“The sky is blue and the sun is shining,

My tears can be seen,

Why is it you, why did it have to be you?

Why can’t I  just leave you?”

I’ve been thinking about these lyrics for a while now, relating it to not my love life but with my depression. Somehow it resonates with me, relating in such a different way than it’s supposed to. The song is supposed to be about a person who can’t seem to get over his past lover, still being in love even after they have broken up. It’s obvious that they are desperate to get over that person, but at the same time you can tell that they also yearn to be loved again by them.

I’ve done basically all there needs to be to get better. Medication, therapy sessions, meditation, journaling--no matter how hard I try to run from it, or even run towards it, it still haunts me. I’m not sure why this is happening or why this happened to me but I hope one day it will decide to finally leave me alone. I know there’s also a possibility that I’ll live like this forever, but… that’s okay.

I have been this way for the majority of my life. Irrational and overthinking, not being able to fall asleep, cloudy state of mind for the whole day, restlessness that not even coffee can seem to fix--this is all I’ve known.

I can’t remember anything before I became this way, before my mind started to take over me instead of me controlling it myself. I remember in one of my past therapy sessions, my therapist said that depression can make you forget a lot of things, so I guess that’s why I don’t remember much of my past, or even my happiest moments as a child. 

This is all I’ve known. Drowning in my own thoughts, not being able to stop them which leads to me not being able to sleep. It’s weird, frustrating at times, but I’ve learned to accept it as is. 

I stare into the ceiling of my dorm room, it’s almost as if the black spots are growing. Am I seeing things again? It’s almost 4:30 AM. My entire body is exhausted, my mind is too--but it won’t stop. 

Sojung is fast asleep. After our conversation about Yuna the other day, she seems to be in a better state of mind. She’s majoring in Korean and English literature which usually automatically means that she’s some type of a poet too. Her desk is often messy with scrap paper laying around coated with hints of coffee stains on them, scribbled with words and lines of sentences. These days, she’s been writing a lot about love. 

I grabbed my phone from my nightstand and decided to text Sinb. She's probably deep asleep right now but she said I can text her even when she’s asleep.

[04:32 AM You] r u awake babe?

*ting!*

[04:32 AM TtinB] mhm, are you okay?

[04:32 AM You] im not sure, y r u awake?

[04:33 AM TtinB] i was asleep but i heard my phone vibrate, do you need anything?

[04:33 AM You] no not really. i just missed u. 

[04:33 AM TtinB] i’ll come over, sit tight love bug

[04:34 AAM You] what? no sinb it’s okay it’s so late

Aaand… no reply. I sat up on my bed and stretched my exhausted body. I quickly went and grabbed two bottles of banana milk that Eunbi loves so much. I didn’t want to wake Sojung up, so I put on a hoodie and waited until Eunbi knocked. She started knocking once Sojung started living in the room.

After about 10 minutes, I heard a couple of soft knocks on the door. I opened the door and led my way outside with her.

“Hi” I said to Eunbi with a smile.

“Hello” she giggled back. 

I held out my hand and she immediately intertwined her fingers into mine. We walked down to our dorm building’s walkway.

***

“You know you didn’t have to come over” I told her as we sat on a bench, it was chilly and dark. The warm colored street lights made it easier to see, though. Eunbi always looked so pretty under the moonlight.

Eunbi yawned in response. “I know right, but guess what? I missed you too.”

“Hm..” I hummed with a cheeky smile and pulled out the banana milk from my hoodie’s front pocket, shaking them in my hands in front of Eunbi.

“God bless. I’m starving” Eunbi said with a big smile. “Thanks babe” 

“You’re hungry? You didn’t eat dinner?” I asked. Eunbi isn't the type to skip meals.

“I did, I’m just hungry” She answered with a chuckle.

“Hmm..” I hummed again. “I’m sort of hungry too.. so... McDonalds or cheesy TTeokbokki?”

“Cheesy tteokbokki! Been craving that for a while now, how did you know?” 

“Because you’re my girlfriend and I know what you crave….?” 

“Liar, you’ve been craving that too haven’t you?” 

I only giggled in response and stood up from the bench, holding out my hand again only for Eunbi to put hers into. She looked up from my hand to meet my eyes for a quick second, she smiled warmly and I knew what she was thinking. 

I love you more, Eunbi.