12: Nightmare

After troublemaker’s debut, Hyunseung and Hyuna had been praised for their good job. Appa Hong congratulated Hyunseung especially because it was his first job on his own, without the other BEAST members to cover when he was lacking, to compliment him, and he was doing it great. Since then, he had participated in many shows, won various awards and there was even a little scandal about him going out with Hyuna (to which they laughed nonstop and joked about it).

He had never been the most popular of them, but since troublemaker’s debut, Honeys had increased in number and heart (if that was possible). And he was happy, excited, overjoyed. There wasn’t an exact word to describe how he was feeling at the very moment.

However, at the same time Honeys increased, the antifans also did.

Comments like “He should thank Hyuna that now he’s popular”, “It would be better if he wasn’t there”, “He’s just a backstage dancer” or “This is just good because of Hyuna” were the light ones. Every day he would receive a bunch of letter from fans and antifans. It didn’t matter that it was forbidden for them to get into the building (fanclub letters just arrived on Wednesday); they somehow managed to get it and slip those under their door. And it was Junhyung’s duty (because he decided it was) to intercept all of them and not let Hyunseung see them.

In order to get them before anyone, he would always get the door when the bell rang, enter the apartment first and never let Hyunseung alone in it. Thankfully, the other guys helped him in those tasks and they never let Hyunseung read those letters. Day by day, Junhyung would run to the rooftop and read the letters one by one, and select those Hyunseung could read and those he couldn’t.

Sometimes he just laughed at their attempt to make Hyunseung look bad or their silly angry letters… some other times he wouldn’t finish reading and just threw it into the trash bin to let it burn to ashes.

After two weeks, he was starting to feel tired of reading one after one those letters in and he was even about to give up and just burn them all, when he found a little white envelopment that was kind of heavy for its size. Wondering what it was, he opened and something that seemed as a key-charm fell from it. Junhyung lifted it at his eye level and admired the cute caricature in it: it was a smiling mini Hyunseung. “Never stop smiling” said the letter and Junhyung wouldn’t agree more. Finally, the search had been worth something and he was sure Hyunseung would love the Key-charm (though he wanted to keep it to himself).

And again he continued with the selecting letters.

That was until he found one that was obviously from an anti or maybe it wasn’t. He wasn’t really sure. He just hated it. Hated it for it said Hyunseung didn’t fit BEAST as he didn’t fit Big bang; for saying he fit troublemaker better; for saying he should quit BEAST and stay with Troublemaker since he did better there… and since he looked happier there.

Was it really like that? Was Hyunseung really better with troublemaker than with them? What if Hyunseung thought the same? Should he ask him? No, no. What if he never thought about it and Junhyung’s gives him the idea? No, no. He would never let that happen.

Not wanting to think more about it, he ripped the letter in many tiny pieces, threw it to the trash bin and watched it burn to ashes, making sure there wasn’t any piece left.

“Hey, Hyung~” Greeted Yoseob as Hyunseung entered the apartment. It was Saturday and none of them had schedule, except for Hyunseung of course, who was just arriving from another music show.

“Hey, what are you watching?” He greeted back and asked in a worn out voice. He sounded tired and he looked even more tired.

“A scary movie! Wanna watch it with us, hyung?” asked the maknae.

It had been long since they last sat there to watch TV the six of them. Usually they would be too tired, or one of them would be missing because of their schedule. The one at the moment was Hyunseung. Since troublemaker, he always had a busy schedule and it became hard for them to get to see him even at breakfast, lunch or dinner.

“Sure, why not?” And that was a chance they wouldn’t miss “Err… where do I sit?”

Junhyung, Yoseob, Doojoon and Kikwang were somehow pressed in the long couch for three people while Dongwoon had the single one for himself. And since there wasn’t anywhere else to sit —beside the floor— Hyunseung decided the maknae would make a comfortable couch —and Junhyung regretted now kicking the maknae from his previous sit— so he sat on Dongwoon’s  lap.

The movie was about people living their worst nightmare and deaths and bla bla bla. It wasn’t actually that good and it wasn’t even near scary, but it gave them a good topic to talk about: fears.

Yoseob was the first one to voice out a nightmare he once had about a world with no candies. It took them a good 10 minutes to finally stop laughing at Yoseob’s childish fear.

Kikwang then said when he was still a student and was participating on a dance contest two girls came to him and told him to “break a leg”. Since then he’s had this horrible nightmare that he falls and breaks a leg and can’t dance again before an important show.

