“F**k!” Himchan sat upright in a cold sweat, his breath shallow and his nerves on edge. He felt as if he ran a 20 mile marathon nonstop. Like he had been hit with a steam roller. He glanced down beside him and sighed at the woman sleeping soundly beside him. He let out a small groan as he noticed the other woman beside him, sleeping peacefully. He scanned the room. Clothes, underwear, booze, remnants of recreational drugs, all evidence of his crimes laid before him. He squeezed his eyes shut, burying his face in his hands.

-Two weeks ago-

“The body of Jane Doe was found in the middle Tokki Park, near the children’s play park. It was found that the severe beating of her face and the mutilation of her stomach was done post mortem. Cause of death was found to be a lethal slash at the coronary artery. Baby Doe was fou-” Himchan shut off the TV, running into the nearest bathroom of the hideout.

Yongguk looked at his friend in sympathy as he swiftly gestured for the rest of the boys to head to their respective rooms. They looked at each other for a moment, understanding the gravity of the situation yet not wanting to leave their leader alone. Yongguk gave them one last stern look before the boys began filing to their rooms. Yongguk let out a small sigh, running his fingers through his silky hair as he slowly trailed after Himchan. He slightly opened the door to the bathroom only to find his best friend puking his guts into the toilet.

“It’s her isn’t it…” Himchan’s voice was barely a murmur. A ghost of Himchan. Hallow. Empty.

“They haven’t confir-”

“DON’T BULL ME! IT’S HER ISN’T!?” Yongguk fell silent. The only thing left in the room was the stewing tension exuding from Himchan.

“Yeah….from the note we found shoved down Vincent’s throat…” Yongguk paused, noticing Himchan’s obvious flinch at his words. “We were able to collect some scraps of evidence before the media swarm…from Youngjae’s findings it’s probably Mari…. 

Himchan’s eyes were lifeless. Dull. Like he could be stabbed right in the eye and he wouldn’t give a . “Y/N probably saw the news didn’t she…”

“Most likely…” Yongguk knew that at this point, the last thing Himchan wanted to hear was pretty words and sweet lies. Those would only hurt more when the truth settled in.

“They were suppose to be happy…” Himchan could feel warm tears well up in his eyes. Yongguk did not know if those were addressed to him or Himchan himself. “Vincent was happily married and living his dream…” Himchan’s fist tightened, his nails digging into his skin. “He was suppose to be a father…” Himchan could no longer hold his tears any longer. The hot unfamiliar liquid streamed down his face. He was a failure. He couldn’t protect his Vincent’s future. Vincent who gave him a future. Because of of his mistakes, his friend lost his future.

Himchan shifted out of the bed, avoiding at all cost any chance of waking up the two sleeping women. He scratched the back of his head vigorously as he slipped on some clean boxers, memories of last night flooded his brain. The club, the dancing, the y girls coming onto his drunken slightly high state. God, now was the time he needed coffee. He opened his bedroom door only to be greeted to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and french toast. Himchan furrowed his eyebrows confused. He was pretty sure he was no longer high…he thinks. Either way, having hallucinations about a yummy breakfast didn’t sound too terrible. If only it was just an hallucination.

“Coffee?” Himchan’s eyes grew wide the moment his eyes laid upon your figure, a cup of joe in your hands. “Yongguk told me about this place…don’t be too harsh on him. It’s been a few weeks since I saw you…He was concerned…we both were. “ The last part of your words were barely above a murmur. Only meant for your ears to hear, but Himchan heard and it hurt him. It hurt him that he hurt you, yet you still cared about him.

“Y/N…” Himchan opened his words, confused, worried. He had hurt you. Betrayed you. Something he promised he would never do to you. But there you were. Standing just 5 feet away from his sin in the other room.

“I made enough food and coffee for your two….friends,” Himchan paled. You knew. You knew yet you were still here, pouring coffee as calmly as a well-trained barista. “I don’t know what they like so they’ll have just to stick with french toast.” You smiled politely at him as you handed him a cup of coffee.

“Y/N…I..I…” Himchan had so much to say, but he simply couldn’t get the words out of his mouth. 

