Never in a million of dreams have Jaebum dreamt of the day he'll see his Youngjae again. The whole point of him entering such a sensitive industry was to avoid Choi Youngjae for the rest of his life. Idols are the ones with deadly restrictions. And Jaebum hoped to take advantage of that fact. Well, he learned to love making music and performing also. But the main goal was to hide himself far away from the love of his life. Because the guilt and pain were too much for his own weak heart to handle. Without him, Youngjae would live a better life.

 

Though, of course, fate has other plans.

 

"-so if you could sign this contract, and we'll be good to go," Youngjae smiled after briefly going over the contract. "All of Im Jaebum-ssi's legal activities will be of my responsibilities."

 

Lee Byun viewed the contract and signed without much doubt of the young lawyer. "Thank you, Youngjae-ssi. If there is anything you need, please let us know. We will provide."

 

"All I hope for is my client's honesty. Be honest and straightforward and everything will be much easier for both parties."

 

"Of course," Jet's CEO laughed, side-eyeing his best artist, "Right, Jaebum?"

 

Took a few seconds for Jaebum to realize that there were others in the room. He snapped out of his trance and turned his eyes cold. "Yes. I'll try my best… Um… Young-Youngjae-ssi…"

 

Jaebum swore he could hear Myungdae suppressing a laugh. He proceeded to kick his best friend under the table, which caused the soccer player to yelp out in pain. Everyone turned their attention on Myungdae, who awkwardly smiled and gestured for them to don't mind him.

 

Youngjae closed the folders and gathered his things. "Very well then. If there's nothing else, I'll excuse myself for the day. I'll meet you all at Jet tomorrow morning."

 

They all watched as the lawyer packed up and slipped on his coat. No one was going to deny how handsome the young man was. So professional and good-looking. Lee Byun felt a pang when he realized Choi Youngjae wasn't an artist at his agency. That face and calming voice could sell out an entire baseball stadium. The grace that Youngjae possessed was mesmerizing. Even Youngmi, who's known to be questionably uninterested in men, was captivated by the soft manliness of Choi Youngjae.

 

Myungdae didn't miss the chance to lean in and whispered devilishly in Jaebum's ear, "Ten years and he grew up to be such a fine man. Good to eat, yeah?"

 

"Go yourself," Jaebum glared. "I'm sure you felt it, too. Something isn't right."

 

"Obviously," Myungdae rolled his eyes. Myungdae being Myungdae wasn't always a good existence, however, this time it was. Before Youngjae could step out of the house, the soccer player cheerfully called out, "Youngjae-ssi!"

 

"Yes?" Youngjae turned around.

 

"How about you, me, and Jaebummie here," Myungdae flung an arm over his annoyed best friend's shoulders, "Meet up tonight for dinner? Just, you know, get to know each other first and foremost. Youngjae-ssi, you seem to be around our age. Maybe we all could become friends."

 

The manager quirked an eyebrow, "I'm sure Youngjae-ssi is busy trying to pull Jaebum's out of that scandal. He doesn't-"

 

The CEO knew what kind of person Choi Myungdae is, and this whole dinner thing flashed a big red sign, "Yes, Youngjae-ssi, you don't have to accept these kids' childish invitation-"

 

Smiling, Youngjae nodded politely, "It's no problem. I don't mind."

 

"The man has spoken!" Myungdae grinned rather evilly, "Then may I have your number, so I can text you the address and time?"

 

"Of course!"

 

Jaebum never wanted to crawl into a hole so badly before.

 

<||><||><||><||><||>

 

"Excuse me, sir," Kang Han rolled his eyes, "You're going to dinner with the nation's biggest idol and soccer player, and you're dressing like that? I should have known."

 

"I'm a lawyer meeting up with his client, thank you very much," Youngjae continued tying his tie.

 

"Your whole closet consists of suits. I get it. But I’m begging you. At least give me some face.”

 

“You’re not the one going, Han-ah,” Youngjae sighed and looked at himself in the mirror, “Why are you here anyways?”

 

“Bored. And you’re going out, so I’m going to watch your place for you.”

 

“You’re usually out sleeping with one of your clients around this time, though.”

 

Kang Han shrugged, swirling the glass of wine slowly, “I guess I’m a little heartbroken today.”

 

Youngjae did a double take, “Wait. What? Heartbroken? You? Wow. I thought I’ll never see the day someone hurt you to the point you’re just moping around instead of going out for rebounds.”

 

“I’ll tell you when you get home. Just don’t want to be alone tonight, you know.”

