“              I remember tears streaming down your face

When I said: I’ll never let you go

When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember that you said: Don’t leave me here alone

But all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight…

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You’ll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I’ll be safe and sound                                                   “

                I hum. My throat feels strained, but I continue anyway. Arms are around his slim body, hands slowly rubbing circles into his back. The crying has stopped, replaced with rhythmic breathing. My neck is moist with salt. His salt. I nudge my nose into his hair. Even with the leftover hairspray and wax from the photoshoot, he still smells nice, a rainy-cinnamon scent. Like cinnamon rain. The heat of our bodies have mixed and become one. I can feel his chest rising and falling on mine, his breath tickle my skin, his legs entwined in mine, his lips lightly resting on the nape of my neck.

                Lying there, I manage to breathe out:

                “Jong-in”

~

                Next morning, I wake up in Jong-In’s bed alone. The light pitter-patter of rain hails on the window. I check the clock. 8:23 am. It’s still early. I bury myself back under the warm blankets. I try and get back to sleep, but I can’t. Sleeping alone seems pointless after last night. After tossing around in his bed for a while, I eventually get up. The cold air embraces me like shackles. Puzzled, I search for a jacket. I’m usually immune to the cold, avoiding heat in any way possible, but not today. Not after the warmth I felt yesterday. Idiotically, I avoided packing any jackets beforehand, thinking I could brave the cold, or at least buy one once I got here. Looking around, I see a grey hoodie on a coat hanger on Jong-In’s side. He’s not that much bigger than me. So I put it on. It smells like cinnamon rain.

               Save for a few members, everyone’s still asleep. I walk to the bathroom, only to find it occupied. The shower’s running, so I knock loudly.

               “Can you hurry up!?” I shout, knowing full well people are still trying to sleep. “I need to piss.” It’s a lie, I don’t need to pee.

               I hear a muffled reply. “Yeah!”

               The voice was too soft, I can’t tell who it is. Is it him? I heat up at the thought of him in the shower. No! Stop it. I shake my head vigorously, as if it could help sort out my thoughts. As I walk to the kitchen, a bedroom door opens.

               “Why the hell are you shouting?” It’s Kris. “It’s so damn early. You’re lucky I was already awake.”

                Even with his dishevelled hair he still looks stunning. It makes him look taller too.

                “I need the bathroom. He’s been in there for ages,”

                “What are you talking about? Se Hun’s only just got in there,”

                Okay, it wasn’t Jong-In. For some reason, I feel relieved that it’s not him showering

                “Whatever.”

                 We walk to the kitchen together, both in search for something for breakfast. He raises a quizzical brow on Jong-In’s hoodie.

                 “Isn’t that a little too big for you?”

                 “Are you saying I’m small?” I snap back, covering the shock of Kris noticing the hoodie.

                 “No, it just doesn’t seem to suit your stature. That’s all,”

                 “Yeah, well, it’s not mine. So, I don’t care what you say” I slip out. . Kris will think I’m weird if he finds out I'm wearing Jong-In’s clothes. “It’s a friends, from back home.” He lets out a look of understanding. “He let me borrow it, but I never had the chance to return it to him,”

                 “Guess you never will, huh?”

                 I don’t reply.

                 Se Hun joins us. He told me he showered as fast as he could, so I could pee. It kinda bugs me how polite he is. There’s no need to be polite when there aren’t any cameras around. I told him I didn’t need to pee anymore and he just looked at me weirdly. Upon seeing me in all my glory, he gives the hoodie a weird look of recognition. . I turn to the fridge and rummage through it, hiding the hoodie in the process. We eat cereal. Nothing fancy. Kris and Se Hun exchange idle chit-chat. They try to include me, but I shrug them off. I’m not being impolite; it’s just there’s one thing nagging me. Where’s Jong-In?

                 “Where’s Jong-In?” I ask, butting in the middle of their conversation.

                 Taken back, Se Hun replies, “Uhh…I think he went to the studio. Manager-hyung said he’s got a dance routine to master for a teaser clip,”

                 I casually nod, inwardly raging at the fact that he didn’t even bother waking me up before he left. It’s not like it really matters, if he wakes me up or not. Of course it doesn’t. It’s just polite. It’s would just be nice of him.

                 “Mind explaining what happened last night?” asks Kris, breaking me out of my self-induced inward rage.

                 “W-what? N-no. I mean, nothing happened last night. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

                 “Don’t lie. Everyone saw him sleeping on top of you.” I can tell he’s trying to mock me, trying to get something out of me.

                 “Shut up, Kris!” Slam my hands to the table, shaking the metal spoons in our bowls. I can’t help the red pigments rush into my cheeks both in anger, and in embarrassment. “The does it have to do with you, anyway?”

