Seulgi literally couldn’t sleep last night. She was extremely happy but she had to manage her expression. Why? Irene might not want Seulgi to know about the last night’s kiss. That was probably why Irene asked whether the taller was asleep or not before... it happened. It was a kiss on a cheek. For a lot of people it might not mean anything. However it meant a lot for Seulgi. She never thought that Irene would do that. She didn’t really understand nor know why it happened, but she was just really happy that there was a chance that Irene... might like her too.

“Seulgi, are you done yet?” Irene called her. Seulgi could see Irene’s figure behind the curtain. She was changing her clothes and then she quickly pulled down her shirt. “Yeah! I am now!” She went out and tied up her hair. She gave Irene a bright smile and the girl replied with the same kind of smile. Seulgi really didn’t know what to do and just smiled almost all the time.

“You seem happy, Kang Seulgi,” Irene gently elbowed Seulgi.

“The day is really nice, don’t you think? Aren’t you happy too?”

“Yeah... I am. It’s a little sad because now we’re packing to go back.”

There was a disappointment in Irene’s eyes. Seulgi was worried that the latter might feel down along the way home. So she took Irene’s hand and looked at her. “Seulgi?” Irene asked and stared at her confusedly. “I’ll take you here again. We can make it our escape place! I want you to be happy.” It sounded like a very impulsive idea but Seulgi’s tone was very serious. Irene smiled at the younger and took her hand. She then placed both of her hand on Seulgi’s cheek.

“Thank you. You’re lovely.”

Irene then left Seulgi blushing and started packing her stuff into her bag. Seulgi looked at Irene and she couldn’t stop looking at her with such endearing gaze. She realized that she has fallen, but she wasn’t really sure. She wanted to know whether what she felt was really a romantic feeling or just a star-struck. She was confused and she thought of the only way to make her sure.

For the first time, Seulgi tried to be brave and really determined to ask someone she liked.

Back in high school, Seulgi had a crush on Soojung, the school’s princess. They were quite close and being so friendly towards each other because they were in the same class and attended the same after school course. Sometimes Soojung would be Seulgi’s model for her photography project—it was also another excuse to be with Soojung.

Seulgi knew that she had to tell Soojung or she might not get the chance ever again. She was a coward because she didn’t want to make things awkward between them. They were good friends and Seulgi didn’t want to lose Soojung. But she did. Soojung dated someone else and it broke her heart. She tried to be okay but she was not and then she acted cold, unlike how she used to be.

Soojung confronted her and so Seulgi confessed. Seulgi never thought that Soojung actually liked her back. However, Soojung was unsure because Seulgi never asked and made sure that she liked her back. Soojung gave up and thought that maybe best friends was as far as they could go. Seulgi regretted that she didn’t ask first. Of course Soojung was happy even though they didn’t end up together. The regret has gone now.

Now, Seulgi didn’t want to feel that regret anymore.

“Irene,” she called while driving. Irene was seemed to enjoy the view from the window. “Yeah?” It has been a few hours after they left the camping site. They made a stop to fill the gas tank and had lunch. During that time, Seulgi kept thinking about Irene, her feeling, last night kiss, and whether or not she should ask Irene about... it.

“I dare you to shout out from the window.”

“Wh—are you serious? You’re daring me now?”

“You said I could dare you. You dared me last night.”

“I... did.”

“So? I dare you.”

“Shout what out, exactly?”

“Hmm,” she thought for a while. Irene looked a little worried. She probably has never done something so absurd like that. “Shout ‘I love you, Kang Seulgi!’ and I will take you back to the camping site when you want to escape from the reality.”

Irene laughed at the idea. “Really? You want me to confess?” she asked, not knowing that Seulgi would melt at the word ‘confess’. “I dare you.” Seulgi tried to sound firm and steady, denying that her heart beat might make her faint. She could hear that the window pane was lowered down. She took a look at Irene who had stuck her head out a little from the window.

“KANG SEULGI! I LOVE YOU!”

Seulgi was literally all red. It was her idea but she didn’t know that the effect would be that strong. “Look at your face! Are you embarrassed now that you dared me to do that?” Irene said as she raised the window up again. “N-no! I am not!” Seulgi replied nervously. “I just didn’t think that you’d actually do that.” Lie. She really hoped that Irene would ever say it for real, not just because of a dare.

“So, you’ll keep your word, right?”

“Yeah.. of course.”

And so she expected another trip with Irene. Just the two of them.

