____

{4}

“You’re beautiful.” I bit my lip and looked away from the mirror. This is stupid. Why the am I saying this to myself in front of a goddamn mirror. This is embarrassing. I let out a deep breath and stared at my phone, tossing it in my hands. This is your fault. You make me feel young and dumb again. You make me question my decisions and opinions on everything I once felt so secure about. I sighed and placed my hands over my eyes. “You’re beautiful.” It didn’t sound the same from my lips.

“I mean, what are you going to do? Steal her away? You don’t even know what you want anymore. Just being around Taeyeon seems to poison your conscience.” I sighed and placed my phone on speaker, setting it down as I moved around to do my laundry. Everyone said the same thing. I knew they were right, how could I ask for Taeyeon when I didn’t even know what I wanted, but it was also true that she poisoned my thinking. My heart kept aching for her and I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted her and that was all that came to mind.

“It was worse when we just broke up though. You remember what it was like, I could barely function for the first year.” The first year after our breakup was the worst year. The tear-stained shirts, the bouts of depression, the constant regret. I never knew what I was regretful for; it felt like everything. I should’ve never dated her in the first place. It couldn’t work, I knew it wouldn’t work, and I still tried. I’m stupid and Taeyeon’s a romantic. We’re not a good couple, we’re not a good couple…

“Well, that’s true. You were a little out of control that year, it was really freaky to be honest. Even in the dorms, you never lashed out like that.”

“Before Korea, I was a messed up . I just…that year I fell way back in,” I let out a deep breath and walked away from the washing machine. Instead, I took my phone to bed and fell down on top of it. “I miss high school.”

“Same,” Amy agreed and I pulled my phone closer.

“I haven’t been able to look at the news over there, what’s going on?” I asked, closing my eyes.

“Well, fans are coming up with theories as to why you left. Most agree that we’re getting older and we can’t do this forever, so you don’t have to be worried.” Thank God for going into my 30’s. I was ready to disappear from the public, ready to live quietly. The high life was nice, but now that my bones burned and mind smoked, I felt that it was time to slow down. “Do you really want Taeyeon?”

“She’s happy now, I don’t want to ruin that,” I insisted.

“That’s not an answer, Tiff,” she replied and I fought the tears in my eyes. I need air, I just need to breathe. “You’ve loved her for 15 years, Taeyeon said she didn’t feel anything until after a while, it’s okay if you’re having a hard time flushing her out of your system.” It’s okay if I still love her, but why can’t I let her go? I don’t want what she wants, do I?

“I would try if I could, I admit, but she’s so happy and rational. Going after me and leaving behind a sure thing would be absolute nonsense. Her girlfriend is like a Godsend. We talked last week and I was like ‘holy , why hasn’t Taeyeon put a ring on her yet she’s ing perfect’. She’s successful, gorgeous, caring, motherly, she’s everything that I couldn’t give Taeyeon!” I covered my face and groaned. that.

“Hey, you’re successful and gorgeous—.”

“But I didn’t care and I’m not a fan of kids,” I grumbled.

“You did care,” Amy sighed. I played with the fabric of my blanket and tried to force the emotions out of me. I concentrated hard on the feeling, but could only watch it grow.

Taeyeon was my only real relationship. It was hard to let go of her. She was the only one I thought of seriously, the only one who I imagined spending my life with. I was so smitten by her. She was my first love and the one who took my ity, though she didn’t remember it, the memory of that night still gave me chills. And when Michelle caught us. I smiled a little. It was a terrifying night.

____

“I’m drunk,” she muttered and kissed me.

At that moment, it was the first time my teenage self ever tasted Taeyeon. She kissed me again, sending lightning down to my toes, and the buzz of alcohol only made it better. I touched her neck. She brought her hands up my legs, her once tentative hands became bolder as they drew circles on my thighs. I could barely breathe. I made out with guys before, but nothing came close to the butterflies when my best friend kissed me. “Taeyeon…?” I didn’t understand why she was kissing and touching me so intimately, her cousin just died, and she didn’t like me, at least, not in the way I hoped for. I was still trying to get over her, why did she make it so hard? I was mortified at how I never pushed her away, instead, I pretended that her stupid drunkenness was her real intention. I pretended that maybe she was romantically attracted to me and that alcohol was the only way to show me.

“I love you, Tiffany.” She pulled my shirt away and my eyes couldn’t handle the way she stared at me.

“I love you, Taeyeon.” My heart skipped, choking me, but then she kissed my neck and her fingers slipped away and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think about anything other than the fact that Taeyeon felt so damn good. Resisting was futile.

I gasped, holding my chest and stared at the girl who passed out after ing. I thought I got drunk for Nichkhun, but after having with Taeyeon, every inkling of attraction had disappeared. I was back to square one, dreaming about my best friend, but now I had proof that she had to be at least physically attracted to me. We had .

I walked out of my room and found my sister, arms crossed and ready to blow. I forgot that she was home. She heard us. “M-Michelle…”

“What the was that? I’m okay with you drinking on occasion, smoking sometimes, and I’m fine if you decide that you’re a lesbian, but having when I’m in the house? Really?”

“Please, be quiet, she’s sleeping!” I hissed and glanced at the door, afraid it would move and I would be confronted with another problem. I turned back to my sister. “She’s like up the wall plastered, she’s not going to remember anything. Please, don’t mention this to her.” Michelle immediately frowned. “Please! I’m begging you, don’t say anything.”

