____

{2}

“Are you sure that Minju is okay with us hanging out?” I wondered, watching as Taeyeon wiped Stan’s mouth with a napkin. She blinked innocently at me, nodding.

“She’s pretty tame, I told her from the get go that I had some baggage and a celebrity ex so I told her about you.” I bit my lips a little, distracting myself with the other people and sounds in the restaurant. They hadn’t been dating for a long time but they seemed to know a lot about each other after only a year. “Is that okay with you?” I met her eyes. I wasn’t sure what I was doing to myself anymore. Looking at her was torture, but she meant so much to me; I couldn’t stay away.

“Of course, you’re dating someone else, and I think it’s better to tell them about the relationship we had since it can easily affect future ones.” She probably knows all about Taeyeon’s plan, the family she wants, and she didn’t run away.

“Since you’re in town and you’ve been hanging with Sica, where are you staying?” Taeyeon puckered her lips and the toddler pressed his against hers, giggling as he kissed her a few more times. I watched as Taeyeon smiled.

“The company is letting me stay in their Los Angeles dorm, the agreement we came to was that if I stay there I have to write 8 songs for them per year,” I told her and she raised an eyebrow, letting Stan hold her finger.

“That’s a fair amount of music for one year,” she noticed and I shrugged, smiling a little when Stan looked at me but turned back to his fries.

“It doesn’t have to be perfect and all they need is writing, composition and – if it comes to it – demoes are bonuses. It’s a really good contract,” I hummed and smiled even more as Stan looked up at me again. He seemed curious. “He’s cute.”

“Yeah he is, I’m glad he doesn’t seem scared of you. He couldn’t even be in the same room as Minju in the beginning,” Taeyeon smiled gently. I sighed a little. It was obvious that the life she had now was more than ideal, it was happy. She was so happy that my bones ached and my head hurt. I yearned for the kind of happiness she had, but I hated the fact that my happiness didn’t involve Minju or Stan or a happy Taeyeon. I need another drink after I drop them off.

“Are they okay now?” I wondered and Taeyeon shrugged, turning back to me.

“He hangs around her and she takes care of him, but he still isn’t totally warm when it comes to Minju. He prefers me a little too obviously,” she sighed deeply. For a moment, I saw the exhaustion in her features and heard the drag in her words. How does she do it? I could barely pull myself together in her presence. Taeyeon was, not only over me, but a mother of a young child and well into a rewarding relationship. She had a demanding and fast-paced job with a long reputation at her hospital.

“It’s tiring, isn’t it?” I asked. She simply nodded, never taking her eyes off of her son. It was always so hard to hear her complain. “How do you do it?” The blonde looked at me and my knees went weak. Her eyes were so unreadable now, they held brightness and stability that I hadn’t seen in years.

“I do it because I love it, I love them.” Her eyes no longer darted or whimpered. They held my gaze, refusing to part, and wrecked my insides. Is it love I feel or nostalgia? “It’s definitely hard, but it’s worth giving this kid good food and enough attention,” she tickled Stan’s chin and he giggled, making my heart swell. Taeyeon was simply born to be a mother. Nothing could ever change that; I should’ve realized it sooner. “So you’re sticking around for at least a year then?”

“Yeah, I’m not really sure what to do after that,” I confessed, playing with my fingers. “I’m basically retired and still in my thirties. I have time to spare and I don’t know what to do with it,” I sighed.

“Well, since you’re free, can I count on you for emergency baby-sitting?” she smiled and I froze a little. “I know you weren’t the best with kids, but that’s why it could be a last resort, right?”

“Whatever happened to Xiumin and Seunghyun? Didn’t Seunghyun own the apartment?” I asked. Those two seemed much more reliable than me, especially when dealing with kids. I also didn’t know how to feel looking after Taeyeon’s son. Plus, he was autistic. I barely knew what to do with an average kid.

“Xiumin found residency in another hospital; it’s a little more than an hour away. Since his term is much longer than mine, he decided to get a place closer to work. Seunghyun still comes by from time to time, but now that I have my own income and since I live there more often than he does, I became the main owner on the lease. It wouldn’t be fair to make him pay for the bills when it’s Stan and I here,” she smiled down at the toddler, picking up a fry and feeding it to him. “We’re all grown up now, isn’t it weird?”

“Yeah, it really is.” Stan poked at Taeyeon’s tattoo and I gripped my thigh. All the trouble you went through to get that, all the trouble these things brought us. “Does he know what that is?”

“Sort of, he just really likes looking at it. He likes tracing the shapes, he likes circles,” she grinned and suddenly looked up at me. She held out her hand. “Let’s see if he’ll like yours.”

“What?” I blinked and she touched my wrist. I almost jerked but bit back the reaction. Her fingers were so smooth and gentle.

“Mine has the red and white bow; it gets in the way of the way the ear is shaped. Stan, look! More circles!” she grinned at him, tracing the blue circle for herself. My neck twitched. You were always so dense when it came to romantic gestures. She practically pulled me up against her, letting my heart beat right against her shoulder. If I tried, I could hug her from behind like this. Stan stared at my hand, wide eyes following his mother’s finger, and he carefully reached out to poke my skin. I smiled for no reason. He gained some more confidence and let his finger follow the line.

