angst. fluff. vent writing tbh.

Words- 2234

"You're going to see what I see and you're going to realise that I'm not what you want, that I'm not what you've ever wanted."

°•°•°

Nothing. That's what Seungkwan felt like. He felt like nothing.

All felt a swirl of all yet no emotions. He felt so alive yet so numb. He felt like nothing. Everything cancelled each other out and made him feel drunk. So drunk that nothing matters or feels real anymore.

He didn't want anyone near him, he didn't want anyone to see him. Not now. Because no one would understand.

He felt so useless. So broken beyond repair. So empty.

Why? Hansol Vernon Chwe that's why.

It's not like Hansol was being a bad boyfriend and making him feel like crap, no never Hansol would never. It was the opposite. He was being an amazing boyfriend. He was being supportive and loving of Seungkwan at a constant.

But it felt too good to be true. It felt like Seungkwan was close to heaven and it felt too good, too good for someone like Seungkwan.

Seungkwan would never and has never said that to anyone. He's never admitted that he doesn't think he's anywhere good enough for Vernon.

Because he's confident. 
Because he's self-obsessed.
Because he believes he's perfect. 
Because those are all lies.

Lies that make Seungkwan someone who people don't mind saying something about because "it's not like he'll care". Lies that build up walls around him. Lies that deceive and convince people that he's okay.

But he's not. He's not okay.

Especially now, sitting in the dorm bathroom, sobbing softly into his knees at 1:52 in the morning just wanting to stop feeling so much but at the same time yearning to feel like something, anything.

"What's your biggest fear?" A jokey question people usually ask you. Most people would answer "heights" or "snakes" or something like that.

That's usually what Seungkwan would say because his biggest fear is too much of a burden for other people to handle. We often lie I'm situations like this. Because we don't actually want people knowing what we're most afraid of. Because that shows our weaknesses it shows where we crumble and fall like ancient buildings. It shows where and when we let go. It shows the nerves you have to strike.

People knowing his weaknesses is the last thing Seungkwan needs. He doesn't want people walking on egg shells around him but he doesn't want them to think he's faking it for attention either. He just wants people to know and see who he is and how he feels. But he can't tell them. They can't know. No one can. Not his parents. Not his band members. Not his boyfriend.

"What's your biggest fear?"

Answer truthfully. Think about it really. Don't say something like "heights" or "snakes" think about the thing that people could use. People could bring up and you'd just crumble and fall. Not just physically, but emotionally. Something that can completely shift you and break you if you let it.

Seungkwan's biggest fear? People seeing him the way he sees himself.

Or even more so; Hansol seeing him how he sees himself.

He still believes that Hansol can't be real, he can't be as true as he is. He doesn't want to let go because Hansol is all that Seungkwan is holding onto right now.

Hansol is a fresh breath of air and a scent he wants to breathe in forever. Hansol is the taste on his lips that he never wants to lose.
Hansol is the illusion Seungkwan is afraid will let go of him before he can let go of it.
Hansol is the safe haven and Seungkwan doesn't want to go home

Seungkwan awaits yet dreads the day that Hansol wakes up and says to himself that Seungkwan isn't what he wants.

Seungkwan knows that sooner or later it'll be over. But right now he doesn't want to let go. But how can you hold onto a rope that ain't attached to anything?

He knows he should be the bigger man. He knows he should just break up with Hansol before Hansol breaks up with him. He should give Hansol the answer before he can ask himself the question.

Seungkwan's crying takes a hitch as he hears three soft knocks on the bathroom door.

"Boo? Babe are you in there?" He hears from the other side of the door. He hastily dries his cheeks and splashes some water on his face as he replies a weary "One sec"

Seungkwan opens the door to a dishevelled looking Hansol, who's squinting into the bright lights of the bathroom.

"Hey, you alright?" Hansol asks tenderly, placing his hand on Seungkwan's cheek and feeling the slight wetness of it.

"Yeah fine, go back to bed I just needed the bathroom" Seungkwan lies through his teeth at the younger boy, almost, almost feeling bad.

"I know you're lying. C'mon we're gonna have a little talk" Hansol says softly, holding onto Seungkwan's hand.

"No seriously you can go back to bed I'm okay" Lies

"Why would I do that when you're out here and not with me in bed huh?" Hansol asks softly, readjusting some of Seungkwan's fringe.

The shorter boy blushes, turning his head to the side as he lets Hansol lead him to the living room.

As Hansol sits on the couch Seungkwan follows slowly, sitting further away than Hansol would have liked, causing him to take action and pull the other boy closer to him.

"Babe, what's wrong?" Hansol asks quietly while brushing his fingers through Seungkwan's hair.

"Nothing it's fine-"

"Please stop lying to me Seungkwan I'm not an idiot." Hansol insists.

"I just I think I should - we should" he takes a deep breath "maybe we should break up"

And everything falls, crashes and breaks in Hansol. His hope, his courage, his heart.

"Seungkwan" he breaths "Why, why on earth would you want to break up? Let me try again tell me what I did we can fix this please don't"

"No Hansol you didn't do anything it's me, it's just me. I'm the problem and you'll realise that one day so I'm letting you go. I'm allowing you to leave. Allowing you to find someone, someone better" Seungkwan cries softly, looking towards his hands.

"What do you mean someone better. You're already the best I could hope for Seungkwan." Hansol pleads.

