A/N: I apologize for waiting so long to continue this story, but know that I haven't abandoned it! I graduated high school about a week after my last update and decided to enjoy my summer before I started college. This also included responsibilities of my finances, academics, and sociability so my summer was completely full. Today I finally moved on campus and finished writing this chapter in two days so I hope to bring faster and better updates soon! Thank you for your patience, please enjoy. 

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{7}

After moving away from my former members, waking up alone always unsettled me. I was used to the calling and hurried dressing and rude wake ups. Now that Jessica was visiting again, I felt at ease as I woke up to the sound of a morning bustle. I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen. My ears still rung, buzzing as it remembered the music from the club and my knees ached. How is Jessica up? “I’m surprised you’re up,” I yawned, stepping over to pour out some coffee. The wedding planner simply held her mug, pressing a hand to her eyes before swiping it over her messy curls.

“I needed painkillers and something to take it with,” she grumbled, voice scratchy from screaming last night, and I snorted on my caffeine. “Watch it, .”

“Want bread or something to take with your drugs?” I asked, throwing her a piece of bread. It hit her face before her hand could even reach for it. She can’t even catch a piece of toast properly! “Dude! You’re so hungover!”

“Sh, too loud,” she groaned and I laughed a little again before stopping, saving Jessica’s hearing. “Tiff, can you please lay down with me and scratch my head?” What the ?

“What kind of request is that?” I made a face and she groaned again.

“This headache is killer, I just wanna lie down but not alone.”

“Wow, you’re really needy,” I sighed and set my cup down. She was so groggy and definitely not fully awake. “Alright, come on, let’s lay on the bed,” I agreed and the blonde immediately walked away, slipping under the covers of her mattress. I rolled my eyes but sat beside her and ran my fingers through her hair. It was softer than what I expected dyed hair to feel like. “Your hair’s pretty nice. How’d you do it?”

“Aren’t you the one that got paid to dye your hair?”

“I didn’t get paid to dye my hair, I got paid to look good. I was just impressed because you’re not a celebrity and taking care of colored hair is a hassle,” I said and she hummed mindlessly.

“I like blonde,” she mumbled. So you kept dying your hair blonde for the past decade because you like it?

“What do you look like with black hair?” I wondered, smoothing the strands out with my fingers. She huffed a little, smiling.

“That was a long time ago, I was last with black hair in freshman year.” I tilted my head. Freshman year?

“I don’t remember that.”

“How many Asian girls with black hair were there?”

“Too many?” I shrugged.

“Exactly. I wanted to stand out, so I dyed my hair.”

“Is this what you have to do when you’re not in a relationship?” I muttered, mindlessly combing through Jessica’s hair. She sighed. “I didn’t need to be noticed by anyone, Taeyeon only looked at me.”

“I know. I kinda hated you guys for that,” Jessica admitted with a huff. “Lovesick at both ends, what a gag.” Lovesick. I loved Taeyeon until it killed me. In a way, I still did and the pain was still there.

“Yeah…it used to be so easy. Relationships were so easy when they were with Taeyeon.” I was always in a relationship, even back in high school when I jumped form guy to guy, trying to get my mind off my best friend. Being single was something that I never thought I’d have to go through again. Now, I was back in America as an adult and had no idea how to even start getting over my ex, let alone how to date. “Maybe I should just stop looking, at least for now. I don’t want to be dating again, it feels too soon.”

“You don’t need to date anybody if you’re not ready, don’t worry about it,” she yawned and I felt my eyes droop a little. Taeyeon liked head scratches too.

“But I’m lonely, I want company but I only want a certain kind…” I admitted, feeling my heart jump a little as Jessica moved under me.

“You’ve been having with other people, haven’t you? Isn’t that enough?” she asked and I shrugged.

“ isn’t the same thing as company, they weren’t really anything worthy,” I mumbled and Jessica sputtered.

“You’re heartless.”

“What? I wasn’t interested in anything else and made it clear. was just something I needed, it didn’t feel right when all I could think of…” I paused as some choice memories came to mind and turned away. I can only think of Tae.

“What is it about Taeyeon that you love so much?” she questioned and I smiled. I don’t know. “I mean I liked her back then and I thought it was serious, but I got over her. How are you still sticking in there when you don’t even want to be?” I flopped onto my back and stared at the ceiling as Jessica turned, looking at me. “Well?”

