March 2015, The Show

“And so the winner is… VIXX! Congratulations, boys!”

VIXX were on their final showcase at The Show, and this win meant that they finally won their first Triple Crown. All the members were elated, and Hongbin gave a beautiful speech thanking their fans and all who voted for them.

Hakyeon too was over the moon with this win, and it nearly felt like the burden he was carrying lessened for that moment. He was glad that their comeback was well received despite the change in ‘image’; this was exactly the boost of confidence VIXX needed. And perhaps tonight, he could finally get a good night’s sleep.

He had been feeling the effects of his tiredness and lack of sleep in the recent shows. They have been promoting their new single since last month, and have been performing nearly daily for the past two weeks. Hakyeon could feel his energy draining each morning that he woke up the past week, like as if it took all of his energy just to get out of bed, much less perform. This affected his concentration too – he made an obvious mistake in this last performance, but thankfully it did not affect their win.

Back in the dorm, the rest of the group were high on adrenaline from their win and were going crazy eating snacks and goofing off in the living room. Well, except Taekwoon, who was doing the laundry. Hakyeon had opted to bathe first – a rarity as he usually goes last to allow the younger ones to wash up and sleep first – but tonight he felt that he really needed the shower or he would be literally sprawled on the floor with exhaustion.

“Why don’t you head off to bed first? I’ll get the others to wash up and sleep after this.” Taekwoon suggested quietly to Hakyeon as Hakyeon threw his towel into the laundry after his bath.

“It’s okay, I’m much more awake now. The shower really helped.”

Taekwoon was no fool, but he knew better than to argue as Hakyeon made his way to the living room to join in with the others. If there was one thing about Hakyeon, it was his principles. He took his role seriously, and this sometimes meant at the expense of something of his own. As a leader, he couldn’t possibly be the tired, wet blanket on the night of their Triple Crown win.

However the next morning, as expected, Hakyeon woke up with a fever and chills despite the extra hours of sleep they were allowed since they had ended their promotional shows. And as he had always done the past couple of years since VIXX was formed, Hakyeon quietly took some painkillers, stuffed his pockets with tissues, and plastered a smile on his face as he took the boys out for a meal to celebrate their hard work.

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March 2015, Two weeks later

“Hey, Triple Crown winner!”

Hakyeon looked up, and on seeing who it was, stood up with a big smile and arms wide for a hug. He was meeting his mentor and favourite hyung Seo In Guk for lunch after nearly 3 months. Despite being signed by the same company, Hakyeon and In Guk barely have the chance to meet up due to their busy schedules.

“Congratulations, Hakyeon. So today’s lunch is on you, yes?” In Guk teased as he sat down opposite Hakyeon and picked up a menu.

“Ya, I’m not the big solo artiste and upcoming best male actor,” Hakyeon teased back. “You are the one with the big bucks, shouldn’t you treat?”

“Ya, that’s not the way to talk to your hyung, you brat.”

Hakyeon smiled at the friendly banter that they were having. He could never accurately put into words how his friendship with In Guk grew to be so strong and what sustains it – it just is. He recalled how In Guk introduced himself to VIXX during the first week after VIXX was formed and officially signed with Jellyfish Entertainment. Actually, In Guk sought Hakyeon out and introduced himself first, before asking to be introduced to the rest. Hakyeon never forgot how relieved and supported he felt when after the introductions and In Guk was about to leave, he squeezed Hakyeon’s arm and whispered to him, “I know the anxieties and excitement you are feeling. I’m always open to talk if you need. Fighting!”

Hakyeon was too nervous at that time and could only stammer out a weak “Thanks, hyung” after In Guk’s retreating figure.

With the hustle and bustle of debuting and promoting, it was not until nearly 5 weeks later that Hakyeon started to feel stressed and burdened with his responsibilities, and surprisingly found himself waiting outside In Guk’s practice room late one Friday night.

May 2012

“Hakyeon! Are you alright? What are you doing sitting on the floor?”

Hakyeon looked up at In Guk, ready to ask for the advice that he had carefully prepared in his mind for In Guk-hyung. But when he saw In Guk’s concerned face, his sincerity was too much and Hakyeon found himself choking on rising emotion, his prepared speech forgotten. In Guk sensed his dongsaeng’s hesitation, and quickly knelt down beside him with a hand on his arm.

