May 2015

In Guk sighed as he flicked through the television channels, disinterested. He had been hospitalized for the past two days since coming back from Jungle – heat exhaustion and lack of fluids, nothing serious – and he was going bored out of his mind. His manager kept his hospitalization pretty low-key, and In Guk was grateful for the privacy. But the downside was that he had hardly any visitors and there was only so much sleeps that he could take.

A light knock on the door drew In Guk out of his channel search. “Come in,” he responded.

The room door slid open, and In Guk saw six faces staring back at him. “In Guk-hyung!” They stage-whispered.

“Hey, how come you guys are here?” In Guk asked in surprise as the VIXX members strolled in and did combinations of shaking his hand, slapping his back, and saying their hellos as they stood around his bed.

“We heard that you were hospitalized. So we came to visit you!” Hakyeon explained.

“Yeah, hyung. How are you?” Ravi asked with concern as Hyuk set down the fruit basket in front of him.

“I’m fine. Nothing to worry about,” In Guk replied. “I just had a severe headache and some vomiting after I came back from Jungle, so manager-hyung got me checked out. Turns out its just that I need some fluids and more rest.”

“Was Jungle really tough?” Hakyeon asked.

In Guk shook his head. “Wasn’t as tough as I expected. But definitely no walk in the park either!” He laughed. “Hyuk, didn’t you experience Jungle too?”

Hyuk blushed as he nodded. “It was tough for me. But definitely an experience. Filming it was fun though.”

“Fun?” Jaehwan looked at Hyuk incredulously.

Hyuk smirked at him and flexed his muscles. “I am a strong boy,” he told Jaehwan teasingly.

Everyone else laughed at Jaehwan’s admission of defeat.

“When will you be discharged?” Taekwoon asked.

“Hopefully tomorrow. This morning the doctor said that I was doing fine, but he just wants to keep me for another night of observation to be safe.”

The boys nodded in understanding.

“Take a seat, guys. Just make yourselves comfortable. I have some food too if you are hungry,” In Guk pointed to the container on the table.

“What kind of food?” Hyuk asked, his eyes lighted up as he went to take a peek at the container. Taekwoon followed him.

In Guk laughed, remembering how food was especially important to both Hyuk and Taekwoon. “I’m not sure, manager-hyung brought it this morning.”

The boys settled down around the room. Ravi, Hongbin and Jaehwan squeezed onto the couch, somehow acquiring the television remote and flipping through the channels, making commentary along the way. Hyuk sat on the armrest of the couch, leaning over the table, sharing the food with Taekwoon. Hakyeon settled himself on the end of In Guk’s bed.

“Aren’t you guys busy with your concert preparation? It’s soon right?” In Guk asked.

“Less than two weeks!” Jaehwan shouted out, his eyes never leaving the television screen.

Hakyeon nodded. “Yeah, it’s at the end of this month. We’re having crazy practices every day, but it’s coming together. I hope.” He added.

In Guk nodded. “But that’s why I’m surprised you guys managed to get time out to come here.”

“It’s our break time, so we asked manager-hyung to bring us here for a short while. We’ll be heading back to practice again after this,” Hakyeon explained. “Actually, we didn’t know that you were hospitalized at first. It was so hush-hush.”

“Yeah, I asked for it to be this way. No point announcing it and making everyone worried when it’s such a minor issue,” In Guk replied. “But I’m guessing manager-hyung still told you guys anyway right?”

Hakyeon nodded. “He knows how close we are.”

They all continued to chat for a while, and Jaehwan and Hyuk also entertained with jokes that they recently came across. In Guk was grateful for the company to help pass some of the boring time away.

“Excuse me while I use the rest room,” he told Hakyeon quietly as the other members were engrossed in trying to their elbows. Hakyeon nodded as he watched him go, suddenly noticing In Guk-hyung’s skinner frame. Wow, he really must have had it tough out there, Hakyeon thought. He’s really lost a lot of weight.

Brrr. Hakyeon heard the vibration of a handphone ringing in silent mode, and realized that it was In Guk’s phone. He looked to see if In Guk was coming back, and glanced at the phone.

‘Sunshine is calling’

Hakyeon was puzzled. Who? Then he grinned to himself. Sunshine, huh? Maybe In Guk-hyung is finally settling down. Good for you, hyung!