                 I get up, toss the ceramic bowl and metal spoon into the stainless steel sink. Clinks and clanks and maybe a crack. I couldn’t care the least if I had broken something. In fact, I hope I did break something. I hope that Kris washes the dishes and cuts his finger. I hope he bleeds to death or at least gets an infection that causes him to lose his finger. Go to hell, Kris.

                 “H-hey, I was just teasing –“ Kris defends, in a stupid attempt to save himself.

                 “Go screw yourself,” I say, effectively ending his salvation. As I walk out of the kitchen, I glance at Kris, his face covered with guilt and regret. Good. He deserves it. Se Hun looks completely and utterly confused and somewhat taken back at my outburst. I don’t give them a second look, and stomp off to my room.

                 Slamming the door shut, I jump into my bed. I scream into my pillow. I know I’ve overreacted, but I couldn’t help it. I know everyone saw me and Jong-In on the couch. Everyone heard me hum. Last night was a blur, but everything is so clear like it’s been imprinted into my vision. I don’t think I could forget it, even if I wanted to.

               ~

                  “Jong-In,”

                 We stay like this for a while. I didn’t know how long, but it didn’t seem to matter. Time had no factor to play in between the two of us. My mind had only one objective. To comfort Jong-In. I don’t even know why I should. I hate the guy. Well, it’s not that bad. I just don’t like him. I guess it’s just habit. To help the needed. An old habit, I should add. I repressed the ‘goodness’ inside of me long ago. After what happened before.

                 There are sounds on the other side of the door. I don’t have enough to time to react, I’m too warped up in rubbing his back and humming him a song. By the time I notice them, they’ve all gathered around me, asking me if he’s alright.

                 “He’s fine. Just sleeping it off,” I hear my body say, stopping my tune. My mind is too wrapped in with thoughts of him. I continue to hum.

                 While they all move off, Kris and Se Hun stay behind. They ask questions. I stop humming. My body answers them. My mind is still with Jong-In. Eventually, they too move off. I started to hum again.

                 It’s almost midnight. I haven’t eaten a thing. Jong-In’s been on top of me for a good hour. I haven’t stopped humming since. My voice is raw, but I endure it. My skin is dry; a layer of dried salt covers it. I can’t feel my body anymore. It’s either it’s gone numb from being squashed by Jong-In, or because we’ve become one. I’m not too sure. He stirs awake.

                 “Hyung…” Sleep still dragging him down.

                 “Just go back to sleep.”

                 “Take me to my bed?”

                 “Sure.”

                 As we walk back into our room, Jong-In grabs the edge of my shirt as he trails behind. His eyes are closed, so I’m his guide. Once in our room, I lead him to his bed, lie him down and cover him with his blanket.

                 “Go to sleep,”

                 “Hyung?”

                 “Yes?”

                 “Sleep with me?”

                 His eyes are still closed. I don’t’ know if it’s the sleep messing with his head or if he really wants me to join him. I don’t even know what I want.

                 “Yeah.”

                 I turn off the lights, and go under his blanket. We face each other on this single bed, with barely enough room to fit the both of us. We manage to get into a position where we don’t touch each other. I remain on the left, he, on the right. We lay there with a distance between us further than the stars, a void of black space. Our heads are centimetres apart, but our bodies on the edges of the bed. Our eyes are closed. He doesn’t ask to be embraced, or for me to rub his back. He doesn’t ask for bodily contact. He only asks for my voice.

                 “Sing for me?”

                 “Sure”

                 Instead of humming, I sing. His eyes are closed. He has a slight smile. I love his smile.

                 “What song is that? I’ve never heard it”

                 “It’s called Safe and Sound. I learnt the song when I was a kid. It’s very special to me,”

                 “Is that so?”

                 “Yeah.”

                 Eventually, we both fall asleep, dreaming of a river of stars and skies gushing past us like torrents of water. We’re above the ground, up in the sky, up in space. Somewhere beyond God, beyond fantasy, beyond existence. We’re limitless.

                 ~

                 There’s a knock on the door. I don’t even need to ask who it is.

                 “I’m sorry. I took it too far,” Kris apologises.

                 “I don’t care, just get lost.”

                 “Sorry…”

                 I peek from pillow. He’s standing in the middle of the room looking rather glum.

                 “I slept with him,”

                 His jaw drops fast to the floor. His eyes gouge out.

                 “YOU WHAT?!”

                 ”N-no. I slept in the same bed as him.” Burying my face into my pillow, blushing at the thought.

                 Kris sighs in relief.

                 “My god. I thought you meant something else…” he chuckles. With my head still in my pillow, I gave him the rude finger. “Is that all that happened?”

                 I rise from my hiding place. “Of course it was.”

                 We stay silent for a while, looking idly around at different objects in the room. Kris eventually sits on my bed.

                 “So, if you don’t mind, tell me about last night.”

