____

{11}

“Can you babysit Stan with Amy and Seung while Minju and I go on a date?” I had to control the emotions bubbling up in my throat. I flexed my fingers and controlled my expression. They’re dating and moms to a little boy. They need alone time. They deserve to go on a date without their son. This is their normal; I’m not part of their normal lives. “If it’s with others you should be okay with delegating duties and keeping him entertained. I hope this doesn’t freak you out.” But I was freaking out about their date more than watching the baby.

“No, of course I’ll watch him! When do you need my services?” I had to hide it all with a smile. She was worth more to me than my comfort.

“Are you doing anything Friday night?”

“I mean, we can always take Stan to the club.” She punched my shoulder with a laugh and I couldn’t help but relax. Her smile was everything to me. “Anything for you, Taeyeon.” I hope you know I mean it.

“Great! Stan doesn’t like a lot of people and it gets hard when it comes to things like babysitting, so I really appreciate you making time for him.”

“Well, to be honest, I wasn’t sure if I’d like him at first. You know how I am with kids. But Stan is easy to take care of, well-behaved, and pretty cute. I think I like him more than I anticipated,” I confessed. All of a sudden, I remembered back when we were young and together and I was so scared of having kids. It tore us apart. It was definitely one of the many wedges between us. But I was so scared to lose her that I pretended to be okay, only for everything to crumble underneath us.

“I remember when we were young and you always said you didn’t want kids,” Taeyeon laughed at the memory. “I’m glad that you can care for my son now, though.”

“People really change, Taeng,” I looked at her and she chuckled, not noticing how much I yearned for her. But my love for you has never changed.

“What? You think I’ve changed?” she raised a brow, jiggling her glass of wine, and I snorted. She’s so pretty, she has to be careful. We were alone, drinking. Stan was asleep with Minju. I could’ve kissed her.

“Everyone except you.” But that’s what I loved most about her.

____

“You’re babysitting Stan while Taeyeon and her girlfriend go on a date?” I hated the way Amy stared at me. Contempt, pity. It only made me feel worse.

“Technically, I’m gonna third wheel while you and your new beau handle a practice baby for the night because Stan doesn’t like you.”

“Hey! That will change one day!” the idol punched my arm but I rolled my eyes, grateful that I could change the subject. We were busy at Seung’s apartment, cleaning up and temporarily baby-proofing his furniture. Stan apparently felt uncomfortable in new places, so we decided to bring him to his familiar uncle’s apartment instead of mine. Due to Amy taking an extended leave from the company and at my apartment, we also didn’t have enough space for multiple people. “Speaking of new relationships, though, take this.” She dropped a slip of paper into my palm.

“What’s this?”

“Jiyoung told me that she met an actress who asked about you. Romantically.” I threw the paper at a wall without a second thought. “Tiffany!”

“I’m not ready to date someone else.” I shuddered. I didn’t want to see anyone when there was only one person on my mind. “I’m offended you even suggested it.”

“You can’t be like that! You’ve gotta put yourself back out there, you’ve been single for how long now? Four years? Give or take a few months since your breakup with Taeyeon way back when?”

“But I’m still in love with her!” I fell into a leather chair, needing the cool material on my skin. I squeezed the arms. “I never dated anyone besides Taeyeon in my adult life.” was one thing. Hookups, flirting, casual dating was one thing. I never pursued relationships that weren’t with my first love.

“That’s more of a reason to start seeing someone again!” Amy knelt to the floor and held my hand. It was comforting, but only for a moment. My heart was suddenly pounding and I could feel a flood of emotions behind my eyes. “I love you so much, I know how much you love her, but we have to be realistic. Don’t you think – at this rate – Minju and Taeyeon are gonna get married?” I couldn’t see it any other way. It had been long enough for me to see that Taeyeon wasn’t troubled by my reappearance in her life. Her girlfriend didn’t seem to mind too much either. They co-parented well. Their schedules fit together. They still went on dates and held hands and kissed and loved each other openly. “Don’t you want to get married?”

“I mean…maybe?” Marriage without Taeyeon? Growing old with someone I may not even know yet? I wanted a marriage and a family with Taeyeon; I came back to America with the intention of doing everything in my power to get my ex back. But now that we weren’t going to be together, I had to think. “But I don’t think I would mind never getting married either.”

“Isn’t that life lonely?”

“I could marry Jessica. She and I could grow old together, I think,” I muttered, pulling out my phone. She could be a decent back up plan. We wouldn’t have to worry about making each other jealous or be possessive of time. We could always get a kid if we really want to?

“That’s a bit delusional.”

“It’s a good plan and you know it,” I huffed and sent a text to the wedding planner in question.

Sent at 6:42 p.m.

Tiff: let’s get married if we’re both single by 40

Sent at 6:43 p.m.

Jess: that’s disgusting don’t be crazy

Jess: but you’d pay for the wedding and get a house for god’s sake we can afford it

A tiny hand appeared as the door opened and I laughed as the small boy ran over, dressed in the cutest bear onesie. “Fany!” Stan jumped onto the chair with me, cuddling into my chest, and a part of me relaxed. How cute. I brushed his hair and smiled at him.