In Guk seemed to always be embroiled in lady-drama in real life, one way or another. Since he started acting, he was somehow always linked to his leading lady or another female cast member. Hakyeon was certain that it was because of In Guk’s good looks and easy-going charisma that made the ladies attracted to him and hope for his reciprocation. Of course, he knew from earlier sharing that In Guk had only ever been in love once – with a mysterious her that he never named or elaborated on. Not that Hakyeon minded though, he didn’t see a need for any lady advice at this point in time. And besides, Jaehwan gave it out to his VIXX brothers often enough anyway. Although Hakyeon was sure that “don’t ever, ever date” was not the best advice from Jaehwan to listen to.

Hakyeon, in all his 26 years of existence thus far, has never been in love. Not that he was aware of anyway. Sure, he had girlfriends back when he was in high school but they had all been more of ‘regular dates’ rather than ‘relationships’. After that in university he became a trainee and eventually joined VIXX, and that basically killed all time that he could have getting involved in a relationship anyway. Besides, after spending many nights with Jaehwan during the few months after VIXX debuted – providing tissues, making sure he ate, and giving a listening ear – Hakyeon concluded that falling in love was a scary thing to be avoided, especially if it meant the extent of the heartbreak after.

September 2012

Hakyeon woke up in the middle of the night, disoriented. He was generally quite a light sleeper, and hence any sound would wake him up quite easily. He turned to his side and was about to fall back to sleep when he noticed that Jaehwan’s futon beside him was empty. Maybe he went to the toilet, Hakyeon thought, and closed his eyes.

The next night, Hakyeon awoke again. This time, he noticed Jaehwan’s empty futon immediately, and frowned. What were the odds? Hakyeon decided to take a peek outside to check if Jaehwan really was in the toilet. He was surprised to spot Jaehwan curled up in their manager’s seat by the balcony. Should I approach him? Hakyeon was uncertain. Out of all the VIXX members, Jaehwan was the one person Hakyeon had yet to figure out and break through with. Granted, they were only together for a couple of months, but Hakyeon had the natural ability to make people feel at ease and open up to him, hence Jaehwan not responding to him as the others did made Hakyeon feel slightly intimidated. He took a deep breath and decided to approach Jaehwan.

“Jaehwan? Are you all right? Oh, I’m sorry – “ Hakyeon stopped short when he noticed that he had startled Jaehwan, who was quickly wiping his eyes.

“Yeah hyung, what is it?” Jaehwan asked gruffly, his voice hoarse and refusing to meet Hakyeon’s eyes.

“Nothing, I just heard a sound and came out and saw you here. I was concerned.” Hakyeon paused. “It is the wee hours in the morning too, we should all be asleep.”

“I’m fine, just couldn’t sleep. Thought the scenery could help.”

Hakyeon nodded slowly, but he was no fool. He made a decision and sat down on the floor beside Jaehwan. If Jaehwan was surprised, he didn’t show it. Nor did he shift his gaze from the scenery before them. Both of them sat there in silence for a few moments, until Hakyeon finally spoke. “I miss my family,” he disclosed quietly.

Jaehwan did not react, but inwardly he was surprised. Hakyeon always seemed strong and confident; he didn’t think that he would also be vulnerable.

“I had always wanted to be a dancer,” Hakyeon continued. “And although my parents were not too pleased, they still supported me and allowed me to pursue what I wanted. And now that I’m here… it’s weird but sometimes I wish I was back home and a normal kid again.”

“How many people are in your family?” Jaehwan figured that Hakyeon was not going to leave, and frankly, he was glad for the change in topic to take his mind off.

“There are 6 of us,” Hakyeon answered. “My dad and mum, an elder brother and two older sisters.”

“Really?” Jaehwan could not contain his surprised. “I always thought that you would have been a hyung.”

Hakyeon gave a grin. “Nope. Youngest and most childish.” He grew serious. “That’s why I don’t really know how to do this leader thing very well,” he confessed. “I have no experience being eldest or being a role model.”

Jaehwan sensed Hakyeon’s vulnerability and insecurity, but said nothing. They continued to sit in silence until Jaehwan finally spoke. “I have a girlfriend,” he confessed.

“Have?” Hakyeon questioned.

“Yeah. I mean, we’re still together and haven’t broken up yet. Officially.” Jaehwan gave a slight shrug before looking away.

