July 2015, The same day, 9.45am

Hakyeon was lost in his own thoughts on the car ride back to the dorm. It had been a short meeting with Mr Hwan, as they were interrupted by an international phone call, to which Mr Hwan quickly dismissed Hakyeon before he proceeded with the call. Not that Hakyeon minded; the short time that he had with Mr Hwan simply reinforced what he was told earlier in the year – aim more, do more, push more, achieve the impossible – which only just piled on the pressure that he successfully managed to forget the past couple of days. I need to manage this, Hakyeon thought to himself, before the other guys find out.

Hakyeon sneaked a peek at his manager as they slowed to a stop at a traffic light. “Manager-hyung,” he started tentatively.

“Yes?”

“Is… Is it okay if I take a walk back to the dorm for the rest of the way? I would… I would like some time alone.” Hakyeon held his breath as he waited for an answer.

There was a pause before his manager replied, “Where would you like to be dropped off?”

Hakyeon’s eyes widened. “Really? I mean, yes could you alight me at the next bus stop? I won’t take more than an hour, I promise.”

His manager nodded. “Just remember to keep your phone on,” he reminded, but with a twinkle in his eye. “The rest of today and tomorrow is free time,” his manager rattled off VIXX’s schedule for the next few days.

“Yes manager-hyung, I will take note and remember,” Hakyeon answered dutifully. “Thank you for the ride.”

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July 2015, The same day, 10.05am

Eunji took a sip of her hot chocolate as she watched the swans in the lake. She took a walk to the nearby park and had walked nearly the entire length of it before deciding to take a break and get a cup of hot drink. She was not a huge coffee drinker, and since she couldn’t sleep and had thoughts running a mile an hour, she decided to indulge herself get a cup of hot chocolate instead. I just need to finish this before I head back and Chorong finds out, Eunji thought to herself. The girls had been on a strict diet plan since they debuted, and it got tighter and stricter every time they prepared for a comeback.

In all honesty, Eunji was happy with her new figure. She had worked really hard with her dieting and exercise since debut, and she was now enjoying the results of it. Many people speculated that she underwent plastic surgery of some sort to reduce the fat in her thighs, but it was actually all down to an intensive exercise plan of jogging and target training everyday. Eunji remembered the comments about her chubbiness when she first debuted. She was deeply affected by it, although of course, it never showed through her mask of cheeriness. It really just made her more determined to follow her diet and exercise plan strictly, and she nearly overdid it. Eunji smiled as she shook her head in recalling the past. Just then, a train rambled by on the tracks nearby, and before she could stop herself, Eunji was thrown back to her memories…

December 2013

“Eunji, are you alright? You look really tired and pale,” In Guk was staring at her intently, his face filled with concern. They were on their way to her house in Busan to celebrate the New Year with her family. This was the first time that Eunji and In Guk were meeting up since their first date nearly 4 months ago, and by a rare of luck, they were given a week and a half of vacation break at the same time by their respective companies to celebrate the new year. Excitedly, they arranged to meet at a train station just outside of Seoul to take an express train to Busan, where In Guk would spend a few days with Eunji and her family before heading to his own home in Ulsan, just a half hour drive away.

Eunji nodded absentmindedly. “I’m fine, oppa. Maybe just a little tired,” she replied, trying to ease his concern. Truthfully, she felt like a bus just ran her over. Being in Apink and venturing out to starring in dramas and other variety shows, Eunji was used to packed schedules and feeling tired. But this time it felt different. She had a throbbing headache, and her lack of energy was so severe that she even found it a struggle to keep her head up. But she knew how excited In Guk was about their time together – and she was too of course – so she decided to keep mum about her condition and hope that maybe an hour of nap on the journey would cure it.

In Guk nodded slowly while to looking at her, as if trying to read her mind and decide if she was telling the truth. But of course, he knew better than to argue with Eunji. “Take a nap then,” he finally said, stretching out his arm and offering his embrace as a pillow. “I’ll wake you up when we reach.”