“Hey, it’s okay. Listen, I’m done with my practice for today. How about you ask for permission to head out to dinner with me and we’ll talk? Tell your manager that I can drive you back to your dorm after dinner.”

Hakyeon nodded and headed out with In Guk. Before he knew it, he was spilling all his worries and stress out to In Guk, who seemed to understand his burdens and gave him a listening ear.

And the rest, as you can say it, was history. One night became two the next week, and then a third the following week. Before long, Hakyeon found himself sharing with In Guk regularly, and In Guk also checked in with Hakyeon on a weekly basis – either in person or through text when he was not around. And this was how their friendship grew. They moved on from talking about pressures of their work, to family and friends, and to dreams and aspirations. In Guk not only grew in his friendship with Hakyeon, but also fit in well with the rest of VIXX too – they were his dongsaengs and he, In Guk, could not be any happier. It was sometimes lonely to be promoting and doing everything on your own, and In Guk envied the familial relationship and bickering that the VIXX boys shared.

“So, what’s up next for you after this?” In Guk asked Hakyeon after a waitress left with their order.

Hakyeon took a sip of water. “Do you mean for VIXX or for me personally?”

“Both.”

“For VIXX, we’re kind of taking a break as a group and doing our individual things at the moment. Taekwoon and Ravi are working on their sub-unit, Hongbin is MC-ing with The Show and Jaehwan got selected to do a musical.” Hakyeon explained. “Oh, and Hyuk just got confirmed for a role in a movie!”

In Guk raised his eyebrows, impressed. “Wow, the maknae on the big screen! You kids must be busy,” he commented. “But I’m glad that the boys are getting to do what they aspired to do. 2015 is gonna be a good year.”

Hakyeon nodded eagerly. “I’m really proud of all of them. It’s going to be busy, but I think it will be great experiences and learning.”

In Guk nodded in agreement. “It’s a good time anyway,” he commented. “You guys have established yourselves pretty well as VIXX – it’s a good time to develop individually.” He frowned. “But how about you?”

“I’ll be continuing on with variety shows and stuff,” Hakyeon replied. “Mr Hwan says that’s where my strength and potential lies.”

In Guk nodded. “I agree. You’re a natural and humour and talking just comes so easily for you. So, any particular schedule that you’re excited about?”

“A radio show slot…” Hakyeon smiled widely.

“No way, really?” In Guk exclaimed. “That’s great opportunity!”

“Yeah, I’m really excited but really nervous too though. I start in May.”

In Guk showed Hakyeon the sign of a fist. “I know you’ll do great. Fighting!”

“Thanks, hyung. How about you?”

“I’m going to join Law of the Jungle,” In Guk replied, making a face that Hakyeon could not help but laugh.

“You? Really?”

“Ya, don’t laugh!” In Guk gave Hakyeon a light punch to his arm. “What’s wrong with me joining Jungle?”

Hakyeon struggled to contain his laughter as he shook his head. “Nothing… Just that, can’t quite picture you in the jungle,” Hakyeon held up his fingers to make a frame and tried to fit In Guk’s face into it, as if like a camera.

In Guk pretended to look offended, but later also chuckled. “Yeah, I know right?” He sighed. “But ottokaji? When the big boss says go, you go.”

Hakyeon smiled at In Guk’s use of Jaehwan’s cutesy phrase, and then sighed. “Yeah I know what you mean.”

In Guk looked at Hakyeon intently. “Still feeling the heat?”

Hakyeon gave a slight smile. “Yeah,” he admitted. “The Triple Crown win really helped, and the wins the past couple of weeks have been great too. But I don’t know if I should be happy or pressurized that it’s only March now.”

In Guk nodded understandingly. “Think positive,” he told Hakyeon after a pause. “And remember to always find the fun and joy in doing what you are doing. I’m sure that despite all the tiredness and stress, you still wouldn’t trade your position for the world, right?”

Hakyeon nodded and blushed.

“Yeah, so keep fighting!” In Guk smiled, mirroring Hakyeon. “It’s when you start to lose the meaning and joy in what you are doing that it gets worrying.”

Hakyeon considered his words for a while. “You’re right, I never thought of it that way. Thanks, hyung,” Hakyeon told In Guk gratefully.