Once again, it took them another long ten minutes to stop laughing at Kikwang’s innocence —or was it dumbness? They even had to explain him the meaning of that phrase and that his fears were unfounded because the girls were just cheering him.  

“Dongwoonie’s should be bugs” said Junhyung “A cloud of bees around him, maybe?”

“You talk as if you didn’t fear them too!”

“By we can handle them better than you” And Yoseob was right at that. No one was as afraid of bugs and Dongwoon was. So, of course they would always torture him with that.

Uh~~ Mean Hyungs. He might have nightmares.

“Disband” It was Doojoon’s voice that made them go silent. “My worst nightmare is that we would have to disband.

To disband was probably the worst fear of every band, but it was also something unavoidable. Sooner or later they would walk their own way, different from the other or it could be the same, but they would have to do it on their own. BEAST wouldn’t last forever, even if they wanted it to and they knew it; they just hopped for it to be a very distant day.

 “What’s that?” Suddenly maknae said, breaking the awkward atmosphere that had around them.

“What’s what?” Asked Yoseob, trying to figure out what the he meant —and trying to divert his attention to something else.

“Make silence” Turning the TV on mute, they did as they were told.

Junhyung perked his ears, trying to concentrate on whatever sound Dongwoon might have heard and it didn’t take him too long to hear something.

“Was that… a snore?”

“The neighbour snores so loud!” Commented Kikwang in amazement and Yoseob hit him for been so dumb.

“It’s not the neighbour, idiot”

“Who is it then?” Kikwang asked while rubbing his poor head.

“Hyunseung Hyung”

It wasn’t the first time he fell asleep on them —he usually does it at the car—, but it was weird to see him actually sleeping before making sure Dongwoon, Kikwang and Yoseob are in bed. He would even bug Doojoon enough to make sure he’ll be going to bed soon, and both leader and rapper would follow his orders just because they knew Hyunseung wouldn’t sleep if he knew they weren’t even if he was in his bed. If they had something to do, he would just help them with it in order for them to go to bed earlier. That was just how he was.

“Hyung~” Kikwang sang softly, not sure if he wanted to wake him up or not.

“He’s sleeping so peacefully” added Yoseob with a smile listening to his Hyung’s softly snores.

“Let’s not wake him up” leader said and they nodded “Come one, Wonnie. Help me get him into his bed”

With that, both Doojoon and Dongwoon lifted Hyunseung in their arms, but it was uncomfortable to carry him like that, so Dongwoon decided to do it alone.

“Wow, I always knew hyung was light, but I never thought he was this light” he added with a bit worried voice. And who wouldn’t? Junhyung himself was worried sick when he realised how Hyunseung’s collar bone started to show up more —he started feeding more since then.

After they —it was most Dongwoon’s doing, but they all watched— set him on his bed, one by one decided it was time to go to bed too and saying their respective ‘goodnights’  they all head off to their own rooms.

Well, all except Junhyung. He didn’t feel like sleeping. Well, he did feel like sleeping, but he didn’t want to sleep alone… no, not in that way; he just… he just missed Hyunseung. It was been more than three months since he moved into Dongwoon’s room and, even though they were in better terms, Junhyung still couldn’t get used to sleeping in different rooms. That’s something he liked about the trips: he would always share a room with Hyunseung.

Hoping the maknae would be finally asleep —he had been rolling in his bed or a whole hour— he opened the door, ready to sneak into Hyunseung’s bed, just to find Yoseob already curled into Hyunseung side and Dongwoon at the other. 

“These brats…” turning to his side, he saw Doojoon, arms crossed over his chest.

“mmm… I don’t wanna sleep with you two” Complained a sleepy Kikwang, pillow in hand

When did they get there?

“Not a choice” and with that, Doojoon dragged Kikwang and Junhyung to Dongwoon’s bed and ordered them to sleep. Kikwang mumbled a complain about how Doojoon forces them to sleep while Hyunseung does it nicely, kind of mother like; but before Doojoon is able to say anything to defend himself, Kikwang has drifted to dreamland already.

There wasn’t much space for the three of them —Dongwoon’s bed was smaller than Hyunseung’s— so Junhyung had no other choice than to sleep on a futon Doojoon placed on the floor.

