February 2015

*Knock, knock*

“Come in!”

A tall, lanky boy with small eyes and an infectious smile walked into the room and bowed politely as he greeted his elders. Hair tousled and hints of sweat on his brow, he had just ended a full day of dance practice and rehearsals for his band’s comeback next week, and he was exhausted.

“Take a seat, Hakyeon.”

“Kamsamida.” Hakyeon took a seat on the couch before Mr Hwan (Jellyfish Entertainment’s CEO – essentially the big boss), and his manager-hyung. Mr Hwan did not usually meet with the artistes personally, but he played a huge role in the formation of VIXX, and hence followed up closely with the group ever since then. Sometimes, Hakyeon could not decide if it was a blessing or a curse.

“How’s the rehearsals coming along?”

“It’s going well. We are nearly ready for our comeback next week, I’m positive we won’t disappoint.” Hakyeon’s rehearsed speech flowed out so smoothly that he even surprised himself with how confident he sounded. He sneaked a peek at his manager-hyung, who gave him a quick, reassuring smile.

It wasn’t that the band was unprepared or that he was lying through his teeth. VIXX was nearly there in their showcase, and Hakyeon was confident that their dance was on point and with the right amount of attitude. He should know; as the band’s dance specialist and leader, he had been nit picking on their techniques right from day 1. And despite their endless groaning and complaining, there was no doubt that they were improving.

But they just could.not.stop.playing.the.fool.

VIXX is a band made up of 6 members, Hakyeon included. They were formed 3 years ago, and have been living in each other’s back pockets nearly every day since. They were practically brothers. While Hakyeon loved the close relationships they shared, therein also lay the problem. Every time there was a break or once Hakyeon turned his back, they would be goofing off in one-way or another. Even Taekwoon joined in on occasion. And as much as Hakyeon loved all s, there were times where he wished he could strangle all of them and choke them to seriousness. Especially Jaehwan, the energizer bunny and prince of all practical jokes.

Admittedly, if the roles were reversed, Hakyeon was certain that he would be right up there with Jaehwan dreaming up and carrying out all the practical jokes and goofs. He was naturally a fun-loving person, and being the youngest among four siblings, Hakyeon was also the most mischievous and got away with a lot growing up too. Which made him feel constantly pressured and out of place in his current role as a leader of VIXX. He was often struggling with himself in wanting to join in the guys’ goofing off, and having to call them to decorum.

Hakyeon was given a choice to continue on with leadership when VIXX was first formed. He knew that it was an unspoken expectation of him to do so too, being the eldest in the group. And deep down inside, he was actually feeling very insecure of his position in VIXX – he thought of himself as pretty mediocre compared to Taekwoon’s and Jaehwan’s vocal abilities, Ravi’s musicality, and Hongbin’s and Hyuk’s good looks. Without an outstanding strength, Hakyeon felt his position in VIXX precarious and replaceable should he not be leader. At least I would have something worthwhile to contribute to the group, Hakyeon thought. And so, he accepted the position with a wide smile masking all his insecurities.

“That’s good to hear. I look forward to all the wins that you will have. And perhaps a Triple Crown, even?”

Hakyeon gave a nervous laugh. “We’ll try our best to do you proud, sir.”

Mr Hwan bellowed a laugh. “I expect no less from you, Hakyeon. I am counting on you to whip the boys into shape and put VIXX up there together with the other big names. As you know, VIXX is our first and only band group that we are managing in this company, and so a lot is riding on your success with the music market for us to make our name out there as a company to sign for.”

Hakyeon nodded politely, but felt the pressure on his shoulders multiply by a million and more. He had no doubt that VIXX would do well – they were a hardworking bunch, despite their goofiness – if not why would they still be here rehearsing, as they have daily until midnight, for the past week and a half? But the music market, Hakyeon thought to himself, is not something I can control. I can’t force people to like us and be our fans.

“This year 2015 is the year of personal development for each of the VIXX members,” Mr Hwan continued. “Your manager and I have been looking at each of your strengths and potential, and carefully selecting opportunities for each of you to grow and develop as an artiste individually. Both you and Taekwoon had opportunities to develop last year, and that has really helped put the VIXX name out there. So, we want to do that with the rest of the members. And as leader, I hope to have your input into some of these selections, and in return I’ll be counting on you to motivate the group and keep them supported. 2015 is going to be a busy year. Are you up for it?”