“It’s okay, Himchan,” You smiled up at Himchan, gently cupping his cheek. “I understand why you did it. It hurts…but I understand and I’m not mad.” You placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

 It hurt everything in Himchan hurt. How could you be so kind? So understanding? The fact that you still loved and cared about him after he betrayed you, it hurt him more than any gunshot wound he received. Your touch burned him. Your sweet voice deafened. The sight of you made him want to cry. You were too perfect. Too out of reach for him. How could he deserve someone like you?

“Y/N…” Himchan solemnly entered the safe house the boys placed you in, in order to avoid another special package arriving at your doorstep.

“Hey Channie.” You smiled at him, your voice light hearted and sweet, but the slight red tinge in your eyes told him another story. You were crying. Crying hard. 

“Y/N, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. This is all my-” You immediately placed your hand over Himchan’s mouth shutting off his words. 

“Don’t you dare take the blame, Kim Himchan. This was not your fault, you understand. You did not kill Mari or Vincent. The INF did. Not you.” Your eyes softened at the distraught and pained man in front of you, pulling him into a tight embrace. Himchan felt disgusted. Not at you. At himself. The more time he spent with you. The more understanding you were. The more you cared about him. The more disgusted he felt. He needed to get away. He needed to distance himself. Or allow his self-hated to consume him. 

“You need to leave, Y/N.” Himchan’s voice was stern. But it wasn’t how he was before, full of passion and life. His voice now was empty, cold, robotic.

“Himchan, I’m not leaving. I’m not going to let you distance yourself from me…” You returned his stern look with a equally stubborn glare. You weren’t going to backdown. Himchan had distance himself from you, but it wasn’t like last time. It wasn’t the entire gang keeping their distance from you. It was just Himchan. He didn’t treat you like a stranger. Like you were nonexistent. He simply didn’t see you. Holing himself away at clubs and ion dens. Sam became so furious about his activities that he threatened to murder Himchan. You fortunately calmed him down, telling him that Himchan simply needed time. You understood more than anyone the damage a loss of someone you cared about could cause. You remembered the slew of late night drinking and almost drug binges to get your mind off Scotty, but fortunately Sam and Padrino stopped you. That didn’t stop you from at least trying to get your fix, going for prescription drugs instead.

“Do you not understand me!? I don’t want to see your face!” Himchan could feel his rage boil over. His rage at himself. For his incapabilities. For his insecurities. How dare you treat him well? How dare you love him? How dare you try to make him feel? Someone like him who can’t even protect the people he cared about. “I’m sick of seeing you. Of hearing your voice.”

You stared at Himchan. Dumbfounded at the venom leaving his mouth. It hurt you. A part of you wanted to understand him. Wanted to defend him, but the more rage and seething anger you saw seeping into his eyes, the more you wanted to scream back at him. You took a deep breath, balling your hands into a fist. Despite his vicious words, you needed to be strong. Stand your ground. Or at least try.

“Himchan, did you not hear me the first time? I’m not leaving.” Himchan could feel himself lose control. The more you defended him. Stood by his side, the crazier he felt. The angrier he felt.

Himchan scoffed, running his fingers through his hair. “You don’t get it do you? I don’t want see you, Y/N. Every time I see you I want to throw up,” He snorted. “I don’t even know why the hell I even love you. Loved you,” He glared at you. Glared at you with so much disdain that you could no longer tell if this was an act or truth. “If I hadn’t met you, then I could have happily live my life! Women, money, booze! I wouldn’t have to clean up after your husband’s mess with the INF! Vincent wouldn’t have had to died! God damn, I should have just let those Emperor Dragon’s take you! You’re nothing but trouble!” 

You stared at him wide eyed. Shocked. Empty. It was if your brain had completely shut off at Himchan’s words. You felt your heart crumble. Break into a fine powder that is washed away by the sorrow you felt. You hated him for his words. You loved him for his past kindness. You were confused. You felt as if time had slowed and you were watching this entire scene unfold from a distant. You were there, but not there. You felt no emotions, like a doll. You didn’t know how to feel, what to feel. All you understood in that moment was that this was the end.

You slowly took a step back away from him, placing your cup of coffee on the counter. You walked towards the door, almost mechanically. Your legs were guiding you without thought. You reached towards the door handle, gripping on the cold metal, and glanced back at Himchan. Giving one last chance. One last chance at happiness to be returned. For this not to end.

“After I walk out of this door, this will be the end, Himchan…” Your words were soft, like gentle air blowing on a spring day. 