                 And so I do. I tell him about me and Jong-In being left alone at home, me falling asleep on the couch. I omit the part when I found Jong-in straddling me, and say that I found him crying. I tell him how I hummed Jong-In to sleep, how I got him into bed, how he asked me to join him, how I accepted, how I sang us both to sleep.

                 “You know, the kid has insomnia.”

                 “Insomnia, really?”

                 “Yeah, but it’s only mild. There are just some restless nights, like the day we moved in.”

                 I think back. That was the day I met him in the middle of the night at the park. How we ate, how he called me cute, how I couldn’t see him in the dark of our bedroom, how I wondered if he was asleep or not. I guess he wasn’t.

                 “Does he take stuff for it?” I meant medicine.

                 “There are pills, but they’re only supposed to be used when the insomnia gets real bad.”

                 “So it doesn’t happen every night?”

                 “Nope,”

                 “Then yesterday… he was okay, right? Wonder why.”

                 He pauses, as if he’s weighing his options. And I already know what he’s going to say. “Maybe, it’s because of you and –“

                 “Go die.”

                 ~

                 Vocal training starts today. Manager-hyung came up and dragged us all into the studio. Individual vocal lessons with our own professional instructors. Pretty average stuff. My instructor is a nice lady, who doesn’t question that my voice is still a bit strained from last night. She doesn’t treat me like a foreigner either, which is a plus. I like her. Lessons take the better half of the day. I’m then dragged into the dance studio for some group practice. Of course, Jong-In is still missing. I haven’t seen him all day. Our dance instructor teaches us a random routine, to gauge our strengths and weaknesses. He points out that I need to improve my leg extensions and that should concentrate more. I, of course, tell him off for it. Ballet and contemporary are not my forte. I would have continued to argue with him for the rest of the day, but our manager came in and I immediately quiet down.

                                   
                We all take a break. I talk to Kris and Se Hun, and befriend a tall guy called Chan Yeol. I initially hated him for his good looks and his height, but his good humour and easy-goingness changed my mind. He’s not a bad guy.

                 “I heard you’re a really good singer, hyung!” beams Chan Yeol. His gleefulness is somewhat contagious.

                 “I am, but my accent is still audible.”

                 “No need to be so modest!” he says sarcastically, slapping my back. “I can barely hear your accent.”

                 I like Chan Yeol. Even with the short time we’ve known each other, he understands me and how I act. There’s no need to dolly around and think about how I should be to him. I guess that means I like Kris too.

                 After practice, we all headed out for dinner at a Korean BBQ shop near our apartment. Everyone has warmed up with each other in the short few days we’ve been together. The atmosphere is all festive and celebratory. I try to join in, but it’s difficult. Jong-In is still at practice, learning his choreography for the first teaser clip. I saw him in the studio dancing with the choreographer watching intently, shouting at things he needed to fix up. It was so intense. I wanted to go in and say “Hi”, but decided against it. I don’t think I could face him after what happened last night.

                 Once it was late, we headed back to the apartment. Took turns taking showers, I was one of the first, being one of the oldest and all. Everyone was watching some horror movie on TV. Huddle against each other, under blankets and pillows, on the floor. I joined them. I found Se Hun, who smiled as I sat next to him.

                 “Scared?” he asks.

                 “Not at all.”

                 Jong-In doesn’t returns home until midway through the movie. He scares everyone, except for me, half to death by barging in. Some pillows were thrown  and empty threats were tossed at him in retaliation. All in good humour of course. He looks exhausted.

                 “Hyung,” calls Se Hun. “You look tired. I’ll help you to bed.” He’s always so polite and now he’s politely offering to help him to bed? Get out.

                 “Oi-“ I get interrupted by a woman screaming on the TV.

                 “Okay,” Jong-In replies to Se Hun. I shut my mouth.

                 Se Hun gets up to lead him off to bed. I stay seated, giving Se Hun room to manoeuvre out of the crowed living room. And they move off. Jong-In doesn’t even acknowledge me. Not a greeting, not even a glance. Who does that kid think he is? Argh.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
                I spend the rest of the time getting angry at him, instead of watching the movie. Don’t tell me he’s gonna pretend like nothing happened last night, like he did before. I hate people who do that.

                 “Go screw yourself, Kai” I mutter under my breath.

                 “What was that?” asks Chan Yeol, who moved next to me, replacing Se Hun. Where is that polite kid, anyway? Doesn’t take that long to get someone to bed.

                 “Nothing.” I whisper. “Nothing at all,”

                 The movie finishes. Everyone talks loudly about how the movie was so scary, and how they’ll have nightmares tonight.

                 “How was it?” Asks Chan Yeol.

                 “I’ve seen scarier,”

                 “Ah… Hyung is so brave.” He says mockingly. I lightly punch his shoulder.