 

Patting his poor best friend’s head, Youngjae smiled softly, “I’ll be back soon, okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Kang Han smiled for a second before his eyes turned strict and judgey. He forced himself to his feet and rudely pushed his best friend aside to raid the boring lawyer’s closet. Disappointed with his wasted efforts at finding something a bit more dashing, Kang Han sighed and turned back to his best friend. “Okay, at least the first two buttons and toss away the tie. It’s supposed to be a casual dinner, right? No need to look like an uptight churchboy.”

 

“But-”

 

Without another word, Kang Han did everything himself. Although the brown suit was slim-fitting and hugged Youngjae’s body so perfectly, it was too formal. His best friend was going to dinner with two famous people in the country, not to the office to grind on tedious cases. Kang Han managed to force Youngjae into some fitted black trousers. He kept the suit jacket on since Youngjae literally was going to throw a fit. But of course, the tie was tossed to the floor. And the first two buttons of the white shirt were ed, exposing a little bit of skin that will only show from too much arm and shoulder movement. It didn’t stop there. Not after Kang Han styled Youngjae’s usual comma hair into a classy and voluminous side-swept. “Yes! Show that forehead!”

 

Youngjae rolled his eyes, “Great. You make me look like you whenever you go out to hang with your little girlfriends.”

 

Kang Han only grinned, “Look, I know it’s not your style at all, but you look ing delicious!”

 

“I’m a lawyer.”

 

“Who cares?”

 

“I do.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. JB and Myungdae are going to outdo you anyways. This look is to help you fit in somewhat. I don’t want you sticking out like a sore thumb with your suit and tie.”

 

To be honest, Youngjae didn’t entirely disliked the look. It was something really new. But very fresh. Something about looking like a bad boy seemed to click in Youngjae’s memories, but he couldn’t pinpoint what. Just a faceless stranger from deep within his mind. Just an unclear face of someone who seemed to be very important to him… Whatever. Now wasn’t the time. “All right. Thank you. I have to go now. See you in a bit?”

 

“Have fun~ Let me know if Im Jaebum is really gay~”

 

<||><||><||><||><||>

 

Yes, the lawyer showed up on time.

 

Yes, it has been about twenty minutes.

 

Yes, no one has said a word.

 

Yes, both Jaebum and Myungdae were too busy drooling over the masterpiece in front of them.

 

Yes, they both agreed telepathically that Choi Youngjae grew up to be one fine- man.

 

Clearing his throat, Youngjae felt a bit uncomfortable from the stares. He scratched his head and laughed awkwardly to change the atmosphere, “I’m sorry… My friend thought it would be funny to dress me up like this. I’m sorry I look weird-”

 

“NO!” Both the idol and athlete shouted in unison. Thank goodness they were in a private V.V.I.P. room or the manager would have already thrown their asses out for being too damn loud.

 

“Um… Okay…” Youngjae exhaled softly and turned back to look at the menu again like he’s trying to memorize every word written on it.

 

Shaking his head, Myungdae decided to break the ice. “You look very nice, Youngjae-ssi. It’s just this morning, you didn’t look like THIS. Sooooo we were just sort of, you know, shook. But besides the point, do you know what you’re going to order?” Waiting for their guest-of-honor to nod, Myungdae called the waitress, who was standing in the corner with nervousness vividly flashing in her doe eyes, over to take their orders.

 

“I’ll have a filet mignon, medium rare,” the lawyer ordered in a rather professional tone, contradicting his playboy makeover.

 

“I’ll have the same,” Jaebum finally spoke up for the first time during the past twenty minutes.

 

Myungdae scoffed and rolled his eyes, “I’ll take a king salmon cooked medium with a side of brown rice, extra butter, extra gold flakes, no oil on anything, no onions on anything, and also add a side order of thinly sliced Hanwoo cooked rare. You got all that?”

 

“Y-yes, sir…” The waitress looked terrified as she frantically scribbled all the requests on her little notepad with trembling hands.

 

“Oh! And a bottle of Chateau Ste Michelle Merlot.”

 

“Ye-yes!”

 

After the waitress took up the menus and left in a rush, Youngjae chuckled and shook his head, “You’re a picky eater, Myungdae-ssi?”

 

To this, Myungdae simply smiled, “I grew up from a struggling family, so now that I’m rich, I might as well enjoy food in the way I like them.”

 

“Well, that certainly isn’t a bad thing at all,” Youngjae smiled back, but instead of matching the athlete’s carefree one, his smile was laced with a bit of sadness. “You’re putting your money out, so of course you would want to get the right things that would make you happy.”