Hakyeon immediately understood what he meant and the dilemma that was plaguing his dongsaeng. While their management never explicitly banned dating or relationships, they emphasized that members had to put their 110% concentration and involvement into the band so as to succeed. And every member’s pulled weight was important. VIXX was not stupid; they could read the subtext. Which was why Hakyeon was surprised that Jaehwan has had a girlfriend all this time.

“How long have you both been together?”

“About 3 years. We were – are – together since high school.” Jaehwan paused. “She knew how much I wanted to be a singer and was fully supportive of me auditioning. But we never talked about what would happen after. I guess we both didn’t think I would actually make it this far and be part of the group.”

“And now that you are…?”

Jaehwan shrugged. “I don’t know. Nothing, I guess. She doesn’t pressure me or anything. But she has been texting and encouraging me all this time. Asking about my day and telling me to stay healthy and sleep early.” Jaehwan paused again. “Hyung, I don’t know what to do.” His voice broke. Embarrassed, he looked down, head touching his knees and pulling himself into a fetal position again.

Hakyeon stared at Jaehwan helplessly. His heart went out to him as he noted the silent sobs that was wrecking his dongsaeng’s body. Hakyeon hesitantly reached out to put a comforting hand on Jaehwan’s shoulder, patting him as he desperately racked his brains for the appropriate thing to say. Girls and relationships were so not his wheelhouse.

“Well, technically management has not banned dating.” Hakyeon finally spoke. “Maybe you guys can work this out…” Hakyeon trailed off.

Jaehwan looked up but did not answer, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. “Do you love her?” Hakyeon pressed gently.

Jaehwan stayed silent and continued staring out of the balcony, biting his bottom lip. Hakyeon thought that he did not hear the question and was about to leave him alone quietly, when Jaehwan finally whispered.

“She deserves so much more than what I can give her now.”

Hakyeon was snapped out of his flashback by the loud laughter of his other members at something on the television. Jaehwan was imitating the actions, and as usual, making the others crack up in laughter. He had come a long way since that night, and while he hardly spoke of her again – he eventually met her to explain everything and they officially broke up – Hakyeon could tell the mask that he sometimes wore to hide his pain. But he was glad that the masking was decreasing in frequency, and Jaehwan was being more true to his inner feelings. In some ways, Hakyeon was glad for that night; it was a breakthrough for him to Jaehwan, and since then Jaehwan had been confiding in him and they grew close.

“Your phone rang,” Hakyeon commented casually as In Guk climbed back into bed.

“Oh?” In Guk picked up his phone and looked at it. However, instead of the smile or hint of happiness that Hakyeon was expecting, there was an intense frown on In Guk’s face.

“Something wrong?” Hakyeon asked, concerned. Did I misinterpret the caller?

In Guk set his phone back down on the table with a smile that did not quite reach his eyes. “Nope, nothing. Its just work.”

Uh-huh.

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“Take care, hyung! Hope you get discharged soon!”

VIXX were saying their goodbyes to In Guk as they left the hospital room to head back to practice. In Guk was grateful for their company, and was sorry that they had to leave so quickly. But he knew how busy their schedule was, and wished them all the best for their two-night concert coming up. In Guk was proud of his dongsaengs and was glad that they treat him like one of them too.

“N-hyung, where are we supposed to meet manager-hyung?” Ravi asked as the boys made their way out of the hospital ward.

Hakyeon took out his phone and scrolled through the message from their manager. “Back entrance, door four,” he read and turned to look for the directions. “This way,” he motioned to the others.

Hakyeon’s eyes were alert to his surroundings as they made their way to the back entrance. It was a habit that he picked up since being VIXX’s leader and having to lead them in the public eye – he was on the look out for any photographers or public that could recognize them so that he could forewarn the others to be on their best behaviour. It was not that VIXX behaved badly behind closed doors, but they were guys after all, and were bound to get rowdy and loud at points in time. And honestly, a bunch of six guys walking together and nearly towering over most people was a very easy sight to spot and recognize.

As Hakyeon led the way, a tall female with sunglasses and a cap caught his eye. She was speaking on the phone and headed to the ward where VIXX came out. Hakyeon squinted as he took a second look.

Isn’t that Sunny from SNSD?

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