Hakyeon nodded. “Yes sir, I will do my best. Thank you for considering us carefully and giving us opportunities to grow. We always want to work hard and do our best for our fans.”

“And future fans,” Mr Hwan interjected quickly. “Remember that there are still a lot out there who have yet to know about VIXX; giving you this exposure is the opportunity to convert them into our fans. We want them to sit up and wonder, who is this talented or handsome guy? And then they will search more and get hooked onto VIXX thereafter. We surround them so that they cannot escape,” Mr Hwan laughed.

Hakyeon echoed his laughter uncertainly. “Yes sir, we will try our best.”

“Not just try it, do it!” Mr Hwan exclaimed loudly. “I’m counting on you, Hakyeon!”

“Yes, sir, Hakyeon will be able to deliver,” their manager-hyung interjected. “He is very hardworking and has great influence over the other members. He will get it done.”

Hakyeon’s gaze flickered from his manager to Mr Hwan quickly, trying to decide the best way to salvage the situation. He took a deep breath.

“Yes sir, I will.”

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“N-hyung!”

Hakyeon was greeted by his maknae’s shrill voice as soon as he stepped back into the practice room. N was a stage name that Hakyeon had chosen for himself. To be honest, he first chose it because it was simply just the last letter in his name. However, upon rolling about it in his head, he realized that N also sounded like Eng, which meant Destiny. Hakyeon was not usually so deep, so he was pretty proud of himself for coming up with that.

In fact, most of the VIXX members had a stage name, with the exception of Hongbin and Hyuk (his full name is Sanghyuk), but they preferred to call each other by their birth names. But they still called Ravi as Ravi (his given name is Wonsik), which he much preferred and Hakyeon personally felt was a good choice too. And Ravi’s family calls him by that name anyway, so it works out. VIXX collectively felt that by calling birth names instead of stage names, they would be better connected and grounded as individuals; remembering their family and roots and all. However, Hyuk sometimes slips into calling his hyungs by their stage names simply because he always has to add a ‘hyung’ to their name and it is a mouthful at times, particularly ‘Hakyeon-hyung’.

“N-hyung, where did you go?”

“Are we leaving yet? I’m tired.”

“We’re hungry. Can we stop by to get food before going home?”

“Let’s have fried chicken! With loads of spicy sauce! Can we buy from the stall two blocks down?”

“No, the one near our house is better!”

“That one doesn’t have good spicy sauce! It’s weird!”

“CHICCCCCKEN, O FRIED FRIED CHICCCCCKEN!”

Hakyeon rolled his eyes at the bombardment of questions and Jaehwan’s chicken song-chant. “Okay guys,” Hakyeon called over the chatter. “Let’s pack up and go back home now. It’s been a long day.”

“So can we get chicken? Please, please, please.”

Hakyeon chuckled. “It’s our comeback next week, Hyukie. Manager-hyung will kill me if I bring you guys to eat fried chicken. We’re on a diet, remember?”

Hyuk made a face. “But I’m hungry!”

“Yes, we’ll stop for food on the way home. But it will be healthy, nutritious food that will have less lasting effects on our bodies that we’ve been training hard the past 3 months for.”

“I am young and strong!” Hyuk flexed his biceps. “I won’t lose them as easily as the rest of you.”

BAM!

Hyuk was on the floor with Jaehwan on top of him, Hyuk’s neck locked in his arm-lock. “Ya, who’s young and strong huh?”

“I am!” Hyuk struggled to wriggle free.

“Are you sure, huh?”

“Okay, it’s you, it’s you!”

“Who is you? Be specific!”

“Jaehwan-hyung!”

Hakyeon shook his head. “Okay guys come on break it up. We need to get going. Jaehwan, you want to drive us back? Taekwoon, could you turn off all the lights and lock up please.” Hakyeon his heel and trudged up the stairs behind Hongbin and Ravi, who were in a deep conversation about where had the best-fried chicken.

Jaehwan let go of Hyuk at the mention of driving. “Yes! I’ll drive!” He sprinted up the stairs behind Hakyeon.

“You alright, Hyuk?” Taekwoon gave a hand to help Hyuk up.

“Yeah. Wow, Jaehwan is really strong!” He picked up his bag and they walked up the stairs together.

The boys made it back to their dorm in one piece, and ate some cold beef noodles and chicken salad without dressing. Ever since a year ago, their manager had stopped living with them in their dorm, trusting that Hakyeon would be able to manage during the night. The boys have been fairly compliant with the company rules – they didn’t want to face severe consequences after all. But that still didn’t stop Jaehwan, Hongbin and Hyuk from the occasional sneaking out to the minimart after hours – occasions that always made Hakyeon’s heart race from the moment they stepped out to the moment they came back.

