they are two parts of me. Lu Han is more like me and how I am in everyday life, while Jong-In embraces my deeper level of consciousness. I guess in a way, the two are a fusion of who I am and me writing this fic is kinda a way to discover the duality of my personality. Now i kinda sound bipolar. Sorry.
Okay, didn't intend to have such a long- footnote. Sorry guys. I guess i just needed to really say this, not only to tell you guys as readers, but to clarify what it means to write this fic for me.
I hope you enjoy. I'll be updating in six days? And i should be consistant with that schedule once a week until about July, when holidays are back on.
THANKS!
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