“His finger is so small,” I mumbled, trying not to freak him out.

“Yeah, babies are so awesome,” she replied. I glanced at the window and saw the three of us huddled together. I sighed.

Could Taeyeon see that I still had feelings for her? Did she forget the way I blushed, the way I hugged? I was so afraid that I would be too obvious but there was no mention of my emotions. I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. “You should come over tomorrow, whenever Stan meets someone new I want him to get as much exposure as possible so he doesn’t forget,” Taeyeon patted his back as he glanced at me and buried his face into her neck. I stared at the child and sighed deeply. I wanted to be in Taeyeon’s life again but everything was so different now. I needed time alone.

“I’ll call you later,” I said and she hummed, rubbing her son’s back. I glanced at his face and his pursed lips on his mother’s shoulder. He looked so much like her, it was strange to hear that he was adopted. “I have some settling in to do.”

“Sure thing, my number’s the same. You know my schedule too, so call and we can set up a play date with you and this guy,” she smiled and I couldn’t help but smile back. Taeyeon was such a cute mother.

“Go inside, get him to bed, he’s nodding off,” I mumbled and she grinned, kissing his hair. My heart lurched a little.

“Yeah, I’ll see you around. Don’t be a stranger, okay?” she put a hand on my shoulder and walked into her apartment. I let out another breath and felt my fingers tremble. I need to lie down.

If I tried hard enough, I could almost feel the way Taeyeon used to kiss me. She’d start gently, playing with my skin, and then she’d make me feel like I couldn’t stand on my own and would hold me up in her dependable arms. The memories were haunting. Intimate moments couldn’t just disappear, but I knew it was stupid to keep thinking about them. Laying alone in bed seemed like a dangerous situation so I found myself dialing Jessica’s number. “Tiffany? It’s midnight.”

“Well, you’re still up, aren’t you?” I said and she sighed.

“Touché. What’s up? Why’d you call?” she asked and I took a deep breath in, not realizing that my nose had already clogged up. “Are you okay?”

“Taeyeon is with another girl…” I whimpered and I could hear Jessica freeze. “And she has a son.”

“What! They had a kid?!”

“No, Taeyeon adopted him as a single parent before meeting her, but Jessie, she’s with another girl.” I buried my eyes into my shirt and cried, letting go of my control. I snapped, trying to let it all out in one sitting. I almost forgot that Jessica was listening to me wail. “What the am I doing? Of course she moved on, all I did was hurt her! Why would she even want me back?”

“Tiff, calm down for a minute.” I sniffled, trying to get a reign on my tears. “Taeyeon has been upfront and decisive about what she wants in her future. She said she would become a doctor, have children, and get married. You were the one who couldn’t commit. Your life is unpredictable and Taeng can’t live like that; she wants stability. You know that, Tiffany, you know what she wants so why are you still like this?”

“Do you think I want this? I hate it! I wish that I could just pull these feelings out of me and throw them in the ocean, because I feel like I can learn to love the life she wants…” I gripped my mattress, trying to vent my frustration into the sheets.

“You said all of that before and you couldn’t do it. Why is now different?” Jessica was just trying to steer me into the right direction, she was trying to be calm but I still took it hard. It took a while to breathe properly.

“Do you think it was easy for her?” I wondered.

“It’s you, Tiffany, it definitely wasn’t easy,” Jessica sighed and I laid down, closing my eyes to try and get rid of the burn. We drifted in silence. I could only play with the silk covering my blankets as I listened to Jessica typing away. She’s working pretty late. Jessica used work to get rid of all other stressors in her life. My work was once the cause of all my stresses. It wouldn’t help me much now.

“How did you do it? Stay friends with Taeyeon while you had feelings for her?” I asked. How did she do it? It hurts so bad.

“Wow, that was a long time ago,” she whistled and I hummed. Back in high school, when we weren’t dating and I wasn’t in Korea. Those were good times. “To be fair, I wasn’t her best friend for 15 years or her lover for 7. I just looked at her and saw that she was happier without me. The feelings sort of left on their own. I don’t think I ever truly loved her though. It’ll be hard, Tiffany, but you can do it.” What if I don’t want to let her go?

I needed to get at least some of the feelings I had for Taeyeon out of my system. I cooped up in my dorm for two days straight, trying to express the bundle of emotions my ex made me feel. My fingers burned and my brain short-circuited several times before I managed to write something that sounded nice and expressed my feelings clearly. It was just so hard to write about Taeyeon, even after I found her my muse for dozens of songs.

If Taeyeon is off work at 8 AM, she’d be home right now, right? I should’ve called in advance, but I felt that not seeing her face would be even more awkward than meeting with her in person. But I did want to see her. I didn’t want to lose her again. I knocked on the door and sighed deeply. The other night made me feel like I had a family with Taeyeon and Stan. It made my heart burn. I knew that I wasn’t fully committed to anything that Taeyeon wanted, but a very selfish part of me still hoped. I wish I knew if I had even one percent of a chance, I would try if I did. My thoughts stopped when Minju opened the door, still dressed in pajamas. My blood drained and I could only shift my feet awkwardly. “Oh, Tiffany. Wanna come in?” , I should’ve called.