“She’s your best friend, Tiff. You can’t just ignore the fact you guys ed.” I grimaced. “You two had ! How else am I supposed to say it? You had with your best friend!” I fell to my knees before thinking. “Oh my God.”

“Please, Michelle, her cousin just died, she’s stressed beyond belief, the last thing she needs is me coming onto her because I still have feelings for her,” I mumbled as my sister let out a judgmental huff. “Promise me you won’t say anything if she doesn’t remember. She’s my best friend…” I was so scared and my sister was so intimidating. I was terrified about the way I was feeling and the way my sister was staring. But I just wanted to keep it as my own problem. If Tae couldn’t remember, it was my burden to carry. She didn’t need and probably didn’t want it.

“Fine, I promise.”

____

“We can’t even blame this on deprivation, dammit.”

“Yes, thank you for reminding me of all the I’ve had since my breakup,” I grumbled into my phone.

“I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about Taeyeon that you still want. Figure out what it is and look for other people because your ex is off limits now. Respect her relationship, I swear to God, if you become that girl—!”

“I will never be that girl; I refuse to be her.” Taeyeon respected all of the relationships I had before her, even when we were both aware of her feelings. If I let my selfishness get in the way of the one normal relationship she had, I wouldn’t forgive myself. The side of my head started to burn. Why is it so hard to accept that she’s happy?

“Hey, I gotta go now. Update me if something new happens,” Amy said, breaking my trance, and I hummed.

“Thanks for talking to me, I’ll see you later,” I hummed and she ended the call. I tossed my phone to the side and stared up at the ceiling.

The days became lonely and I found myself at Taeyeon’s during the week, watching her and Stan go about their day while I wrote a little here and there. The young mother was so vibrant with her son; it didn’t help that she still wore baggy shirts and joggers like a college student. I wonder what your average day back then was like. Did Taeyeon study all day before getting into medical school? How many clubs was she in? Who did she meet during her schooling days? This woman who played with her son and so effortlessly devoted herself to him was completely different than the one I fell in love with, but at the same time, still the same person. How did I overlook so much of Taeyeon’s life? “Tiffany, can you get me Stan’s jacket inside his room?” I blinked and nodded, walking over to the room. This used to be Xiumin and Seunghyun’s room.

There was still a bed inside, but the wall was painted light blue with fluffy clouds and there were toy trains and bottles of Play-Doh scattered around the room. I picked up a puffy winter jacket from Stan’s crib and walked back out. “Going out?”

“Yeah, remember? I asked if you wanted to go out to dinner with us and you said yes.” Oh oops.

“Shi-shoot sorry, I was spacing out. Let me put on my shoes.”

“You almost swore, didn’t you?” Taeyeon grinned, helping Stan with his jacket, and I groaned a little. “It was hard kicking the habit for me too. Just hope that he doesn’t hear you or repeat after you.” Taeyeon zipped up Stan’s jacket and I laughed.

“Your child looks like a blue marshmallow!” Stan’s blank face only made me laugh harder.

“Hey, I don’t want my child to get cold.”

“You live in L.A.,” I raised a brow.

“He doesn’t know what below 60 feels like! I’m preparing him,” she said and he wordlessly took her hand when she held it out. “Come on, we can walk to the restaurant.”

I wondered why Stan was put up for adoption. What kind of life did he have in the orphanage? Was he there since birth? An average child was enough for me to deal with, I didn’t know what to do around Stan and not offend or hurt him. “Do you know for certain if he’s autistic?” I asked Taeyeon as the boy carefully scooped up his mac n’ cheese.

“He’s definitely on the spectrum but it’s too early for specifics. One of my colleagues mentioned Asperger’s because he’s functioning normally and has deep interest in certain subjects. I taught him some things about music that he picked it up really fast.” The B-flat scale. “We’ll just have to wait and see how he develops. I’m prepared for him to be low functioning but…I guess it’d be a lie to say that I wouldn’t prefer one way over the other,” she confessed, fixing his hair. She’s prepared but would rather not have to. It made sense.

“Do you know anything about his birth parents?” I wondered and she shrugged a little.

“A bit, his mom ditched him and the father and the father’s family wouldn’t let him keep the child since he was out of wedlock. I think his dad was the Chinese one,” she added and thanked the waiter as he set down our food. So they didn’t see anything wrong with him, but didn’t, or couldn’t, care for him.

“A woman can leave the baby she gave birth to?” The only mothers I knew extremely well were my own mother and Taeyeon; neither seemed capable of letting go of their children.

“Well, it did upset me, but I’m glad in a way. Their loss was my gain, strangely,” she smiled at the boy, kissing his head as he stared at his food. I looked around and didn’t recognize the restaurant we were in. “Do you like it here?”

“The food is good and the décor is nice,” I shrugged.

“This is where Minju works.” I almost choked on my water. I never knew that I would one day see her restaurant in person. All of a sudden, I started to squirm. I wanted to find problems with it: tacky décor, lacking wait staff, subpar food, but everything was amazing. Minju was only a chef, but I felt her presence in the walls. “Nice huh?”

“Yeah, definitely. I didn’t expect it to be a family restaurant.” It was as if she was watching me have dinner with her girlfriend.

“It’s warm though, Stan loves the color red so he likes looking at the seats and decorations,” Taeyeon smiled as said baby touched the red leather he sat on. She has a warm smile. I bit my lip and sighed. I see it now, Amy.