Himchan wanted to reach out towards you. Pull you back and apologize for his stupid words, his stupid anger. But he couldn’t. Every fiber of his being wouldn’t allow him. He couldn’t protect you. He had no right to love you. You deserved better. You deserved to be happy. You didn’t need him in your life. Himchan gripped his fist tightly, his nails digging into his palms. He turned away, not looking into your eyes, simply glaring at the floor. 

You let out one last sad smile. Probably the last genuine smile you will give him. “Good-bye Himchan…”

The door shut with a hollow click, leaving only a broken man and silence.

 The walk towards Le Noir was quiet. You felt as if you were walking for ages, mindlessly going wherever your feet led you. You didn’t really care where you ended up. You just didn’t want to care. As much as you mastered keeping your emotions in check, you were still human. You still felt pain. You still felt love. But now. Now you felt nothing. You body didn’t feel as if it were yours. It was as if you were watching your life played for you on a big screen with only you in the audience. 

“Y/N,” Your body froze at the sound of your name pulling you back into reality. “Are you okay?” Jaebum closed the door of his car and approached you cautiously, not knowing how you would react in your distraught state. You looked up at him, stared into his deep brown eyes filled with concern and worry. You wanted to lie. Tell him you were fine. But you were so tired. You didn’t have the strength to say a word. “Y/N…” He gently put his hands on your shoulder and lowered himself so that he could look into your eyes. “What happened?” His voice barely above a whisper.

You gripped onto Jaebum’s shirt as if it were your only lifeline. You didn’t know if it was because of Himchan’s previous harsh words or the care and concern in Jaebum’s voice. The care and concern you thought Himchan felt for you. Warm, painful tears streamed from your eyes. All the pain and anger you welled up broke free. You buried your face within Jaebum’s shirt, hoping the neatly ironed white fabric would hide your tears. Warm arms wrapped around your frame, holding you tighter against Jaebum’s chest.

Jaebum watched you silently as you sipped on a cup of tea that he brewed for you. He had 100 million questions to ask you, but he knew now was not the time. He glanced over to see the rest of the members of his team peak through the window of the office he took over. He shot them a harsh glare, warning to them to skidaddle or they would hear an earful later.

He had wanted to take you back home, but you told him through your sob filled voice that due to circumstances you couldn’t go home. Circumstances, he rationalized, being Himchan. A part of him felt guilty that he hadn’t push harder for you to separate yourself from this life. It was as of he had let Scotty down again. A small part of him knew that no matter how hard he’d push you would never listen, ravishing in your independence and freedom of choice.

“Thank you…” Jaebum’s ears perked at the sound of your voice, though it was soft and empty in comparison to the fiery passion you usually held. 

“Can you tell me what happened, Y/N?” He almost pleaded. He wanted to help you, wanted you to be safe and happy. But he had his doubts. Dealing with the INF, the burning down of the Emperor Dragon’s hideout, and now with the current triple homicide. He didn’t know if he could help himself. You quietly stated at the mug, your soft fingers playing with the handle. Jaebum took your silence as a ‘no.’ “Is it about the current murders? We investigated and we know you two are friends…”

“It’s my fault…” You murmured, gripping the handle. “I shouldn’t have gotten involved. I should have listened to my mother…” The wave of sorrow you felt was now replaced with intense anger and hatred towards yourself. 

Jaebum immediately came to your side, kneeling beside you. “What are you talking about, Y/N? None of this is your fault.” He gently placed his hand on top of yours.

“You don’t understand…” You flashed him a forlorn smile. You took a deep breath, regaining your composure and shaking off the remnants of sorrow. At least temporarily. “I know who killed Mari and Vincent. It wasn’t some random homicide. It was the INF.”

“Wait, what?” Jaebum furrowed his eyebrows, confused by the sudden influx of information. “How do you know that?” You flashed him a sympathetic smile and he immediately understood. “Right…” 

“I’m sorry…” Jaebum just let out a snort, gently cupping your cheek so you would face him. A small smile on his face.

“Listen to me, you have nothing to be sorry for alright?” He gently tapped your nose as he headed outside his office for a moment to relay the newly obtained information to his colleagues. “Yah! You eavesdropping punks, get your asses over here!”