Eunji gave a small smile. “It’s a four and a half hour train ride to Busan. I hope that I will be awake before we reach if not I’ll be really poor company,” she joked. She leaned gratefully against chest and sank into him as her eyes fluttered close. Similar to their previous date, both Eunji and In Guk dressed simply so as not to attract attention, and also had dark shades and caps to hide their faces. In Guk had been looking out intently for anyone who could recognize them, and was satisfied that there was none. And now that they had settled comfortably into their seats in the empty first class carriage of the express train, In Guk was glad to be able to hold Eunji just like any ordinary couple could. He planted a quick kiss on the top of her head. You can sleep as long as you want Eunji, he thought to himself, smiling. Because I know I’ll be spending more time with you over the next few days.

However, 20 minutes later it was Eunji who was awake and In Guk fast asleep with his arms still wrapped around her. Eunji did not want to wake him up, and found that she was also reluctant to leave his embrace. I could get used to this, Eunji thought as she watched the night sky go by. She felt secure and protected.

Just then, Eunji felt a familiar sharp pain in her abdomen and winced. She had been getting such pains on and off for about a month ever since she cut her calorie intake to half of that was set by her company. She did this without the other girls realizing – a little less rice, one less piece of meat, carefully avoiding gravy, and waking up late so as to skip breakfast. Besides, the portion of food given to them was small enough that none of the girls could tell when one was not eating her full portion. And Eunji quelled her hunger pangs by drinking water and detox juices carefully concealed in her covered bottle.

As Apink’s main vocalist and usually at the front and center of most dance choreography, Eunji felt the immense pressure to look good. Not only were the hurtful comments about her weight motivation for her, Eunji naturally had a bigger bone structure and constantly felt like a giant next to her group members. She hated it. She hated her chunky thighs and chubby cheeks and would do whatever it takes to get rid of them in the fastest duration possible. Hence the starvation and strict diet.

Another sharp pain pierced her abdomen and Eunji twitched in reflex. She bit down on her bottom lip to try and control her pain, and looked out to the night sky so as if to distract herself.

“Eunji? Are you sure you are alright?” In Guk’s sleepy voice asked softly next to her, his hands still around her. “I thought I felt you jump.”

Eunji nodded, but dared not turn around. “I’m okay, I didn’t jump,” she lied. “Just looking at the scenery.”

She heard some rustling and In Guk’s head appeared beside her, his cheek lightly pressed against hers as he leaned forward and stared out of the window as well. “Mmm, it is pretty,” he commented. “But not as pretty as you,” he whispered quickly into her ear before seating back down on his seat properly.

Eunji felt a smile forming subconsciously, but also felt a flush rising to her cheeks. “Aish,” she said, settling back down into her chair too. She was never comfortable with mushy words like these, even when she was acting, and was not quite sure how to respond.

In Guk, sensing her discomfort and afraid that he might have pushed too far, decided to keep quiet and opted to smile at her instead. They sat in silence for a while before Eunji finally spoke.

“Oppa?”

“Yes?”

“Um…” Eunji bit her bottom lip in nervousness. “I’m sure you meet many other girls before, especially singers and actresses…” Her voice trailed off.

In Guk cocked his head as he looked at her, as if trying to decipher what she was saying. “Yes, I do,” he replied slowly. “So?”

“Aren’t they all very pretty? With their long legs and sharp faces and high cheekbones…”

“And their two eyes and one nose and one mouth?”

Eunji swatted his arm. “I’m serious!”

“Ouch,” In Guk said in mock pain, laughing. “I’m serious too! You sound like you are describing an alien or something. They are just humans too.”

“But they are so much more beautiful! And thin!” Eunji gave him an accusatory glare. “Don’t lie and tell me that you have never looked twice at some of them before.”

In Guk lifted his hands in surrender. “I won’t,” he admitted. “I’m human too. But a second glance doesn’t mean anything.”

Eunji kept quiet, unsure of what to say next. Oh no, what just came over me?

“Eunji?” In Guk gently lifted her chin up to look into her eyes. “Hey, what’s all this and where is this all coming from?” His gaze pierced into her eyes, his voice soft. “Why the sudden talk about being pretty?”