“Hey, what are sunbaenims for if not for dropping pearls of wisdom here and there?” In Guk laughed.

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March 2015, A few hours later

In Guk paced up and down in his room, phone in his hand and lost in thought. His overnight duffel bag was sitting on his bed with clothes spilling out and the rest of his room was in a mess.

He was not looking forward to his next schedule. Laughs aside, In Guk was not afraid of the hardship or ‘roughing it out’ in the jungle. He had been working out consistently and had muscles proudly displayed on his first Japanese music album to prove it. And he was pretty sure there would be some level of safety with the camera crew and team around no matter what jungle they were thrown into. No, he was not looking forward to the schedule because he would have to surrender his phone and be completely cut off from the rest of the world for the next couple of weeks. That was what he was not looking forward to.

They already had difficulty meeting due to their busy and conflicting schedules. Not to mention the secrecy they had to maintain so as not to violate her agency rules or cause negative reactions from their fans. Hence while they did not meet often, they still texted at least once a day (even if it was to say goodnight), and had short, stolen phone conversations during their breaks.

But then again, after their huge argument two nights back, perhaps it is best that he is out filming and his phone is ‘confiscated’ – he would probably not be receiving any texts from her anyway.

In Guk tossed the phone on his bed, and flopped down after it, lying on his back and facing the ceiling. His mind went back to that night a few days back…

It was an ordinary night, but In Guk was excited. He had planned to celebrate a belated White Day with her that evening, and he had everything planned. White Day was the equivalent to Valentine’s Day in Korea, and it was a day that boyfriends pampered their girlfriends with flowers and gifts to express their love. In Guk had been busy with their schedules and could only send her a hurried text on the actual day. Hence, he wanted to make it up to her to show how much he treasured her and their relationship, even though their time spent together said otherwise.

In Guk thought of everything, from the dinner location to the flowers and gifts. She had told him a couple of days ago that she would likely be able to get the night off, as her managers were involved with a company function. As such, In Guk fought tooth and nail with his own manager for a day off as well, citing that he needed a break and would be able to focus and progress much better after it. His manager was suspicious and doubtful at first, but In Guk did not back off and his manager eventually caved in to the request. After all, In Guk was a popular celebrity and had proven to be hardworking and knows his way around the industry. No reason to fight him over a small request like a day off.

In Guk looked anxiously at his phone and then at his watch. It was 7:35pm and he was sitting alone at one of the booths at the back in a classy restaurant. He had texted the details of their dinner to her earlier in the day, and she had responded with enthusiasm. But since then he had not heard from her, and he was starting to get worried. She would usually text him if she was running late.

Relax, In Guk told himself. It’s only 5 minutes. She’s probably going to walk in any moment now. In Guk took a deep breath and checked his watch again. 7:37pm.

At 7:40pm, In Guk could not stand it anymore and gave her a call. He was worried that she might have gotten lost or something had happened to her. However, she picked up on the first ring. “Oppa, I’m sorry I know I’m late, but I can’t talk now. Give me half an hour.” And with that she hung up on him before he could get a word in.

In Guk was surprised. The background noise sounded like she was indoors, and it was noisy with voices and music. In Guk frowned. He swore he could have picked out a male voice in her background as well. He checked his watch again. 7:42pm. Okay, he will give her half an hour. But he could feel a prick of frustration rising in him.

Eventually, she walked in at about 8:15pm, just as In Guk was about to make another call to her. She was breathing heavily as she sank down in the seat opposite him.

“I’m so sorry, oppa,” she gasped as she tried to keep her voice low. She glanced around, but no one was paying any attention to him or her. In Guk kept silent, waiting for her explanation.

She took a sip of water and swallowed. “Our dance instructor had some friends come in at the end of practice and I just couldn’t leave. I’m sorry, have you been waiting long?”

In Guk pressed his lips together. “Well, I was here since 7:30pm,” he replied, a bit tersely. Now that he knew that she was safe and nothing happened, he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of anger. “Were they there to help with the choreography?” He tried to maintain the level in his voice.

She bit her lip as she looked down at the table, and then shook her head. “I’m really sorry, In Guk,” she whispered.