“Hi, Stan.”

“Wow, he’s only that affectionate with Taeng!” Seunghyun whistled, struggling with the outrageously colored backpack, overnight bag, and stuffed toys. Amy quickly swept up the lingering bags and set them on the ground.

“He’s really gotten so much cuter over the past few weeks,” I grinned and set the toddler back on the ground. “Did you eat dinner yet?”

“No,” he simply replied and I looked up at the two other adults, sneaking in a kiss. Gosh I can’t complain though, they’re just being happy.

“Is there food?”

“His mom packed us some stuff for him to eat, she said he’s been really into crunchy food lately so Minju whipped up homemade fries and chicken bites.” The tiny boy immediately ran over to the table at the mention of his dinner and Seung stuck a pillow underneath his body to help him sit at the table.

“He eats a lot better and interacts with more people, has his therapist changed?” Amy sat beside Stan, wiping his fluffy cheek, and he didn’t seem to mind.

“I heard Taeyeon’s been implementing some new speech therapy tactics and meeting with other moms of autistic kids. Maybe the socialization and new therapy has really opened him up?” I walked over and sat across from Stan, meeting his eyes, smiling when he smiled.

“Fany, nugget?” he lifted a piece of fried chicken in his flabby hand and Amy squealed as he dropped it into my palm. I burned. The sweetness made my chest bubble. Wow, I think I love him.

“That’s so cute! Oh my God!” I popped the morsel into my mouth – noting that Minju was also a good cook for kids – but still felt happy inside. Stan loved me the most. He didn’t even love Minju that much. I wouldn’t mind a kid like Stan.

“I don’t think I would mind a kid like Stan,” I muttered and the banker grinned.

“Wow never knew I would hear those words out of our mouth. You gave Taeng absolute hell for not wanting marriage or kids.”

“Did you hear? Jess and I are gonna get married when we’re 40,” I deadpanned, and he choked.

“Jessica Jung? She’s your backup plan? Like for real, for real?”

“She already laid down her terms,” I laughed. It was an impulsive decision, but I was serious. I could marry my best friend and wouldn’t worry about having a life companion or not.

“You don’t think you can find love again?” Amy pressed, sliding the forgotten paper back toward me. I sighed.

“I’ll think about it.” But I did want love. I was starved of affection. I could see the non-committal response made Amy happy and she pocketed the number herself. 

____

By the time Stan’s curfew came around, I pulled his bottle out of the cooler Taeyeon packed. How do I do this again? I started rummaging through the bowls and found a large one to fill with hot water. I placed the bottle inside and walked back to where Stan was running around with Seunghyun. “Did you find his bottle?”

“Yeah I put it in some hot water—.” A sudden crash made me scream and everyone stopped. “What was that?!”

“Crap, I should’ve told you to take it out earlier! The bottle broke,” Seung groaned, tossing the child to me. “Since it’s glass, the difference in temperatures caused it to crack.”

“Do you have another?”

“No I don’t have any bottles here. Taeng has extra though, I’ll run back to her apartment and grab one,” the businessman strode to the door but I stood.

“It’s alright I’ll go, it was technically my fault anyway,” I insisted, knowing that the couple deserved some alone time.

“You sure?”

“Yeah I’ll be fine!”

Tiptoeing back into the apartment, I glanced around. Seems like they’re not back from their date yet. I didn’t want to disturb any of the couples around me. I quickly slipped into the kitchen and opened up the drink cupboard – where Seunghyun told me Taeyeon kept her spare bottles – and found a glass but no . why doesn’t she keep the s with the bottles?! All of a sudden, I heard them. Laughter. Keys jingling. Keys turning. I fell to the ground. It would’ve been so easy to just explain, but for some reason, I was hiding. Why the am I hiding?! “It’s been a long time since we went to the night market, thank you TaeTae. Happy anniversary.” My heart starting ringing in my ears.

“Happy anniversary, my love. I’m so glad you decided to go out with me even after I gained 10 pounds eating at your truck.” My vision started getting blurry and I curled up.

“Well I wouldn’t have known about it; you looked perfect by the time you first invited me up here.” God it stung. It was so easy to pretend they weren’t what I had with Taeyeon, but why wouldn’t they be the same? They kissed, touched, had . It was normal but so painful.

“Minju, I was at such a turbulent time in my life when I met you. But I knew I had to do something; I had to see where this takes us. And I’m so happy with where we are now. I don’t know where I’d be now if you weren’t with me. I was so used to timelines and keeping a schedule when I was young that it overshadowed everything that actually made me happy. I don’t want to wait any longer.” I held my breath and imagined Taeyeon and Minju out there, with the former on one knee. “Will you marry me?”

“Oh my God, Taeyeon.” If I were her, I’d scream out of joy. Taeyeon was a wonderful woman, mother, and partner. Minju was lucky. They’d be happy together. I just didn’t know that it would happen this quickly.  “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I am.” Taeyeon was always serious when it came to love and marriage. 

“Tae…I-I can’t.”