“I love Taeyeon…” I played with my shirt, fumbling my thumbs over it. My face was hot and I could feel it redden.

“Is that it?” Jessica deadpanned and I smiled again, looking at her. “You’re so ing immature.”

“Look who’s talking,” I rolled my eyes and looked back up, imagining the smooth white surface of Taeyeon’s apartment ceiling. “I’m just in love with her, have been all my life. She makes me feel special, even now, when she’s dating another girl. It must be my fault, right? Taeyeon can’t be treating me specially when she’s with another girl, right?” Jessica’s fingers gently touched my hand. I sniffed.

“I don’t know what Taeyeon’s thinking anymore. She changed so much. She’s not the same girl from high school, not even from college.” I squeezed Jessica’s hand and felt a little comfort. I never knew how much I missed an old friend’s presence until I came home.

“Yeah, I guess I’m just stuck in the past.”

I woke up from a nap, pushing Jessica off of me as I staggered out of bed. I actually took a nap with her. What the Hell. I stretched and sat at the table, checking emails before turning to my texts, staring at the mindless chats, but none were important. I want to talk to Taeyeon. But it was Saturday and that meant that she was off working in the ER, too busy to make time for me. Minju is supposed to be with Stan on the weekends, right? I wondered if I was at the point in their lives to pop in unexpectedly. Taeyeon said that they were both fine with me being back in their lives, but I didn’t want to push my boundaries. I was still her ex. Minju couldn’t be such a lenient girlfriend. “Are you antsy?” I jumped in my chair and breathed as I glared at Jessica.

“ dude, I almost died from shock.”

“Why did you wake me up?” she groaned and I stood up. I am antsy. Despite wanting to stay inside, another part of me could only remember the idol life I just left behind.

“Get dressed, let’s go shopping.”

California was my dream home, next to Seoul. In Korea, I could become an artist and performer. However, I always loved the sun and was once happy that Taeyeon went to school in the Golden State. I wasn’t a small-town girl, I was a city girl. “Sometimes I forget that shopping was also a part of your job.”

“What are you talking about?” I turned to Jessie and she held up a box. My eyes picked up on the Korean brand of facial cleanser and my picture on the pack. Oh my God! Retired celebrity or not, it was embarrassing. I was over 30 years old. “Where did you get that?!” I threw a bag at her and she laughed.

“I ran into a store in Korea Town when you were looking up what to eat!” I picked up my bag and huffed. Dammit, where’s that restaurant? “Tiff, come on! You were so cute! This was like, what, 5 years ago?”

“Put that damn box away!” I scolded and she laughed again, following me into the restaurant.

“Are you missing Korea? We passed by Korea Town now we’re eating barbeque.” I shrugged. I once dreamed of leaving Seoul and going to California for the sun and the girlfriend, I never knew I could miss it. “Not that I mind nor is it weird, you did spend over 10 years there. Must be weird living here again.”

“Yeah…I’m kind of used to seeing my face over there. When it’s here that’s just strange,” I sighed and we were seated quickly, waters sliding in front of us. “I guess I feel like I’m not doing anything anymore? I guess that’s why I’m antsy and I wanna get out even if I’m still a little woozy.”

“To be fair, you were always on the go when you were an idol, right? And for most of that time, you spent breaks with Taeyeon,” Jessica said but I could only rub my head. “Or do you just want to see your ex and you’re not actually that deep?”

“Shut the up,” I scoffed and she snorted. I want to see Taeyeon but I do miss Seoul. It was my home for so long, I only knew how to be an adult in a foreign country. I knew how to behave and think in Korea, but things weren’t the same in California. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to be acting. “Yeah, I think I miss it.”

Working connected me to Seoul. I was reminded of the sleepless nights and all of the crawling emotions. Song production was never an interest of mine until the latter half of my career, when the feelings I had for Taeyeon grew and grew until they exploded on paper. They were personal thoughts I had but millions of people could see into every nook and crevice of my heart and not know a thing. In a way, it was both liberating and crippling. Were my words enough to move people? What if they found out I had a muse for everything? Taeyeon was so much better at writing poems. I glanced at Jessica, fast asleep in her own bed, and at the clock as it neared midnight. My eyes burned but I wasn’t tired. I set down my pencil and picked up my phone. What am I doing? The tone was ringing before I could stop myself. “Hello? Tiffany?” . “Are you okay? It’s late.” It’s now or never.