{ * * * }

They arrived at Irene’s around mid-afternoon. They didn’t stop in front of the lobby. Seulgi stopped at the park near the apartment. “Did you enjoy the short trip?” she asked. Irene nodded and gave a smile. “I liked it a lot. I hope I won’t be too busy so we can do it again.” Seulgi also wished for the same thing. She looked at Irene who looked back at her. As if there was something that they wanted to say.

“Even if it’s not camping... would you go out with me?”

“Why not? It has always been nice with you, Seulgi.”

“It has?”

“It has.”

“Then would you like to go out with me?”

“I said—”

Irene paused for a few seconds. Seulgi noticed that Irene now has realized what Seulgi really meant by going out with her. “...you mean, go out... date you?” Irene blinked. Seulgi’s hear was beating fast and she could feel that her blood ran through the veins just as fast. She didn’t know what happened to her, it felt so... so unfamiliar yet exciting and yet worrisome. It was her first time asking someone out.

“Seulgi, do you like me?”

“I do.” That was the fastest response she ever gave.

“Do you really like me or are you still not sure about it? Is it real?”

Seulgi didn’t know what to say. It was the exact same question she asked herself a lot of times. Especially last night and that morning. “I... I do. I really like you, Irene.” She replied but somehow she was not confident. She knew that she really did like Irene. Why doubted? “I’m... I’m sorry, Seulgi. Maybe what you feel is just a feeling for a friend; you’re fond of me. I like you too. You’re a really good friend and I would love to hang out with you. But I don’t think it’s... romantic. I mean, not in the romantic way.” Irene replied as she looked at Seulgi apologetically.

The younger was lost at words. She couldn’t think of anything. Her heart just dropped and she felt like she had lost something. Now she doubted herself and was sure that Irene didn’t feel the same. She looked down and then back to Irene. However it felt so hard to look at Irene in the eye. “M-maybe... sorry, I was being stupid.” Her voice cracked a little. She turned her attention to the steering wheel. She turned the engine on again and drove Irene back to her place.

“Seulgi...” Irene called as she received her bag from Seulgi. Seulgi closed the van door and hesitantly looked at Irene. “I’m sorry... I personally am not open for... anything romantic.” Irene’s voice somehow hurt Seulgi and she just lowered her head even more. “It’s fine. I’m sorry. Just... let’s say that it didn’t happen.” Now she looked up and forced herself to look at Irene.

Irene looked so beautiful even now, even after she said no, Seulgi still looked at her so dearly.

“Let’s be good friends, okay? You’re still my model, you know that?”

Seulgi knew that Irene tried to lighten up the mood so she gave her a little smile. “Yeah.”

“Tell me if ther—”

“Enjoy the rest of the day, Irene.”

Seulgi couldn’t force herself to stay when she wanted to run away. She was embarrassed but she also wanted to cry. Irene said no. She was rejected by Irene. The reality hit her; the situation was not the same as how it was with Soojung. She started the engine and left. She knew it was rude but she just couldn’t stay.

If you’re not up to something romantic, if you don’t like me that way, what did the kiss mean?

It was just a kiss on the cheek. Maybe it was just a peck but she felt that it went longer. Maybe it was just Irene’s way to thank someone and she has done it a lot of times to others. Maybe Seulgi just made everything up, including her feeling towards Irene. Maybe it was just her.

It was just Seulgi who overthought about Irene and her feeling.

It was her first time being so brave, but she was stupid.

That was what Seulgi believed as she drove back with a broken heart.

{ * * * }

“Hey, Sooyoung. I was wrong.”

“What? What wrong, Seulgi?”

“She didn’t know that I like her. I told her. She doesn’t like me that way.”

“You wHAT?”

“I feel stupid. Of course she doesn’t like me. She wouldn’t like me. I don’t have anything to make her like me.”

“Kang Seulgi...”

“So this is how it feels to be rejected. I was afraid that I would feel rejected... that was why I couldn’t bring myself to ask Soojung out back then. I was afraid to feel this way.”

“Seul, look—”

“I feel it in the end. For the first time. It doesn’t feel nice, Sooyoung. Not at all.”

“Seul, are you crying? Oh my god, where are you now?”

“Home. Don’t come here. I don’t want to see anyone. Not yet.”

“Hey, look. I’m sorry... I—I,”

“It’s okay. I was just stupid. I am stupid. Would Irene ever want to be with someone stupid? No.”

“You’re not stupid okay. Stop saying that. Seulgi, don’t give up. If you really like her, don’t give up. Prove it to her, Seul.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know. Maybe she was right. Maybe I just admire her, not like her romantically.”

“Is that what you believe?”

“I don’t know!”

“Seul, I’m—”

“I’m hanging up.”