Eunji snapped her head out of In Guk’s hold and looked away. “I don’t know,” she mumbled.

In Guk took her by the shoulders. “I think you’re pretty,” he said gently. “The most beautiful in my eyes.”

Eunji shook her head, feeling tears prick at her eyes. “You don’t mean that,” was all she could respond back weakly. “Look at me,” she demanded, pointing to her legs and pulling at her cheek. “I’m fat!” Surprising even herself, Eunji felt hot tears rolling down her cheeks. Angrily, she wiped them away.

In Guk was bewildered. “No, you’re not,” he protested immediately, pulling Eunji into his embrace despite her resisting at first. “Whoever said that or gave you that idea?”

Eunji gave up and was tearing in earnest by now, clinging onto In Guk’s shirt and soaking it. Unexpectedly, her abdominal pain came and Eunji cried out, clutching her middle.

“Eunji! What’s wrong? What happened?” In Guk panicked and glanced all over her body, worried. Eunji just shook her head weakly, keeping her hands over her middle, too tired out to say anything.

“Is it your stomach?” In Guk guessed. “Are you having cramps or gastric? Can I get you something?” In Guk thought he was going to go crazy with worry.

Eunji had doubled over her stomach, her head touching her knees, too weak to respond. “Eunji, please say something,” he pleaded. “Maybe I’ll get help,” he decided, making a move to stand.

“No…” Eunji protested weakly, one hand reaching out pulling onto him. “Stay,” she whispered. She concentrated on getting her breathing under control. “I just haven’t eaten yet today,” she finally confessed.

“What?” In Guk was shocked. “It’s nearly midnight, why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He started to rummage through his bag. “I have some biscuits…”

“No!” Eunji’s voice was firmer this time. “I can’t. It’s not in my diet plan.”

“Diet plan? Oh Eunji…” In Guk sighed, picking up her hand and holding onto it tightly. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”

There was a pause before Eunji spoke softly, “You know why.”

There was silence. In Guk had shared honestly with Eunji about his struggle with Bulimia when he first started out in the industry. He had been a chubby kid and felt the pressure to conform to the mold of a singer/celebrity – lean, muscled, and chiseled. He could only imagine the pressure she had to be facing, probably ten times worse. Female ‘beauty’ was held at a much higher standard. How could I have not picked this up earlier? In Guk blamed himself.

In Guk made the first move by pulling Eunji into his arms and embracing her tightly. Eunji, her crying now subsided, sank gratefully into his warm and protective embrace.

“Eunji,” In Guk whispered. “I love your smile, your laugh, how you make me happy and how your cheeriness just lights up the room,” In Guk leaned back slightly and held her face in his hands as he stared intently at her, forcing her to look at him. “This has nothing to do with how you look and what you look good in. Believe me, a hundred of the hottest girls with the best bodies can walk by, but my heart will always still be with you.”

Eunji bit her lip as she nodded and looked down. “I’m sorry for doubting you,” she said softly.

In Guk smiled. “Just believe me, okay? I will never want you to go through the same dark times as I did before,” he told her earnestly. “So stop all these negative thoughts about your body, and throw away that diet plan. It’s all the life away from you.”

Eunji gave a small smile. “But the reality is that I do look big compared to the other girls. What should I do then?”

In Guk frowned. “If you want to lose weight… and I just want to make it clear that I don’t think you do… how about looking at exercise instead? Cardio and toning.”

Eunji frowned. “Will that work?”

In Guk nodded firmly. “It’s a much healthier way too. Exercising and eating right, not starving.”

Eunji smiled sheepishly, and then brightened. “Let’s do it when we reach Busan!”

Eunji laughed to herself as she recalled In Guk’s pained look at her suggestion. They eventually compromised and only started their exercise regime the day after, and In Guk taught her some key workouts to target the different muscle groups that she could do on her own. Eunji also went back to the original diet plan that was set by their company, opting to abstain from sweet drinks and snacks instead. Over time, she stopped obsessing about her body and fell in love with the adrenaline that she got when she ran or did cardio exercises.

“Eunji?”

Eunji was startled by the sudden intrusion and whipped her head around…

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