“I’m sorry…I-I can’t”

                My mind stops. I’m frozen. I can see Lu Han’s mouth moving, his lips form words, but all I can hear is a humming ring. He reaches over the empty space between us and collects a tear off my cheek with his bare hands. He doesn’t wipe it away on his shirt. Instead, he keeps holding his hand up and leaves the tear on his finger, almost as if he’s preserving it. I still can’t hear him, but it doesn’t matter. He’s already starting to walk away. His hands are down and my tear is lost. At least he shuts the door behind him.

                Now, I’m lying on my back on the bathroom floor. I’m one step closer to becoming part of the mortar that holds the tiles together. All I need is to let go of my consciousness and I’m free, but a bark on the other side of the door snaps me out. It’s Mongu.

                “You better come out. Mongu’s getting mad~” chides Chan Yeol. I don’t even know how long I’ve been in here for. It feels like days, but it’s still night time. “Kaiii!!”

                “I’m-“ I choke. My voice gets all harsh and raspy. “I’m coming,”

                “…You okay in there?”

                I hesitate to answer, because I know I’ll lie.

                “Y-yeah. I’m fine.”

~

                I managed to fake my way through the rest of the night not seeing Lu Han anywhere. I overheard conversations with the other members that he and Kris went out somewhere. I didn’t feel jealous. I didn’t feel anything. After Lu Han told me he was sorry and he couldn’t, I stopped feeling anything. I was numb, as if my emotions were spiked with anaesthesia. I just smiled the whole night. Had Mongu on my lap, but he didn’t help. Chan Yeol tried to cheer me up, but eventually moved onto talking to Baek Yeol about future dinner plans. Honestly, I think Chan Yeol likes Baek Hyun. I think he’s gay and he likes Baek Hyun. You know what else I think? I think Se Hun is way too polite, like he wants to get on everyone’s good side. I hate people like that. D.O with his damn cleanliness pisses me off, too. Every time he showers he nags and nags about how dirty we left it before. And don’t even get me started about Kris. All he does is strut around like he owns the damn place, always dressing nice and looking good. Not to mention he told me to stop hanging with Lu Han. off. He’s not your play thing. You don’t own him. He can take care of himself. I guess, that’s why Lu Han’s not mine.

                Eventually most of the band members headed off to bed. Lu Han and Kris aren’t back yet. Isn’t there some sort of curfew? Why aren’t they back yet? What the hell are they doing? No, it doesn’t matter. Lu Han can have Kris. He said sorry to me because he didn’t want me, he wanted Kris. I really don’t know what I’m saying. I’m still numb.

~

                It’s almost 3:00am. I’m in bed. I can’t sleep. It’s going to be one of those long restless nights. It’s dark and cold and I’m just wearing pants. Shirtless, I lay there, feeling the cold winter nestle into my core. I’m freezing, but I can’t feel anything. I’m numb.
                They’re not back yet. No one else is awake except for me. I’m not waiting. I swear I’m not. I’m just lying here, thinking of nothing in particular. I can’t even cry. And then I hear the noise from outside.

                “Everyone’s asleep,” comes a muffled voice through the thick walls. It’s Kris.

                I stay deathly quiet and still. It’s so quiet that I can hear my heart beating, my ears ringing and my blood pumping in and throughout my body. I hear shoes being taken off, lights being , the fridge opening, clinks and clanks of glassware, the bathroom door softly closing, the television turning on. I can’t exactly hear what they are talking about, but I hear laughter. I bet they’re cuddling on the couch, sharing in each other’s warmth, whispering nonsense in each other’s ears. My heart starts to get crushed from all these thoughts, gripped with anger, but more than that. From yearning. I yearn for his brown hair, his cute button nose, his voice, his touch, his eyes, and his water-citrus scent. I grab my blanket and crumple it up into a think tube. I hug it, imagining it’s Lu Han in my arms. I’m hugging him from behind and nestle my nose into his neck. I kiss his skin, letting my lips linger on it for eons. I flow my salt on him like before. I realise it’s not Lu Han, but a tube of blanket. I realise that Lu Han will never be mine. I realise that I can feel emotions again, I’m not numb. I throw the blanket haphazardly on the floor and let the cold embrace me once again. I stare up into the darkness and wonder whether or not I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

                The door opens, a small volume of light seeps its way into the room, before being shut out. Lu Han?

                “Kai?” No, it’s Chan Yeol.

                I hear footsteps creep up closer. He pick up something huge off the floor and walk closer to me. Slowly and delicately, he unravels my blanket, tucking me into bed. He stands there for a while, not moving. I can just see the outline of his silhouette in the moonlight.

                “You’ll catch a cold,” He says. He knows I’m awake. “I know you’re awake. Don’t bother hiding it,”

                I shift around in my bed, welcoming the warmth the blanket brings.

                “I could hear you breathing. It’s too fast for someone who’s sleeping,” he continues: “You… okay? You seemed really out of it after you came home. Was filming that tiring?”

                I don’t choose to answer. I don’t want to. Chan Yeol has nothing to do with my business.

                “Lu Han and Kris came back. They’re watching TV, wanna join-“

                “No,” I answer.