                 “Whatever. You guys are just pansies,”

                 “That’s an interesting word you’ve picked up during your stay in Korea, my boy.” Chan Yeol is obviously picking fun at how I hate being patronised.

                 “You need to shut up,” I threaten, pointing my finger to the bridge of his nose. He laughs.

                 “Yes, sir!” he says in mock surrender.

                 As the good atmosphere dissipates, and everyone moves off to their respective bedrooms, I’m left alone on the balcony. The rain has begun to settle. I plan to stay out here for as long as I can. I’m not trying to avoid Jong-In... Okay, I am. I don’t want to talk to him. I need some time alone. Hanging around eleven guys is tiresome, especially if one is always on your mind. Instead of hanging my body over the edge like I always do, I opt the safer choice.

                 Bare feet, wet and cold, I’m in the park again, swinging on the same swings as before. It’s still raining, but only a small sprinkle, enough to get my clothes all soaked. The park is dimly lit. Sounds of the rain colliding with the Earth fill the air. It’s cold, but I don’t mind it. I’m wearing Jong-In’s hoodie. I hid it in my backpack after Se Hun noticed it. Having to carry it around all day, made me really want to wear it. So before I headed to the park, I put it on. Breathed in the cinnamon rain like it was a puffer for asthma. Now, I feel bad for getting it wet. I’ll dry it before I return it to him, I guess.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                
                Soon enough, I’m drenched, but it’s calming. Relieves the tension from my shoulders, down to my toes. At least I won’t have to shower today. I can’t tell the time. I’m not wearing a watch, but I know it’s late and I should go back. But I really don’t want to face Jong-In. I wonder if he’s asleep yet. Maybe he can’t sleep tonight?

                 “Hyung,” I hear a voice behind me. “You’re going to get sick.”

                 I turn my head around. It’s Chan Yeol. He’s hastily walking to me with an umbrella.

                 “Get lost.”

                 “Come on, just get inside,”

                 I look at him, standing in the rain with a skimpy umbrella, shivering like a child. I should pity him, but I don’t.

                 “No,”

                 Chan Yeol just stands there, without a word, staring at me with pleading eyes. Sighing, I get off the swing and walk his way.

                 “What are you thinking?! It’s freezing out here. And why are you bare foot?!”

                 I don’t reply. We slowly walk back into the apartment, and then he notices the hoodie.

                 “Isn’t that Jong-In’s?”

                 “Uh…” I stammer, caught off guard.

                 “I’ve seen him wear it a couple of times,”

                 I begin to sweat, the rain has no cooling effect on me now.

                 “Umm… he let me borrow it. I thought it looked nice and all. He said I could wear it if I wanted too,”

                 “Is that so?” I can almost hear his smile.

                 "W-whatever."

                 Once we head back to the apartment, Chan Yeol offers to dry me off. I decline, saying I wanted to shower anyway. He says goodnight and leaves me. I wonder how he knew where to find me. I, infact, do take a shower, a long one. I towel dry my hair and brush my teeth. Change into dry pyjamas. My eye are red. I guess I really am tired.

                 I hang my wet clothes on the clothes line on the balcony before grabbing a bite to eat. Eventually, I head off to bed, walking as slowly as possible. Once I open the door to my room, I hear a faint shuffle of sheets.

                 Jong-In’s still awake.

                 I don’t look in his direction. I silently saunter over to my bed and jump in. No one speaks for a whole minute, until I break the silence.

                 “You’re an , you know that?”

                 “Yeah…” he croaks.

                 Silence. My heart beats with anticipation. Is he going to say something else? What’s he thinking?

                 “Goodnight,” he says, somewhat coldly.

                 I don’t reply. I face the wall instead of him, curl up into a ball and try to sleep. It’s impossible. I hate him. I hate Jong-In so much. My fingernails rake my bedcovers. Whatever. Stupid kid doesn’t deserve my attention.

                After an hour of agonising silence, I hear Jong-In get out of bed. I hear him walk over to my bed and feel him lift my blankets. I don’t know why, but I pretend to be asleep. He quietly slides in next to me. We don’t touch, but I can feel his warmth of his skin like radiowaves. He replaces the blanket over the both of us. In the bed, he turns around so our backs face each other. After a while, he begins to breathe rhythmically. He’s asleep.

                 “Goodnight, Jong-In.”

___________________________

I went a little bit experimental here with the whole flash back. Please tell me how you thought of the style in the flash back!

I'm extremely exhausted at the moment. School is stabbing me in the knee. I can only update on weekends. Mostly on Saturday nights. It's almost 3am! now i'm just spewing out random stuff

TOMORROW, i will post personalised responses on your walls :) i promise

thank you for all the kind comments and (one) cirticism!

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PS. The song is Safe and Sound - Taylor Swift (Ft The Civil Wars). Real sad song. It's going to be in the Hunger Games movie. So excited for it.