“I couldn’t sleep, Jessica’s passed out so…I just tried your number,” I mumbled, growing more and more anxious. I wasn’t thinking straight.

“I’m on a break right now so you’re lucky,” she chuckled and I smiled. “Plus, things don’t really happen at the ER this late at night.”

“So can I come visit you at work?” Oh my God, what did I say? I blinked and bit my thumb. I couldn’t stop speaking on impulse. I just wanted to see her. It was starting to control me and I wanted to scream.

“Uh, I mean, if you really want to, I don’t mind.” I stood up.

“Really?”

“Yeah, other doctors in the ER wander or get visits during their shifts too. It’s almost midnight though so if you really want to come, be careful while driving.” All of a sudden, my keys and jacket were in my hand. My mind couldn’t keep up with instinct.

“I’ll be there in 20.”

“Sure thing, I’ll wait outside the entrance for you.”

A small figure shrouded in a white coat was leaning against the wall as I pulled into the parking lot. Holy , what the am I doing? I was visiting my ex-girlfriend, whom I still loved, in the middle of the night at her work place. This for sure breaks all social and professional boundaries. I leaned back in my seat and slapped my head. It was too late to turn back now. I was only glad Taeyeon didn’t find the proposition strange. It’s cold, how long has she been waiting? I crossed my arms and scurried to the doctor; she looked up and smiled. “Hey, you feeling alright?”

“Y-yeah, I just wanted…to talk,” I said and she led me inside the hospital. It was surprisingly warm but the way no one else walked in the halls made me uneasy. Once we entered the cafeteria, however, multiple late night doctors sat around. Their conversations were muddled together and a few eyes glanced but no one paid attention to me.

“Want a snack or anything? I get discounts,” she offered. Looking at her face to face suddenly showed me that her complexion was a little off; her shoulders were sagging.

“Shouldn’t you be getting something? You look really tired,” I insisted and she laughed a bit.

“I still have another 8 hours until I’m done for the week. Besides, I already had dinner a couple hours ago.” My eyes widened. Did all of the doctors on her shift not eat their dinner until 10 o’ clock at night?

“Is that normal?”

“For staff that work graveyard shifts like this, it’s pretty common. Some people wait until 1 or 2 to try and hold off until the end,” she patted her face and I could only think about how eating after 9 was close to forbidden as a former idol.

“What about breakfast for the next morning?”

“They don’t give us a break to eat breakfast, we go home and do that,” she rubbed her face. Her job seemed so exhausting.

“And you still like these shifts?” I raised a brow and she laughed again. Her voice is so husky when she’s tired.

“I love these shifts. It’s so convenient for my family and provides me with great benefits; I still love what I’m doing,” she said. “You know what I mean.” I blinked. “You know, you went to a completely different country to follow your dreams.” Oh.

“Yeah, I guess I do understand…” I my lips and looked at her. “Honestly, I kind of miss it.” Taeyeon smiled gently, touching my hand. I froze. We were just outside but she was so warm.

“That’s a given, you lived in Korea for almost half of your life. I love California but there are times when I miss home.” I wonder how people are doing back home, is my family okay? Michelle texts sometimes but how’s Mom? “I always go to Oregon for family events so I really want to visit the high school.” My back bristled.

“Why would you want to go back to that hole?” I deadpanned and she smiled.

“It’s where I met my friends for life, why wouldn’t I want to go back and remember all of those memories?” She seemed genuine. I was surprised. Even though I had fun, there was pain from high school. Constantly going in and out of love, never being able to decide what I wanted made me exhausted. High school was emotionally draining. I thought Taeyeon felt the same. “We were so dumb back then.” What was dumb? Weren’t we in love? Does it not matter to you now? Something buzzed and multiple doctors, including Taeyeon, looked down. A handful of them sprang up and ran.

“Dr. Kim!” the blonde quickly pushed in her chair. I gripped my jacket.

“In a minute!” she looked back at me. “I’m getting called, don’t wait up. Go home soon or call a cab if you’re tired.” She ran off without another word. I watched her back, the white coat as it disappeared into a crowd, and sighed. What the was that? Yes, I missed Korea where I was far away from Taeyeon and could imagine her to be the perfect woman.