                “Come on. Maybe it’ll help you sleep bet-“

                “ off. Go back to Baek Yeol,”

                “W-What?!” he gasps. I guess I was right. He is gay. “What the hell are you talking about?”

                “Nothing,”

                “Look, I don’t know what’s up but you need to –“

                “Can you just go away?”

                “Argh, fine!”

                Chan Yeol huffs and storms off, slamming the door shut in the process. That went well. And then from behind the thick walls, I hear the voice of Chan Yeol complaining to Kris about my behaviour.

                “Kris, you need to set that stupid kid straight,” I’ve never seen Chan Yeol angry before. Anger just doesn’t suit his character. “All he does is sulk. I’ve tried to help him, but he just frikken rejects me. I don’t know what you did to him, Lu Han, but you pissed him off.”
                A few seconds later, Chan Yeol and Kris’ bedroom door slams shut. I’m pretty sure everyone’s awake now.

                Muffled chatter goes through the thick walls. I still can’t hear what they are saying, but I know they are talking. Kris is dominating the conversation with his deep baritone, while Lu Han is giving small replies with his tenor. I toss my blanket to the floor again.

                It’s almost 4:00am. I’ve been lying here waiting for Lu Han come into our bedroom, but I don’t think he is. And then I hear the door open. Light crinkles in again, but this time I see a huge figure holding a smaller one in frame. Kris is carrying an asleep Lu Han bridal style. I clamp my eyes, but leave them as slits so I can still see some of my surroundings. Kris gently places Lu Han into bed, takes off his jacket and shirt. Kris digs around Lu Han’s luggage using his phone as a torch. He finds a pink shirt suitable for sleep-wear and puts it on him. Kris brushes Lu Hans hair out of his face and tucks him under his blanket. Kris’s touching Lu Han. Touching his arms, his skin, his hair. He’s probably breathing in the same watery-citrus I crave. I can’t do anything but watch from afar. Kris sits on Lu Han’s bed, while the small boy is sleeping soundly. He’s caressing Lu Han’s forearms, moving towards his neck and then onto his cheeks. Slowly, as if trying to mock me, he bends down and gives Lu Han a kiss on his forehead. Lu Han stirs, but doesn’t wake up. All i do is lie there, powerless to do anything.

                “Goodnight, Lu Han” Kris whispers into Lu Han’s ears. After another minute long caress, Kris takes his leave.

                Lu Han is sound asleep, his breathing a rhythmic pace. I stay as still as possible, listening intently for every one of his breaths. He breathes out at about twenty times per minute and sometimes mumbles in Chinese in his sleep. He also sounds cute.

                It’s 4:43am. I get out of bed. I walk over to the other side of the room, stop right in front of Lu Han’s bed and sit down on the ground. It’s cold and I’m shivering, so I rest my head on his bed. His warmth is radiation. I feel somewhat better now. He’s still breathing rhythmically and speaking Chinese. I can just see his face in the moonlight. All the shadows casted make him look angelic and ethereal. Something I can never dare to have.
                I reach over to caress his forearms, but I stop right before, hovering above his skin like opposing magnets. I move on, still hovering, to his neck and then his cheeks. I want to touch him, but I can’t. Not after Kris. Not after Lu Han said he’s sorry and he can’t. I feel so dirty and erse watching him sleep, but I can’t help it. It hurts not being able to be with him. It hurts not being able to touch him. It hurts not being able to be his and he, be mine.

                It’s 5:07am. I’m still wide awake. I’m sitting on the floor watching Lu Han sleep like a puppy. I can almost see the sun start to rise. He’s facing the wall now, so I can’t see his face. A few minutes ago, I had to leave to my post to pee. By the time I came back, Lu Han shifted positions away from me. I bury my hands underneath his blanket, and feel the warmth of his previous spot on the mattress. I’m crazy about this boy. But he’s doesn’t want me. I have to give up on him. I have to let go. It’s going to be hard, if not, completely and utterly impossible, but I have to try. I think I’ll swap rooms with Kris tomorrow, even if Chan Yeol won’t forgive me. I’m sure Kris won’t mind. I’m pretty sure that Lu Han won’t mind either. I stand up from my spot. I bend down. I hover my lips just above his forehead, but I don’t close the gap. Instead, I walk back to my bed and try to sleep. At first it seems completely and utterly impossible, but I eventually fall asleep. If only it was that easy with Lu Han.

                It’s 11:32am. I’m facing the wall, having tried to avoid watching Lu Han sleep. The white walls sting my eyes with its reflection of the morning sun. At least it’s not raining today. I hesitate to turn around, knowing that he might still be sleeping on the other bed. I will myself not to, but I cave in.

                I sit up and turn around.

                The other bed is empty.

                Is he awake?

                No, he’s not.

                He’s still sleeping.

                He’s sleeping right beside me.

______________________________________

SURPRISE!

I took a break from studying and managed to write this chapter up! It's a bit angsty and short, and i have a feeling that this angst will last until my exams finish.

I think I still might be updating sparingly in the coming weeks, but dont take my word for it! I'll see if i can write a few bits up when i take breaks from studying.

Thank you for the good luck you've given me for my exams! I promise to do well (not really).

Oh... P.S. I'm not a girl.