 

“Oh? Sounds like you grew up differently?” Myungdae wasn’t going to press things this earlier into the evening, but his curiosity was eating him alive. And the pained look on Jaebum’s face bothered the out of him. “Tell me about your childhood, Youngjae-ssi.”

 

At this sudden, subtle demand, Jaebum’s eyes widened as he stared at his best friend’s nonchalant demeanor. Jaebum desperately wanted to reach out and straggle Myungdae for even bringing something so sensitive up in such a cunning manner. Especially when the person Myungdae was manipulating was Choi Youngjae, the love Jaebum could never forget.  

 

Whatever that comes out of Youngjae’s mouth now will make Jaebum regret not jumping off that hospital’s roof ten years ago.

 

With a mysterious small smile, Youngjae shook his head, “As much as I want to tell you all about my, most likely, hectic childhood, I can’t really recall anything… There’s a gap…”

 

That hurt more than Jaebum thought.

 

“A gap?” Myungdae questioned, leaning a bit towards the young lawyer.

 

“Well, all I know is that I was in an accident and woke up with my memories all jumbled up. Everything was a blur. I didn’t even know who I was, where I was, or why I was in a hospital in the first place. The doctors said I might have amnesia or something. They weren’t sure, because there weren’t any signs of it. They said I was a rare case. And so I went on with life, basically not knowing the sixteen years I’ve lived.” Youngjae said, eyes casting down at the table cloth, “I’m sorry… I know we all just met. I shouldn’t have bored you two with my sob story.”

 

Jaebum could feel the needles slowly pushing through his heart.

 

Myungdae smiled sympathetically, feeling Jaebum’s pain as his own, “It’s nice that you trust us enough to open up to us. But that must , huh? Living like that… Not knowing everything you’ve done to anyone you’ve crossed paths with… Not knowing the amount of effects you left on someone…” He glanced over at Jaebum, who hung his head down and clenched his jaw in anger. Myungdae reached over and squeezed Jaebum’s thigh in comfort, “Do those memories come back?”

 

At this, Jaebum lifted his head and looked at Youngjae hopefully.

 

“Not really. They would come and go, I guess you could say that. There’s missing pieces everywhere. It’s ridiculously annoying sometimes. And whenever I tried hard to remember or think about it, my head would feel like someone put a bullet in it. I’m on meds now because I kept pushing to remember. Like there’s something there. I’m so sure of it. Because I keep seeing this person-”

 

“Per-person?” Jaebum choked out anxiously.

 

“Yes…” Youngjae looked sad all of a sudden. “This sounds ridiculous, but it’s a boy? I… I never saw his face, though. For some awful reason, I can never see his face clearly. There’s always something blocking it. But it seems like this boy has been there all my life? I see random flashes here and there of me in all ages up until sixteen, and he was always there. But I could never remember… Well, along with a lot of things, but it frustrates me so much that I can’t seem to get this boy out of my head.”

 

Jaebum wanted to scream. Wanted to scream out to Youngjae so bad. But he couldn’t. He stared at Youngjae and could see the frustration written all over his face. Youngjae only started talking about it, and already he seemed completely bothered. Jaebum felt defeated. Hurt. Thrown away. Abandoned.

 

But then again. It was Jaebum who abandoned Youngjae first.

 

What rights does Jaebum have?

 

This casual dinner is not a good idea now. Myungdae can’t shake off the way Jaebum’s pleading gaze turned cold and emotionless like the persona he possessed onstage. It’s been a long time since Myungdae last saw Jaebum’s eyes harbor any speck of emotion. During the time Youngjae talked, Jaebum showed so much emotion that even Myungdae felt all the pain and sorrows and self-blame crawled under his own skin. He can’t stand this anymore. This was too much for Jaebum to handle. And now the sweet and expressive Im Jaebum disappeared back into his cave. Myungdae already knew what Jaebum was thinking. “I’m really sorry to hear, Youngjae-ssi.”

 

“It’s okay. I’m used to it.”

 

Silence set in again. This time was different. Something heavy hung over the room like a curse. To the point, when the waitress came back in with the food and wine, she could feel the shiver down her back. Her hands shook a lot more. Feeling so much pressure concentrated in one enclosed space, the waitress couldn’t control her hands to stay steady as she poured the wine. She managed to pour the glasses for the idol and the athlete without making any dumb mistakes. But the moment she tried to do the same for the lawyer, her hands just gave out completely.

 

The wine bottle tipped a bit in the direction it wasn’t supposed to and spilled all over Youngjae’s suit jacket and pants. The lawyer reacted rather calmly, unlike the other two celebrities who were quick on their feet and called people to help clean up the mess.