"That's exactly it. I'm not. I'm nowhere near good enough I'm not the best you can get. I'm nothing Hansol, nothing. And one day you're going to realise that. One day you're going to see that me, that us, that this isn't worth it. That you can do so much better. You're going to see what I see and you're going to realise that I'm not what you want, that I'm not what you've ever wanted." Seungkwan exclaims, crying harder, hand shaking.

Hansol has to take a second to realise what he just heard. To understand what Seungkwan just said.

"You're going to see what I see and you're going to realise that I'm not what you want, that I'm not what you've ever wanted." That same sentence repeats itself in Hansol mind and it hurts him even more than he is already.

He feels like he's dreaming, this feels fake. Hansol never ever in his entire life could even imagine such a heartbreaking sentence come out of Seungkwan's mouth.

"Seungkwan" Hansol speaks urgently, making the other boy look up at him slightly frightened but still crying.

"Oh, my gosh Seungkwan" he sighs, standing up and pulling the shorter boy into his arms.

Seungkwan holds on to the warmth Hansol is providing him with because he knows that warmth, that love Hansol gives him is slipping from his fingers by the second. And he knows he's not gonna be able to reach out and grab it again after it slips.

He sobs harder into the other boy's chest, his tears leaking through Hansol's shirt. He almost wants to pull away and apologize but he needs to hold on right now.

"Seungkwan, look at me" Hansol whispers, pulling away and placing his hands on Seungkwan's shoulders.

Seungkwan's heart shatters even more as he sees Hansol's tear filled eyes and quivering lip.

"Seungkwan Boo you have always and will always be what I want. You will never be someone I grow tired of, and I will never wake up one day and see you in any other way than through loving eyes. Because you are who I chose, who I chose two years ago. You are where my heart lies. You are the best thing I've ever gotten in my life and I will not stand for you believing other wise." Hansol breaths out with full sincerity, making sure to get his point across as best he can because he wants, he needs Seungkwan to believe him right now. Because he's not going to risk losing him, not after all they've faced together.

"Hansol I - I'm so sorry I'm so stupid I just why is that so hard for me to understand" Seungkwan hiccups, looking to the ground.

"I don't know, I don't. I wish I did. I wish I could take all this pain away from you. But I can't do that either. Only you can. But I'll be here every day to help you see how wonderful and worth it, you are Seungkwan. Because you deserve everything you have. You deserve me, I deserve you. That's where we stand and I wanna make sure you see that and understand that. And you will one-day" Hansol speaks while putting his hands on Seungkwan's cheeks to make him look Hansol in the eyes. "But you can't do it alone. You need me and the members to help you. Because you don't deserve to do it alone. And I won't let you."

"I - Hansol- Thank you" Seungkwan struggles for words, leaning into Hansol touch as Hansol starts to try his cheeks.

Maybe Hansol's warmth and love won't be slipping away as soon s he thought.

"I love you. I love you so much more than you could ever imagine. But I need you to talk to me about this stuff. Please. Let me help. Let me help you see you through my eyes." Hansol whispers, placing small kisses over Seungkwan's face.

"I love you too. Thank you Hansol" He blushes and holds onto his still- boyfriend.

"You don't have to thank me" Hansol chuckles, hugging back.

"Now cmon let's go to bed you must be tired" Hansol smiles and kisses Seungkwan on the cheek.

"Okay" Seungkwan smiles back as they walk to Hansol's room.

"Okay goodni-"

"You're sleeping with me tonight," Hansol says quickly.

"We're in bunks I don't think-"

"It's fine, besides you'll be so close to me you won't take up space"

Seungkwan allows the other boy to drag him into his room and to his bunk.

Hansol gets in first and opens the blanket with his arm for Seungkwan to get in. Which he does and he moves right against Hansol's chest and tangled their legs together. Hansol places the blanket down around them before putting his arms around Seungkwan, getting comfortable.

"Remember that I'm here, I'm always here. Right beside you in your life. Never doubt that." Hansol whispers placing a soft kiss on Seungkwan's forehead.

Seungkwan buries his head further into Hansol's chest as his cheeks heat up. He grips a bit tighter around Hansol's waist as if to say "thank you, I love you" and soon enough they drift off to sleep.

---

The next morning Hansol wakes up first and takes the opportunity to just lay there with Seungkwan and admire what he's been blessed with.

Hansol still doesn't understand how Seungkwan could ever think so badly of himself but he knows that he'll be there for Seungkwan no matter what and that he will help the other boy get through this to the best of his ability.

"Mm" Seungkwan stirs, scrunching up his nose making Hansol mentally aww.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer" the older boy hums softly making Hansol chuckle.

"Morning beautiful" Hansol smiles, kissing Seungkwan's cheek

"You're so cheesy" Seungkwan looks to the top bunk, avoiding Hansol's eyes and trying not to smile.

"You love it" Hansol teases. There's a moment of silence until Hansol speaks up again.

"Hey" he moves Seungkwan's head to look at him and smiles "I just woke and I would like to say that you're the only thing I want and will ever want. Also that I love you. Very much"

Seungkwan blushes and tries to move his face but Hansol keeps his grip on the other boy's jaw.

"I'd prefer it if you were to look at me while I kiss you" Hansol mumbles before pressing his lips to Seungkwan's. Seungkwan, despite practical getting a warning, was still surprised and took a second to kiss back. He loves kissing Hansol. He loves holding Hansol like this. He just loves Hansol. And he hopes that one day he'll realise just how much Hansol loves him.

-- 
Fin

I CANT COMMIT TO STORIES HAVE MORE ONESHOTS. also self promo but I have a meanie book that's an actual full length story not just a oneshot but y'all don't care.  Anywho thanks for reading byee.