Entry No.1

The universe is punishing me, using my higher ups and mentors, to force me to write this goddamn book.

They sent me to this hospital, ordering me to shadow a certain surgeon, and learn how she does things; how she operates; how she handles patients and peers; how she converses with strangers; maybe even how she lives her life in general. I don't know what I'll get from this, but they tell me it's for my own good.

I want to curse at them, but for the sake of my reputation and the job that I love, I bow to them and say thank you. Pushing down everything I'm feeling for the sake of my career.

I feel helpless as usual as I pull my suitcase towards Kinsei's chief of surgery, the man I'll be reporting to about the progress of my book. Finally accepting my fate as usual, I tread slowly to his office. Apparently, he's the man who'll be able to help me, give me a solution to the glaring problem in my existence. I see him arguing with another person- a surgeon, judging from her coat. Maybe she's the one they picked to help me, and I just know she's arguing about why she was given additional work. I feel sorry for her. Surgeons already have a lot on their plate, and some stranger shadowing you and asking you questions isn't exactly a pleasant walk in a field. She probably doesn't like me already, and she'll probably hate me at the end of this acquantanceship, but for the sake of her career, I'm sure she'll keep her feelings to herself like I would.

I hear Dr. Seo introduce me to the doctor as I enter through the glass doors of his office. The doctor he was arguing with, turns around to give me a handshake, an automatic response when meeting someone professionally.

"Hi. Good afternoon, Dr. Jung. Nice to meet you. I'll be in your care from now on." I say, after shaking her hand.

As I stood there, putting on the nicest mask I could muster, I find out his solution to all my problems is this girl. A stuttering, complete mess of a surgeon.

Maybe I'm a hundred percent sure they gave me the program's dud.

"What's your favorite color?" I ask Chorong. We've been talking for an hour, lying in the hood of my car, our backs against the windshield. She has my jacket draped over her like a blanket, to keep her warm despite the continuous cool breeze. 

She sips on her beer. "Pink. Yours?"

Ah, I hate Pink.

"Blue." I say. "The dark ones."

We were silent for a few seconds, with me thinking of a new topic, when she takes another sip of her beer. "So, what made you decide to be a doctor?"

"Are you finally interviewing me for your book now, Ms. Park?" I chuckle.

"Maybe... You don't even know what I'm writing about." she teases for the nth time, laughing a bit too.

"Well, I hope this helps with whatever you're writing then." I say. "It was my childhood dream. Like most kids, I wanted to be a doctor because they looked so cool... And because my dad was one-"

She gives her full attention to me as I talk. "-then I think I decided to specialize in surgery when I saw Dr. Seo operate when I was in med school."

"He was that amazing huh? Lucky for you, you were able to train under him then."

I nod. "Really lucky. Though, I think all my luck ran out when the universe had him mentor me and Bomi. And I definitely need that luck back this year."

"For what?"

"Fifth year residents like me and Bomi are going to take board exams this November. We take it so the medical board can see if we're ready to become fellows. Our hospital, Kinsei, only hires the top three as an attending. It doesn't matter if you were from their program, if you're not one of the top three, they won't hire you. The only thing that matters is that you're one of the best from the batch."

"What if you were bad on paper but better on the actual skills?" she asks. I love how attentive she is about things.

"They average everything. The exam consists of three parts: a written exam, a skill demonstration, and an interview. Your average result determines your rank."

"Sounds hard." she mumbles, her finger pointing towards the sky, tracing stars.

"It is..." I nod. "So, Dr. Seo made a deal with me. If I get the top spot, he'll give me the house we're living in. The problem is, I don't think we can do it."

"That house? Why would that be your prize?" she asks, clearly puzzled.

"I-.. well.." I say, mentally hitting myself in the head for letting myself talk about this again.

Oh well, I don't mind telling her.

"It used to belong to our family."

She stops tracing and looks at me silently, waiting for me to explain why. 

"Five years ago, my mom and dad were constantly fighting about money. My mom had suddenly developed gambling problems among other things, and it was taking its toll on our family's finances. One day, she passes out out of the blue, so we rushed her to the hospital. There, we found out my mother had a tumor, on her brain. Her frontal lobe to be exact. It was apparently growing there for about ten years, affecting her decisions and impulses. Explained all the gambling and the impulsive buying, all the things that made her and dad fight over the years. My dad immediately had her admitted and start treatment. I was an intern, my brother Minki was in uni. With all her gambling and shopping, our family was just a little above all the bills. When we found out she was sick, the rest of our money all went to her treatment. Even with all the help the hospital and his colleagues could spare, eventually, we couldn't keep up with all the debt, and the bank took our house to pay for our loans."

I pause for a while to breathe a bit and take another swig of my beer. It's been years since I've talked about this chapter of my life.

"My dad took it hard during that time too, he was blaming himself for not thinking that there might be something wrong with mom when she started to gradually change. He felt like it was all his fault because he was a doctor, he should've noticed-"

I sigh deeply and Chorong just patiently waits for me to continue.

"-he should've known. He blamed himself so much, he threw himself into his work when my mom died. He got into a car accident, going home from work one day because he was so exhausted, he fell asleep behind the wheel."

"I'm sorry...." Chorong comforts me. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah." I tell her and smile. "The accident damaged a few nerves in his hands, causing him to give up surgery, but he seems okay now, happy even, and still practicing medicine. He's back at home with Minki in Busan. I get to visit them whenever I get a long break. Which is not a lot, really. But our family's used to that."

I chuckle. "Wow, that was too much for tonight wasn't it?"

"It was fine." she replies. She smiles at me, as if to show reassurance.

"So about the house," I continue, trying to lighten up our conversation. "Dr. Seo bought the property during foreclosure around two or three years ago. He was my dad's junior, and said the least he could do for my dad was to keep the house for a while, and let me live there. He also said that the only chance I can get it back for free is if I secure first place at the incoming board exams this year."

"And the problem is? Aren't you one of Kinsei's prized residents though?" she asks. "I've seen yours and Bomi's internship recruitment posters posted all over the hospital. Saying you were part of the special program, that you both finished a year earlier than your batch during med school and whatnot?"

"Oh, God. I hated those. But I couldn't do anything against Dr. Seo-" I say, my hands automatically hiding my face from embarrassment.

"-The problem is, there's a re