 

“I-I’m s-s-so sorry, sir-sir!” The waitress panicked, grabbing the nearest napkin and attempted so hard to wipe Youngjae’s clothes.

 

Youngjae just laughed a little, “Hey, calm down. It’s fine.”

 

“B-but I’m-”

 

“What kind of service is this? Why aren’t you careful?! Did your manager not train you correctly?!” For some reason, Myungdae’s mood darkened rapidly. Usually, he wasn’t one to care about these things. But he was easily influenced by the sour atmosphere stemming from the talk of the past, Myungdae lost his usual playful self.

 

“Myungdae, stop,” Jaebum pulled his best friend to sit down. “You’re overreacting.”

 

“I agree. Myungdae-ssi, it isn’t a big deal. Please, have your seat.”

 

“Only because you said so,” Myungdae huffed and sat down grumpily. “I’m a regular here. It just surprised me. I’m sorry for my actions.”

 

Youngjae just smiled kindly at the nervous waitress, “Your first week?” The waitress nodded, tears b her eyes. Youngjae reached into the inside pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out a handkerchief. He handed it to the waitress, “Here. It’s okay. I got it. You can go now.”

 

The waitress took the handkerchief with shaky hands, “I’m so sor-sorry, sir…”

 

“Good luck, Miss,” Youngjae patted her shoulder. “Be careful next time.”

 

Of course, even with his mood gone, Myungdae’s jokes never missed a beat. “That’s how you get people misunderstanding your kindness, Youngjae-ssi.”

 

Showing that he’s not the right victim to the Choi Myungdae’s slyness, Youngjae shrugged off his suit jacket, “I thought she needed that after what you've said to her, Myungdae-ssi.”

 

The action caused a bit of movement, allowing the effect of those two ed buttons to reel in like a film. Youngjae didn’t seem to notice. Just focusing on cleaning himself up. But Myungdae and Jaebum certainly did. And that’s when they both saw it. Immediately, Myungdae grabbed Jaebum’s trembling hand under the table. This really was too much. Why must fate play with Jaebum’s already broken heart like this.

 

“That’s…” Myungdae forced the words out of his mouth, “That’s a very beautiful necklace, Youngjae-ssi.”

 

“Huh? Oh. This...” Youngjae halted and reached up to touch the golden feather hanging around his neck like a precious good luck charm. Youngjae smiled. He smiled a lot throughout the dinner, but this smile wasn’t like anything they had seen before. This smile was so genuine and soft. “I don’t know where it came from, but it was in my hand when I woke up from that coma ten years ago. I’m not sure why I kept it for this long. But something within me was telling me to keep it. Something told me I’ll regret throwing it away. So I just kept it. And honestly, I feel so safe with it on, so I wear it all the time. And it’s a habit now. I can’t leave anywhere without it.”

 

Jaebum should have fought with his life to not let this dinner go through. He should have opted out at the last minute like he planned to. He should have…

 

Because right now, it hurts so much.

 

Hurts so much to be able to see what he’s been craving and missing all his life but be unable to touch it. Unable to hide it from the world and keep it to himself and himself alone.

 

But all of that doesn’t matter anymore.

 

Youngjae and him are strangers now.

 

Nothing matters anymore.

 

<||><||><||><||><||>

 

Curling himself up against the wall, Jaebum held his head. This was normal. Every night. Every single ing night for the past ten years, Jaebum would come home from a tiring day and fall onto his bed. He’d curl up and let his insecurities overflow him like roaring hurricanes. He has to pretend during the day to be fine and be perfect for his fans and everyone around him. But once night falls, all he can think of is Youngjae.

 

Think of being able to hold Youngjae again.

 

Think of being able to see Youngjae smiles again.

 

Think of being able to be with Youngjae again.

 

But all those thoughts were in vain. Pointless. Useless.

 

What good would it do if he thought about all of that now?

 

What they had was so beautiful. So perfect. But Jaebum just had to ruin it with his own hands.

 

So what good would it do to think about having someone as vulnerable and perfect as Youngjae by his side again?

 

Didn’t he have enough of ruining Youngjae’s life?

 

Choi Youngjae. The love of his life.

 

Jaebum ruined him. So what good would it do?

 

Every night for the past ten years, Jaebum cried himself to sleep. Tonight was no different.

 

“I’m… I’m sorry, Youngjae-ah… I can’t,” his voice started to break along with his heart for the thousands of times, “I l-love you so much, Youngjae-ah… I’m so sorry… I love you. I love you. I lo-love you… I’m so sor-sorry…”

 

Maybe Youngjae forgetting him was the best thing that could have happened for both of them.

 

Maybe Jaebum deserves this.