It didn’t take long before Doojoon fell asleep too, so it was only Junhyung listening to the music their bandmates did even while sleeping, just that it was composed with soft snores and sighs. Well, it was nice to be the six of them together in a same room again, even if he wasn’t beside Hyunseung. It was nice to be together, the six of them.

“Hyung~ how was your day?” Yoseob greeted as Hyunseung made his way into the apartment.

“Tiresome” he answered shortly with a bright smile before joining them at the dining table.

“And you’re happy because it was tiresome?” Doojoon asked not getting Hyunseung behaviour.

“I don’t get anything out of complaining, do I?” And he has a point there, but Junhyung senses it’s not just that. When no one says anything else, they continue eating.

“Oh! By the way, manager Hyung called” Dongwoon remembered.

“Oh, really?” Hyunseung perked at that.

“Yeah, he said he’ll come later and that you should be ready”

“Be ready for what?” Junhyung wondered and they all turned to Hyunseung. However, he just sat there and continued eating, ignoring the wondering glances that were thrown his way.

Just as Junhyung was about to ask him more about it, they heard the door opening and few seconds after, they saw their manager. As soon as he saw him, Hyunseung jumped from his sit and he and manager hyung left to the living room.

None them understood anything, but Junhyung was sure of one thing: something was going to happen. He wasn’t sure what, but he knew something —bad or good— was going to happen.

They didn’t have to wait too long to know what it was since manager hyung asked them to come to the living room and made them sit. He said Hyunseung needed to inform them of something so they should wait until he comes from his room. As Hyunseung took more and more time doing whatever he was doing in his room, Junhyung and the rest of BEAST were getting impatient. But soon the agony of wait was replaced by another agony feeling when Hyunseung came to the living room with two big suitcases. As soon as he saw it, Junhyung stood up, already afraid of what Hyunseung might want to tell them.

“W-what are those?” he asked, afraid of the answer.

“These are my stuff. All my stuff” No

“Why?” why had he packed his stuff? If he was going on a trip he wouldn’t need that much? Why?

“I’m moving out. I… I’m leaving BEAST”

“What??!!” No, he didn’t say that. He didn’t just say that. Hyunseung COULDN’T have said that.

“I’ve realised I don’t fit in here. You guys are all talented and I’m just weird in here” No, it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. “After troublemaker, I’ve realised I like that better. I like troublemaker better than BEAST and well, Appa Hong said it was better for me too, so, yeah. I’m leaving”

Why are you smiling, Jang Hyunseung? How can you be happy for leaving us?   

Junhyung turned to his band mates and they did nothing. Literally NOTHING.

“What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you say something?” he yells at them.

“Why don’t you?” Yoseob answers him with emotionless eyes.

Why don’t I? Why don’t I!

“Well, I leaving now guys” Hyunseung turned his back to him and started walking away from them. Leaving them.

Hyunseung

He calls, but his voice seems to be chocked in his throat.

Hyunseung!

He calls again, but Hyunseung doesn’t hear him. Why can’t he yell?

Hyunseung!!

He just walks away and Junhyung tries to run to him, to stop him, but his feet feel weights as lead.

Why can’t he move?

Not giving up, he tries to shout out Hyunseung’s name once again. He needs Hyunseung to hear him. He has to hear him.

“JANG HYUNSEUNG, I LOVE YOU!!” he manages to shout and this time, Hyunseung stops and turns around. However, he isn’t smiling his soft smile.

“Disgusting” He says with blank expression and he feels his voice echoing in his head —Disgusting, disgusting. You are so disgusting— and his own heart crashing into pieces as he watches Hyunseung turn and walk away, leaving him there, shouting his name hoping it would make him stop —Hyunseung, Hyunseung, Hyunseung— again and again. He can’t leave. No!

“HYUNSEUNG!!”

And then he’s sat on the bed, his breath hitching, his whole body sweating and shaking. He looks around and he is in his room, which brings him to realization. It was dream.

 “Hyung, are you ok?” Suddenly Dongwoon appears at his side.

“Ah, yes, I am” He answers a bit out of breath. ing ty dream.

“A bad dream?”

“yeah, I...” he wasn’t sure if he should tell the maknae about his dream. What if it gives away his feeling for their doe-eye dancer?

“Hyung?” However, he knew he needed to say it to someone and since Hyunseung wasn’t there at the moment…

“I… dreamed that Hyunseung was leaving us” and there it goes. The change in Dongwoon’s face didn’t help him feel better. Maybe he was suspecting something “I- I mean, It was as if we were disbanding and it’s the worst nightmare I could have so… it felt so real… well, you know…”

“Hyung… That wasn’t a dream”

He lifted his eyes from the covers and looked straight at the maknae's eyes. “What?”