You stifled a giggling as you watched Jaebum nag and lecture 6 grown men. Your eyes softened and a small part of you wondered if you would have been happier if you had been with someone like Jaebum instead of Himchan. You shook your head, dispelling the thought. You loved Himchan…..you love him. It was a precious feeling that you refused to regret. You wouldn’t regret, but you needed to forget.

“Sorry about them,” Jaebum awkwardly chuckled, rubbing the back of his head. You smiled him, assuring him that it was okay that his team members saw your little crying fit. No use going into a frenzy over something trivial. “It’s been a long day.”

“That it has.” You nodded in agreement, waiting to see where Jaebum was going with this line of conversation. 

“Uh…if you don’t mind the cramped space you can stay at with us…it’s probably not ideal for you to stay with seven men, but-” Jaebum began to ramble between convincing you to stay with him and his team and saying how it wasn’t safe to do so.

“I’ve done worse,” You smiled at Jaebum before removing yourself from the not so comfy plastic chair. “But I have some work at Le Noir I want to finish up. Once I’m done, I’ll give you a call, okay?”

“You better,” Jaebum teased, letting out his own chuckle once he relaxed. “I’ll drive you back to Le Noir.” 

You nodded in agreement, opening the door to find 6 men “nonchalantly” going about their work. You smiled at them politely before exiting the building, Jaebum following behind you.

“Well who knew you could be so cuddly.” Jinyoung snorted, earning him a heated glare.

“Keep talking cause of if you do, you’ll find a foot up your .”

“Thanks for the ride,” You hugged your arms tightly. “And everything else.” You leaned up and gave him a chaste peck on the cheek.

 “Of course,” He smiled, gently grabbing your shoulders and pulling you into a hug. You grew stiff, suddenly unfamiliar with such warmth and human contact. “I know that we barely know each other and the only thing that ties you and me together is Scotty, but if you need anything….just let me know.”

 “Thank you…” You relaxed a bit and hugged the kind man back. You really wondered if this was the same ‘reckless punk’ your husband always complained about. He matured well and you knew in your heart that Scotty would be proud of the way his young partner had grown up.

Jaebum separated from you, his hands still on your shoulders. “And Y/N…I looked through Scotty’s notes on the case…” He could feel you stiffen at his words. “From what I can tell, there are some pieces missing. I don’t know if someone hacked the system or what, but I know the file was tampered….It looks like whatever Scotty found during his investigation is something even greater than INF, beyond the criminal scope…” He gently released his grip and placed his hands in his pocket. “I don’t know if Scotty mentioned anything to you or if he had concerns, but if you remember something please let me know.”

“I will…” Your mind raked through every memory you had with Scotty. You distinctly remembered that deep into the investigation you had found that Scotty had becoming more antsy, keeping a majority of his notes and files at home rather than the office. You would ask him why your home was becoming a storage unit, but he would merely smile saying they were renovating the building. You knew your husband better than that. He was living as if he had to watch his back 24 hours. You didn’t know what sparked the sudden paranoia.

“And Y/N?” You looked up at Jaebum, tilting your head slightly. “Be safe, okay?” You smiled at him once more, this time a bit more sincere than melancholic, before entering Le Noir.

“Satisfied?” Yongguk sighed, not knowing what his best friend was thinking at the moment.

Himchan stared at the entire scene, not uttering a word. A sound. Not even when you placed a kiss on Jaebum’s cheek. “It’s better this way.”

“That’s what you said last time…” Yongguk leaned back in the car seat, watching his friend stare at you as if he would never see you again.

“It’s different, Guk…last time…last time I was arrogant I thought that I could handle the INF that Y/N was a distraction….this time it’s completely different…” Himchan leaned back into the passenger seat as he downed a shot of vodka he brought along. “I can’t beat the INF…at least not with the way I am now. I have to be just as ruthless and heartless as they are. I don’t know if I’ll like what I’ve become or if I’ll still be Himchan. But, if she can find her own happiness and be safe….I’ll be okay…”

“Well whether you stay as Himchan or not, we still got your back,” Yongguk smiled, downing his own shot. “Brothers till death, right?” 

“Right.” The two boys light clashed their bottles together before drowning away in the clear liquid.

Thanks for reading! Comments and critiques are greatly appreciated and I’ll love you more haha XD jk jk I’ll love y’all no matter what!