“Whew, I’m exhausted.” Hongbin fell onto the couch after taking off his shoes.

“Yeah, me too. I think I’m too tired to bathe.” Hyuk commented, also falling on the couch beside Hongbin. “Look at Ravi – I bet he’s already falling asleep in his room!”

Jaehwan tiptoed into Ravi’s room to take a peek – yes, Hyuk was right. Jaehwan made his way out to the living room. “What joke shall we play on him tonight?” He asked the other two on the couch, eyes glinting with excitement.

Hakyeon sighed and shook his head, clearing up the dining table and leaving his dongsaengs in their mischief. “Thanks, Taekwoon,” he said to his best friend as he passed him the used plates. “I’m so tired and having a splitting headache, I really think I could just pass out!”

Taekwoon glanced over at his leader. “Have you not been having enough sleep?”

Hakyeon shrugged. “I don’t really know how much I sleep actually. It seems like once I lie down, my mind starts working double time. It’s hard to fall asleep like that.”

Taekwoon walked over to the cupboard and pulled out some pills. “Try these and see if it helps. I take them sometimes when I can’t sleep.”

Hakyeon squinted at the label. “Are you sure I won’t die from these? I’m not as strong as you, you know.”

Taekwoon gave him an impassionate stare.

“Okay, okay I’ll give it a try.” Hakyeon set the pills down on the counter while Taekwoon returned to doing the dishes.

Taekwoon and Hakyeon shared an interesting friendship that went way beyond their debut as VIXX. Taekwoon was as shy as Hakyeon was chatty, Taekwoon as uncomfortable with touch as Hakyeon loved hugs, Taekwoon as expressionless (on the outside) as Hakyeon wore his heart on his sleeve. But their unlikely friendship formed; as both of them had been trainees together, facing plenty of rejections from previous auditions and wondering if they would ever make it in the industry before they got too ‘old’. And the more time they spent together, the more they realized how they complemented and understood each other on a deeper level, despite their stark differences on the surface. And while Taekwoon often teased Hakyeon and ‘rejected’ him in front of the cameras, he was eternally grateful for their friendship and how Hakyeon just understands him without him having to voice it out. Hakyeon, in return, was glad for the way Taekwoon grounds him and calms him.

A comfortable silence fell before Taekwoon spoke up, glancing over at Hakyeon who was leaning against the counter with his eyes closed. “You went to see manager and Mr Hwan earlier?”

Hakyeon opened his eyes and eyed him wearily. “Nothing escapes your notice, huh.” He sighed. “Yeah, I did. Mr Hwan asked about how our preparations are.”

“And...?”

“And… I told him that we’re absolutely confident.” Hakyeon gave a short laugh. “He said that he was looking forward to a Triple Crown for our comeback.”

Taekwoon nodded slowly as he let the information sink in.

“He also talked about VIXX and the direction for this year. ‘2015 is the year of personal development,,’ Hakyeon imitated, and then paused. “He’s expecting a lot from VIXX this year. Even more.”

Taekwoon looked up at Hakyeon. While he was the quietest member in the group, he was always observing verbal and non-verbals, and had the knack of sensing undercurrents or things that may be happening below the surface. He immediately knew the implications of Hakyeon’s last few sentences. VIXX could definitely handle it; his dongsaengs were a hardworking bunch and he had no doubt that they will be able to handle the pressure and busyness that would be coming their way. But he knew that as leader, most of these responsibilities and pressure would fall onto Hakyeon, and judging by the tone of his voice and his posture, Taekwoon knew that Hakyeon was feeling the heat.

Taekwoon had always suspected that Hakyeon felt insecure and inadequate at times, but he had always thought that it was about the leader role, which was a pretty daunting task. But he never imagined that Hakyeon would be insecure about himself. Hakyeon never revealed much about what he felt or what worried him deeply to any of the members before. Not even him, Taekwoon, who was his closest friend in VIXX.

“Ah, what the heck. If we get it, we get it, and if we flunk then we flunk. What’s the worst that can happen right?” Hakyeon rationalized as he walked out of the kitchen. “I’m going to bathe and then bed. Goodnight Taekwoon.”

It was not until Taekwoon was done with the dishes that he saw the bottle of pills still sitting on the counter top, right where Hakyeon left them.

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