“Hyunseung did left yesterday… you were just too shocked to stop him”

“No…” this… this wasn’t real.

Not believing the maknae’s word Junhyung got out of bed and run to Hyunseung’s room just to find his clothes missing; his shoes weren’t there anymore; his laptop, his hats… everything. In the whole apartment wasn’t a single thing that would remind him of Hyunseung. It was as if he was trying to disappear from his lives; from Junhyung’s life.

He walked into the living room and reached for their albums. Nothing would have prepared him for what he saw: Hyunseung was missing in the album covers. Not really getting the meaning of this, he walked into the kitchen to meet Dongwoon again.  

“Dongwoon-ah, what’s this?” he asked, a bit mad a bit scared.

“What’s what?”

“This!” he said showing him one of their albums.

“Ah… our second mini album?”

“I know that! I mean, why isn’t Hyunseung in it? Why are there just five of us?”

“What are you talking about Hyung? We’ve always been five for a long time”

“What?”

And then Dongwoon went into his room again. What was the meaning of this?

Just as he was about to follow Dongwoon into his room, the TV . Junhyung was about to shut it off when he saw the face he oh so wanted to see: Hyunseung.

“…We’ve been doing great and we’re having an open concert tomorrow at…” what the hell was going on. Why was Hyunseung there? Why wasn’t him with them?

“I’ve heard you were eating with BEAST yesterday” asked the interviewer.

“Ah, ani, ani. We just happened to met at the same restaurant” why was he talking about? Why wouldn’t they work together? They’re a band, they’re…

Fear filling him, Junhyung reached for his cellphone on his pocket and looked for Hyunseung’s pics in it. However, as soon as he found one, Hyunseung’s face would disappear and leave an empty space.

No…

It was probably his phone. It probably had something wrong. In a fast movement he was in his room, looking for his wallet. As soon as he found it, he looked for the strip of pictures he and Hyunseung had taken at the amusement park, and again Hyunseung’s face disappeared of it.

No… Hyunseung.

“Ani, I don’t want to work with them anymore”

No.

“I’m better without them”

No!

“I’m better without Junhyung”

 “NOO!!!!!!”

And then he’s sat on the futon, his breath hitching, his whole body sweating and shaking. No one came to his side this time, but he didn’t care. He got up from the futon as fast as he could and ran to the living room, looking for their CD’s: there were the six of them in every photo album. Just then he was able to breathe a bit more easily. He the TV and looked one after another if there was anything suspecting or wrong in the shows or the news: there wasn’t.

Just as he was about to go into Hyunseung’s room, the front door opened revealing the one and only person Junhyung wanted to see at the moment. Not thinking about it twice, Junhyung practically run into him and hugged him tight.

“J-Junhyung-ah, w-what are you doing?” ignoring his friends question, Junhyung tightened his hug and buried his face into the nape Hyunseung’s neck. “Jun…”

“Don’t leave. Please, don’t leave” He couldn’t stop himself.

“Junhyung-ah, what are you talking about”

“Please don’t, hyung…” and he couldn’t hold his tears back anymore. He cried like a child, but he didn’t care. The only thing he cared about was that Hyunseung wouldn’t leave. He couldn’t leave.

“J-jun, you’re face is too hot” He felt Hyunseung’s hands on his forehead. They were cold and it felt nice

“Jun, your burning!” 

Was he?

“Come on, let’s get you in bed” he said while guiding him to his room.

Why did Hyunseung’s voice sounded so distant? No, he was losing him again!

Fearing that his suspects might be true, Junhyung pulled Hyunseung and hugged him again, making them both fall onto the floor with that; him on top of Hyunseung.

“Junhyung-ah, what’s wrong?” Hyunseung asked in worried voice, not really caring that Junhyung had them fall on the hard floor.

He didn’t know what happened after that. He just heard Hyunseung’s worried voice calling out his name until he finally out. 

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Inspiration is the Key.

This chapter was inspired in something that happened two weeks ago: A horrible nigthmare becoming true. 

Something about three months ago I had this horrible dream of my cat dying in my arms. I really love my cat. He's really precious to me. But then, two weeks ago he got sick. It was so sudden that I couldn't do anything. And just like in that dream, he died in my arms. 

I miss him so much.