Hoya couldn’t move. He was standing there looking at the older man, his mind went blank and all he could do was stare and breathe. Dongwoo’s words were still echoing and he was pretty sure his head was about to explode.  “Look Hoya, you don’t to make a big deal out of this w” Before he could continue the younger man raised a hand and stopped him. He was still trying to process what he just found out. He and Dongwoo…they kissed. What the hell? Why in the world would they even share the same saliva? Wait, did they? Was one of those kisses? Or was one of those kisses little kids give? Because if it was the second one Hoya could live with himself perfectly without a care in the world. But if it was the first one, he was pretty sure he would just cut his tongue. If he indeed participated on the act of exchanging saliva with the older man, he was pretty sure he was going to kill himself.

“We….kissed.” He said, trying to remain calm, but inside he was ready to kill people, burn villages and disappear from Korea. Dongwoo nodded and he just tried to breathe, but instead he could feel his Adam’s apple shake. This wasn’t good. He was feeling more nervous now than the day he debuted in Infinite. He was pretty sure that he was going to die right now. He was sure he was going to faint and would die. Right there. “We….we touched each other’s lips…We…we” Dongwoo wasn’t sure of what the younger man was thinking, but he was pretty sure Hoya was going to have a mental meltdown. The older crossed his arms and waited for the younger to be sure of what was happening. He looked pale and like he was ready to kill. It was a weird mix right now.

 A little amusing to be honest, but Dongwoo was trying his best to stay with a serious face. “How could that happen?” The younger asked and the older started thinking how it actually happened. “I think it was when we won nr1 for the first time.” Dongwoo started talking but the more Hoya heard, the harder it was to actually remember everything. “We all drank too much. Sungjong started crying saying he was the rejected one in Infinite when it came to couples, Woohyun dragged Sunggyu-Hyung to their room and Myungsoo felt asleep with Sungyeol on the floor.” Hoya didn’t care about that. For all he cared, the members could be eating each other up. It wasn’t relevant. He just wanted to know, he needed to know what made the two of them kiss. It wasn’t normal. They would just kiss because they felt like it. They weren’t friends. They were just working colleagues that happened to live in the same house. Nothing else.

“You and me stood awake and we continued drinking. Before I knew it, we were mak-“Hoya stopped him. “Don’t say it!” He was about to hear the words he didn’t want to hear.  He couldn’t believe he was about to hear those words. God, what was wrong with them? Why did they do something like that? How drunk was he? Really, how drunk was he to do something like that? He would never, ever, in his wildest dreams do something like that. He would never touch Dongwoo that way. He would never touch the man no matter what. Not even if he was forced. “Stop freaking out Hoya! Jesus! We just made out! It’s not the end of the world.”

Hoya was now staring at the older man and he didn’t know what to say. Sure, he was freaking out a lot and a normal person probably wouldn’t act like that. But he just couldn’t help it. He couldn’t believe that he was hearing those things. He couldn’t believe that those things actually happened. “I can’t believe I kissed you.” Or made out. It was the same for him. It meant sharing saliva. “Well, I can’t believe you rubbed yourself on me while you were kissing me.” It kept getting better and better. He looked to Dongwoo and he saw the older man wasn’t happy at all. Actually he looked rather pissed. But he shouldn’t the one who should be pissed was Hoya. “And I’m not even going to mention that you were ha” Hoya placed a hand on his mouth. He could feel his face burning up and his insides twisting. What was wrong with him? Did he seriously did all of those things?

“Stop saying things!” Hoya said with his voice cracking and he couldn’t believe he was hearing all of that. He covered the older man’s mouth and Dongwoo just stood there looking to the younger with a very confused face. Hoya was taking deep breaths and he was pretty sure his face was red as his shirt. He just wanted to die. He wanted to die and or at least go def. One of those things. He would be happy with one of those things. Dongwoo pulled away and cleaned his mouth. Why in the world was Hoya behaving like that? “God Hoya. What the hell? So you have your hormones jumping once in a while. What’s the big deal?” Dongwoo wasn’t understanding a single thing. Hoya was behaving like the worst thing in the world happened. Sure, he wasn’t too fond of the idea of making out with Hoya wither, but the two of them were drunk and probably needy. They were next to each other, so it happened. It wouldn’t be the first time in the world.

Hoya didn’t even thought. He just shouted an answer. An answer that made Dongwoo stare at him with a very hurt face. It was like his heart broke into millions of pieces when he heard that.  “Because I find it disgusting!” He shouted and Dongwoo started biting his lower lip. “I find us having any kind of interaction the most disgusting thing in the world!” The older man looked down to his feet. Sure, they weren’t the best friends everyone thought they were, but he never thought the two of them together were disgusting. He just thought they were plain awkward. Hoya covered his mouth after realizing what he just said. He was an idiot. He was a jackass. He couldn’t believe he actually said something so hurtful like that. Could he be any worst? He reached for the older man who looked completely crushed. “…I…I’m sorry hyung.”

“I’m the one who’s sorry Hoya.” Dongwoo said as he pulled away from the younger man, not even daring to look at his face. “Sorry for making you feel disgusted with yourself.” With that Dongwoo went back to the waiting room and left Hoya completely alone in the hall. What the hell was wrong with him? Why in the world did he said something like that? He would never say that. Especially because he didn’t meant it. “I’m a jackass!” He whispered and passed a hand through his hair.

Hoya couldn’t sleep. He had tossed and turned countless of times in his bed but the sleep wouldn’t come. Instead, he couldn’t help but replay the time Dongwoo left him. The older man looked like he just heard the worst thing in his life. Hoya was pretty sure he was going to pay for that sooner or later. He was sure that the older man would tell everything to Sunggyu or Myungsoo and one of the two would go to him and kick his for doing such a thing to Dongwoo. But he didn’t meant it, he really didn’t. It just left his lips before he could stop it. And sure, he could live with himself for being known as an idiot, but things were getting worst as he kept on thinking of a very Dongwoo and how did he felt when he kissed the older man. Did he liked it? Did he actually wanted more to the point he started doing those things to the older man? Did wanted more? Was he the one who started the whole kissing? Was he the one who turned a simple kiss into a make out session?

As he kept thinking all of those things, Hoya didn’t know if he should smile or cry. He was feeling so frustrated at that point he just wanted to do something about it.  He seat on his bed and rubbed his eyes a little. He wasn’t going to get any sleep if he kept thinking on what possible happened that night and if he kept on imagining a Dongwoo. And he certainly wouldn’t be able to fall asleep if he kept on thinking about how idiotic he was. He grabbed his cell phone and took a deep breath. He was going to send a text, but he was pretty sure he shouldn’t. “I’m so freaking messed up.” With that, he hit send and waited. All he could do was wait.