So it was a fun practice. Equivalent to just hanging out and dancing to random songs during free time, In Guk thought, recalling her explain it to him before. In Guk took a deep breath to calm himself and opened his eyes. Looking at her, he felt a pang in his heart and wondered if he was too fierce. He softened as he reached out and squeezed her hand. “No matter,” he said, trying to keep his voice light. “You’re here now, let’s order.” He made a move to signal to the waiter.

“In Guk?” The light touch on his arm stopped him, but she was not wanting to meet his eyes.

“Yes?” In Guk put his hand down.

“I… I got to be back by 9pm…” her voice trailed off. At the silence, she dared sneak a peek at In Guk.

“Are you kidding me,” he said quietly.

She stared back at him, biting her bottom lip nervously as she shook her head. “The dance practice is still on,” she explained. “I sneaked out but I need to go back before they find out…” Her voice trailed off as In Guk stood up in anger and pulled out his wallet. “What are you doing?”

“Paying for your meal,” he said quietly, voice full of anger as he took out a few bills and tossed them onto the table. “The flowers are for you, keep it,” he said, pointing to the bouquet on the table. “I can’t believe this,” he muttered as he turned to leave.

“Oppa?” She stared at him in disbelief, before scrambling to gather her things and follow after him. She was mindful not to draw too much attention to herself, but he was much taller than her and his strides were long.

It was not until they were about 3 shops away from the restaurant did In Guk stop for her to catch up with him. “Oppa? I’m really very sorry,” she stammered. “I know you were looking forward to this and have not seen me for a long time –“

“Am I the only one looking forward to this?” In Guk cut her off.

She fumbled at his unexpected question and sharpness. “I… I…” she stammered.

“Forget it,” In Guk said dismissively and his heel to walk away.

“Oppa, wait!” She called out and grabbed onto his arm. In Guk did not respond, but stopped. She swallowed. “I was looking forward to it too,” she whispered, gingerly letting go of his arm.

In Guk turned back to look at her as she continued. “But I really couldn’t get away,” she explained desperately. “You understand with the schedules and practices and that I can’t explain this to anyone –“

“Didn’t we plan this for a while? I asked if you could take a break and you agreed,” In Guk fumed. “If I could fight to take the time off my schedule, why can’t you too? Is this not important to you, too?”

She stared, eye-wide at him. “You know that we are different…”

“Is it not important to you?” In Guk insisted.

She shook her head, trying to explain. “Oppa, we are from different companies, different rules…”

“You chose to stay for a fun practice for goodness sake!” In Guk threw his hands up in frustration before he grabbed both her arms. “Tell me, do you want to continue with this relationship?”

“You know that I want this too,” she started timidly. “But there are all these other things that I have to do as well…”

In Guk let go of her and rubbed a hand over his face. “Okay…” he said. “Okay, how about you think about how much you want to give to this and then you let me know.” His face was grim. “In the meantime, let’s take a break.”

She stared at him in shock. “You don’t mean that…”

“I’m tired of always being the one chasing you and trying to find the time to meet up with you,” he said with pent up frustration. “I don’t know if you actually want this relationship or not, because I don’t seem to see any initiative on your part.” There was a pause as In Guk looked away, unable to bear seeing her upset face. “So maybe,” he continued softly. “Maybe it’s time for us to think about this whole relationship again and reevaluate how much we each want it.”

She bit her lip and remained silent, but In Guk could see the hurt in her shining eyes. But he knew her; she would never break down in front of anyone. Not like this.

Eventually, she spoke. “Okay,” she whispered, and then cleared . “Let’s take this break then,” she said, her voice stronger. “I’m sorry oppa for having wasted your time this evening,” she addressed him formally. “I need to get going back now, goodbye.” She bowed politely, and her heel to walk away, head high.

In Guk stared after her, his heart punding as he immediately felt her absence and a sinking sense of regret…

In Guk let out a grunt of frustration. Why do I always get myself stuck in these kinds of situations? He knew that he had the tendency to lose his cool easily, especially in relation to things that he cared deeply about. And then his pride would get the better of him and refuse to budge. It was a weakness of his that he knew all along, he just wondered now if it was a mistake that he could not make up to.

In Guk stared at the phone for a while, before picking it up with purpose and headed out of the bedroom.

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